Baby Cate's Family

Sunken Footsteps

2010-11-16T10:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it feels surreal, sometimes I sit in our backyard and look at the spot where the baby pool sat and the laughter could be heard so sweetly and it all seems like a dream that just continues to replay in my mind's eye. I often ask Ali, "do you have days where you ask yourself, was that all real?, Did that really happen to Cate...and to us?" Sometimes it seems so far away and then some days, the pain is so fresh and tangible it’s like the days and months after our sweet Cate left her earthly body and began a life that we thirst for.

Cate's birthday was on November 7, she is 3 years old...it's weird to think about sometimes. It's weird to think about what our life would be like if she were still alive, what would she be like, what would she sound like, what color would she have and then other questions arise in my heart, what would I be like? What would Ali be like, What would Ella and Dude be like? Sometimes death can leave you with more questions than answers, we, as believers, have heard all the clichés and they don't seem to sit right with you...when they are directed at you. As a husband I always knew that mother's had a connection with their babies, that term is regardless of age believe me, I was my mother's baby until the day she drew her last breath, but it was not until we began this journey through our grief that I began to see the depth of a mother's love, commitment and unity with that miracle that she carries every so gently in her womb.

I have often thought about Mary at the foot of the cross but to be honest never really pondered the depth of her sorrow and agony that she must have experienced that dreadfully beautiful day. As I watch my precious bride journey down this path it is one of the most difficult things that I have ever experienced. After 2 years, I know there is nothing I can say, there is nothing I can "do" and that I simply have to trust that if she feels like talking she will and if she doesn't...she won't...so STOP ASKING CHARLIE! I often see our sweet Mother Mary shine through her as she continues on in her daily routine as her eyelids can barely contain the flood that wants to just rage out of her broken heart. She quietly puts her face to wind and continues on this journey showing our family what it means continue to serve even when it hurts, when you don't want to, when it almost seems like you can't even lift your hands up.

One of the things about Ali that has always intrigued me and really drew me to her was her simplistically beautiful spirituality, it wasn't heady, overly pious, overly traditional or overly complex, it was simply...beautiful. I can remember her talking about praying when we were dating, she said, "You know Charlie, I don't pray like you do, whenever I am walking (exercising), I picture Mary walking along side of me with her hair in a ponytail. She said, I pray my rosary and I just talk to her, like a friend." I remember that day, thinking WOW, I wish I could stop all my overthinking and start simply participating. Through Cate's death, well let's be honest, I still haven't stopped, it’s not in my nature. I overthink EVERYTHING, which is probably why my stomach is a wreck, but my stomach problems are another blog. I have thought about who did this, who didn't do that, who said this, who said nothing, why God did this, why God didn't do that, should I have made this decision or that one and on and on and on. All these thoughts can completely preoccupy my time, attention, and even my energy.

On the other hand, I watch Ali, who may at times have the same thoughts and questions, but she handles them so differently, she is a mother. She will love on our kids, do their homework with them, get them bathed and ready for bed without saying a word, then I’ll ask her how her day was and you’ll see the pain flash like lighting in her eyes and she’ll say, “I was real lonesome today.” I’ll wrap my big goofy arms around her and just hold her, sometimes, it’s the only thing there is to do. If that would have been me, I would have come home sat on the couch, felt sorry for myself, probably yelled at Dude and then felt bad and gone to bed, but not my sweet precious wife. She encompasses what it means to be a woman of God, I believe she treads in the sunken footsteps of our Mother Mary. She would never say anything of these things about herself, so I’ll say them for her because I am so proud and lucky that she is my wife and so grateful that she is the mother of my children.

So this is a thank you to you Ali, you are amazing and I love you more than words, to my mother, and all the mothers out there who choose to follow the selfless path of the Sweet Virgin Mary, may she take you by the hand and guide you down whatever paths you may find yourselves on in life!

Healing House

2010-03-01T13:48:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, we lost our sweet 7 month old daughter Cate a little over a year and a half ago from complications after open heart surgery. The days, months, and past year have been a world wind of emotions and experiences for Ali and I, but also for Cate's big sister Ella and her big brother "Dude.” It has been a difficult journey for those two little troopers to wrap their little hearts and heads around loss, grief and death. About two weeks ago I was lying in bed with Ella saying prayers and she began to cry. I proceeded to ask her what was wrong, she then told me, "Dad, I want a sister on earth. I miss Cate, I want her here with us." What do you say to that question as a Father? As my heart broke for her, I held her and cried with her because I do not know that pain. I do not know what it is like to lose a sibling at such a young and formidable age, but she does, but luckily she does not have to alone.

Ella and Dude attend the "Healing House, whose vision is, "that no child should grieve alone." Every other week Ella and Dude attend a group session with a volunteer facilitator and other children, who have lost siblings as well. They have group time where they can share their thoughts and feelings about their grief or whatever they want. This is truly "their time" without having to worry about how their feelings will effect mom and dad, because believe it or not, a 6 year old does worry about that. After group time they have "free play" time. They have a room full of dress up clothes, puppets, arts and craft supplies, and musical instruments because children often express their grief through play. They also provide what is called the "Hurricane Room" which is full of large bean bags and big pillows, where the children are safe to go in, throw stuff around and get angry if they want to, which allows them to release their anger in a safe and productive way and of course Dude loves this room. One does not think that a 4 year old can experience the anger that adults feel about the unexpected loss of a love one, but they do. They are little versions of adults with all the same thoughts, feelings, and emotions just simply on a child’s level. Dude is viciously protective of his sisters and gets very angry when someone upsets them and I have seen him over the past year get very angry over Cate's death, so the Hurricane Room provides a place for him to express that safely and thankfully not on the neighborhood cat:) The Healing House fosters an environment that allows children to meet other kids who speak their language and to express what is going on in their young and unfortunately experienced hearts.

Ella and Dude have been attending the Healing House for a year now and it has RICHLY blessed their lives. Ali and I, as parents, more often than not feel like we do not have the answers to the questions Ella and Dude have regarding the death of Cate and it is so wonderful to know that there is a place where Ella and Dude can find comfort knowing they are not alone and its ok to feel whatever you are feeling. In the year that we have been attending Healing House they have asked us for 0 dollars! Everything the Healing House does for us and our children is COMPLETELY FREE! The Healing House runs completely on the generosity of others to provide a service that is priceless to these children who have experienced this type of tragedy at such a young age.

Last year there was a raffle in conjunction with a golf tournament here in Lafayette that offered the Healing House a chance to sell raffle tickets. Whatever money the Healing House raised they kept 100% of it! This is an awesome fundraiser for the Healing House and last year through me pestering you and you giving in, we raised a little over $3000.00 and that was just through Ella and Dude's friends and family!!!!!!! This year I want to beat that! I want to let the Healing House know in a BIG WAY how much we APPRECIATE the services they provide for Ella and Dude and ALL of Acadiana.

The Grand Prize of the raffle is $5000 and the tickets are $10 a piece and 10 tickets come in a book PLUS for all you Acadiana golf fans your raffle ticket gets you a one day pass pass to the Chitimacha Louisiana Open at LeTriomphe Golf Course. So, not only do you get a chance to when 5000 bucks, but you get the chance to watch these great golfers battle it out for a PGA card, I went last year with my free pass and it was amazing!

Please help our little family make a huge THANK YOU to the Healing House by supporting the Healing House through this raffle. Your support ensures that no child will grieve alone! You can send me an email at cdcantrell3@gmail.com and let me know how many tickets you want. The checks are to be made payable to "Healing House" NOT to me! You will mail your checks:

Charlie Cantrell
P.O. Box 52978
Lafayette, LA 70505

I will then fill out your tickets and mail the stubs to you. It does not matter where you live, last year we had people from ALL over the country who supported the Healing House by buying tickets! Thanks for taking the time to read this note and for your support of Ella and Dude and the Healing House, hope for grieving children!

Much Love,
Charlie

Only the Lonely

2010-02-26T10:32:00.000-08:00

Let me start off by asking you an honest question and do not just answer right away, really take a minute and think about it, are you lonely? When we hear the word lonely we think of someone sitting in front of the television with a pint of Bluebell ice cream, some of it on their shirt, some of around their mouth, most of it already in their belly, watching a sappy romantic movie or maybe star trek and wishing they had a significant other to do something with. That is usually the picture modern day media paints as someone who is lonely, but that is far from being the only definition of loneliness. As you think about that question, are you lonely? You might think, “no, I’m not lonely, I have a great spouse, great friends, great kids, a great job, a great social life, a lot of friends on facebook…I’m not lonely.” You might have all of these, any combination of these or even one of these and think I’m not lonely.

In the meditation book I am reading right now Nouwen talks about two types of loneliness. The first being an “emotional loneliness” which is important but more on the surface, i.e. “the need for friends, family, and home.” The second is a little deeper it is one that is there even if we have some or all of the above mentioned things to fill the “first loneliness.” The second loneliness is one that cannot be filled by any of these things because it can only be filled by one thing, the love and intimacy of a relationship with God our Father. As I read the reflection this morning and began to pray, the question that popped up in my heart was, “What am I filling that loneliness with?” There is a natural desire in all of us that when we feel a sense of loneliness to begin to grab at things that this world provides to either distract or numb this yearning that is deep in our hearts. Honestly, I think most of the time, because it has become so habitual for us, we do not even realize that we are doing it to fill that void. It become such a part of our life that whether it is getting on facebook every five minutes to see what other people are doing as not to feel lonely, eating as to fill a spot in our hearts that yearns for comfort, pornography to satisfy our loneliness, empty sexual relationships that leave us feeling more empty the next morning than we felt the night before, the use of alcohol or drugs in order to just completely numb this feeling of loneliness, or it might even be buying things we cannot afford in order to feel excitement and fulfillment, when in two months when the “next great thing comes out” we will need whatever that is too.

The list can go on and on and it is a very personal list. It is something that if we step back from our lives and take an honest look and ask ourselves the question, “Am I lonely” the answer is ultimately a resounding YES. Here the thing though, the loneliness that I speak of is NOT a bad thing, in fact it was placed in our hearts by our loving Father in order that our hearts may always have a longing for Him. Nouwen says in the meditation, “It is important for us to dare to welcome the fullness of our second loneliness…In a way, this loneliness opens us to personally know the true God.” Our effort should be that we begin to readjust our thinking from a fear of loneliness to a welcoming of it. As we begin recognize this loneliness not as a bad thing but as a stepping stone that allows us to touch the heart of God, we can begin to transition “from Fear to Love” as Nouwen put its.

As we end the second week of Lent journeying towards Easter can we stop for a few minutes and take a long hard look at the loneliness that permeates from the inner depths of our hearts and not be afraid of it? Can we be honest with ourselves and really ask the question, what am I filling this loneliness with? And that question is followed by, is it truly working? The priest who celebrated Mass on Ash Wednesday at the Church I attended posed the question, “Will I be the same person on Easter Sunday that I am on Ash Wednesday?” It is during this time of Lent that we concentrate on purifying our hearts and our lives from the things that keep us from truly experiencing the fullness of God’s love and acceptance. May we take this time to rid our lives, not all at once, but a step at a time, of the “things” we are trying to put in place of a true, deep and intimate relationship with our loving Father!

Much Love,
Charlie

Leaving and Returning

2010-02-25T09:18:00.002-08:00

As I started this Lenten season to be honest it was the beginning of “returning” for me. It is funny, not haha funny, more God funny, how certain things get put in your path at just the right time to be aids in the “returning” process. On this returning process it has been a little Lenten meditation book given to be my mother-in-law. It is called “From Fear to Love, reflections on the Parable of the Prodigal Son” by Henri Nouwen. I have always been a fan of Henri Nouwen’s writings but this time it seems as though God has hand picked one to be an aid/guide as I begin yet again the returning process. Over the past year, as I said in the first reflection, I feel like the efforts or lack there of to deal with these issues has not truly gotten me anywhere. As a result I have often felt unworthy and honestly scared to return to the Father, whose infinite love waits patiently for the return of his son. A couple of things that I have stood out to me in these reflections that I wanted to share because I think the are applicable to each and everyone of us prodigal sons and daughters whether we find ourselves in the younger or the older son’s role.

“The Love of the Father embraces not just the return of the son but also the leaving of his child. That is really important: the whole movement of leaving and returning is a movement done under the loving eyes of the father.”

As a father myself, this reminds me of something that my son, Dude, says all the time, “Daddy, don’t see me,” He will say this when I am standing right in front of him and it usually involves one of three things, either he is mad at me about something I have just told him, he is doing something he should not be doing or he is trying to “surprise” me with something special. This is the exact same thing we try to do with our Father in Heaven. When life hurts us in a way that throws us for a loop and all out of wack we usually ask one of two questions, God why did you do this? or God, how could let this happen? And the reaction that follows is like Dude’s, “God, don’t see me” and we go off to try to “figure it out on our own.” Am I right? And to be honest I believe God’s response is similar to my response to Dude, “Ok, buddy, I don’t see you, said with a loving grin and all the while keeping a watch eye on what he is doing. The loving eye of the Father never leaves us, even though we think we are “out there on our own.” When Dude is upset with me he goes off and does his own thing and usually, being the big soft hearted lug that he is, like we all are whether we act like it or not, he comes back in to me in a matter of minutes and says, “Daddy, I’m sorry for not listening, do you forgive me?” And my response is the same every time, I wrap his little body up in a big hug and say of course I forgive you and I love you so much. If I, an imperfect father, have the ability to do this for my child, how GREATER is our perfect Heavenly Father’s response when His child returns. So the question is “Why do we leave?”

Nouwen’s response to this is:

“I believe that in a very deep sense, one has to be convinced of God’s love in order to take the risk of leaving once in a while…It is important to understand that God’s love fills you and surrounds you whether you are leaving or returning, and that God waits with longing love to welcome you on your return.”

If Dude was not certain of my love, would he walk away or would he return? If he didn’t know with confidence that he was safe to get upset and angry with me and at the same time know with certainty that upon his return he would be met with love and forgiveness, would he leave? Or more importantly, would he return? I think these are interesting questions for all of us to ask ourselves. I think written deep in our hearts is a confidence in the love of our Heavenly Father. Even with all that life has thrown our way, somewhere underneath the pain and rubble of what was once our innocent and pure hearts remains the confident love of a son or a daughter in the powerful love of their Heavenly Father. I think what Nouwen is saying is that if we can begin to realize that the love of God is not ONLY with us when we are doing everything right, but with us ALL the time, it begins to make our return a easier and quicker. If today we can try to connect with that confident love in the Father that was woven into our hearts when we were created we can begin to experience life in a new way. A new way in which our “leavings” and our “returnings” do not have to be filled with resentment and guilt, but that we can begin recognize that they are surrounded by the acceptance and love of our Heavenly Father. If we can begin to do this then the leavings don’t have to be years of hurt, anguish, and loneliness, but can be times of, Ok, God, I need a minute here to think about how I feel about what just happened, knowing that His loving eye is on you and your return can be like that of Dude, quick and confident in what is waiting for you, that being perfect acceptance, love and forgiveness.

I think that the question that poses itself naturally right now is what are we waiting on…RETURN!

Much Love,
Charlie

Its been a while since I've been inspired to write but I think its returning, below is another one that I wrote recently.

Lenten Recognition

2010-02-25T09:18:00.001-08:00

As this Lenten season begins I find myself in a place of longing. It did not begin today, it has been stirring in my heart for sometime and to be honest I did not know what to do with it. Though I knew the “church answers” I still found myself unsure of what it was I needed to do, but more importantly I was unsure of where God’s love was in the midst of this confusion. After the loss of our daughter Cate, my family and I went into survival mode. We just had to figure out how to survive the immense grief and confusion we found ourselves in the days and months that followed Cate’s passing. It was difficult to understand how this could happen and even more difficult to understand how God could let this happen. There was real sense of being ALONE, and this sense permeated through our marriage, friendships, and even my relationship with God. It was difficult to see how or if at all He was working and moving in my life because all I could see was the pain, hurt, anger and resentment. Although from the outside we may have looked like we were “moving on with God’s grace and assistance,” there was and sometimes still is, another life being lived in my heart that very much felt and still feels stuck sitting in a pool of pain and confusion.

