Greetings to all. I do not even know where to start this morning. My heart is so cluttered with emotions that it is difficult to sort them all out because it is almost that they bleed into each other. When I asked myself, “What are you feeling today?” Nothing comes up, but that is not the case at all. The truth is I am feeling so much that I find myself just staring off into space wondering when this will all end.
We had a little get away weekend with the family this past weekend and it was nice to not be in the house but as we drove home yesterday afternoon Ali and I got into a “discussion.” It was not a fight, because it is a “discussion” that we have had numerous times over the course of our courtship and marriage, and it usually ends the same way ever time, her sad, me aggravated, but not with each other per say.
I had not cut the grass in over a week and my yard was starting to look like a hay field, so I decided to cut the grass when we got home. Cutting the grass is also a defense mechanism of mine, just to let you in a little secret about Charlie. Being an only child, a boy, and the “man” of the house when I was a kid one of my only duties was to cut the grass. We had this big Magnolia tree in our front yard, which by the way in my opinion Magnolia trees are from the devil because their leaves are so big and thick you cannot cut them with a lawn mower because they are still everywhere in the yard after being cut. Anyway, I used to rack the yard before cutting it, that way I did not have chopped up Magnolia leaves everywhere. Then I would cut the grass, edge the driveway and sidewalks and then sweep up. If I was really feeling dysfunctional I would weed the flowerbed or just completely dig it up, because I was going to “plant a new one.” Why are you telling me your grass cutting techniques, you might be asking yourself? Well, its because when I was a kid, the yard was the only thing I could control. I could not control my parents, I could not control my mother’s drinking, I could not control the creditors calling the house, but I could control the yard. There was an added bonus, it made everything on the outside look nice, symbolic? Completely!
Even to this day when my heart, my family, or my life feels out of control I will cut my grass. When I get finished I will sit in my backyard and look down the lines that I cut and relish in the beauty of order. The order of the lines that I made back and forth as I lined up the wheels of the lawn mower just right. Yesterday I had a little curve to my cutting technique which made me feel like I had some dimension, almost like a hill, in my backyard. After relishing in the fictitious order of my life for a while I went inside where Ali was in the process of bathing the kids. She was pulling them out of the tub and so I sat on the floor and dried there little bodies off and put them in their night clothes. They scurried off down stairs for their night time snack and Ali and I chatted up stairs for a minute while she folded clothes and put them away. She began to share about how overwhelmed she was with school starting this week and being the teacher who people felt the need to tata, for all you non-Louisianans "tata" means to comfort, or people who felt the need to compare some loss in their life to what we are going through. She just wept hard in my arms as I held her. We finished up our conversation and I went downstairs to find the kids contently watching their night time movie so I walked out backdoor and sat on the back step, where I do most of my thinking. I began crying because my heart was so heavy for my wife and kids, my shoulders are tired from bearing as much as I can of their load, but in that moment I prayed that I could take more and at the same time I prayed that God could begin to alleviate some of this heartache. I know that He will, but right now it is just so difficult. In the middle of my crying and praying, Dude swings open the backdoor and puts his arms around my neck and kisses me. He looked at me and asked, Dad, why are you crying? I told him that, “I just miss Cate, buddy” a phrase that they use often. Ella was not far behind him they both came and wrapped their little arms around my neck and hugged me as I cried and then Ella got in Dude’s way so he slapped her in the face and my prayer time was over and I had to then play daddy Doctor.
It is difficult times in the Cantrell house right now, for everyone. Your words of support are encouraging and your prayer is needed. If it looks like at times we are doing so well, it is only because our grass has just been cut if you know what I mean. So, please as I know you are, remain with us. I ask specifically that you pray for Ali as she begins this new school year. I ask that you pray for Ella as she begins Pre-K this year at her new school. I ask that you pray for Dude that as he starts his new school year, without Cate or Ella that it be a good one for him. Finally I ask that you pray for me, that I have the strength and wisdom to continue to carry and guide my family through this difficult time and not just have freshly cut grass. Much Love, The Cantrells
I had to come back and tell you all that after I wrote this blog I opened my facebook account and I kid you not this bible verse was in my inbox, coincidence, I think not!
He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. ... You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.'" (2 Chronicles 20:15,17)
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
For the Glory
Greetings to all! As I sat down at noon mass today I did not immediately kneel down and pray like everyone else does. I just sat down and began praying then I distracted myself because I began thinking I know people are thinking, “uhm well look at him not praying.” You see in the movie that is going on in my head I am the lead actor and everyone talks about me all the time. And then I thought to myself, you know what St. Ignatius of Loyola like to pray laying on his back. You know there is more than one way to pray and I don’t particularly like kneeling down to pray because it is hard for me to concentrate. Well, wouldn’t you know that today is the feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola. He has always been one of my favorite Saints and I really appreciate and enjoy his style of prayer and his spiritual writing.
When I was attending Franciscan University I was in a Household, which is similar to a Fraternity, just take the keg parties and replace them with praise and worship and you get the picture. The name of the Household I was in was Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam or AMDG for short. This latin phrase translates to All for the Greater Glory of God and is the motto of the Jesuit Religious Order order founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola. What I am getting at here is that St. Ignatius has for a long time held a very special place in my heart and in my spirituality. If you have never heard the story of his conversion it is an amazing one, I will give you the Cliff’s notes version and then you can go read the rest later. Basically, he was this big military hotshot who got shot in the legs with a CANNONBALL, did you hear that? Not shot by a bullet, but a real CANNONBALL! Needless to say he was laid up for months recovering from this awful experience. The only books they had were the bible and the lives of the saints and so he read them just to do it. Well, needless to say God moved in his heart in a very powerful way and St. Ignatius became one of the most holy, brilliant, and dedicated followers of Christ.
