Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Untitled Memories

I am not sure what led me to Cate's page today, there is a part of me that if I am honest, it is still to painful to re-live those moments in my life, but I know they are out there and I am drawn to them like a moth to flame. I know she is in a "better place," but am I? Ali was making plans this week for us to celebrate Cate's birthday next month, it is hard to believe she is going eight years old. There is such a part of me that wishes I could see her, hold her hand, hear her sing country music in my truck, just like her big sister Ella does so often. Ali and I often laugh, not always joyfully, about how "busy" we are, although truthfully no quotation marks are needed or how tired we are at this stage in our family's life, running kids from school, dancing, football or baseball games, but I'd give anything to be a little more "busy" and have to make one more trip to the dance studio to pick up another leotard wearing cutie pie. I was having lunch with a dear friend of mine the other day and as we sat in a busy lunch spot in Lafayette we talked about life, love and family. I shared with him that sometimes I still wonder if it was all real, did it really happen that our sweet Cate was gifted to us, even as briefly as it was. I also told him that it's a wound that I have not allowed to fully heal because the pain/lonesomness is sometimes the only thing I can still "feel." It was the first time I had admitted that out loud to anyone besides Ali. My friend gently reminded me of words I had shared with him after a tragedy in his own life, "Be gentle with yourself." I know its not "right" or "healthy" but it is what I have experienced and I don't know if you ever "fully" heal, until the day you are reunited with your child in the loving embrace of our Heavenly Father. I looked today at the statics of who has viewed this blog, what countries they are from and what posts were read most often and I have to think that this is one of Cate's beautiful legacies. That mothers and fathers from around the world can read her journey and hopefully know that if they find themselves in a similar situation/storm, that they are not alone. Have we done it perfectly? NO, it has been a winding, zig zagging, backtracking and sometimes crawling on our hands and knees journey of hope. I look especially at my two big kids, now almost 11 and 12 years old, and what wonderful, loving, compassionate and strong kids they are and I have to believe that is another of Cate's legacies. She taught us to pull together as a family and to defend each other's hearts with a fury second to none. I also look at my bride and wonder how a woman of her...her...I can't find a word that encapsulates "her," she is a special occurrence in God's Creation and poor thing chose to pick me, but that is another time and place. Her mother's heart is a beautiful realm, one of fierce love, untamed compassion and an ability to be most honest with herself, with myself, our kids and her close friends. I have more respect and admiration for her, than she will ever know and she is the person I am most thankful for in my life on earth, because her presence in my life challenges me to be a better person. I am not sure why I felt the need to write this blog or what the purpose of it is, I just wanted to do it. It connected me with Cate and a part of the journey that was really special and powerful. I love you sweet Cate and await the day I see you again. Much Love, Charlie