After the year anniversary of sweet Cate’s passing there definitely felt like a lighting of the load of which we had been carrying, but the pain and confusion still lay so deeply in the hearts of my little family and myself. A few months ago I began to just feel like it was time for me to begin a process of slowing trying to sift through this darkness that I had been in for so long. I felt like because of past experience I knew in my head that God was not separated from this place I found myself in but that in fact He was in the middle of it, even though I did not “feel” He was anywhere near me. One day back in December I shared in a nutshell with a brother of mine what was going on in my heart and asked him to pray for me. He of course agreed to pray for me, like a good little Christian brother, and then he asked me when the last time I had met with my spiritual director was? I honestly told him that it had been quiet a while since I had seen him so he encouraged me gently to call him and set up an appointment to meet with him. About a week later my brother sends me an instant message, asking if I had called my spiritual director yet? To which, I honestly answered, no. The next day he call my cell and left a rather strong message of encouragement that told me to put on my big boy pants, get off my rear end and call my spiritual director, this is a very loose translation of what was actual left on my voicemail.

Due to his persistent encouragement I called and set up an appointment with my spiritual director. The appointment went well as they usually do and the direction that I was pointed in was to recognize my own helplessness to get through this pain, resentment and abandonment I find myself, which is VERY hard for me to do. I am the kind of guy who says, no one is going to do it for me, so I have to get it done myself, this is a lie comes from an old wound in my heart, that I struggle with often. Well, here I am a year and half after Cate’s death and I am STILL trying to do it by myself and needless to say, it has not worked very well. What I believe God is calling me and all of us, is to actively recognize where He is, where is HAS been, and what He has been doing all along. He is the reason that I began to recognize that something was not right in heart, He is the reason my heart was moved to share with my brother about where I was found myself, because HE lives in my heart, He is the one moving me back to Himself, not because of what I can do for Him, but for the simple fact that He loves me.

My sweet wife left a Lenten reflection booklet by Henri Nouwen, under the keys to my truck this morning. As I went to walked out of the door I grabbed the book and thought, “you know, I can take few minutes to read this in the morning and pray at my desk before I start the work day. God in all His divine persistence, chose to continue shining His light on my heart and to continue revealing his love for me this morning and to remind me that the only reason that I know that I am lost is BECAUSE I know His love. Here is a few excerpts from the reflection for you to chew on:

“If there is no parent, we cannot be lost. If we have no parent to return to, there is no experience of being lost. We are only lost, when we can be found. Only in the light of goodness and forgiveness do we discover that we are lost.”

“The love of a parent makes the child aware of being lost.”

“We only know that we’re in darkness when we come into the light of God’s love. It is only in the light, in the fullness of the sun, that we know there is a shadow.”

These simple words remind us that our Father in Heaven is the one who even helps us to see that we are lost, so that we may choose to return to the safety, comfort and love of His arms. The two things that really jumped out at me in my own life were: 1) the only reason I knew I was lost was because I knew the love of our Father in Heaven, otherwise what would I have noticed was missing? and 2) It was only through God shining His light in my heart to help me to realize that I was lost and then shining His light through my heart to my brother to encourage me to meet with my spiritual director did God not begin, BUT continue the process of drawing me back to Himself.

My prayer is that this Lent be one of recognition. That I truly begin to recognize how God has been working in me and around me over the past year and half, that I begin to recognize that it is not ME, but HE who lives in me, who will heal the hurt and confusion, and that I also begin to recognize again His movements in my daily life. May this Lenten draw us all into a deeper understanding of God’s immense Fatherly love for his children!

Much Love,
Charlie

Jacob William Cantrell

2009-11-11T10:55:00.000-08:00

Greetings to all!

Well, #4 entered the world last night! Jacob William Cantrell entered the world weighing in at 8lbs 11oz and 20in long. Mom and Jacob are doing great! Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers, God Bless you all!!!! I uploaded some pictures to my flickr account. If you would like to check it out go to www.flickr.com/photos/cantrellkids We love and appreciate all you have contined to pray for our little famly!

Much Love,
The Cantrells

Jacob's Echo

2009-08-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! Well we just finished up with the second Echocardiogram and the doctor has said from what she can see Jacobs little heart has no major anomalies and for Ali to go and enjoy the rest of her pregnancy!!!! Praise God, Praise God, Praise God! Work is crazy so I can’t write more but I will have a more detailed update here tomorrow. Thank You Thank You Thank You for all of you prayers!

Prayers Today

2009-08-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! Just a reminder that today is Jacob's cardiologist appointment. We will get the hospital between 1:30-2:00. I will update the blog this afternoon once we are all finished. Thank you for your continued faithfulness to our little family!

Much Love,
The Cantrells

Jacob's Echocardiogram

2009-08-06T11:25:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! Wow, the emotion that today has brought was a little more than we expected to be honest. We went in today for an echocardiogram of Jacob's little heart with the cardiologist, Cate's old doctor. As I drove into the parking lot there was the eerie feeling of nostalgia and fear. I missed having a car seat in the backseat of my truck with a little girl in it and at the same time I was faced with the fear of the possibility of having to do this all over again with Jacob. As Ali's van pulled into the parking lot I could tell that she had been crying. She got out and as we starting walking towards the building I asked her, "you doing ok?" and right then she fell apart in my arms. We stood in the parking lot of a hospital holding each other as we had done so many times before and my heart once again felt so helpless. The only words I could muster to pray were, "Jesus, we trust in you" and then to hold my wife close to me as her motherly heart relived so many painful experiences that it had endured over the past two and half years. I asked her if we could pray, to which she said yes. We stood in the parking of the hospital once again, asking for protection, peace, and healing. Then just as we had walked out of the hospital the day Cate died, we walked into another one today, hand in hand.

Ali laid down on the bed and the doctor came in to begin in the echo. It was as though all of time hung in the balance as the computer screen became black and white with movement and small little Jacob's body parts coming in and out of focus. Then the four little chambers of Jacob's heart came in to view and it was go time. It felt like this was going to be the deciding moment that would determine what the next few months and possibly years to come would be like. As I stood peering over the doctors shoulder with my hand on Ali's leg I felt like I knew a little more this time about what I was looking for and what questions needed to be asked. The doctor was able to look at all the chambers and the size of each one. She was able to see the blood flow in and out of the heart. She then started looking for the aortic arch which felt like it took her about five years to find and just built anxiety in the room that could be cut with a knife. It seemed like the exam took hours when in all actuality it probably took twenty to thirty minutes.

The doctor then explained to us that from what she could see the heart was growing and developing as it should be and that he had a strong heart beat. She explained to us that this procedure due to the baby size and the fact that he was in utero could not possibly see everything. She also said that she was not able to see the entire aortic arch or the entirety of the artery itself, SO, we are having to scheduling ANOTHER, echo at an LSU hospital in order for her to be able to look at his heart on a bigger machine. I asked if we should be freaking out and not sleeping over this second appointment and she said no, that if she had been able to see major issues that we would be going today. She also told us due to the fact that the heart performs differently outside mommy's tummy because right now mommy is breathing for the baby, that we would have to bring him back after he was born for her to look at him again.

In many aspects it felt like one of Cate's doctor's appointments, good news tempered with the reality of the fragility of life. So once again we are laying our trust and hope at the feet of Christ. There was NO BAD NEWS today, but when you so wanting so badly to hear, "everything looks great, go enjoy the rest of your pregnancy," and you don't, it does take some of the wind out your sails, you know? I want to thank everyone for the out pouring of prays for Jacob, Ali, and I in the days leading up to today and today. We ask that you continue to be vigilant in intercession for Jacob and our little family. Our next appointment will be on Wednesday August 19th as far as we know. If anything changes we will let you know.
Much Love, The Cantrells

A Cate Sized Hole

2009-06-25T08:43:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! As yesterday had gotten closer and closer my feelings have been a mixed bag of tricks. It is extremely hard to believe that it has been a full year since our precious Cate left this earthly life and began her eternal one. Our little family has been on the ride of its life over the past 365 days. There were truly days where I did not know if we would make it through as a family and then there have been days that I cannot imagine how much more I can love my wife and children and I know that they are an essential part of my healing.

As I drove to Thibodaux, Louisiana the other morning for work there was a true feeling of freedom and even a true sense of happiness. These two feelings are not ones that I have had in quite a while so I began to explore them by simply asking God why I was feeling like this. It just had come out of no where so I was not really sure what was initiating the sudden onset of a joyful experience. The words, “You’ve made it” came to my heart, oh, yes, the sweet words that I have wanted and needed to hear. Is all well? No, not completely. Do I not miss Cate dearly? All the time! But I truly feel like with yesterday brought a true sense of freedom from that “first year.” I feel like as I look at my family I realize that we are not the same Cantrell’s we were a year ago, but I like some of the new aspects that I see in who we are as a family unit. I enjoy that I truly try to say yes to my kids more than no, not in the spoiling sense of “things” they may want but when they ask to do puzzles, swing, or play chase in the backyard. I enjoy that after struggling, clawing, fighting, crying and yelling, that Ali and I are beginning to come to a new place in our marriage that we have never been before, a place of deep honest mutual love and understanding.

One of the greatest joys that Ali and I have experienced over the past year is the love and resiliency of Ella and Dude. They have had their little worlds turn upside down and yet they continue to amaze me at the joy they possess and how loving they are! Ali and I were sitting outside the other day watching the two of them play on the slip-n-slide in our backyard when we realized that it was a year ago that we were playing in the backyard with Cate and we took the pictures of her in the pool with the kids and the ones of her sitting in the bumbo seat with food all over precious little face. I told Ali that the thing that I feel like is the largest testimony for me of who our family is, is who our children are today even with all they have been through over the past year. During the summer I speak at a series of Catholic youth conferences that are held around the country. I spoke at the first one two weeks ago and my family got to come with me, WHAT A BLESSING!!! After the weekend the coordinator of the conference called me on the Monday morning just to tell me how special our children are and the way that they love is so special. That phone call was such a confirmation for Ali and I from God that we are “ok” that our kids are “ok” and that with all the heartache over the loss of Cate that Ella and Dude have experienced that God has filled their little hearts with love.

Yesterday on the anniversary of Cate’s passing we did the same thing we did on the day Cate died, we celebrated our family. We all loaded up in the truck and went to our favorite local flower shop where the kids picked out the balloons and flowers that they wanted to give to Cate. After leaving the flowers shop we went to the cemetery to “Cate’s sign” where we released the balloons and gave her the flowers that the kids had picked out for her. The sweetest thing happened while we were there, Ella had gotten back in the truck because she was hot and Dude was wondering around looking at other people’s signs and Ali and I stood there having a quiet cry. I hollered at Dude that it was time to go he ran over to us, stopped in front of Cate’s sign, blew her a kiss and continued on the way to the truck. Wow, the tears just streamed down my face and my heart hurt for that little boy, but I was so proud of him for still loving on his sister!

We have made it through this year as a family and we will remain a family. As we prepare for our new arrival in November we know that Cate is still and always will be an active member of our family, in fact, Ella is so excited because now there will be three girls, Mommy, Ella, and Cate and three boys, Daddy, Dude, and Baby Boy Cantrell #2! We want to thank all of you who have and continue to lift our little family up in prayer, we would not be where we are today if it were not for those prayers and still need them alot. All of your cards, letters, gifts, and emails that you all have sent over the past year have reminded us of how loved and supported we were and are and you will never know how much that has meant to us.

On June 24, 2008 a Cate sized hole was left in the heart of our family and though she will never be replaced, God has poured a whole lot of love and grace into such a broken place. We have not done it perfectly by any means, but there is such a joy in my heart to know that we have done it together. Our family is stronger, our family is more loving, our family understands that God never abandoned us through this process and we remain a family journeying in hope. Thank you God for Cate’s life, for her love, and thank you Cate for all the prayers that your innocent little mouth has whispered into the ear of the Father for your family here on earth. We love you and miss you kid and we can’t wait to see you soon!

Much Love,
The Cantrells

Back in the Saddle

2009-04-03T13:42:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all!! Well, we are back in the saddle guys and gals and you all may be thinking I am talking about the blog, well that too, but one week ago today I found out that little Cantrell number four has made its entrance into the world, that’s right, Ali is PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!! Ok, I will give you a minute to go get some tissue if you need to gather yourself. You read it right the first time, the Cantrell’s are having another baby!!!!!! Wow, is right, as the words “there is something I need to tell you” came out of Ali’s mouth last Friday night as we sat waiting on friends to meet us, the absolute last ones that I thought would follow would be, “I’m pregnant.” I was expecting, our electric bill was real high, the cats pooped on your favorite shirt, dude ate your favorite shirt. As the words I’m pregnant rolled off of her tongue, I felt all the blood leave my face, I took a long sip of the cold beer that sat in front of me, still not sure if it was mine, and said, Wow, I am so excited, not really meaning that at all, I just didn’t know what else to say at that very moment. And then she followed it by and you can’t say anything to our friends yet, WHAT!!!! Ok, now I have to act like everything is normal when my head is spinning around on my shoulders. Women, that is so typical of you all to do something like that in public that way we can’t freak out and then say, and oh yeah, we can’t talk about it. You are such interesting creatures.

We went to the doctor on Monday for an ultrasound. I saw the little blob on the screen and immediately saw the little beating heart, WOW, what a miracle uh, 8 weeks old and I am watching its little heart beat on a black and white screen. I told Ali that it couldn’t be mine, it looks nothing like me. I asked the nurse if she could print me out a picture to carry around in my truck to remind me that my wife is PREGNANT, and yes we know how it happens, apparently we just like how it happens, especially in February, now that three of our four children will have November birthdays. New rule in the Cantrell house, in February mom or dad moves out, for the MONTH. We met with Dr. Rose and she said that everything looks good right now and that the chances of us having another heart baby are low, but around twenty weeks she wants us to go see a Cardiologist for her to look at Baby Cantrell’s heart, so we need you guys again to be praying for a healthy heart please!

We told Ella and Dude last night, they screamed and hollered at the dinner table. Ella laughed hysterically but you could tell it was with a twinge of nervousness. She quickly proclaimed that it was a boy, we reminded her that we did not know yet what God had given us, but daddy was really hoping it was a PUPPY. This morning Ella wanted to bring the ultrasounds picture with her to school to show everyone her new sibling. Can you picture that a bunch of pre-k’ers huddled around an ultrasound picture of a Uterus trying to figure out what it is! We had not even gotten off our street before she had told someone that, “Mommy has a baby in her tummy!” and when the lady who was opening the doors in the carpool line opened the door, there was Ella standing up tall, holding the picture declaring loudly that, her mommy was pregnant. I am sure by this afternoon our small town will be buzzing with, “Did you hear, the Cantrell’s are pregnant!”

Is there fear? YES, there is fear, but I cannot and do not want to let that fear run my life. I write this blog almost two years to the day that we found out when Ali was pregnant for Cate that we might lose her in Utero and that there was something developmentally not right. The past two years have been a long road for this little family. Is this a little sooner than I would have liked to welcome another child into our family, maybe, but, maybe it is the perfect time. Maybe as we begin to close the chapter of mind numbing pain from the loss of Cate, God can open the next chapter of fruitful love in the life of the Cantrell’s. I am ready to get back in the saddle of love and new life, I am ready to welcome this baby knowing that its big sister Cate has her hand on its every move. As I sat on the back step the other night crying to Cate, telling her that I didn’t know if I was ready to move on and that I was scared of the possibilities of this baby have heart problems to and asking her, “Cate, please pray for me, but pray and watch over your new little brother or sister.” I kid you not, in my heart of hearts I heard her snicker at me and say “Dad, I am so sure! I am not going anywhere, your not “moving on” and stop worrying I am already on it” and I had a vision of her rolling her eyes! It was AWESOME, I love that little girl.

Well, here we go again, back in the saddle of welcoming children into the world of the Cantrell’s. We need you guys, I know you all have been praying even though we have not been writing and you will never know how encouraging it is to get comments on the blogs just saying that you are still here and still praying even though we haven’t written in months. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Please add this new Baby Cantrell to your list and we will keep you up to date as we journey through this pregnancy and as we prepare our hearts to meet this new son or daughter and welcome them joyfully into our little family. God bless you all and thank you for the prayers.

Much Love,

The Cantrells

Raffle Tickets

2009-03-23T10:12:00.000-07:00

Greetings to All!

I had a question asked in the comments of the last blog about the Healing
House. Yes, you can still buy tickets through me. Make the checks payable
to the Healing House and you can mail them to me at:

Charlie Cantrell
P.O. Box 52978
Lafayette, La 70505

Once I receive your check I will send your ticket stubs with
a Big Ole Louisiana Thank You from Dude and Ella personally.
Thanks again to all who have bought raffle tickets so far,
wow, you guys blow me away!!!!!! The Healing House truly is
such a blessing to our children so for yall to support it you
are directly supporting Dude and Ella and other kiddos who have
losted love ones.