That got me to thinking in Mass today about the words ALL for the greater glory of God. Not just some of life, but all of life. The good and the bad. The pretty and the ugly. The neatly packaged and the falling out of the box. Ali and I were talking the other night about how so many people, both that we have never met and those very close to us, that God has impacted them through Cate’s short life and our family’s difficult journey and what is also amazing is that you all are STILL here with us. I truly thought that after Cate’s passing the story would “end” for a lot of people, but it hasn’t. Many of you have sent beautiful emails sharing very intimate parts of your own journey with Ali and I. You have shared how God has moved in your hearts in some VERY powerful ways. Some of you have made life changing decisions and some of you God has really renewed your faith, your prayer life, and your family life. We miss Cate, do not get me wrong, there are not many minutes that go by in a day where my thoughts do not turn to her and her absence, but what I told Ali the other night was that a quote from St. Therese of Lisieux has been stuck in my head when my thoughts turn to Cate. St. Therese said, “I will spend my Heaven doing good upon earth” and I truly believe that this is what Cate is doing and will continue to do. God is using ALL for His greater Glory, even Cate's death and the mourning that our family is having to endure. Just as He used the aweful situation that St. Ignatius found himself in after being shot with a Cannonball for His greater Glory, so too is He using this aweful situation that our little family finds itself in for His greater glory.
There is a song that many of you have left the lyrics to as a comment on the blog by the group Mercy Me. The name of the song is “Bring the Rain” and in the chorus of the song they say, “Bring me anything that brings You glory, And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain.” Our family will continue to strive to give God ALL the Glory in ALL situations, and so Lord if that is what it takes to praise you, then Bring the Rain! We love you all and ask that you remain with us, and we thank you for continuing to standing by us through rain. May we all strive to live for the greater Glory of God. St. Ignatius…Pray for us!
Much Love, The Cantrells
If any of you out there still want prayer cards we still have some left. We have sent out a lot but we still have some left and if you want one we want you to have one! Just send me your mailing address to catecantrell@gmail.com and don’t worry I will not start sending you junk mail:)
When I was attending Franciscan University I was in a Household, which is similar to a Fraternity, just take the keg parties and replace them with praise and worship and you get the picture. The name of the Household I was in was Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam or AMDG for short. This latin phrase translates to All for the Greater Glory of God and is the motto of the Jesuit Religious Order order founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola. What I am getting at here is that St. Ignatius has for a long time held a very special place in my heart and in my spirituality. If you have never heard the story of his conversion it is an amazing one, I will give you the Cliff’s notes version and then you can go read the rest later. Basically, he was this big military hotshot who got shot in the legs with a CANNONBALL, did you hear that? Not shot by a bullet, but a real CANNONBALL! Needless to say he was laid up for months recovering from this awful experience. The only books they had were the bible and the lives of the saints and so he read them just to do it. Well, needless to say God moved in his heart in a very powerful way and St. Ignatius became one of the most holy, brilliant, and dedicated followers of Christ.
That got me to thinking in Mass today about the words ALL for the greater glory of God. Not just some of life, but all of life. The good and the bad. The pretty and the ugly. The neatly packaged and the falling out of the box. Ali and I were talking the other night about how so many people, both that we have never met and those very close to us, that God has impacted them through Cate’s short life and our family’s difficult journey and what is also amazing is that you all are STILL here with us. I truly thought that after Cate’s passing the story would “end” for a lot of people, but it hasn’t. Many of you have sent beautiful emails sharing very intimate parts of your own journey with Ali and I. You have shared how God has moved in your hearts in some VERY powerful ways. Some of you have made life changing decisions and some of you God has really renewed your faith, your prayer life, and your family life. We miss Cate, do not get me wrong, there are not many minutes that go by in a day where my thoughts do not turn to her and her absence, but what I told Ali the other night was that a quote from St. Therese of Lisieux has been stuck in my head when my thoughts turn to Cate. St. Therese said, “I will spend my Heaven doing good upon earth” and I truly believe that this is what Cate is doing and will continue to do. God is using ALL for His greater Glory, even Cate's death and the mourning that our family is having to endure. Just as He used the aweful situation that St. Ignatius found himself in after being shot with a Cannonball for His greater Glory, so too is He using this aweful situation that our little family finds itself in for His greater glory.
There is a song that many of you have left the lyrics to as a comment on the blog by the group Mercy Me. The name of the song is “Bring the Rain” and in the chorus of the song they say, “Bring me anything that brings You glory, And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain.” Our family will continue to strive to give God ALL the Glory in ALL situations, and so Lord if that is what it takes to praise you, then Bring the Rain! We love you all and ask that you remain with us, and we thank you for continuing to standing by us through rain. May we all strive to live for the greater Glory of God. St. Ignatius…Pray for us!
Much Love, The Cantrells
If any of you out there still want prayer cards we still have some left. We have sent out a lot but we still have some left and if you want one we want you to have one! Just send me your mailing address to catecantrell@gmail.com and don’t worry I will not start sending you junk mail:)
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
"Need a Minute?"
Greetings to all! This is a tough one to start because I feel like I am really putting our hearts out there, but I need to write about it because this is kind of like my therapy. I also ask that there be no “advice” left in the comments this is just my feelings today ,words of support are fine just no advice please. I would normally not ask this but that is just how very close to my heart that is this.
Ali and I had a WONDERFUL evening last night we sat on our balcony and just talked for hours. We covered an array of topics from budgets, to work, to the kids school and of course our precious Cate. I had gone back inside to check on the kids and then came back outside to meet Ali. As I sat down she had “that look” on her face. The look that every man knows, “Oh no, here it comes!” We do not usually know what “it” is but we know that it is going to be big and so we clinch our teeth real hard and wait for the question that ALWAYS follows, “Can I ask you a question?” We are trapped, there is no other response than “yes” and this is how quickly a woman can back us simple creatures, men, into a corner so there is no way out. It is like that Twix commercial where the guy is shoving both candy bars into his mouth at the same time and the announcer says, “Need a minute?” That is exactly how guys feel and you ladies do it with such easy and beauty that we are obliged to listen to the question that is about to bring up some kind of emotion inside of us. We do not know what that emotion is going to be so we nod our head in painful surrender in the yes motion and wait.
Finally after what felt like an eternity she asked, “Are we done having children?” It was like a cannonball hit me dead in the chest. The question that has loomed in my heart since all of this began. It is a question that I have asked myself numerous times over the past month, but I sure as heck was not bringing it up, not right now anyway, maybe like it TEN YEARS. I know my wife and I knew that when she was ready to talk about it she would. As the depth of that question penetrated my heart my eyes filled with tears. Ali and I have always been open to children. We had one miscarriage and three kids in five years. That means that Ali was pregnant more than she was not in the first five years we were married. Pregnancy, although unexpected at times, was always a joy for us, well I say “us,” I really did not have to do much during the whole thing, but we love each one of our gifts that our God has given us, even our little Rachel, she was our first that we miscarried. On the anniversary of her passing we go out to breakfast in memory of her and to celebrate the very short time she was with us.
After Cate’s death, things have felt real different, pregnancy feels unimaginably scary. I remember when Ali was pregnant with Ella, God began to reveal to my heart that I was going to experience a new love, one that I had never experienced before, the love of a father and boy did I! I remember seeing each of my children when they were seconds old and LOVING THEM, I mean lay down my life kind of love and I did not even really know them yet. They had not “done” anything to make me love, that fact that they existed provoked love in my heart.
Love is always a risk. It is honestly a crazy reality if you think about it. You put all of yourself out there to be hurt, rejected, and let down, but at the same time you also open yourself to the opportunity to experience real joy, peace, comfort, encouragement, and life. If we do not ever make ourselves vulnerable to love then we will never experience these wonderful realities that spring forth from the act of loving. When Cate died I felt as though a part of my fatherly love was just crush, robbed, and obliterated. If you can remember back to your first “love” and your first break up, do you remember swearing off the opposite sex? Whether it was, Boys are stupid! Who needs them? or Girls are just ridiculous, hanging out with the guys is more fun away. All because you put yourself out there in an act of love, as young as it may have been at the time, and you were hurt, you were let down. As silly as it sounds that is the way I feel RIGHT NOW. I feel hurt, I feel let down and so my reaction is to avoid what hurt me, a baby. I am honestly scared to risk loving again right now. I do not want to try to “replace” Cate and I am scared out of my mind of hurting this bad again. I know that in no way was Ali asking to get pregnant today, tomorrow, or next week, but I know there will come a time when I think she will want to get pregnant again. My stomach is tightening even as I am writing these words, but I know that in time God will heal this hurt and feelings of being let down. I know that in time He will ease the fear of loving again.
After talking to Ali last night I realized that I have to begin to invite God into this specific hurt. That I cannot and will not let there be a wall built that protects this hurt. If I do that then I do not allow God to take me into the middle of that hurt and show me that He is and has been in the middle this pain the entire time. I know that this is what I must do if I am to allow the healing to begin. I believe that there is a new love to be experienced from all of this, just as God revealed to me that I would experience a new love with the birth of Ella. I believe that this pain will birth a new love in my life and so I open my heart, broken as it may be to the Divine Healer and the one who IS Love. Please pray for this specifically for Ali and I for this healing as well as if and when it is time for God to bless our family with another child we are ready, eager, and welcoming. We love you all so very much and continue to ask that you remain with us in prayer. Much Love, The Cantrells
Ali and I had a WONDERFUL evening last night we sat on our balcony and just talked for hours. We covered an array of topics from budgets, to work, to the kids school and of course our precious Cate. I had gone back inside to check on the kids and then came back outside to meet Ali. As I sat down she had “that look” on her face. The look that every man knows, “Oh no, here it comes!” We do not usually know what “it” is but we know that it is going to be big and so we clinch our teeth real hard and wait for the question that ALWAYS follows, “Can I ask you a question?” We are trapped, there is no other response than “yes” and this is how quickly a woman can back us simple creatures, men, into a corner so there is no way out. It is like that Twix commercial where the guy is shoving both candy bars into his mouth at the same time and the announcer says, “Need a minute?” That is exactly how guys feel and you ladies do it with such easy and beauty that we are obliged to listen to the question that is about to bring up some kind of emotion inside of us. We do not know what that emotion is going to be so we nod our head in painful surrender in the yes motion and wait.
Finally after what felt like an eternity she asked, “Are we done having children?” It was like a cannonball hit me dead in the chest. The question that has loomed in my heart since all of this began. It is a question that I have asked myself numerous times over the past month, but I sure as heck was not bringing it up, not right now anyway, maybe like it TEN YEARS. I know my wife and I knew that when she was ready to talk about it she would. As the depth of that question penetrated my heart my eyes filled with tears. Ali and I have always been open to children. We had one miscarriage and three kids in five years. That means that Ali was pregnant more than she was not in the first five years we were married. Pregnancy, although unexpected at times, was always a joy for us, well I say “us,” I really did not have to do much during the whole thing, but we love each one of our gifts that our God has given us, even our little Rachel, she was our first that we miscarried. On the anniversary of her passing we go out to breakfast in memory of her and to celebrate the very short time she was with us.
After Cate’s death, things have felt real different, pregnancy feels unimaginably scary. I remember when Ali was pregnant with Ella, God began to reveal to my heart that I was going to experience a new love, one that I had never experienced before, the love of a father and boy did I! I remember seeing each of my children when they were seconds old and LOVING THEM, I mean lay down my life kind of love and I did not even really know them yet. They had not “done” anything to make me love, that fact that they existed provoked love in my heart.
Love is always a risk. It is honestly a crazy reality if you think about it. You put all of yourself out there to be hurt, rejected, and let down, but at the same time you also open yourself to the opportunity to experience real joy, peace, comfort, encouragement, and life. If we do not ever make ourselves vulnerable to love then we will never experience these wonderful realities that spring forth from the act of loving. When Cate died I felt as though a part of my fatherly love was just crush, robbed, and obliterated. If you can remember back to your first “love” and your first break up, do you remember swearing off the opposite sex? Whether it was, Boys are stupid! Who needs them? or Girls are just ridiculous, hanging out with the guys is more fun away. All because you put yourself out there in an act of love, as young as it may have been at the time, and you were hurt, you were let down. As silly as it sounds that is the way I feel RIGHT NOW. I feel hurt, I feel let down and so my reaction is to avoid what hurt me, a baby. I am honestly scared to risk loving again right now. I do not want to try to “replace” Cate and I am scared out of my mind of hurting this bad again. I know that in no way was Ali asking to get pregnant today, tomorrow, or next week, but I know there will come a time when I think she will want to get pregnant again. My stomach is tightening even as I am writing these words, but I know that in time God will heal this hurt and feelings of being let down. I know that in time He will ease the fear of loving again.