Much Love,

Charlie

Healing House/Ella and Dude

2009-03-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

Greetings to All!

I know its been a while, please pray for our little family as we continue to trudge through the muck and mud of grief, we appreciate yall, sorry its been a while since we have written, just not much to say right now, hang with us, we love you. Below is a little request if you are interested.

I hope this note finds you all well! As all of you know this year has been a challenging one for our little family. One of the things that has brought our family, especially Ella and Dude, hope and comfort over the past few months is the Healing House. The Healing House is a non-profit organization that helps children to go through the grieving process who have lost siblings or a close loved one with other children who unfortunately find themselves in the same situation.

Ella and Dude attend a group session every other Thursday night where they have group time with a social worker for a while and then they have "free play" for a while. While the kids are in the back having their time, the parents can be a part of a group that goes on simultaneously in the front. The Healing House provides all of its services for FREE, everything they do for us and our family, they never ask for a single penny, what a GIFT to our children and to us, who so often don't know how to find the words to comfort them, during these challenging times.

The Healing House in conjunction with a Golf Tournament here in Lafayette is having a raffle. The Healing House receives 100% of the proceeds from the tickets that it sells to go towards continuing the wondering and necessary services that it provides. The Grand Prize of the raffle is $5000 and the tickets are $10.00 a piece. I know that many of you live out of state, but I will mail your ticket stubs once I receive your check. Here is the other great thing, you make the check out directly to the Healing House and therefore it is tax deductible. I ask you to please consider supporting this extremely important organization that is so important and necessary to our little family and our kids.

If you choose to support the Healing House and the services they provide to us please shoot me an email with the number of tickets you would like to purchase so that I can get the necessary number of books from the Healing House and if I could ask that you send your checks as soon as possible, but by the end of next week at the absolute latest so that I can get them turned in to the Healing House. Please do not forget to make your checks payable to the Healing House and mail them to me at the address below my name.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU from the bottom of our little family's heart.

Please feel free to forward this on to anyone who knows our little family and who has followed our family's journey.

Much Love,
Charlie, Ali, Ella, Dude, and Baby Cate
P.O. Box 52978
Lafayette, LA 70505

Embracing the "new" me

2009-01-19T18:41:00.000-08:00

“... pay close attention to the times that God calls you away from the valley and invites you to tiptoe quietly back into the light. It is still there, waiting for you.”

I received an email months ago from a dear friend who was to undergo surgery for cancer later that day. She spoke these words with a peaceful wisdom that comes both from life’s experience and a God fearing heart. Her encouragement and sweet invitation to tiptoe back to the light were initially met with resistance from my fortressed heart. In the months since Cate’s death, I have learned to guard my heart even more and to protect it at all cost. So, to step out “into the light” was much more than I desired to do. But the email stuck with me, and a day or so later another sweet woman gave me permission to ... fight for the happiness I deserve. And then I got it ... If I want to somehow start getting my life back together than I have to start embracing small steps to wholeness.

I will be the first to admit that the stages of grief are all consuming in moments and sometimes days. The stage of anger was and is one of my biggest struggles. I have unleashed my furry on a few dear friends, who thankfully still love me. My anger comes from a place of honesty and although it is somewhat uncomfortable it helps to continue the softening of my heart. They are small steps in a powerful direction, allowing me to not hold so tightly to my fears. Anger is not one of those “pretty feminine” attributes that I “do” well, but I am learning fast that it does have a place in a mother’s heart. And if you channel it well, anger can be both liberating and productive. And although I will admit that “angry Ali” is not an enjoyable place to be, (or enjoyable to be with) she does have a valid place in this process.

Yet through the anger, the months have unfolded, life has continued on, but the reality of Cate’s death remains the same. What I am learning is that there is no finish line on this journey. There is; however, an embracing of the “new” me and my “new” family. The marathon race we began with Cate’s surgery has continued on without her, and the load we carry now is more than we anticipated. I changed the day Cate died, we all did. Our family is not who we were seven months ago, and I don’t anticipate being “those people” again. We will continue to develop and grow, hopefully for the better. However a part of each one of us died that day. Along with grieving Cate, we also grieve that part in ourselves, which we buried with her.

Trust is harder to come by, and faith in God is often a decision, rather than a way of life. The “new” me hurts more often, cries more easily, and often ungraciously lashes out in anger. But the “new” me also take pleasure in great conversations and delights in hardy laughs. The “new” me has learned that evenings with grade school friends are some of my best treasures, and that my own children can give the most honest advice. The “new” me is learning that I find more solace in chocolate milk rather than wine, and new shoes take a back seat to worn-in boots.

The “new” me is learning that (if you allow yourself to listen) God shows up to comfort us when we least expect Him. A good friend invited me to attend a support group a while back for grieving parents of infants/babies. I felt much resistance to go. My heart felt filled with anger, not from her invitation, but from the sheer fact that by way of Cate’s death, I even needed to know about this support group. I didn’t want be counted among “them,” I wanted my baby girl back and to pretend that I never knew this group existed. Yet, when the group was over, there was a great sense of unity to be joined with others, who feel just as lost, confused, and left-behind. I felt a great sense of relief when others shared wisdom or expressed concerns that were similar to mine. One of the greatest gifts I received from the group is that I do not feel that I need to rush to complete Cate’s headstone. Her precious grave is still the humble concrete with fresh dirt. It brings me great comfort to “play” there many afternoons with the kiddos. We draw all over her grave with chalk and we blow bubbles. We walk ALL OVER the cemetery and the kids find comfort in bringing flowers to other graves that are “flowerless.” It does hurt my heart to know that an aspect of their innocence has been robbed by Cate’s death, and yet their resilience is inspiring, and hopeful. They continue to remind me that love abounds in our life, even when, and if it hurts.

So for now, I am embracing the “new” me. I embrace all that I have learned and will continue to learn on this journey. I embrace all of the hurts, loves, and new joys that we are experiencing through all of this. They are all incredible teachers. And I also embrace all the …peace that today offers… as I place one toe out of the valley and feel the light that waits to shine on us again.

All my love, Ali

Beautifully Ugly

2009-01-10T11:45:00.000-08:00

Greeting to all! As Ali and I were driving through Lafayette the other night heading home from a spontaneous date night this really attractive billboard caught my eye. On the bottom there was silhouettes of what appeared to be people in worship with hands raised and the silhouettes where outlined on the top with this really bright green color and the words Live Love Worship. As I drove to work the next morning that billboard popped back into my head and then scenes from worship events that I had been to over the years.. All the scenes were beautiful, the lighting was perfect, the stages were elaborately decorated, and the sound was done just right. All of this to create a perfect environment to worship our God.

The more I allowed my mind to journey into these various events and the feelings associated with them I began to think that my life does not even remotely resemble the beauty that flows out of those nights. Lately, I have felt so distant from God and whenever I pray it surely does not feel like any of these Spirit filled occasions. When I pray it feels dry and void of even words, believe it or not, but I continue to sludge through these valleys of prayer in search of refreshment. I began to wonder if I had not unknowingly conditioned myself to think that worship has to be “pretty,” that it must have the right “sound,” that it needs to be “inspired,” and have the perfect “words.” I thought to myself, that right now, my life and my prayer seems “ugly.” It doesn’t look like anything a “Good Christian’s” life “should” look like, even under the circumstances I find myself.

That day I stopped by one of my closest brother’s offices. Ironically, He runs a very successful ministry putting on nights of teaching and worship. His nights are always first class, they really create an environment which enables people to enter into worship through song, scripture, and the Eucharist. I felt like I could possibly be insulting what he is called to do but at the same time we are close enough that I felt like I could freely share these thoughts that had been flowing through my heart all day. I explained to him that as I was having these thoughts about worship the image of a bloodied crucified Christ kept coming into my heart and how “ugly” that scene must have been. He went on to say that we have to be authentic that our lives are not always as neat as a worship event. He shared a story with me about an encounter he had with an older prominent couple in the town that he works in. One of their children was having some personal struggles and ended up needing to get professional help and it had all been kept real hush hush. He ran into them at a gathering and asked them how they were doing, him knowing what was going on with their child, and they responded with some canned “good Christian” response and he thought to himself, “your lying to me.”

As a Christias we often feel that we have to hide behind our fig leaves just as Adam and Eve covered themselves out of their own embarrassment. These feelings are even more pronounced by the times that we live in when everything has to “look” perfect. I think even as a Church we have in someway begun to fall into the trap of thinking and unknowingly teaching that worship looks a certain way. Yet, if we are to really examine the Life of Christ, it didn’t look anything like that, it was real, it was raw, and the finale was one of the ugliest things that this world has ever seen, But guess what? That magnificent cross, was beautifully ugly, it was a physical embodiment of everything that had and would happen in this world. It was our Christ who willingly, honestly, and OPENLY took on the ugliness of this world and made the eternal statement, “you don’t have hide anymore.” I feel like He was saying to all of us, bring your ugliness to me, bring it out in the open, and I will make it beautiful. Unfortunately what happens is we try to hide our ugliness, dress up our ugliness, or just down right deny that it is even there, because if we are honest with ourselves we do not feel that our life is appropriate for the dressed up worship services that we attend or that our life is in and of itself worship.

Please understand what I am saying, I am in not in anyway putting down these incredible nights of worship, heck I love them as much as the guy. What I am saying is that worship is not a canned action. What I am saying is that worship is does not always feel good. What I am saying is that worship is not always pretty. Worship IS our life and I don’t know about you but my life is not always, not even most of the time, pretty and you know what, Christ’s life wasn’t either. His life was filled with rejection, disappointment, and in the world’s eyes, failure. The question that my heart asks is, why should I not feel like these valleys are worship? I had wondered the other day if the humanity of Christ thought to Himself as He hung on the Cross, “Father, I hope I am doing this right because this does not look like any Jewish sacrifice I have ever seen,” That is exactly how I feel right now. I feel like my prayer is often, God, I hope I am doing this right because this is not the kind of worship that I have experienced before. I desire a transformation to take place in my heart that will enable me to realize that my life is worship, the good, the bad, and yes, even the beautifully ugly.

Much Love,
The Cantrells

Wise Men are Fools

2009-01-05T11:23:00.000-08:00

Greetings to all! As we sat in Mass yesterday celebrating the feast of the Epiphany, in other words, the wise men’s arrival. I got to thinking about these so called wise men. Could you imagine if one your friends would say to you, “Look, I been doing a little research about this religion and from what I can tell they are all waiting on a king to arrive. I have been monitoring the stars through my looking device I invented and I found this star that was not there before. I have a feeling that if I follow that star it will lead us to this new king, wanna come?” There were three wise men, right? My question is who was the first one to see this star? And my second question is how on earth did he convince these other two fellas to go with him? There are a few things that I love about the wise men and I will elaborate on these each in a little detail.

First, angels did not appear to them singing Hallelujah and telling them to come over to Bethlehem the King is born. It was not some mind blowing spiritual experience that lead them to this newly born king. It was NATURE! I think a lot of times we can box God into such a small package as to not realize how much HIS creation all points to Him. Also, we continue to concrete ourselves in as our cities grow larger and so we get to experience less and less of His creation. I remember a few years back I had finished reading this book about men’s spirituality called, “Wild at Heart” by John Eldridge, it is an amazing book that truly continues to change my life, can you tell I highly recommend it? After reading the book I found out that John Eldridge and his team put on men’s retreats in Colorado and I decided that I wanted to go. I signed up for the retreat, bought a plane ticket and booked my rental car. The weekend was awesome, hands down one of the most powerful weekends thus far in my life, but do you know what was the most soul freeing experience of those four days was? The drive to retreat center believe it or not! I remember leaving the airport and the concrete jungle of Denver and the further and further I got into the mountains the more I felt my heart being freed. As I rounded this one corner traveling through the mountains, the whole landscape just opened up into the HUGE beautiful valley completely surrounded by the majestic Rocky Mountains. I literally pulled my car over onto the side of the rode, got out, walked to the edge of the side rail, and jumped off, ok, no I didn’t, that just added dramatic effect to the story. No, I just stood there and experienced all of God’s majesty, power, and beauty and I let His creation lead me into His heart at that moment. These wise men knew that God could use anything to lead people to Himself and so they followed His creation right to the feet of the King!

Secondly, can you imagine how crazy they looked to everyone they knew? In a day and age where we are probably more self conscious than society has ever been, can you imagine if you or I set out to follow a star because we thought it might lead us to a king? We are afraid to bow our heads in a restaurant to bless and thank our Heavenly Father for the meal He has sat before us, can you imagine if we were to do something radical like follow a star? These guys must have looked like complete and under fools to everyone they knew. We call them “wise men” NOW, but can you imagine the conversations about those fellas back in the day, “hey, you heard about Johnny, Danny, and Billy, they went looking for a king cause they saw a star! HAAHAHAHAHAHA what fools uh? But guess what? They found one! They not only found one, they found THE ONE! I think that the wise men present a challenge to us all to step out of our comfort zones in search of the King. I think that the wise men call ever single Christian out, by not what they said, but by what they did! They put everything on the line for this King and their actions present a very loud question to all of us, what are we willing to do to find the King? In the end, they were not fools, they went down in HISTORY as Wise men! That my friends is a legacy, wise men, in search of the King, that’s what I want to be and I don’t care how foolish I look!

My final thought on these wise men is that they may or may not have been Jewish. These guys could possibly have been the first Christians sorta of. Now, this is not a theological point so please don’t go to your priest, pastor, or whoever and tell them that I am calling the wise men the first Christians, I am not trying to make some new theological point, what I am saying is that Christ called everyone to Himself! And I think that these guys recognized something special about this child, something different. I think that is the reason they did not go back to Herod to tell him where they had found the child. The priest at Mass yesterday said that from the very beginning of Christ’s life even in the manger He was drawing people to Himself to adore Him. People from all walks of life from Sheppard to wise man from Jew to Gentile and from Sinner to Saint, He desires to bring us all to Himself! What an awesome thought that our God wants us ALL!

As we begin our Christmas Year, may we allow God to use His creation to draw us to Himself, may we not care what we look like to others as we follow Him, and finally may our hearts be filled with gratitude that our God wants us ALL!

Much Love,
The Cantrells

A Christmas Life

2008-12-24T12:32:00.001-08:00

Greetings to all! The stockings are hung by the chimney with care and thoughts of sugar plums will soon dance in my children’s heads. As I sit here on the eve of the birth of Jesus Christ I am reflective on this holiday season and also on this past year that will soon come to close next week. I have never really been the “Christmas” type, I don’t like large crowds of people, traffic, Christmas Carols, or elves, they kind of freak me out. On the other hand, I married Ms. Christmas, I believe that if you tract Ali’s genealogy that she is distantly related to the Clauses. She loves to decorate, she loves to have Christmas music on in the house, and her little heart goes pitter patter when the Egg Nog is put on the grocery store shelves in November. As the years have progressed I have made small steps to partake in my wife’s Christmas joys, more for her than for myself. I try to do things that let her know that what is important to her is important to me.

This year has been different for me. This year I found myself turning on Christmas music and singing along. I noticed just the other day as I strolled along a shopping center sidewalk doing a little Christmas shopping I caught myself whistling the tunes to popular Christmas Carols. I even succumb to my wife’s pleas to get the kids two kittens for Christmas. I am not sure what has happened to me this Christmas, especially with the year we have had. This Christmas season has had a real longing to it, there have been many tears shed between Ali and myself over the “missing” of our sweet Cate. But even with the “missing” there has been a lot of LIFE in our house. This morning I was thinking about Christ’s humble entrance into the world and how His life has brought us ALL the opportunity for real, true, and lasting life. Isn’t that was Christmas is about? LIFE!

Today makes six months since our precious Cate departed from this earthly life and began the celebration of her eternal life. It has been a painful six months yet even with that pain there has been so much LIFE brought into our family. There have been so many little “Christmases” in the past six months. Some small and some large instances where so many of you have humbly brought Christ into the life of the Cantrell family. So, as we approach tomorrow and the celebration of our Savior’s entrance into the world, my heart is grateful to all of you who have realized that Christmas is not something that we celebrate one day a year but something that we actively live.