After talking to Ali last night I realized that I have to begin to invite God into this specific hurt. That I cannot and will not let there be a wall built that protects this hurt. If I do that then I do not allow God to take me into the middle of that hurt and show me that He is and has been in the middle this pain the entire time. I know that this is what I must do if I am to allow the healing to begin. I believe that there is a new love to be experienced from all of this, just as God revealed to me that I would experience a new love with the birth of Ella. I believe that this pain will birth a new love in my life and so I open my heart, broken as it may be to the Divine Healer and the one who IS Love. Please pray for this specifically for Ali and I for this healing as well as if and when it is time for God to bless our family with another child we are ready, eager, and welcoming. We love you all so very much and continue to ask that you remain with us in prayer. Much Love, The Cantrells
Sunday, July 27, 2008
The Long Ride Home
Greetings to all! We just arrived home from a weekend at my sisters’ camp in Mississippi. It was an awesome weekend with family! We just hung out, rode four wheelers, fished, and ate like kings. There has always been something about the woods that sets my heart free. I do not feel trapped by a fence and suburban living. My mind and heart are free to roam where they may. My cell phone was dead and my computer was in my briefcase in my truck, and it was wonderful. No thoughts of work, bills, or anything else that ravages my mind on a daily basis. I thought about Cate often, but they were different thoughts, they were peaceful thoughts. Our families have truly been such a great blessing during this time, they let us talk if we want to talk and they do not ask us, “how we are doing?” They know that if we want to talk about Cate or about our hearts we will.
As we began our drive home my heart began getting heavy. The memories and the pain of Cate’s absence grew stronger. When I was a kid, as I wrote about in a previous blog, my mom and I would fight like cats and dogs mainly over her drinking. It would usually end the same way every time with me slamming something and walking out getting on my bike and riding away. I would just ride for hours, sometimes I would end up at a friend or a family member’s house, or sometimes I would just ride. The whole time I was riding the world was “good,” but when I would turn my bike back towards home I would be filled with all the emotions I had before I left, anger, sadness, and helplessness. It would all come flooding back, filling my heart and soul like a levee break. I have experienced that same occurrence many times over the last year. When I would be at work everything was fine, but when I would turn my truck back towards home all the emotions over Cate, her heart defect, her upcoming surgery would rage in my heart and I usually would arrive home in not the happiest mood. My poor wife, she has to deal with me ALL the time, that girl is going straight to heaven for sure.
This morning as we were driving on the interstate heading back home I felt so sad. I missed Cate, I missed her car seat being in the middle of our other two hooligan’s seats and them talking to her and making her laugh. Oh how Dude could make her laugh, at times he would make her laugh so hard that the rest of us would start laughing too. I knew that we were coming back to a house that was full of her memories that would just fall out like an overstuffed closet when the backdoor opened. I had just had this wonderful weekend with my sisters and brother-in-laws filled with laughter, scrabble, celebrity gossip, stories, and horseshoes, which I am sore from, aint that ridiculous. It was just an amazing weekend and not an hour after leaving I was right back to where I was on Friday before we left, heartbroken and helpless.
It is hard to believe it has been a month since Cate’s passing. It feels like it has been an eternity and a blink of an eye since she filled, or should I say overflowed her baby swing. Reality has set in that is for sure and if you read Ali’s blog then you know of the pain that she is experiencing. Our kids are still hurting, even yesterday sweet little Ella woke from her nap in a rather melancholy mood and of course I do not handle whining well so I was quick to fuss at her about trivial things that she could not do because she can be hard headed like her daddy. She went in the camp and sat in a chair and just cried. I went in to see about her and FINALLY asked what was wrong, to which she looked at me with tear-filled eyes and said, “Daddy, I miss Cate, I didn’t want her to leave us.” My heart was immediately filled with pain as I watch my little girl grieving over the death of her sister. I pulled her close to me and told her that I missed Cate too and I didn’t want her to leave us either. They all are hurting and as I watch and pray ferverently for them and try my best to lighten the cross that they are all carrying I know that this is just part of the process and it is just the road that we must walk right now, but it is a painful one. We are and will be a stronger family because of Cate. We are still and will continue to cling to the Cross of Jesus Christ right now. Someone included a quote of Mother Theresa of Calcutta in a card they sent us and I wanted to share it with you all as right now I find a real comfort in knowing that Christ is very close to us during this painful time. Mother Theresa said, “Pain, sorrow, suffering is but the kiss of Jesus. A sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you. May God give you all the courage to accept your cross with resignation and love in union with the passion of Jesus. God Bless you.” We will accept and embrace this cross knowing that our God loved us enough to lower Himself to become Man and to endure the Cross to pay a debt that humanity could not. We will let Christ kiss us and be close to us right now because we need him more than we need our next breath. Please remain with us in prayer, and know that we love to hear stories of how Cate has impacted your life or how you have used her for an intercessor in Heaven, it truly helps us bear this cross knowing that there is a bigger picture that God is still creating through the loss of Cate. We still have some prayer cards if you would like one please just send us your mailing address to catecantrell@gmail.com. We love you all and pray for you often. Much love, The Cantrells
I also am sad to say that I will be attending the wake tonight for sweet Baby Cooper, he passed away last Wednesday night. I asked Cate to meet him at the gates of heaven and show him around. He and Cate are now causing a ruckus together in Heaven. I am saddened for his parents and his family who now have to walk this road that we are on. I wish this pain on no one. Please pray for his parents and family as the mourn the loss of their precious Cooper.