There have been countless examples of how you all have brought the life of Christ to us, whether it is through your financial generosity, dinners you have dropped off at the house, gift cards so that we could take the kids to McDonald’s, Masses that are being said for Cate or our family, gifts that have been sent to our houses from you the readers that we have never met, and how after I wrote the blog about Ali and I liking La Crema Pinot Noir, you all brought bottles of La Crema to the house (I am thinking about mentioning in my next blog how I like beach houses, just kidding), or the group of anonymous women who have somehow banded together from around the country and world to spiritually carry my wife with prayers, cards, flowers, and gifts. You women whoever you are have touched my heart so deeply. I love my wife with all I have and I think she is such a special person, so to know that she has touched you in such a special way and that you all love her and are so committed to her means more than words to this humbled husband. I get emotional as I type this just thinking about how much of the life and love of Christ has been poured out on our little family. All of you, our family, friends and complete strangers have made this challenging time just a little easier. You all through your acts of kindness and generosity have truly decided whether you realize it or not to LIVE Christmas.

You all have inspired, encouraged, and challenged our little family to realize that once the carols have all been sung, the presents have been all unwrapped, the food has all been gluttonously devoured and the tree has been taken down, that Christmas does not end. Christmas is to be lived everyday in our hearts and in our actions. You all have shown us over the past six months that the opportunity to birth Christ into the world everyday in small ways and sometimes in big ways is always there. We do not have to wait until the toy drives or the giving tree in our Churches go up to bring the life of Christ into the world around us. Everyday there are opportunities to reach out to family members, neighbors, or in our case, as some of you have done, to complete and total strangers.

Maybe this year instead of New Year’s resolutions, which we don’t keep anyway, we can have “Christmas Decisions.” Decisions that we make as individuals and/or as families to not let Christmas be one day, but instead, be a lifestyle. On this eve of the birth of our Savior know that the Cantrell’s will carry you all in our hearts as we celebrate with our family this tremendous and spectacular event that happened so many years ago and that Christ continues to let happen through each one of us. From our family to yours we truly and whole heartedly thank you and wish you a Merry Christmas YEAR!

Much Love,

The Cantrells

Snowmen Chalkboards

2008-12-11T10:27:00.000-08:00

Greetings to all. Wow, it has been a long time, I know. The months immediately following Cate’s death were very slow, painfully slow at times. Our weekends were not committed to anything or anyone just because we could not make commitments. Well, as we have begun to make our re-entry back into society our calendars and lives have filled up rather quickly. It has been nice though to have “stuff” to do and to interact with other families. I feel as though I have been in a place of progress, moving forward, not moving on, simply moving forward and in a good way. I found that I had not been crying as much, yet still missing her. I truly believe having my counselor to work through these issues has been very helpful.

Before I get started with what I want to share with you all today I want to tell you a funny story. Living here in South Louisiana our winters are mild. We will get a few cold days here and there but rarely see snow. I remember growing up it snowed once when I was eight or nine and there was only enough snow to make a pathetic snowman about two feet tall and that took every flake of snow that had landed in our yard. Well, we had a strong cold front come though two nights ago with a lot of precipitation. Last night the weatherman they said that there would be a possibility that we would have some flurrys in the early morning hours before sunrise but nothing would stick because the ground was too warm. Around five o’clock this morning my phone starting beeping like crazy with text messages. It was friends and neighbors sending me messages to tell me that it was snowing. My first thought is WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! and then I quickly fell back asleep.

Well, when Dude and I rolled out of bed a little after six thirty and I looked out the bedroom window and sure enough it was still snowing. There was snow on the ground and snow on the rooftops. As Dude and I stumbled our way downstairs I told him that it was snowing outside he quickly slide down my arms, ran to the front door and pulled the curtain back. He stood at the door just staring out at the white world that he had never seen before. I told him that if they wanted him and Ella could put there shoes on and go in the backyard to see the snow. They started screaming as they franticly ran around the house looking for their shoes. They located their shoes, half way put them on, and headed for the backdoor with lighting quick speed and in a single motion that I couldn’t stop Dude ripped his diaper off threw it on the kitchen floor and ran out the back door into the snow covered yard. As I watch my half naked son and my beautiful daughter experience snow for the first time I knew that it would be a good day. Boys, what do you do with them???

Now, on to why I write today after a long hiatus from writing. Over the past few weeks I have noticed a regression in my feelings about Cate’s death. I feel like we had been moving in such a positive direction for quite sometime but over the past few weeks I feel like I have been taking three steps back. I find myself sad more often and missing her almost every minute of everyday. As Christmas quickly approaches as Christians we find ourselves in the season of Advent, a time of expectant waiting. Unlike the season of Lent where we take an active role in offering sacrifices, Advent is simply a time of waiting. I think that is exactly where my heart is right now, it is in a time of waiting. I am waiting for the pain to subside, I am waiting to find the new “normal” that we are now beginning to get glimpses of, I am waiting on the day when Cate will be reunited with our family and we will be whole again.

Waiting, it is such a hard thing to do when we desire something so much isn’t it? As Christmas gets closer Ali keeps asking me what I want for Christmas and honestly there is nothing that I want that anyone can buy. What I want cannot be bought, it must be given and there is only one person who can give it to me. What I want does not come in a pretty box with pretty paper and it does not come all at once. It is a big gift that comes in many small and often inconspicuous packages over time.

As I read the readings from daily Mass the other day it talked about the gentleness of our God. All I keep hearing in my heart was, “Charlie, be gentle with yourself, I am being gentle with you.” In a culture of cell phones, drive thrus, and microwaves, waiting is not something that we do very well and gentle waiting is not even in our vocabulary at times. Gentle Waiting is what I want for Christmas. I want to gently wait as my wife and children’s hearts mend and I want to gently wait as my own heart mends. Just as the Jewish people waited and longed for their Messiah, I too wait and long for my Messiah’s healing touch. There was nothing they could do to make Him come any quicker and there is nothing I can do to make this come any quicker. There was already a plan in place, a plan that God knew from the beginning of time. I know that He has a plan already in place for me and my family, the question is will I gently wait on Him? It is so difficult not find comfort in the things of this world but instead to say, Lord, I know your word is true. I know that you will be faithful to your people and I WILL wait on You.

Unlike the snowman chalkboard that hangs in our kitchen counting down the days till Christmas there is no chalkboard counting down the days until healing, wouldn’t that be nice? All of us are waiting on something, whether it is healing with our parents, reconciliation with our spouses or children, the healing of past hurts from friends, the healing from the death of a loved one, or the healing of our 401K, just a little economic humor for you. We all find ourselves in our own personal Advent. We all find ourselves waiting just as the Jewish people did over 2000 years ago. The question is how will we wait? Will we wait with an eager gentleness or will we grow weary and simply give up and give in. I want to choose to wait with that eager gentleness but I need help. I ask that as the holidays grow closer and we prepare to celebrate them minus one, that you, our many, who Cate has brought into our lives pray for our family, that we continue to gently wait on the healing touch of our loving God and as we wait on that special gift, that we be gentle with ourselves and each other as our God is gentle with us.

Much Love,
The Cantrells

A Celebration of Life

2008-11-10T12:40:00.000-08:00

Greetings to all! This past Friday, November 7th, was Cate’s first birthday. It is hard to believe that our precious Cate was born a year ago. It feels like ten to be honest after the road that we have been down over the past year, but especially the past four and half month. As her birthday began approaching Ali and I started talking about what we wanted to do to celebrate her birthday. How could we honor Cate as a family, what could be do to commemorate her birthday without her physically being here? How would we do this with Ella and Dude without throwing more confusion into their little brains with all that they have had to process over the past four and a half months?

Be a family, celebrate the life of our family is what we decided is what Cate would want for us. It just so happened that Sesame Street Live was going to be in town the weekend of Cate’s birthday. Ella and Dude live for Sesame Street Live, they have been able to go the past two years that it has come to town and ask when can they go back for the next 364 days it feels like. Every time we past the Cajundome, where Sesame Street performs, they tell us, “Look, look, that’s where Sesame Street lives!!!” So, Ali though that going to Sesame Street Live as a family would be a fun celebration for our family and so one night after we put the kids to bed we were both in the kitchen and she was on the computer booking the tickets for the Friday evening show. I suggested instead of the Friday evening that we go the Saturday morning that way the kids would not be tired and cranky, even though it was actually the day after Cate’s birthday. She agreed and proceeded to buy the tickets, when all of a sudden I heard her say, “OH NO!” I asked what was wrong, she said I accidently booked them for the Friday morning performance and once you book them there is no switching it. I said well, let’s not worry about it, we will take the day off and just spend it as a family.

The next day I was thinking about Cate’s birthday and the show and thought, you know what, let’s get out of town for the weekend. A few couples in our home town had gotten together and given us some money for a getaway weekend with the family as well as some passes to a zoo. I talked to Ali and she loved the idea. The bed and breakfast that one of the couple had originally suggested was booked for the weekend, but they recommended another place, so I called and they were open. Plans done!

Ali’s family called early last week and offered to have the kids sleep over at their house on the Thursday night before Cate’s birthday so we could have a couple ours to ourselves on Friday morning before Sesame Street. It was really nice, Ali and I woke up, kind of let the moment, the day, the “missing” sink in and then left to pick up the kids. Ali had bought really nice seats to the performance so the kids screamed, ate cotton candy, and got to high five all of their favorite Sesame Street characters. It was awesome to see the pure joy and excitement in their little eyes. Ali and I throughout the performance found ourselves just looking at each other smiling at the fact that our children were having such a wonderful time. After the show we bought each of them a ridiculously overpriced nicnac as well as a cd of the WHOLE show we had just watched. Looks like we will have all new songs drilled into our heads over the next year, but hey at least it is a change and that’s good I guess.

We then loaded up the van and headed off to the cabin, or as the kids call it “our camp” for the weekend. By the time we arrived it was dark, so we were unable to see the grounds, but when we walked in our cabin we were all blown away at how beautiful it was. It was big and spacious with two bedrooms, floor to ceiling windows overlooking the river, and a huge deck with chairs and a barbeque pit. The kids ran around exploring, claiming and decorating their bedroom, and then they hopped in the Jacuzzi tub for a nice warm bath with, as they called it HUGE BUBBLES. I went outside and fired up the pit for some good ole hot dogs. We put the kids to bed and Ali went and took a VERY long bath in the huge Jacuzzi tub and while she was bathing I fired up the wood burning stove so the living room would be nice and toasty for her when she got out. Once she was good and pruned she got out and curled up on one the beds that was right next to the fireplace to read her Tim Gunns, “Guide to Style” till she was fast asleep.

The next morning we woke up and headed off to Global Wildlife Center, which is like a zoo without cages, don’t worry, not carnivores, just herbivores. We loaded up on the covered wagons and road around the 900 acres feeding the giraffes, long horns, deer, camels, and all the other animals that stuck their head in our wagon. The kids had a blast, I looked over at one point and Dude was literally face to face with a giraffe that was eating out of his cup. The night before I had talked to dad on the phone and he told me that Global Wildlife was having one of its annual parties for its members and if we wanted to join he would go in halves with us, so before we left we join the Global family so we could go to the bonfire that night. After feeding all the animals we left to go feed our two little animals at a local pizza joint for lunch and then went back to the cabin for naps.

When the kids woke up we went exploring the grounds of the bed and breakfast, which were absolutely gorgeous. We did some fishing, played croquet and horse shoes, the weather was beautiful and we were just enjoying being all together. Once it started getting dark we headed back to Global Wildlife for the bonfire. What an awesome night! They had a HUGE bonfire, hot chocolate, marshmallow roasting, a live band, and SANTA was even there. The kids ran and played till they were totally exhausted. We woke up yesterday morning enjoyed the grounds some more and then headed home. It was truly a spectacular weekend.

It is hard to believe that our Cate would be a year old. Ali and I truly feel like we celebrated her birthday in a fashion that was honoring to her. She loved her family, she LOVED her brother and sister so I know to see them enjoy life, each other, and our family is what she would have wanted for her birthday celebration. We want to thank everyone who prayed for us this weekend, your prayers are appreciated and were strongly felt. Ali and I both shed tears of longing over the weekend, we miss that little girl, we wish everyday that she were still here, but the mark that she left on our family remains strong and makes us a stronger family. We have now officially had our first “anniversary” to get through, one behind us, a few more to go, but we are united as a family and we will continue to walk this path that has been set in front of us with hope. If you would like to see pictures of the weekend I uploaded them to our flickr account you can check them out at www.flickr.com/photos/cantrellkids

Much Love,
The Cantrells

Turning 1

2008-11-07T06:48:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl. May your day be filled with rainbows, roses, and butterflies! We love you, Mom, Dad, Ella & Dude

Candy for Dinner

2008-10-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! It’s been a big week around our house and a lot of fun too. Last Friday I picked Ella and Dude up from their after school care and was delighted to see that Ella was proudly carrying Ribbidy in her little arms. Ribbidy, is Ella’s pre-k class’s mascot and the student who has been chosen as “student of the week” gets to take Ribbidy home for the weekend. Well, needless to say Ribbidy has been the focus of my four year old daughter’s world since she started pre-k this year. Every Friday afternoon was met with a tinge of disappointment that someone else had been chosen as student of the week. Now, as wonderful a child as Ella is, she is also my wife and I’s daughter and if you have ever meet my wife and I then you know we are a bit animated and very vocal people. Well, needless to say our daughter is a perfect blend of my wife and I and therefore can be quite the busy bee in class sometimes. We had already planned a family outing Friday night to take the kids to the movies and then out to dinner, so we were very excited and then for Ella to be picked as student of the week was just the icing on the cake.

As student of the week at the next school Mass, which was today, you are given the class cross to take home and to pray for all the students at the school for the week. Well, today was also Grandparents day, so it was a double whammie for Ella, not only was she getting the cross at Mass, but both sets of Grandparents were going to be there for her to gloat just a little more. I went to Mass as the proud dad and sat in the back while Ella sat in the front with her grandparents. As the kids were filing into church they had music playing. All of a sudden I recognized the beginning notes of the song that was starting. It was, “The Mother Song” by Kelly Pease, the one that was sung at Cate’s funeral and the tears immediately started streaming down my face. Here I am sitting in the Church where we celebrated my daughter’s funeral with the song that was sung at her funeral being played. I pulled it together the best I could and then Mass began. Well, wouldn’t you know it, for the communion meditation they played it again and again the tears streamed down my face as I watched Ella singing the words of the song to my parents. She loves that song, her and Ali sing it almost every night before she goes to sleep. After Mass she was very excited to see me and to show me her cross so I walked her to her class where the grandparents where hanging out with the kids and then I headed off to work.

That song has continued to play in my head all day long and with it so many images of Cate have flashed through my head of her short life here with us. The last one was of the night before she went in for surgery. The room was filled with love ones and you could tell that she was so happy to see everyone. As each person held her she would just stare at them with this big ole cheesy smile and it was if she was soaking them up. There is a part of me that wishes I would have never put her down that night. There is a part of me that wishes I would have held her all night long and soaked up every second that I would have with her if I only knew then what I know now. As I write these words the pain falls from eyes in the shape of tears, the longing that I have for that little girl hurts to the core at some moments. I miss her today, I miss her a lot.

It really got me thinking this afternoon about my marriage and about my fatherhood. I want to soak up every minute I have with my wife and my children. I want to savor it deep in my heart knowing that we don’t know what tomorrow brings. I want to try to be a little more patient than I have been over these past few months with Ali, Ella and Dude. I want to hold them more, kiss them more, and listen to them more than I have done lately. I want to be quicker to listen than to get frustrated. I want to laugh more than fuss. I want have candy for dinner some nights just because we can and it means that we get to hang out as a family enjoying the moment and each others presence. When they crawl in my bed at 3:00am I want to pull them close to me, feel their little arm around my neck and smell their little breath even if it smells bad. I want to play outside, inside, in the car, in my truck, wherever they want to play, because there really isn’t anything else that is THAT IMPORTANT.