As we began our drive home my heart began getting heavy. The memories and the pain of Cate’s absence grew stronger. When I was a kid, as I wrote about in a previous blog, my mom and I would fight like cats and dogs mainly over her drinking. It would usually end the same way every time with me slamming something and walking out getting on my bike and riding away. I would just ride for hours, sometimes I would end up at a friend or a family member’s house, or sometimes I would just ride. The whole time I was riding the world was “good,” but when I would turn my bike back towards home I would be filled with all the emotions I had before I left, anger, sadness, and helplessness. It would all come flooding back, filling my heart and soul like a levee break. I have experienced that same occurrence many times over the last year. When I would be at work everything was fine, but when I would turn my truck back towards home all the emotions over Cate, her heart defect, her upcoming surgery would rage in my heart and I usually would arrive home in not the happiest mood. My poor wife, she has to deal with me ALL the time, that girl is going straight to heaven for sure.
This morning as we were driving on the interstate heading back home I felt so sad. I missed Cate, I missed her car seat being in the middle of our other two hooligan’s seats and them talking to her and making her laugh. Oh how Dude could make her laugh, at times he would make her laugh so hard that the rest of us would start laughing too. I knew that we were coming back to a house that was full of her memories that would just fall out like an overstuffed closet when the backdoor opened. I had just had this wonderful weekend with my sisters and brother-in-laws filled with laughter, scrabble, celebrity gossip, stories, and horseshoes, which I am sore from, aint that ridiculous. It was just an amazing weekend and not an hour after leaving I was right back to where I was on Friday before we left, heartbroken and helpless.
It is hard to believe it has been a month since Cate’s passing. It feels like it has been an eternity and a blink of an eye since she filled, or should I say overflowed her baby swing. Reality has set in that is for sure and if you read Ali’s blog then you know of the pain that she is experiencing. Our kids are still hurting, even yesterday sweet little Ella woke from her nap in a rather melancholy mood and of course I do not handle whining well so I was quick to fuss at her about trivial things that she could not do because she can be hard headed like her daddy. She went in the camp and sat in a chair and just cried. I went in to see about her and FINALLY asked what was wrong, to which she looked at me with tear-filled eyes and said, “Daddy, I miss Cate, I didn’t want her to leave us.” My heart was immediately filled with pain as I watch my little girl grieving over the death of her sister. I pulled her close to me and told her that I missed Cate too and I didn’t want her to leave us either. They all are hurting and as I watch and pray ferverently for them and try my best to lighten the cross that they are all carrying I know that this is just part of the process and it is just the road that we must walk right now, but it is a painful one. We are and will be a stronger family because of Cate. We are still and will continue to cling to the Cross of Jesus Christ right now. Someone included a quote of Mother Theresa of Calcutta in a card they sent us and I wanted to share it with you all as right now I find a real comfort in knowing that Christ is very close to us during this painful time. Mother Theresa said, “Pain, sorrow, suffering is but the kiss of Jesus. A sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you. May God give you all the courage to accept your cross with resignation and love in union with the passion of Jesus. God Bless you.” We will accept and embrace this cross knowing that our God loved us enough to lower Himself to become Man and to endure the Cross to pay a debt that humanity could not. We will let Christ kiss us and be close to us right now because we need him more than we need our next breath. Please remain with us in prayer, and know that we love to hear stories of how Cate has impacted your life or how you have used her for an intercessor in Heaven, it truly helps us bear this cross knowing that there is a bigger picture that God is still creating through the loss of Cate. We still have some prayer cards if you would like one please just send us your mailing address to catecantrell@gmail.com. We love you all and pray for you often. Much love, The Cantrells
I also am sad to say that I will be attending the wake tonight for sweet Baby Cooper, he passed away last Wednesday night. I asked Cate to meet him at the gates of heaven and show him around. He and Cate are now causing a ruckus together in Heaven. I am saddened for his parents and his family who now have to walk this road that we are on. I wish this pain on no one. Please pray for his parents and family as the mourn the loss of their precious Cooper.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Life in the Here and Now...A Mother's Heart
Matter of the heart come easily…however, putting them out there for the world to read is quite a stretch for me. Thanks for listening.
A dear friend, who has recently lost a daughter, shared with me that the grief process is not one of those things that you can check off your list and say…yahoo, I am finished with the anger stage, what is next…she told me that she learned that we won’t get a gold star at the end, and that we will continue to jump back and forth from stage to stage because… well, you never really finish. This grief will continue to be a lifelong process, but she did promise it gets better.
We have heard it before, that “time” will heal you. And to “them...whoever they are” I say that on Thursday it will be a month since Cate died, and “time” is sure taking a long time to show up. Days seem to go on forever, and the tough moments take an eternity to pass. I sit and sob through this soul-shattering experience and wonder what the lessons to be learned will be. And, I am trying to be open to learning them. Charlie asked me the other day if I was praying; he wanted to make sure that I am inviting God into my heart, and to be open to His healing powers and graces. I told him that I really wasn’t praying, and that I was really pissed off at God. I had never been so faithful, I had never been so devoted to prayer, nor had I ever been willing to sacrifice so much for His greater glory…only to feel completely let down. I was quick to tell Charlie that it is so painful to pray, and that I fear that praying right now might actually require even more out of me…and that God would ask even more of us. “I can’t do it,” I told him. With all of the intense anger and grave sadness, it takes all of my physical and emotional energy that I have to just get out of bed in the morning. I told him that often my day of suffering is offered up, and that is really all the praying that I can muster.
It is difficult and trying each day to answer the same questions from Ella & Dude, about “why can’t we see Cate?” and “why do Jesus and Mary get to take care of her?” and “where is heaven…is heaven in the clouds” … AAAHHH! I can hardly understand any of this myself, imagine trying to explain it our children. It gets tough somedays to be available to two kiddos who are struggling to “figure out” their way through this grief. Ella, in her sorrow, cries often and wants to spend countless hours at the cemetery coloring with chalk on Cate’s grave, blowing bubbles for her, and bringing her flowers. She and I spent the morning there on Saturday, we walked and looked at flowers, and every so often we would happen upon a child’s grave, and she was so delighted that Cate would have a friend. Precious to come from a four year old, and devastating that she should need to know of death and grief so young. For Dude it is a bit different, he can be both raging and soft-hearted…He will throw play dough and kill lizards in the yard one minute, and the next he wants to be hugged and held. A friend of ours brought her infant son over to our house a week ago, and Dude just wanted to take care of him, and rub his head, and talk to him like he was so accustomed to doing with Cate. My heart broke, and I cried for days after. Our kids are definitely our greatest joys and our greatest distraction right now, but I feel it is such an unfair journey that they are forced to walk. I believe that no child should be robbed of their security, as ours have unfortunately been. And unless you have walked this road as a young sibling, you can’t begin to imagine how much innocence is lost.
What is also so unnerving about this process is that it isn’t “pretty, and it can’t be hidden.” I have worked a long time to try to shelter my heart from the “ugly & messiness” that life can show. I would chose to focus my energies on the positive and the “neatly packaged” lessons that life was teaching me. With friendships I would often skim the surface of issues, and seldom let others deep into my heart. My tried & true way of “guarding” my heart is, however, starting to unravel. I originally thought that getting back to routine and staying focused on the “positives” in life would keep me moving forward. But grief had a way of showing up and slowing me down to an almost standstill, and let me tell you it isn’t “pretty.” It has shaken me down to my core and even to do the everyday “usual” stuff is so unbearably painful. Changing the toilet paper roll means opening the cabinet where Cate’s diapers are, putting away dishes means seeing her empty bottles. Simply going into our bedroom, means walking through her nursery. I still sit in her nursery’s rocker and rock most days, and sing to no one but myself. I glance into her bed each morning trying so hard to remember what it looked like to see her there. There are days that I take out her clothes and refold them, not to torture myself, but to hang on to the scent of her and the memory of the days she wore them. At moments I cling to every picture I can find, and other moments I have to turn them upside down and can’t even begin to process it. I am so deeply saddened, and so visibly hurt by her loss. I find myself with little energy to answer the phone, check emails, pay bills, or fold clothes. I can’t bring myself to be with (or even talk to) friends who have babies, or who complain about trivial stuff, and I am tired of having to answer… “How are y’all…or better yet…are you having a good day?” So, I avoid the grocery store, the post office, the bank, etc… at all cost, but when duty calls, and I must go I usually wear my trusty UL baseball cap, keep my head down, and avoid eye contact at all cost. Grief is a very lonely place to be, but the energy that it takes to make small talk or to share is incredibly draining.
This grief journey is so different and so individual. Although Charlie and I both witnessed the same child suffer, and we both watched the same doctors perform the same tasks, and we both left the hospital together, we are mourning Cate so differently. I mentioned to Charlie that being back home and having to get back to the business of life is much harder than watching Cate struggle in the hospital. It was easy to feel God’s graces during her hospital stay and the funeral services. I felt that God showed up BIG for us (during her burial) and allowed us to truly celebrate Cate’s life. And even though I know of His presence now it does feel so far away and so less tangible. It is a whirlwind of emotions and we are ALL experiencing them, at different times and in different ways.
Along with this time of never knowing more misery, I, have also never know more love. In the midst of this terribly trying time I still cling to Charlie, and we cherish our kids more every day. I have finally learned to lean into the wisdom of my parents. I have shared with my mom that I have never needed her as much nor appreciated her as much as I do now. She has become one of my best of friends. I pray that my sisters, my children, or anyone else will never need to know this wisdom of hers and now mine. It is not my parents’ experiences or pains, but rather their hope and joys that continue to renew in me a peace that … time and God will heal us.
And still through all of this pain…like it or not… there is still a real life to be lived. I don’t want to look back in ten years and think that I just existed through this time. Most days it is a decision to live well and search for the beauty that life still offers. Other days it comes a little easier and I can buy milk and cheerios without a baseball cap. But to each day that has passed so far and to all that are to come… I am committed to welcoming the daily joys and will continue to attempt to graciously invite in the grief. I don’t desire to run from this time & I sure can’t make it pretty or tie it with a bow, but I choose to not to just exist. So, here’s to living life, living it well, and inviting God in!
To my friends, I ask you to be patient with me. Unlike Charlie, I often don’t hold my heart up for others to see. I shelter it carefully and I have protected it for a LONG time. It has been bumped and bruised before, but never shattered. I am still searching on the ground for any remaining pieces, please be patient. I will come up soon, and need your help mending & reassembling. I can’t thank you all enough for your supportive love, your respect, and your continued prayers. I love you dearly, Ali
A dear friend, who has recently lost a daughter, shared with me that the grief process is not one of those things that you can check off your list and say…yahoo, I am finished with the anger stage, what is next…she told me that she learned that we won’t get a gold star at the end, and that we will continue to jump back and forth from stage to stage because… well, you never really finish. This grief will continue to be a lifelong process, but she did promise it gets better.
We have heard it before, that “time” will heal you. And to “them...whoever they are” I say that on Thursday it will be a month since Cate died, and “time” is sure taking a long time to show up. Days seem to go on forever, and the tough moments take an eternity to pass. I sit and sob through this soul-shattering experience and wonder what the lessons to be learned will be. And, I am trying to be open to learning them. Charlie asked me the other day if I was praying; he wanted to make sure that I am inviting God into my heart, and to be open to His healing powers and graces. I told him that I really wasn’t praying, and that I was really pissed off at God. I had never been so faithful, I had never been so devoted to prayer, nor had I ever been willing to sacrifice so much for His greater glory…only to feel completely let down. I was quick to tell Charlie that it is so painful to pray, and that I fear that praying right now might actually require even more out of me…and that God would ask even more of us. “I can’t do it,” I told him. With all of the intense anger and grave sadness, it takes all of my physical and emotional energy that I have to just get out of bed in the morning. I told him that often my day of suffering is offered up, and that is really all the praying that I can muster.