Unfortunately, we have had to learned all to close to home that life is short. We are not guaranteed anything except this moment that we find ourselves. My prayer today is that God allows me to be in that moment, experience that moment, and savor that moment. Also, that those moments be written on the walls of my heart, my wife’s heart and on the walls of our kid’s hearts forever. Thank you Lord for my beautiful family! Thank You Lord, for our precious Cate, though her earthly life was short, through You may her little life continue to teach us about what it means to truly live. Amen

Much Love,
The Cantrells

Every Hill Has a Bottom

2008-10-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! This past weekend we had a great family weekend! Friday night Ali and I got to go on a date night and then Saturday we participated in “Family Adventure Day” to raise money for the Healing House, which is the place that we asked people to donate instead of sending flowers to Cate’s funeral, there are pictures of the day at www.flickr.com/photos/cantrellkids . Friday was the first date night since the huge falling out that Ali and I had two weeks ago. I gave my spiritual director this analogy today over lunch to describe the time that our family finds itself in right now. Have you ever watched little kids run down a steep hill? It’s funny because at first they are in control but the further they get down the hill and the more they pick up speed the more they loose all control of their little bodies. They eventually can no longer maintain their balance and what do they do? Fall, and then they continue to roll down the hill until they reach the bottom. Well, I believe this is exactly what has happened to our little family over the past four months. After Cate died we started running down this hill of grief and at first we could “control” it, but the further and further we got down the hill and the more and more speed we picked up and the more out of control we got until eventually, we fell. It was probably about three to four weeks ago that we fell and two weeks ago that we reached the bottom of the hill. Now for the past two weeks I truly feel like we have begun the ascent uphill and we are doing it together, all of us even the kids. They have been putting into words their feelings about their sister in ways that they have not over the past four months. Are we out of the woods, no not in the least bit, but I do feel like we have at least started walking back up the hill and we both know that it is because there are a lot a prayers heading our way from all of you faithful sojourners on this road in which we travel.

Now on to the reason I blog tonight. This weekend I did what any good South Louisiana native does in the fall, watched the LSU Fighting Tigers football game. Saturday afternoon a friend of mine called and said that he was going over to another buddy of ours to watch the game and wanted to see if I wanted to join them. The friend that we were going to watch the game at just had his first child a few months back, a beautiful baby girl. Long before Cate went to have her surgery Ali offered his wife all of Cate’s clothes that she did not fit into anymore. His wife was so delighted and I remember that she washed, folded, and had them all put away months before their daughter was born. We were glad that the clothes were going to be put to good use and that the person who got them was so very grateful for them. Well, after Cate died there was one particular night gown that Ali wanted to keep, so she called his wife and asked if she would mind giving that one night gown back, of course she completely understood and offered everything back. Ali insisted that she keep the rest, it was just this one little night gown of Cate’s that was very sentimental to her.

The other night before I left to watch the game Ali asked me if I would not mind picking the nightgown up while I was there. When I got over to their house I asked him if he knew where that nightgown was because Ali had asked me to pick it up. He called his wife and found out where it was, but did not bring it outside right away. We then proceeded to hoop and holar as we watched the Tigers play ball and after the game when the night was winding down he brought out a plastic grocery bag and gave it to me. Not remembering that I had asked him for the nightgown earlier in the night I opened the bag and saw my little girls clothes in it and it tugged hard at my heart. If you remember from the last blog, it is the “missing” that can sneak up on you. In that moment I realized that I had no one to bring those clothes home to that would wear them. I said to my friends, “wow, that’s kind of weird you know, those are Cate’s clothes, but I don’t have Cate to wear them. His eyes welled with tears and he quickly turned his back and looked at the sky, the field, whatever he could to not make eye contact with me. I said, hey bro, what’s up, are you ok? At first he would not turn around so, I said it again, hey man, what’s going on? He said, “I realized that as I handed you that bag, that you don’t have a daughter to take those home to. He went on to apologize for crying and said that he has never wanted to breakdown in front of me, that I had enough to deal with and that I did not need him crying in front of me adding to what I was already feeling.

He is a former football jock and was quite the head cracker in his high school football days. I asked him, “When you played ball in high school did you have one guy that you loved playing football with?” He responded yes with a smile and named his teammate by name. I said those plays when he got hurt were you worried about him, was there a part of you that hurt cause he was not out there playing with you? He responded with a smile, yeah. How do you think that made him feel, that you loved playing with him that much and that you cared about him that much? I said, I bet it made him feel pretty dang special to you. Well, brother your tears don’t add to my grief they lighten it in some way, because they show me that you love me, my family, and my daughter. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hold them back anymore around me.

As I sat on my back steps tonight reflecting on that conversation the scripture that came to my heart was Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who Rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” This in a nutshell is what it means to be a community, this is what it means to be brothers and sisters in Christ. There are times that we will all rejoice together, and there are times that we will all weep together. Ever noticed that kids often run down hills with other kids? When one of them falls it is like dominos, they just start taking each other out, rolling down the hill together. When they get to the bottom, they ALL get back up and starting running back up the hill to do it all over again. We have some amazing brothers and sisters in our life who have run down this hill with us and are going to run back up with us and for that we are eternally grateful! Thank you, to all of you who are still with us and as we hopefully and hope-filled begin the walk back up this hill, hold our hands and laugh with us, hold our hands and cry with us knowing that one day we will all be back on top of the hill! Much Love, The Cantrells

Crushed Grapes

2008-10-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! This week I attended the funeral of another precious heart baby that went home early to be with our Heavenly Father. This is the second heart baby funeral I have been to since our precious Cate passed away. When I went to the first one in July I was still in a place of numbness and the reality of Cate’s death had not sunk fully into the depths of my heart and mind. This one was different, this one brought back a lot of memories of Cate’s funeral. Although I was at someone else’s child’s funeral it was though a movie was playing in my head of all the scenes from Cate’s funeral. From the rain on my face as we took her little casket out of the hurst, to the image of my three year old son without being asked taking his role as his little sisters escort as we walked her casket down the isle the church, the scene of the small wooden box that contained such a priceless treasure under the tent at the cemetery. It all was so vivid and so real, I did not go to this funeral to inflict unnecessary pain on myself I went because we have become friends with the parents through mutual friends about a year ago and then when they found out that they too were having a heart baby there was even more of connection. I just wanted them to know that we loved them and that with each other and with their God, they would make it, that they too would still be standing in the months to come.

They named their precious daughter Cana and so fittingly the gospel reading of the funeral mass was the wedding at Cana where Jesus performed His first miracle. Let me briefly summarize the story if you are not all to familiar with it. Jesus is at this wedding reception with his mom and the bride and groom run out of wine. This would be a huge embarrassment to the hosts if they ran out of wine to serve their guest, I am starting to wonder if the Jewish people and Cajuns aren’t second or third cousins to each other. Mary, being the good mother that she is cannot let this happen, so what does she do, tells her Son, Jesus, you better do something and do it quick, we can’t let this happen. Jesus says, Mom, it is not time yet for me to start doing things like this. Mary being the typical mom totally ignores him and tells the servants, to do whatever Jesus tells you to do. Jesus being the good son, listens to His mother’s request and tells the servants to fill six big jugs full of water. Then He tells them to take a cup to the head server for a little sampling. The head server is clueless to the events unfolding in the kitchen so when he tastes the wine that the server brings him he is a bit perplexed. This wine is far better than the stuff that they had just run out of so he goes to the groom and says, You know, normally people serve the choice wine first and then once people have been drinking a while, that’s when you serve a lesser vintage, but you have kept the good stuff till last. (John 2:1-11) Now this is my paraphrasing here, it is worded much more eloquently in the gospel of John but this is in a nutshell what happened.

Ali and I sat on our balcony one night last week talking and of course the conversation moved towards Cate and how we were feeling about her. The main thing that we both felt was that we were missing her. The shock and the pain have begun to subside although not gone completely of course. Lately it has been more the reality of she is really gone and she isn’t coming back and we miss her. I read on another parent’s blog that has lost a child about a meeting that her and her husband had with their pastor, who had also lost a child. The pastor talked about “the missing” and how it snuck up on him at times. As I reflected on this Gospel reading and sweet babies who go to heaven earlier than we anticipate, I got to thinking about those words, “the missing.”

What I came to realize is that with “the missing” comes “the longing.” You see this life is like the lesser vintage wine that was usually served first at wedding in Jesus’ time. It is good, there are things that we are truly going to enjoy in this life that will bring us great joy and happiness but there is a greater wine to be had. If you have had a taste of the greatest wine, i.e. heaven, then you long for that even more. The glimpses that I have had in my life of an intimate connection with God make me long for that greater wine even more. Its like when Ali and I go out to eat for a special occasion if they have it on the wine list we will get a bottle of La Crème, it’s a pinot noir that runs about thirty bucks a bottle and it is delicious, I strongly suggest you try some if you are a wine fan, but anyway. We have tasted great wines, but on an average night if we want a glass of wine we will pop the cork on just a five to seven dollar bottle of good wine. We enjoy it, but we have tasted better and that memory lingers in the back of you mind, man, if this were a glass of La Crème it would be even better, hence the longing.

We have always longed for heaven, for a day when we are in perfect relationship with God, there is no more sin, guilt, and shame, and we will be completely happy for all eternity. We long for that greater vintage wine. Well, now that the fruit of our love, Cate, has become a part of that finer wine and in my humble opinion making it all the sweeter, now we long for it even more. Our prayer is that we can still remember to enjoy the wine, i.e. the life, which we have now, with each other and with our kiddos. That we can accept the lesser wine knowing that there is a greater wine to come and that when we get there our precious Cate will be there waiting with a big smile and couple of glasses. Much Love, The Cantrells

Wood and Nails

2008-10-07T09:04:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all. I just want to start out by thanking everyone, especially our family and friends, who are in our everyday life, not to exclude all you readers in far away lands, but in a way fortunately you only have to read my words of messiness and don’t have to be knee deep in them. Ali and I hit a big wall Saturday evening and it was not a pretty experience and that is putting it lightly. Close friends and family were around and unfortunately they got dragged into the middle of our chaotic grief explosion. Though it actually ended with what will be a fruitful outcome, for the people left in our wake my heart hurts and all I can say to them is, “I ask your forgiveness?” As I met with my counselor last Friday we talked about the messiness and chaos of my life right now. A metaphor came to me to be able to put into words what I feel like and I wanted to share it with you all.

As Hurricane Gustav approached South Louisiana one of my brothers and I shipped our families off to other states and decided to ride out the storm with another close brother of ours and his family. We all stayed at one of their houses for the storm because there were not any big trees threatening to fall and crush the house we were sheltered in. In front of his house, his cousin is in the process of building his home right now and on the side of his new house he is building a large wooden outdoor storage shed. It was all framed up with two by fours but no walls and no roof were put on yet. It was the skeleton of what was to become a really nice outdoor storage shed. My brothers and I looked at the shed and shook our heads because we knew the storm was coming and that there was a really good chance that the frame of this soon to be really nice shed was probably not going to make it through the storm. As the storm’s eye approached us the winds began to blow like nothing I have ever experienced in my adult life. The walls of the house were making cracking noises the cars outside where actually shaking from side to side. I walked to the window and saw that in fact the shed had been blown completely down, not a single board was left standing. It was a pile of jumbled lumber, some broken, some not, nails sticking out everywhere, simply, it was a mess.

I told my counselor that the shed represented my life. I finally felt like I had a vision of where God was leading me and my family long term. I had a great marriage with a wonderful wife, we were setting our eyes on the future. We were about to start a new decade of our lives truly moving into a more “adult” time. We had three beautiful children with plans for one or two more down the road. I was no longer in full time youth ministry so I was being able to spend a lot more time with my family. I was in a job that I not only enjoyed but financially we were doing ok for the first time. I had the best friends a guy could ask for and this group of guys was really moving in a direction of life long friendships.

Our building was getting framed up, the plans were being laid out and we had a skeleton of a great life framed up, knowing that we would continue to add on to it as the years went on. Well, my little family experienced its own hurricane and it has blown our little studded up shed completely down. Ali and I found ourselves standing over the splintered plans, dreams, and visions just starring in disbelief, anger, and sadness. We keep walking around it wondering, “what do we do now?” We don’t have any tools, energy, or expertise to even begin rebuilding, at least not right now. We get so angry that everything that we had worked to build has been lost, we get angry because we really liked that shed and what it was going to become. We could see ourselves in 20 years playing with our grandkids in that shed and now we are realizing that we are going to have build a new and different one.

When people come around to help us take nails out of the boards so we can stack them to get a new plan, we don’t know how to act sometimes. We are so angry that we are even having to do this that we turn on each other and/or whoever is there to help. We know it’s not right, we just can’t control it at times. It is scary to think that the people who want to help the most and who aren’t afraid to come in to the danger zone of broken boards and sharp nails poking out everywhere are the ones who often get the brunt of our anger, through little or no fault of their own. Lately I fear that eventually people will just stop coming around to help us because it is just too messy and too big of a project. The foundation is still there is just hard to see right now because it is covered up with debris from a storm that we never saw coming and had no time to prepare for.

There will come a time in the future, hopefully nearer than farther that we will begin to rebuild this little shed we call our lives. Our vision and our plans will have to be different than they were before. Maybe this time instead of a wooden building we will rebuild a nice strong metal building that will be able to withstand storms that comes our way. I ask that you all, especially those who have shown up to help us in the rebuilding effort be patient with us. We truly and whole heartedly ask forgiveness for the messiness of our life right now, it just is what it is, but I thank you for your continued perseverance and patience. We will rebuild and we will be stronger with God’s grace, strength, and forgiveness. Much Love, The Cantrell’s

Tears are Pain Leaving the Body

2008-10-01T14:01:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! Lately it has been a real emotional rollercoaster for me. I can be completely fine one minute and then pissed off, ashamed, lonely, or sad the next. I am for the most part a pretty passionate guy whether it be passionate about my wife, hey get your minds go out of the gutter, I said passionate ABOUT, not with, I want to keep this blog G rated people. I am passionate about my work, when working I strive to be quick, accurate, and irreplaceable. I am passionate about competition, I don’t care what it is, BRING IT ON, I like to compete and I LOVE to win! My newest passion is fantasy football, you would swear my children were playing each Sunday by the way I get so nervous and loud. When I get to cheering or yelling at the inanimate object I call my TV set Dude and Ella coming running in because they immediately think they have done something wrong. Often times I just find them standing there waiting for me to fuss at them. When I ask, what are you doing? They usually say either, “We don’t know” or “We thought something was wrong.” To which I have to explain to them that daddy’s overpaid football player looks like some third string high school running back who is not quite sure which way down field is apparently. They usually just roll their eyes, give me an, “Awe dad,” because I interrupted their important game of “Extreme Tent Makeover” and scurry back to their important renovations. I am passionate about my God and preaching the Gospel, just ask anyone who has ever had the pleasure of to sitting in the front row of one of my talks. Poor things often have a few drops of spittle on them and have been pulled up on stage to act out an eighth grade dance scene that I am using to elaborate a point in my talk. I am passionate about life, is what I am getting at if you have not caught on yet.

My passion runs deep, wide and in a variety of directions to say the least. These are passions that I have grown to love over time and these are passions that at the same time have also had a large impact on my life in someway and over time have begun to change me or aspects of me. There is one passion though that the moment it entered my life or should I say “they” entered my life, CHANGED me in that very moment. The moment that I became a father and I am not going to get into the whole moment of conception I was a father argument, I know that, but remember guys are visually stimulated. Although I saw my wife stomach getting larger I could not see my child and the one that I saw on the ultrasound machine kinda freaked me out. The moment I laid eyes on Ella, she being our oldest, I was changed, my heart was changed, literally, spiritually and passionately. I was a different man and my heart overflowed with a passionate love for this little child who was “mine.” With each new addition that followed Ella my heart filled with more and more passion, as well as more and more debt, just kidding.

When they noticed in Utero that there was the potential that something might not be developing properly with Cate my passion went into overdrive. My passion to be strength, love, and stability to my wife and family as well as to be a passionate prayer warrior for my unborn daughter was squared to the infinity power. Therefore with Cate there was a different connection with her in Utero that I did not have with the other kids. They were “normal” pregnancies, boy there are two words that should never go together in one sentence, normal and pregnancy, there is not ANYTHING normal about pregnancy, totally speaking from a man’s point of view ladies, I am just a spectator for the most part and only get brought into active participation when I am called upon, yelled at, threatened to within an inch of my life, or at the point in the pregnancy that she can no longer reach her shoe laces and have to tie them for her. So, with Cate for me being the passionate person that I am I was dedicated and intense that Cate was going to make it and that she would be alright. And gratefully she did make it out of Utero, but we all know that her story ended very differently than we all pictured it would. Still to this day I can’t believe at moments that she is not “here” with us anymore, though I know in spirit that she is VERY here with us.