It is difficult and trying each day to answer the same questions from Ella & Dude, about “why can’t we see Cate?” and “why do Jesus and Mary get to take care of her?” and “where is heaven…is heaven in the clouds” … AAAHHH! I can hardly understand any of this myself, imagine trying to explain it our children. It gets tough somedays to be available to two kiddos who are struggling to “figure out” their way through this grief. Ella, in her sorrow, cries often and wants to spend countless hours at the cemetery coloring with chalk on Cate’s grave, blowing bubbles for her, and bringing her flowers. She and I spent the morning there on Saturday, we walked and looked at flowers, and every so often we would happen upon a child’s grave, and she was so delighted that Cate would have a friend. Precious to come from a four year old, and devastating that she should need to know of death and grief so young. For Dude it is a bit different, he can be both raging and soft-hearted…He will throw play dough and kill lizards in the yard one minute, and the next he wants to be hugged and held. A friend of ours brought her infant son over to our house a week ago, and Dude just wanted to take care of him, and rub his head, and talk to him like he was so accustomed to doing with Cate. My heart broke, and I cried for days after. Our kids are definitely our greatest joys and our greatest distraction right now, but I feel it is such an unfair journey that they are forced to walk. I believe that no child should be robbed of their security, as ours have unfortunately been. And unless you have walked this road as a young sibling, you can’t begin to imagine how much innocence is lost.
What is also so unnerving about this process is that it isn’t “pretty, and it can’t be hidden.” I have worked a long time to try to shelter my heart from the “ugly & messiness” that life can show. I would chose to focus my energies on the positive and the “neatly packaged” lessons that life was teaching me. With friendships I would often skim the surface of issues, and seldom let others deep into my heart. My tried & true way of “guarding” my heart is, however, starting to unravel. I originally thought that getting back to routine and staying focused on the “positives” in life would keep me moving forward. But grief had a way of showing up and slowing me down to an almost standstill, and let me tell you it isn’t “pretty.” It has shaken me down to my core and even to do the everyday “usual” stuff is so unbearably painful. Changing the toilet paper roll means opening the cabinet where Cate’s diapers are, putting away dishes means seeing her empty bottles. Simply going into our bedroom, means walking through her nursery. I still sit in her nursery’s rocker and rock most days, and sing to no one but myself. I glance into her bed each morning trying so hard to remember what it looked like to see her there. There are days that I take out her clothes and refold them, not to torture myself, but to hang on to the scent of her and the memory of the days she wore them. At moments I cling to every picture I can find, and other moments I have to turn them upside down and can’t even begin to process it. I am so deeply saddened, and so visibly hurt by her loss. I find myself with little energy to answer the phone, check emails, pay bills, or fold clothes. I can’t bring myself to be with (or even talk to) friends who have babies, or who complain about trivial stuff, and I am tired of having to answer… “How are y’all…or better yet…are you having a good day?” So, I avoid the grocery store, the post office, the bank, etc… at all cost, but when duty calls, and I must go I usually wear my trusty UL baseball cap, keep my head down, and avoid eye contact at all cost. Grief is a very lonely place to be, but the energy that it takes to make small talk or to share is incredibly draining.
This grief journey is so different and so individual. Although Charlie and I both witnessed the same child suffer, and we both watched the same doctors perform the same tasks, and we both left the hospital together, we are mourning Cate so differently. I mentioned to Charlie that being back home and having to get back to the business of life is much harder than watching Cate struggle in the hospital. It was easy to feel God’s graces during her hospital stay and the funeral services. I felt that God showed up BIG for us (during her burial) and allowed us to truly celebrate Cate’s life. And even though I know of His presence now it does feel so far away and so less tangible. It is a whirlwind of emotions and we are ALL experiencing them, at different times and in different ways.
Along with this time of never knowing more misery, I, have also never know more love. In the midst of this terribly trying time I still cling to Charlie, and we cherish our kids more every day. I have finally learned to lean into the wisdom of my parents. I have shared with my mom that I have never needed her as much nor appreciated her as much as I do now. She has become one of my best of friends. I pray that my sisters, my children, or anyone else will never need to know this wisdom of hers and now mine. It is not my parents’ experiences or pains, but rather their hope and joys that continue to renew in me a peace that … time and God will heal us.
And still through all of this pain…like it or not… there is still a real life to be lived. I don’t want to look back in ten years and think that I just existed through this time. Most days it is a decision to live well and search for the beauty that life still offers. Other days it comes a little easier and I can buy milk and cheerios without a baseball cap. But to each day that has passed so far and to all that are to come… I am committed to welcoming the daily joys and will continue to attempt to graciously invite in the grief. I don’t desire to run from this time & I sure can’t make it pretty or tie it with a bow, but I choose to not to just exist. So, here’s to living life, living it well, and inviting God in!
To my friends, I ask you to be patient with me. Unlike Charlie, I often don’t hold my heart up for others to see. I shelter it carefully and I have protected it for a LONG time. It has been bumped and bruised before, but never shattered. I am still searching on the ground for any remaining pieces, please be patient. I will come up soon, and need your help mending & reassembling. I can’t thank you all enough for your supportive love, your respect, and your continued prayers. I love you dearly, Ali
Stay TUNED!!!!
Greetings to all! I just wanted to let yall know that Ali is almost finished writing her Blog!!!! The heart of Mommy will be coming to your screen soon! Give your refresh buttons a break, it won't be until this afternoon before we post her blog. Ali is working in her classroom this morning. On top of everything else we have going on she is starting teaching at a new school which means taking ALL of her teaching stuff that she has had stored at home and setting up a new classroom. Yall keep her in your prayers right now. We love you all PLEASE keep praying for us we need it!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
My Wordless Spirit
Romans 8: 26-27
Brothers and sisters: The Spirit comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because he intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will.
Greetings to all! As I was reading over the Mass reading in preparation for Mass this afternoon these words that Paul wrote to the Romans really ministered to my heart and gave me consolation in my own lack of words I so often feel. Yes, at times I actually am at a loss for words as crazy as that sounds. As I watch my wife grieve I realize that there is nothing that I can “say” to make it any better and the times I do open my mouth I do the typical husband thing and say something stupid that makes her angry or sad.