The past few weeks I find myself just welling up with tears to the point the dams, that I call my eyelids just can’t hold back the floodwaters. You know how when it rains real hard, and people say, “Wow, those are big drops!” I don’t know, maybe I just say that, well that is what I feel about my tears, they actually make sounds as they hit my chair they are so big. I am a self admitted crier long before this ever started, you get me watching an episode of Extreme Home Makeover with Ty Pennington and you would swear that he had showed up at my house and redid all that for me. I can sit there and cry and cry over that show, it is quite weird, but that can be a whole other blog. The tears over sweet Cate seem to always be right there behind or below my eyes, wherever tears hang out until they stream down my face. At any given moment they can come out, whether I be walking past the fridge and see her picture or reading an email from someone sharing with me what Cate has done or is presently doing in their life.

As I met with my counselor two weeks ago to journey with me through this grief process I cried almost the whole time we talked. He said you seem like you are in the place you need to be right now. He said if you would have walked in here acted like you had it all together with no problems then I would have been worried, but your not, your hurting, it sucks, it really does, but it is where you have to be right now. There was such validation and permission hidden in his words. All of a sudden a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and it was suddenly ok to just be hurting right now, missing Cate right now, and to not feel the need or rush to be anywhere else as much as anyone in the grief process knows, you want to rush out as fast as you can. I was reflecting this week on how often I find myself crying and I make it sound worse than it is, it is not like I cry all day long, but when you are used to not crying everyday or every other day sometimes you feel like an emotional basket case. But I was reflecting on my tears and for some reason I remembered a poster for the military that I saw one time years ago, the poster said, “Pain, is weakness leaving the body.” As I reflected on those words I thought, you know what it is ok if I cry a little everyday or a lot some days, I am going to let it come out because for me right now, “Tears, are pain leaving my body” and I don’t want to keep that pain bottled up any longer than I have to.

What I have decided is that my passion for Cate I want to remain and this blog allows me to continue to be passionate about her, her short life, the powerful mark that she left on this world and the work that to this day she continues to do in this world. But, as for the pain over the loss of Cate I will let that flow out of my body as the tears fall from my eyes. My God wash me clean of this pain in YOUR healing and perfect time and I ask you to help me not keep it bottled in any longer than I have to. Much Love, The Cantrells

Surprised by Design

2008-09-26T08:43:00.000-07:00

Greeting to all! Man this week has flown by its hard to believe we are up against the weekend again, but I am very grateful for it at the same time. There was nice breeze put back into our sails this week due to an overnight excursion that Ali and I got to take last weekend! Yes, we got to get out of our house and away from our crazy children for a night! It was spectacular, we knew we had a limited amount of time so we chose New Orleans as our destination because it was close. Because we were staying one night I decided to pick a nice hotel for us to stay in. When we arrived at the hotel Saturday around one in the afternoon and I ask the manager what the next room upgrade would cost me. He said, “Sir, it is already taken care of, I have put you in the nicest suite our hotel has, I have gone up and inspected the room myself, I also put a bottle of wine for you and your wife to enjoy.” I literally had to pick my chin up off the counter, I looked at him and said buddy, you don’t know how much that means to my wife and I. We got up to the room and to say the least it was phenomenal next to the bottle of wine there was a handwritten note from the manager welcoming us to the hotel and letting us know that if there was anything less than exceptional to let him know and he would take care of it. WOW! How does God take care of His children uh?

Ali and I partook of New Orleans to the fullest! It was the first time in what feels like a very long time that we just fun together. There was no schedule we had nothing to do so we laughed, we sang along with the bands, I even embarrassed myself by attempting a little Karaoke, with the emphasis being on the word attempt and an even a bigger emphasis on the word embarrassed. We woke up the next morning had breakfast at one of New Orleans local hang outs and then headed home to pick up our kids. After we pick them up, the noise of life returned quickly, but there was a difference in the air. There was a breath-ability about life again, I don’t know how long it will last but I will take it as it comes!

Well, this week made three months since our precious Cate departed this earthly life. The pain, the hurt, the tears, the snot, the anger, and the loneliness all seem so overwhelming at times that we are not sure how you will make it through the day. We all have plans of what our life will look like and we all work very hard to design our lives, our futures, our marriages, our children, our friendships in order to move us in the direction of that plans. When our designs get tossed out the window by this thing we call “life,” it truly puts us into a world wind of confusion, desperation, and even hopelessness. There are plans that we have, though we may never say them out loud, the “in case of emergency” plans, the how we will react plan, what we will do plan, the who will be there plan, the who will do what plan, can often get thrown out of the window because life is not always as we design it, though we think it should be and we try to buffer ourselves as much as possible in order that we may live safely within the lines of our design.

Over this past week I have been reflecting on the people who have pushed through the awkwardness of grief to be close to us, to reach out to us, to take their place in a design that was not mine and probably was not theirs, but God has surprised all of us by HIS design. I have reflected on people who we have never met who have sent cards, gifts, sweet comments, and prayers our way. On people who have left dinner on our doorstep in a Styrofoam ice chest with a pretty red bow rapped around it. People who have called to go run errands, grocery shop, take the kids for the afternoon and I stand in awe of the design that God has been orchestrating through this catastrophe we find ourselves in. To be real honest with you, I think I got so focused on my design and my emergency plan and saying, where is so and so, why aren’t they doing whatever, that I have truly failed to recognize that God has been trying His best to provide for our every need. The other night as I reflected on what “I” thought should be happening and “who” should be doing it, I truly found myself being surprised by God’s design. All the phone calls, emails, comments on the blog, cards came flooding into my mind and God just said I have been trying to provide for you all along.

So, I have decided that my design for my emergency plan may not have been the way that it was supposed to work and that once again I need to sit back and allow God to be God. I need to ask Him to make me more aware of His designs and how they are playing out in our daily life on this road we find ourselves trying to navigate. A good brother of mine has a ministry that is centered the paragraph from the Catechism of the Catholic Church number 2097. The last sentence of this paragraph says “The worship of the one God sets man free from turning in on himself from the slavery of sin and the idolatry of the World.” When we fix our eyes solely on ourselves and our designs and life doesn’t go “our” way our hearts can quickly be filled with jealousy, angry and resentment, but if we can keep our eyes on God and His designs our hearts can remain grateful, joyful, and hopeful. We ask that you pray that we may be aware of and submissive to God’s design as we continue this journey of grief and we thank all of you from the bottom of our hearts for accepting your role in God’s design for our life. May we all continue to be Surprised by Design. Much Love, The Cantrells

And by the way I met with a counselor last week and have another appointment next week thanks for the prayers and keep praying!

Independence vs. Interdependence

2008-09-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

Greetings to All! I know I have been sparatic in my blogs lately and as I drove to work this morning I was questioning myself as to why I have not written. First and foremost I want to thank all of you who responded to the “Quiet Loneliness” blog with your comments and prayers. We even got a card of support in the mail signed a “Loyal Reader” which Ali and I thought was very sweet. It has been very difficult for me lately and I have been trying to process my thoughts and feelings but I keep coming to a dead end, therefore I feel I have nothing to share or to write for that matter.

Ali and I started a class called “Financial Peace University” by Dave Ramsey last week. It is a once a week class for thirteen weeks. As I sat in the class last night one of the questions we had to answer in small group was, “When you are tired and stressed how does that effect your financial decision making?” When I read that question it was as if it jumped off the page at me, but not in the financial sense. It got me thinking about how I feel and what decisions I make and have made when I am tired and stressed and especially in regard to the past three months, by the way this past Saturday made three month since Cate’s surgery day, hard to believe uh. I have been coming to realize that I have gotten to the point of being so tired and stressed that I just do not care anymore. I don’t care about anything but not in the sense of I want to die or anything, but I just don’t care. Nothing really seems that important to me, until it frustrates me and then I just go off the deep end.

The only thing I seem to care about or the only thing that fills my heart and mind lately is that Cate is not with us anymore and I miss her so much that my heart just seems to be consumed with her and the grief of the loss of her. Even yesterday as I drove back from the area I have been working in, which is about a three hour drive I started thinking about the hospital staff that took such good care of Cate and how I wish there was some way that we could show them our appreciation. All of a sudden I was taken back to her hospital room, the beeps, the hustle, the looks on the staff's faces as hope for her recovery dwindled away and of our sweet Cate just laying there lifeless. Right then every bit of pain, hurt, and sadness flooded my heart and from that moment on and the rest of my day went to crap. I got home, I was ugly to and impatient with Ali not to mention completely non-compliant with anything she said or did. As we drove to our meeting I asked her questions that were just looking to pick a fight so I could blow up and get what was inside of me out of me out, but of course Ali being the virtuous wife that she is mostly likely saw through my childish attempts and did not play into my game. Even as I was doing it I was questioning myself, “Charlie, what are doing? You are acting like you did ten years ago," but did that stop me no of course not I charged on in my efforts to spark an arguement anyway. Which proved to be futile because I am married to such a wonderful woman. So, I spent the remainder of the night in quiet and at times not so quiet desperation for release.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am a rather stubborn guy, I am a pull yourself up by your boot straps, either you make it for yourself or nobodies going to do it for you kinda guy. This has kind of been my mindset through this grief process. If I just keep walking even when I am not sure where I am going, just keep walking and eventually I will get on the right path. All the while, I also feel, and my wife may disagree with this, that I have been so focused on her and the kids and their process and what direction they are going in, that honestly I have not thought too much about how I feel or my own journey of grief, which right now isn’t much of a journey at all, more of a stale mate that looks like grief and I bashing into each other over and over. Therefore when I allow myself to finally “feel” is comes out in a burst tears that lasts for twenty minutes and then I dry my eyes and say, ok, enough of that you have got to pull yourself up and get yourself together for the sake of your family!

So, as of today I have not pursued any real “help” on this journey and as I type that I realize how silly that sounds. Well, as I drove to work this morning I realized my way isn’t working. It is not working for me, it is not working for my marriage, and it is not working for my family. I need help and I have to be proactive in finding it and I need to find it now. I don’t want to be ten years down the road still feeling like I feel right now, hell I don’t want to be one year down the road and feel like I feel right now. No matter how much I try to convinced myself that “time will heal,” which it will, but I think time and good direction are the necessary tools, if you will, that I need to walk this painful path in a positive and lasting way.

So, for all of you still out there, this is my prayer request for you all. That Ali and I, individually and as a couple, can find the right person/people to journey with us through this process of grief. God has revealed to my heart, yet again, that I am not as independent as I think I am, but that in fact, I am interdependent and if I am to begin the process of healing that I need to allow Him to guide me out of the miscontrude independence that I cling to and move towards a healing and holy interdependence. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. Much Love, The Cantells

Quiet Loneliness

2008-09-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! Well we survived Gustav with no problems at all, thank God and now our eyes turn to Hurricane Ike. Dude had his tonsils out the Thursday before the hurricane hit Louisiana and I think for our little family that was worse than the hurricane! He is getting better every day, hopefully now that he is back in school he will have some good distraction, but please keep his recovery in your prayers.

I know that it has been a while since I have written and it is mainly because my thoughts and feelings are so jumbled up that it is hard for me to focus on anything. Ali and I sat outside last night and were talking about the blog. I was telling her that I just do not know what to write or what I want to write could come across in a way that could be offensive to some people. I am going to do my best to explain to you all where Ali and I find ourselves on this journey of grief so that we can ask you to pray for and support us in this specific way.

Over the last few weeks the feeling of loneliness has invaded Ali and I’s life. The road of grief after losing a child is one that we so often feel that we are walking alone. Although we know people are out there willing and or wanting to help, it is almost that we feel secluded and isolated. We have become, “those people” who are sheilded away from and at times it feels, and I use the word FEELS like we are forgotten about. This feeling can range from our family to close friends to anyone else that we want to feel frustrated with because WE feel alone. We are trying our best to work through our grief but as Ali said the other night, “it is crippling.” Now, couple that with having to take care of a four year old and a three year old, who even last night asked why their sister had to leave and if they were going to go to heaven soon, trying to maintain some type of marital bliss, which bliss occurs less frequently than heartache and hurt, and then to get up and go to work, which at often times feels so unimportant. And when the weekend finally comes, there is no relief, we are isolated from our friends because a lot of them have babies or about to have babies, we don’t hear from some people anymore, or when they call, it’s not at a time that we feel like talking, so we don’t answer. The comment I have gotten from the few people I have shared these feelings with is, “when people don’t know what to say, they don’t say anything.” This maybe true and maybe the case but we still desire to hear from people, whether it is a card simply saying, “Love you and praying for you,” a text message saying, “your not forgotten,” someone dropping dinner off at our doorstep,” a call saying, “hey, I am coming over to pick up your kids so you and you can have some time with just the two of you” these small acts help us to feel not so alone and give us the encouragement, time, and ability to continue on and to most importantly focus on healing. It just feels like at times everyone else’s life has gone back to “normal” and we are still here left trudging through the misery and grief of the loss of our sweet Cate.

It is been very difficult because we don’t always want to “talk” because we don’t know what we are even feeling so when people do call that we have not talk to in a couple of weeks, months, or years and ask us how we are doing? We don’t even have the energy to answer them or even pick up the phone. We often feel like a damper on any joyful situation we walk into because we are wondering if our very presence makes people uncomfortable as you watch faces of joy turn to this sympathetic look of, “Oh the poor Cantrell’s.” It really is a terrible feeling, so instead of trying to hang out with people, Ali and I just hang out with each other, which I know for both of us, has gotten old after almost three months. I watch my beautiful wife struggle quietly through this heartbreaking journey and I often think to myself, where is "so and so," why haven’t they reached out. The struggle of being resentful is very difficult because we know that people’s lives must go on. We know that we are not the center of the universe, but we are a couple who needs the people who are closest to us to be here right now and we continue to be surprised by how alone we feel on a day in and day out basis.

I have not wanted to post this because I fear like it could come across as a “need” for attention, food, or child care and that isn't the intention. Yet, at the same time Ali and both feel like we want and need you all to know where we are at so that you can pray for us in that place. Ali said just last night that she has been putting feelings down on paper but was not sure if she was going to post it because, “it’s down right depressing.” We are standing at the foot of the cross and are asking that you lean with your hands on our backs supporting us as we walk this journey of grief. We love you, we are offering this time in thanksgiving for you, and I sincerely hope that these words may be encouraging or enlightening rather than offending. Pray for us…we need each and every one of you. Much Love, The Cantrell’s

Hurricane Gustav

2008-08-31T14:01:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! I am sending this message from my buddy's house. We all had to get the heck out of dodge due to Hurricane Gustav! I sent my family to Houston and I am about 30 miles north of my house. We have huge oak trees in front of our house and the hurricane is going to pass almost right over us. I just wanted to ask everyone to please pray for all of us here in Louisiana, for our saftey and that the damage that Gustav brings in minimal. The storm is coming through tomorrow around 8:00pm. As soon as the power is back up and we have assessed the damages I will let you all know how we are doing. Also, please pray for Dude, he had his tonsils out last Thursday and poor thing is not feeling well, spent 9 hours in the car yesterday, and got very little sleep. Thanks for all the prayers in advance and will update you again soon. Much Love, The Cantrells

We are still here

2008-08-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! If anyone is still out there checking We are still here. I ask for prayers I have been in a very difficult spot in my grief. I wrote a blog yesterday but i believe it might come across the wrong way so i did not post it and I am really praying about how God wants to relay what is in my heart. If yall are still out there, its coming, please please please pray for Ali and me, its been rough. Blog coming soon.

What Words Do You Hear?

2008-08-21T12:09:00.001-07:00

John 21: 14-17
This was now the third time Jesus was revealed to his disciples after being raised from the dead.
When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?" He said to him, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." He said to him, "Feed my lambs." He then said to him a second time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" He said to him, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." He said to him, "Tend my sheep." He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" Peter was distressed that he had said to him a third time, "Do you love me?" and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you." (Jesus) said to him, "Feed my sheep.

Greetings to all! Well before I get into what feel like God is putting on my heart today I wanted to take a second just to thank all of you for your continued prayerful support of our family. We are very much leaning into it right now and want you all to know that it is truly working. We are hanging in there, fighting the good fight, and trying our best to love each other with all that we have and are. I shared a story with Ali that one of the readers had emailed me about a real connection her five year old daughter has with Baby Cate and immediately Ali burst into tears, I was like OH GREAT, Good job Charlie!, but actually she said, that is her high point of the day! We share high points a dinner every night with our kiddos and that precious story help lighten the load of grief for Ali, so thank you all very much for you stories of how God is still using our sweet Cate to move in your lives.

As I sat in Mass today listening to the reading I was very moved by how gentle our God is. Here is Jesus sitting, I would imagine almost face to face with Simon Peter, the same Simon Peter who had denied Him publicly three times just days earlier. The same Simon Peter who not only denied him, but was no where to be seen, at least not openly anyway during Jesus’ crucifixion. This had been one of Jesus’ closest Apostles during His whole public ministry and Peter just bailed that sinking ship as quickly as He could. Jesus, in the most loving gentle way calls Peter back into relationship with Him. But, notice how Jesus does it. It is not forceful, it is not derogatory, it is not degrading, or humiliating, in fact all Jesus does is ask Him a series of questions.

Well, let’s be honest, Jesus asks the SAME question three times, “Simon, son of John, Do you love me?” Did you really hear that? Read that again and allow those words to sink into your heart. “Do you love me?” I love it! There are a million questions that Jesus could of asked, like; What in the Hell where you thinking? Do I mean that little to you? Are you that chicken? Do you feel bad about that decision? Are you sorry? But Jesus doesn’t, because those questions never entered his mind or heart, Jesus KNEW how much Peter was hurting, how ashamed and sorrowful he felt, He knew that those questions would not empower Peter, but cripple him. So what does Jesus ask Him, “Do you love me?” You can almost hear the gentle and healing words filling your ears and overflowing your heart. Our God does not get caught up in the past for He looks to what lies ahead for us, just to steal St. Paul’s words and as the Psalmist says in Psalm 103:12, “As far as the east is from the west, so far have our sins been removed from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on the faithful.

Now thinking about those powerful words I have to be honest when I fail miserably as a husband and father. When I selfishly choose my way over God's way to serve my wife and children or when I run from the commitment I have made to be a husband and a father, those are not the words I hear. Especially in this time of mourning often it is easier to just worry about me, then to worry about Ali, Ella, and Dude and sometimes that is what I choose to do to be honest and the words that I hear are not, “Charlie, son of Chuck, do you love?” The questions I get usually start with YOU and the followed by one of these adjectives idiot, moron, loser, self-absorbed jerk, and then end with one of these questions, are you happy now?
Do you really feel good about that? Is that what “holy” dad’s do?

After listening to the Gospel today I got to thinking, who am I listening to? That is not what I hear when I turn my back on Jesus. Ah, yes, what a perfect opportunity for the evil one to kick you while you are down, so you stay down, but what does our God do when we are down? He comes oh so gently to bring us back in to the fold and He does it with the most compassionate and understanding demeanor. How blessed we are to have a God who loves us like that and who runs to meet us, like the prodigal father. In those times that we turn our back on our God, our spouse, our children, our family, our friends and those sharp words of condemnation come flying at our face may we take refuge in the shadow of His wing and listen very carefully for the beautiful words, “Charlie, Do you love me?” You can fill your name in there where mine is, I don’t think God would ask you that question with my name in it that would just be a little awkward. It would be like my grandmother who, bless her heart, could not remember my name so she could just call me random cousins and/or uncles until she go it right. Anyway, may we all keep praying for that we can be gentle with ourselves as God is gentle with us. Much Love, The Cantrells

Follow His Steps

2008-08-19T06:34:00.001-07:00

Matthew 10: 16-19
A young man approached Jesus and said, “Teacher, what good must I do to gain eternal life?” He answered him, “Why do you ask me about the good? There is only One who is good. If you wish to enter into life, keep the commandments.” He asked him, “Which ones?” And Jesus replied, “You shall not kill; you shall not commit adultery; you shall not steal; you shall not bear false witness; honor your father and your mother; and you shall love your neighbor as yourself.” The young man said to him, “All of these I have observed. What do I still lack?” Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this statement, he went away sad, for he had many possessions.

Greetings to all! I heard these words and the priest’s homily today and it got me thinking about this whole grieving process. It is not quick and it is not easy by any means. This past Saturday and Sunday were particular rough on Ali. She came back inside Sunday afternoon after having some quiet time outside and she began to apologize for the way that she had been acting and proceeded to tell me how much she appreciated me. I stopped her, mainly because they were all vicious lies, just kidding, and said, Baby, you do not need to apologize, I do not need you to “be” anywhere or “do” anything else.

One of the difficult aspects of grief is that you want to hurry it up, get through it, and get over it. There are a lot of books out there on grief, there are a lot of support groups for those people who are going through the grief process, and there are a lot of ministry groups for people going through loss. Now, do not take me the wrong way, I believe that all of these are good in their own right. But I know for me that I am often tempted to “do” something, rather than “be” something. We live in a world that has the cure for everything, the ten steps to this, the five steps to that, and all of them require us, “doing” something. So often I find myself doing these things, following these steps and at the end I still feel like the young man in the Gospel, still looking. I think that is the case for faith that we often find ourselves in. Our world has become so “climb the corporate ladder” oriented that we begin to place those ideas on to all aspects of our life, even our faith, or in the case of Ali and I the journey of grief.

The young man in the Gospel today wants to know what he can “do” to gain eternal life. Jesus’ final words to the young man are, “Then come, follow me.” I think that we can get everything backwards so often. I think that if we can start by following Jesus, all the “to do’s” will come in to clear view. I think that if we can put all of our books down that are telling us how to live our lives and start just spending time with our God then we will know with confidence what book we need to pick up. If we can simplify our lives of the multitude of ministries that we can get ourselves so wrapped up in that we forget why we are doing in them in the first place and start to really looking to our Creator, then we can begin to realize what ministries will best fit us, ministries where our gifts and talents will be best utilized, and/or what specific needs we have in our lives, i.e. grief support groups, for Ali and I. There was this reporter that once asked Mother Theresa of Calcutta, “What do you do in Adoration?” Regarding the time she spent before the Eucharist. She simply answered, “I look at Him, and He looks at me.” And I do not know what you think, but I think she sure was on the right path.

(Ok…Ali’s Sidebar commentary….
After reading Charlie’s analogy on the “young man,” I realized that I never notice Jesus’ final invitation to …come follow me. I have always hung on to…”go, sell all of your possession and give to the poor.” Um, excuse me…my bank account is not padded and I often feel like I am the “poor,” not to mention I am TOTALLY vain and even in my “poor-ness” I still like to buy shoes. But to follow Jesus in the day in and day outs is do-able (most days). If I can march in my payless pumps and still follow Jesus, then I guess I will turn my attention to “being” with Jesus in this grief and to stop trying to “do & accomplish” the next stage of this process. Pray for us, as we pray in thanksgiving for you, that we can “be” with Jesus and rest in His grace. love to you all, Ali )

We want to commit today to following our God in this grief process as well as every aspect of our life. I know that He will lead all of us down the road that will have lasting results. I know that it may not be a quick fix, but it will be a lasting one. I know that if there is a book to read or a group to join that He will put it on our hearts strongly that this is where we belong. When I was talking to my buddy who is giving me some guidance on writing our book, he said, “Instead of putting our energy in a lot of different directions, let’s find a good direction, and put a lot of energy into that one. I like that idea, I’ve got a wonderful Counselor in Christ, I am going to put a lot of energy into Him and I know that He will lead me in the right direction. I pray that we all stop trying to climb the corporate ladder of faith and start listening to the CEO’s directions because they seem pretty clear to me, “Come follow me.” Much Love, The Cantrells

P.S. We uploaded some new picutres of Ella and Dude and their first day of school as well as our trip to The Games of Acadiana to check them out go to www.flickr.com/photos/cantrellkids

A One Winged Butterfly

2008-08-17T18:13:00.000-07:00

Greetings to All! As I sit at our breakfast table on this lazy Sunday morning listening to the kids play their imaginary games my heart is a little heavy, not bad just a little. Ali had said this morning that the past few days had been tough on her. I could tell that something was bothering her, but I tend to think that I have done something to upset, offend, or bother her instead of remembering that we lost our daughter less than two months ago. It’s that whole “movie thing” that I live in. This week was A LOT better than last week, it just seemed to go a little smoother. We had another milestone, the 13th came and left pretty quietly. It’s hard to believe that it has already been two months since Cate’s surgery and the heart wrenching grace-filled days that followed.

Our pediatrician called last week with the results of Cate's autopsy. This kind of brought back up a lot of memories and emotions. There is a series of the questions you ask yourself when you lose a child. Did I do enough? Did I make the right decisions? Is there more that I could have done? These questions haunt the recesses of your mind and heart. In those dark moments of grief they seem to come up more poignantly. Of course these were the questions that I did not want to ask, but I knew that I had to. Dr. Mark went on to explain that everything surgically look great, and that he had even called a profusionist friend of his to ask about how they continue to give the heart oxygen during surgery because he wanted to more fully understand this process of Cate’s surgery. After the surgery the surgeon told us himself, that he was unhappy with the amount of “clamp time” that they had to do in order to get Cate’s heart surgically corrected. Dr. Mark went on to say that he truly believes that it was the amount of clamp time that was the downfall of Cate’s heart. He said that he truly believes that the right side of Cate’s heart died that day of surgery.

I asked him why we did not see the complexities of Cate’s heart before and were there any procedures that we could have done before the surgery that would have enable us to see the complexity of Cate’s heart. If Cate’s heart was SO complex why was she not having “Tet spells?” This is where babies turn blue because of the lack of oxygen in their blood. He said, Charlie, I don’t know why Cate appeared to everyone to be so healthy. Even, the night before her surgery we went to Dr. Mark’s house so that he could give her a “once over” to make sure she was ready for surgery. He thoroughly checked her out and told Ali, “She looks great, yall go have that surgery and come on back home.” He said that after reading the autopsy he just can’t understand how Cate was not much sicker that she appeared to be to everyone.

Although it is difficult losing a child, Cate was such a joy. Our memories are filled with joyful moments of laughter and love. She was truly our most joyful baby, all of our children are joyful, but Cate was just different as a baby. The memories that we have are ones of a smiling, healthy, beautiful baby girl and for that I am so grateful. We did not have to watch our child suffer for seven months, we got to watch her live life to the very fullest a seven month old can. I smile even as I type this just thinking of Cate’s joyful presence. This is what I miss the most and what pains my heart to tears at time. I remember one night in the hospital, at Texas Children’s, as I sat at her bedside crying my eyes out, one of the profusionist left his machine and came and sat beside me and just put his hand on my leg. He just sat there, he did not say a word, he just sat there with me. As I went to walk out of the room he put his hand on my shoulder and he said, “I lost my son fourteen years ago, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. She will be with you forever whether you leave here with her or without her.” How true those words are, I do feel that she is always with me. As I have told you all before I feel her presence very strongly at mass. The other day I was at mass and I quickly noticed that her presence was not there with me. I know that may sound a little crazy but I was very aware that her sweet spirit was not around. As soon as I noticed that she was not there with me, I heard her voice in my heart say, “Sorry dad, God has me working on something right now, see you soon.” And sure enough the next time I was at mass, she was back there with me. It was really a very neat experience.

Since Cate’s death butterflies have been a real connection to Cate for Ali. People who lose children or loved ones will often have something that reveals the love one’s presence or a connection of some sort. For Ali’s family their connection to Phil, the brother that she lost, is dimes and rainbows. We have jars full of dimes and their car ashtrays are full of dimes. It’s just a connection that they have with him. For Ali and Cate, its butterflies. Ali and I were talking on the balcony the other night about my conversation with Dr. Mark. I was relaying the information that Dr. Mark had given me and I was specifically telling her about how Dr. Mark said that he believed that the right side of Cate’s heart had most likely died the day of surgery. She smiled and said you know what? “I was talking to one of my students today and a butterfly went fluttering by. I was telling her how butterflies were very special to me. The student then responded, ‘You know Ms. Cantrell, a butterfly can live for 12- 14 days with only one wing.’” Now, we don’t know if this is actually true or not, and if its not, don’t tell us, per Ali’s request. It’s just another connection to our sweet Cate and the beautiful reality that her life and the grace filled days that followed her surgery. Her short yet beautiful life touched our family and so many others so deeply, just as butterflies can brighten our day with beauty and grace as they flutter by us for a brief moment.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, cards, and support. They are so very appreciated Ali and I were talking just the other night about how blessed we feel by those people who have not forgotten about us, now that the “hype” of Baby Cate is over, so again thank you. A prayer request, we are beginning the process of getting the blogs turned into a book because of the overwhelming request we have had. This is much more emotional for me than I had anticipated. Going back and re-reading the blogs during those days is difficult, but I want to do it while they are fresh on my mind. Please pray for good discernment of what goes in and what does not go in and that we find a publisher that is a perfect fit for us. Also, after re-reading the blogs from when we were in Houston, I want to thank you for interpreting my jiber jabber at times, WOW, there was some terrible grammatical things going on there. And last but not least if you still are wanting a Baby Cate prayer card but have not wanted to ask, go ahead, ask! It honors us to know that you want to pray for our family and to ask our precious Cate to pray for you. So again, if you want one just drop me your mailing address to catecantrell@gmail.com . You all really do mean the world to us and we appreciate you staying with us, Please keep praying for us! Much Love, The Cantrells

Taking the Underwear Off Our Head

2008-08-12T14:03:00.001-07:00

Matthew 18:1-5
The disciples approached Jesus and said, “Who is the greatest in the Kingdom of heaven?” He called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the Kingdom of heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the Kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me.

Greetings to all! This was part of the Gospel reading today at Mass and it is one that I have heard countless times over the years. What typically happens when I am very familiar with a particular Gospel reading is that my mind immediately goes to, yeah yeah, yeah, be innocent, be pure, be simple I know this old dog and pony show. And sure enough the priest went on in his homily to say that yes we are supposed to be innocent like little children and I was like see, I have heard this one before, but then, he through a curve ball at me. He said we also need to be dependent and trust in our Heavenly Father, just as children are dependent and trust of their earthly parents.

That got my mind thinking about Ella, Dude, and yes even Cate. Although Ella believes, at the ripe old age of four that she is capable of doing just about everything on her own, unbenouced to herself she cannot. She still needs someone to cook her food, put her to bed at a reasonable hour, which last night was a daddy night, so they got to stay up later watching cartoons and eating sugar candy because mommy was not home. Dude, needs some one to help him put his Spiderman undies back on, that boy can get them off faster than lighting and usually in places that I would prefer him keep them on his little body, like my mother-in-law’s front yard where he decided it was a good place to pee because he saw the dog peeing in the front yard. Cate needed someone to change her poopy diapers and to hold her bottle while she ate. All three of them are and were dependent on their mommy and daddy to take care of their everyday needs. They have complete trust that if they are hungry, they will be feed. If they can’t get their underwear off their head and back on their bottoms, that there will be someone there to help them. If their leotard is stuck on their face that mommy or daddy knows the trick to get it off. They place all of the trust in us and for the most part we don’t let them down, because we love them, we care for them, and we want the best for them and underwear stuck on their face in their Nana’s front yard is not necessarily the best for them or the son-in-law, which happens to be me.

After that train of thought had left the station, I was reminded of the scripture verse Matthew 6:30, “If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you.” In these troubling times that we find ourselves this is where our dependence and trust must rise to the top of our hearts. We must willingly and frequently fling ourselves into the loving and guiding hands of our Heavenly Father. Those times when life feels like it pulls our underpants over our face and we can’t see and we can’t get them off, God is right there trying to help us to get them off and so often we, like my four year daughter, just keep telling Him, “No, I can do it myself,” and He patiently asks, “Will you let me help?”

I spoke to a good buddy of mine on the phone this morning and he asked the question, “What is the one thing that you feel like is pulling you through this time?” I said, well, it’s actually two things. First, it’s Daily Mass and the Eucharist, as often as I can get there. When I am going to daily Mass and receiving the Eucharist things stay in perspective and I feel as though I have the strength to continue on. When life gets “busy” and I “can’t” make it to Mass, is when I start losing hope and losing my focus of who is really guiding me through this. I start thinking “I” have to get the underwear off my head myself, instead of just trusting and accepting the help that God is trying to give me. Secondly, I continue to invite God into these emotions and moments of real heartache. Over the past year I have begun to work on some inner healing prayer with my spiritual director. The premise of this type of prayer is that attached to every memory is an emotion and as time goes on whenever that memory is triggered you experience that emotion again. Through inner healing prayer you invite or ask God to take you back into your heart and into certain memories where you felt like He wasn’t there and to show you that He was in fact there. This process allows those old memories and emotions associated with those memories to begin to be healed and you do not have to continue living out of the past hurts. I know this may sound a little crazy and I was skeptical at first big time, but God has really rocked my heart over the past year and given me a lot of freedom. So, what I told my buddy was either I invite God in now and let Him reveal Himself to me and show me that He is here with me or I am going to live the next twenty years out of abandonment, hurt, and anger, because I think, “God didn’t show up.”