As you can imagine the past year of our life has been very difficult. We have found ourselves in places that we never would have thought we would be in our short marriage. The whole pregnancy was VERY difficult on both of us and there was a quiet disconnect that had taken place. Yes, we lived under the same roof, we parented the same kids, but as a husband and wife we lacked “connection” with each other’s heart. After Cate was born and she did so well in the first few months Ali and I truly began to reunite our hearts and it was wonderful. We enjoyed each other’s companionship, conversation, friendship, and really just connecting on the deeper level of being a husband and wife.
Well, here we are again. Another very difficult spot and it is not always a fun ride right now. I am watching the woman that I love the most in this world, hurt, and I mean hurt bad. As, THE MAN, of the house, I want to fix it. I want to take out my tools of the trade that I have done for years and help her “work” through this, but I am STINKING IT UP at times. There are a lot of times that we are just not ready to be around other people yet. So, who do we have but each other? Two people who have said just about everything they have to say to each other right now about where they are at and how they feel. Therefore we just sit in silence a lot of the time. It’s a difficult silence, at moments it can be a deafening silence. It does not make me angry, it just makes me hurt more. I feel like I could not “fix” Cate, I cannot “fix” my wife or my kids and at times I just feel useless and helpless. I know that they only thing that I can do right now
is once again find myself at the throne room door, just knocking on their behalf, because I
do not know what else to do.
On Thursday when I wrote the blog, “Taking Off the Old Yolk” was a particularly tough day. I had called Ali and could tell by her voice that she was just hurting and I sat there on the phone in silence, not knowing what to say. This was mainly because the night before we were on our way home and I tried to offer her my words of “wisdom” and as Dude says, “It’s not working so well.” Thursday morning I had decided to go to noon Mass and I knew that Ali was at her moms just hanging out. I called over there to ask her what I could pray for her for, but she was indisposed at the moment and I was walking into Church so I would not be able to talk to her before Mass began. As I knelt in Church just “groaning” to the father, not know what to say the words, “lighten her yolk” came to my heart and I just prayed for that over and over before Mass began. I had not had a chance to look over the readings before Mass and what was the Mass reading but the exact words, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
The Spirit was taking the wordlessness of my heart and turning it into the exact prayers that He knew needed to be brought to the Father. Even in the Homily the priest said, “God is For Us!” which is what I read in a book and wrote on a piece of paper and nailed to the backdoor of our house so that we would see it every time we walked out the door. As I read this reading this morning I was reminded that the, “Promise of the Father,” the Holy Spirit is in fact with us. It may not make it any “easier” but it makes me want to continue on. I know that we are not alone on this journey that all of you are with us and praying for us, but it is nice to be reminded that God is on our side too. My prayer is that we all might know and be reminded “that the one who searches hearts” knows our hearts even if we do not know what to say or how to pray at any given moment. We love you all, remain with us and pray that we might be reminded often, that God is with us.
Much Love, The Cantrells
Brothers and sisters: The Spirit comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because he intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will.
Greetings to all! As I was reading over the Mass reading in preparation for Mass this afternoon these words that Paul wrote to the Romans really ministered to my heart and gave me consolation in my own lack of words I so often feel. Yes, at times I actually am at a loss for words as crazy as that sounds. As I watch my wife grieve I realize that there is nothing that I can “say” to make it any better and the times I do open my mouth I do the typical husband thing and say something stupid that makes her angry or sad.
As you can imagine the past year of our life has been very difficult. We have found ourselves in places that we never would have thought we would be in our short marriage. The whole pregnancy was VERY difficult on both of us and there was a quiet disconnect that had taken place. Yes, we lived under the same roof, we parented the same kids, but as a husband and wife we lacked “connection” with each other’s heart. After Cate was born and she did so well in the first few months Ali and I truly began to reunite our hearts and it was wonderful. We enjoyed each other’s companionship, conversation, friendship, and really just connecting on the deeper level of being a husband and wife.
Well, here we are again. Another very difficult spot and it is not always a fun ride right now. I am watching the woman that I love the most in this world, hurt, and I mean hurt bad. As, THE MAN, of the house, I want to fix it. I want to take out my tools of the trade that I have done for years and help her “work” through this, but I am STINKING IT UP at times. There are a lot of times that we are just not ready to be around other people yet. So, who do we have but each other? Two people who have said just about everything they have to say to each other right now about where they are at and how they feel. Therefore we just sit in silence a lot of the time. It’s a difficult silence, at moments it can be a deafening silence. It does not make me angry, it just makes me hurt more. I feel like I could not “fix” Cate, I cannot “fix” my wife or my kids and at times I just feel useless and helpless. I know that they only thing that I can do right now
is once again find myself at the throne room door, just knocking on their behalf, because I
do not know what else to do.
On Thursday when I wrote the blog, “Taking Off the Old Yolk” was a particularly tough day. I had called Ali and could tell by her voice that she was just hurting and I sat there on the phone in silence, not knowing what to say. This was mainly because the night before we were on our way home and I tried to offer her my words of “wisdom” and as Dude says, “It’s not working so well.” Thursday morning I had decided to go to noon Mass and I knew that Ali was at her moms just hanging out. I called over there to ask her what I could pray for her for, but she was indisposed at the moment and I was walking into Church so I would not be able to talk to her before Mass began. As I knelt in Church just “groaning” to the father, not know what to say the words, “lighten her yolk” came to my heart and I just prayed for that over and over before Mass began. I had not had a chance to look over the readings before Mass and what was the Mass reading but the exact words, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
The Spirit was taking the wordlessness of my heart and turning it into the exact prayers that He knew needed to be brought to the Father. Even in the Homily the priest said, “God is For Us!” which is what I read in a book and wrote on a piece of paper and nailed to the backdoor of our house so that we would see it every time we walked out the door. As I read this reading this morning I was reminded that the, “Promise of the Father,” the Holy Spirit is in fact with us. It may not make it any “easier” but it makes me want to continue on. I know that we are not alone on this journey that all of you are with us and praying for us, but it is nice to be reminded that God is on our side too. My prayer is that we all might know and be reminded “that the one who searches hearts” knows our hearts even if we do not know what to say or how to pray at any given moment. We love you all, remain with us and pray that we might be reminded often, that God is with us.
Much Love, The Cantrells
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