What I am getting at is the more that we can depend on God and trust that He will show up, the more that we can live freely and enjoy our lives that He gives us here on earth. Have you ever just sat and watched little kids play? They have no worries, you know why? Because they ultimately trust that they are being watched, guarded, and protected by the eye of their parents or people that their parents know and trust. My prayer is that during this process of grieving that we as a family can continue to learn to depend and trust that God is going to be with us, comforting us, guiding us, and ultimately healing us, even if we can’t get our underwear off our head, He knows the trick. I ask that you pray that our dependence and trust might increase, that we stop looking to ourselves or to things of this world and start looking to our Heavenly Father who knows exactly what we need. Much Love, The Cantrells

Dirt Filled Nails

2008-08-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! Ok guys I wish today I had some pretty flowery words to give you all, but I don’t. I just wanted to share my heart and where it finds itself over the past week. I have not written lately because honestly the messiness of grief has just overcome me and I have found it difficult to put into words or have the energy to sit down and write a blog, not to mention work got kind of crazy at the end of last week.

I feel as thought I have been struggling to keep my head above the water lately. I feel like there is a true and real battle raging in and for my heart. I am not giving in by any means, but at the moment I feel like my fingernails are full of dirt as I do my best to cling to hill the of the cross. Last week was probably the hardest week so far in this journey of grieving. There were two days that I sat at my desk and cried for most of the day. I cried over the fact that I miss Cate so much and I cried over the fact that I have REALLY been stinking it up as a husband and a father. I had my guys group last Thursday evening, which I have every other Thursday night. It is a sacred time for me and the men that sit at that table are sacred to my heart. They are they one’s that no me inside and out and have my back no matter how ugly life gets. We get together and play cards and whenever someone is ready to talk about what is going on in their heart we all just put our cards down and listen. We had been playing for a while when out of the blue one of my brothers just flat out asked me, “Ok, Charlie, seriously, How are you really doing brother?” I lost it right there, the tears came streaming down my face and I just shared with them for what felt like thirty minutes all the miseries that my heart is experiencing right now and they just listened, no one offered advice, no one tried to compare my suffering to what they are going through, the biggest brother, who sits at our table got up came behind me and wrapped his big burly arm around my neck tightly and just said, We love you man, and we are here for you. They then talked about how they didn’t know how I was doing it and didn’t know how they could do it if they were in my situation. Those where all nice words and good to hear but the truth is I feel like I am sucking it up big time right now and my heart is breaking even more because of it. I always try to do whatever I do the best I can and attempt to be great in whatever situation life brings my way. This particular situation just feels so much bigger than me. It feels at times and at the same time most of the time like I can’t even breathe because I feel like such am stinking things us so bad and I do not even know where to start to stop stinking it up.

As some of you may have heard Steven Curtis Chapman, a very popular Christian musician, lost his 5 year old daughter Maria in May in a very tragic accident. He and his wife were on Good Morning America the other day and a friend sent me a link to the interview. Although our situations are totally different and I have no idea what they are going through I saw a similarity in the way that he and his wife are handling their loss to how Ali and I are handling it. He seemed to be the strength, the one directing his family in Hope while in the public eye and his wife Mary Beth was so honest and beautiful and said, “I don’t care whose lives are touched or whose lives are changed by this story, at the heart of a Mom, I want Maria back.” These words just struck me to the very core and confirmed even more concretely that Ali’s heart just wants Cate back and there is nothing that I can do, nothing I can write, nothing on this earth that will change this. I have been so short with Ali lately, it doesn’t matter what she does, I get frustrated and yet I too feel like I can’t do anything right either. I find myself being very selfish, instead of generous, impatient, instead of patient, and harsh, instead of gentle. Then when I am finished being all of these things, usually within a period of five minutes I am frustrated with myself because of it, but it feels almost impossible to be anything else.

As interview went on they talked to Steven and Mary Beth’s three older children and their oldest Emily said, “Grief is this windy road I feel like sometimes you turn a corner and you’ve got a straight away and its beautiful and then you can turn a corner at the end of that straight away and its thunderstorms and mountains and it can be hard and even within the same day.” I think that young lady is wise beyond her years I feel like our lives right now are like those road signs that you see in the mountains that have a wavy line with an arrow on the top pointing up. I just feel like there are a lot of corners that we must go through before we get to where that arrow is point, up. Right now it does not feel like there are many straight aways and that is what I am finding that very difficult. There just seems to be no rest for the weary… right now. The other night was a particularly rough night for all of us and I found myself as I was putting the kids to bed lying in bed with Dude and I called Ella over to come lay down with us. I proceeded to apologize and to ask there forgiveness for the brunt that they often bear because we can quickly take out our anger on them. I explained that mommy and daddy were just having a hard time right now and that it was not in anyway their fault and that we were very sorry for the times that we treated them unfairly, to which Ella said, awe dad, we love yall, can I go get back in my bed NOW! Kids! Even last night we were over at the in-laws having dinner to celebrate family birthdays and after a while I just had enough and I felt like if I stayed any longer I was going to unleash a fury of words that would not have benefited anyone so what did I do in all my wisdom? Walked out of the door and walked home.

I am not sure where this particular blog is going, but for me it had to come out, as you know this is my therapy of sorts. I just ask that you continue to diligently pray for us as we continue to grieve the loss of Cate. I know that things will change and I know with confidence that God will heal our broken hearts. It is just the interim that is difficult. So with dirt filled nails that are clinging to foot of the cross we ask that you remain with us. Much Love, The Cantrells

I am attaching the link to the Chapman Family interview if you would like to check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApIQXJqJmAs
You will need to copy and paste this into your address bar at the top of you browser. Please keep the Chapman family in your prayers as well.

Also if anyone would still like a Baby Cate Prayer Card just let me know by emailing me at catecantrell@gmail.com

Mountain Tops

2008-08-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

Greetings to All! As I ate my lunch today I was reading the Mass readings for today and reflecting on the Gospel. Today’s Gospel is from Mt 17:1-9 in which Jesus goes up on the mountain with Peter, James, and John and before their very eyes he is transfigured into all of His Glory and Jesus is conversing with Moses and Elijah. What a sight this must have been for Peter, James and John? The joy they must have felt as right before their eyes they were seeing Jesus in His Glory, not to mention Moses and Elijah were there. It had to be a total confirmation of everything that Jesus had told them and of everything that they had truly placed their faith in. Peter was so excited he did not want to leave nor did he want anyone else to leave. He offered to build tents for all of them and they could stay on the mountain forever.

Isn’t that how we all feel so often? Having been involved with church ministry for a number of years now, I have often used this particular scripture passage while ministering to teenagers, especially after they come back from a retreat or conference. Explaining to them that whatever event they were on and however powerful it might have been, that we cannot stay on the mountain, that our life is not like that all the time. No matter how bad we want to stay on the mountain, although all of us would really like to, life just does not work like that for us either. I believe that God gives us all these mountain top experiences in order to show us His Glory and His Power, and Jesus is our perfect example, yet again and in the words of my wife, “That Jesus, He is so clever!” Jesus Himself shows us that we have the mountain top experiences and they are good and that it is necessary for us to hear from our Father in heaven that, We are His beloved Sons and Daughters, in whom He is well pleased. Isn’t awesome? That even Jesus needed to hear these words and have this experience in order that He might have the strength, courage, and perseverance to come down the mountain and to walk up the hill to Calvary.

For Ali and I our life together has been filled with many mountain top experiences, individually and together as a couple. God has done marvelous things in our lives to show us that we are His beloved Son and Daughter, in whom He is well pleased. There have been real moments where He has revealed Himself, His Power, His Beauty, and His Faithfulness to us and there is part of me that wonders if it is partly because He knew the mountain that we would have to climb with Cate and her death. I firmly believe that these experiences along with our faith are what continue to root us deeply into the heart of God right now. I would think that as Jesus walked the road to Calvary that those words, “This is my Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased” were echoing deep in His Sacred Heart. It was these words that enable him to get up again and again after he fell. Similarly, but on a MUCH smaller scale, I know that this is what is carrying Ali and me right now. We are reminded of the mountain top experiences in our lives where we have truly witnessed for ourselves the power of God before our very own eyes. Since Cate’s death when it is has been difficult and we have had trouble hearing God or being reminded of His faithfulness, We have had our own Simon, who helped Jesus carry his Cross, come into our lives and speak those words of the Father into our hearts that we cannot hear at that moment because the shouts of hurt, angry, and sadness get so loud at times.

I thank you Jesus for not staying on the mountain that day. I thank you for coming down and accepting the will of the Father so that we all might receive Salvation. I pray Lord that you will continue to remind Ali and I of the mountain tops in our lives as we walk in this valley of the shadow of Death. But even more than that I pray that we might not only see You on the mountain but that we might see You even clearer and even nearer as we walk in this valley. May we all follow Christ up the mountain and then follow Him all the way to Calvary. I love you Lord, help me to love you more. Much Love, The Cantrells

Fresh Cut Grass

2008-08-05T07:23:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all. I do not even know where to start this morning. My heart is so cluttered with emotions that it is difficult to sort them all out because it is almost that they bleed into each other. When I asked myself, “What are you feeling today?” Nothing comes up, but that is not the case at all. The truth is I am feeling so much that I find myself just staring off into space wondering when this will all end.

We had a little get away weekend with the family this past weekend and it was nice to not be in the house but as we drove home yesterday afternoon Ali and I got into a “discussion.” It was not a fight, because it is a “discussion” that we have had numerous times over the course of our courtship and marriage, and it usually ends the same way ever time, her sad, me aggravated, but not with each other per say.

I had not cut the grass in over a week and my yard was starting to look like a hay field, so I decided to cut the grass when we got home. Cutting the grass is also a defense mechanism of mine, just to let you in a little secret about Charlie. Being an only child, a boy, and the “man” of the house when I was a kid one of my only duties was to cut the grass. We had this big Magnolia tree in our front yard, which by the way in my opinion Magnolia trees are from the devil because their leaves are so big and thick you cannot cut them with a lawn mower because they are still everywhere in the yard after being cut. Anyway, I used to rack the yard before cutting it, that way I did not have chopped up Magnolia leaves everywhere. Then I would cut the grass, edge the driveway and sidewalks and then sweep up. If I was really feeling dysfunctional I would weed the flowerbed or just completely dig it up, because I was going to “plant a new one.” Why are you telling me your grass cutting techniques, you might be asking yourself? Well, its because when I was a kid, the yard was the only thing I could control. I could not control my parents, I could not control my mother’s drinking, I could not control the creditors calling the house, but I could control the yard. There was an added bonus, it made everything on the outside look nice, symbolic? Completely!

Even to this day when my heart, my family, or my life feels out of control I will cut my grass. When I get finished I will sit in my backyard and look down the lines that I cut and relish in the beauty of order. The order of the lines that I made back and forth as I lined up the wheels of the lawn mower just right. Yesterday I had a little curve to my cutting technique which made me feel like I had some dimension, almost like a hill, in my backyard. After relishing in the fictitious order of my life for a while I went inside where Ali was in the process of bathing the kids. She was pulling them out of the tub and so I sat on the floor and dried there little bodies off and put them in their night clothes. They scurried off down stairs for their night time snack and Ali and I chatted up stairs for a minute while she folded clothes and put them away. She began to share about how overwhelmed she was with school starting this week and being the teacher who people felt the need to tata, for all you non-Louisianans "tata" means to comfort, or people who felt the need to compare some loss in their life to what we are going through. She just wept hard in my arms as I held her. We finished up our conversation and I went downstairs to find the kids contently watching their night time movie so I walked out backdoor and sat on the back step, where I do most of my thinking. I began crying because my heart was so heavy for my wife and kids, my shoulders are tired from bearing as much as I can of their load, but in that moment I prayed that I could take more and at the same time I prayed that God could begin to alleviate some of this heartache. I know that He will, but right now it is just so difficult. In the middle of my crying and praying, Dude swings open the backdoor and puts his arms around my neck and kisses me. He looked at me and asked, Dad, why are you crying? I told him that, “I just miss Cate, buddy” a phrase that they use often. Ella was not far behind him they both came and wrapped their little arms around my neck and hugged me as I cried and then Ella got in Dude’s way so he slapped her in the face and my prayer time was over and I had to then play daddy Doctor.

It is difficult times in the Cantrell house right now, for everyone. Your words of support are encouraging and your prayer is needed. If it looks like at times we are doing so well, it is only because our grass has just been cut if you know what I mean. So, please as I know you are, remain with us. I ask specifically that you pray for Ali as she begins this new school year. I ask that you pray for Ella as she begins Pre-K this year at her new school. I ask that you pray for Dude that as he starts his new school year, without Cate or Ella that it be a good one for him. Finally I ask that you pray for me, that I have the strength and wisdom to continue to carry and guide my family through this difficult time and not just have freshly cut grass. Much Love, The Cantrells

I had to come back and tell you all that after I wrote this blog I opened my facebook account and I kid you not this bible verse was in my inbox, coincidence, I think not!

He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. ... You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.'" (2 Chronicles 20:15,17)

For the Glory

2008-07-31T13:02:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! As I sat down at noon mass today I did not immediately kneel down and pray like everyone else does. I just sat down and began praying then I distracted myself because I began thinking I know people are thinking, “uhm well look at him not praying.” You see in the movie that is going on in my head I am the lead actor and everyone talks about me all the time. And then I thought to myself, you know what St. Ignatius of Loyola like to pray laying on his back. You know there is more than one way to pray and I don’t particularly like kneeling down to pray because it is hard for me to concentrate. Well, wouldn’t you know that today is the feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola. He has always been one of my favorite Saints and I really appreciate and enjoy his style of prayer and his spiritual writing.

When I was attending Franciscan University I was in a Household, which is similar to a Fraternity, just take the keg parties and replace them with praise and worship and you get the picture. The name of the Household I was in was Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam or AMDG for short. This latin phrase translates to All for the Greater Glory of God and is the motto of the Jesuit Religious Order order founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola. What I am getting at here is that St. Ignatius has for a long time held a very special place in my heart and in my spirituality. If you have never heard the story of his conversion it is an amazing one, I will give you the Cliff’s notes version and then you can go read the rest later. Basically, he was this big military hotshot who got shot in the legs with a CANNONBALL, did you hear that? Not shot by a bullet, but a real CANNONBALL! Needless to say he was laid up for months recovering from this awful experience. The only books they had were the bible and the lives of the saints and so he read them just to do it. Well, needless to say God moved in his heart in a very powerful way and St. Ignatius became one of the most holy, brilliant, and dedicated followers of Christ.

That got me to thinking in Mass today about the words ALL for the greater glory of God. Not just some of life, but all of life. The good and the bad. The pretty and the ugly. The neatly packaged and the falling out of the box. Ali and I were talking the other night about how so many people, both that we have never met and those very close to us, that God has impacted them through Cate’s short life and our family’s difficult journey and what is also amazing is that you all are STILL here with us. I truly thought that after Cate’s passing the story would “end” for a lot of people, but it hasn’t. Many of you have sent beautiful emails sharing very intimate parts of your own journey with Ali and I. You have shared how God has moved in your hearts in some VERY powerful ways. Some of you have made life changing decisions and some of you God has really renewed your faith, your prayer life, and your family life. We miss Cate, do not get me wrong, there are not many minutes that go by in a day where my thoughts do not turn to her and her absence, but what I told Ali the other night was that a quote from St. Therese of Lisieux has been stuck in my head when my thoughts turn to Cate. St. Therese said, “I will spend my Heaven doing good upon earth” and I truly believe that this is what Cate is doing and will continue to do. God is using ALL for His greater Glory, even Cate's death and the mourning that our family is having to endure. Just as He used the aweful situation that St. Ignatius found himself in after being shot with a Cannonball for His greater Glory, so too is He using this aweful situation that our little family finds itself in for His greater glory.

There is a song that many of you have left the lyrics to as a comment on the blog by the group Mercy Me. The name of the song is “Bring the Rain” and in the chorus of the song they say, “Bring me anything that brings You glory, And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain.” Our family will continue to strive to give God ALL the Glory in ALL situations, and so Lord if that is what it takes to praise you, then Bring the Rain! We love you all and ask that you remain with us, and we thank you for continuing to standing by us through rain. May we all strive to live for the greater Glory of God. St. Ignatius…Pray for us!

Much Love, The Cantrells

If any of you out there still want prayer cards we still have some left. We have sent out a lot but we still have some left and if you want one we want you to have one! Just send me your mailing address to catecantrell@gmail.com and don’t worry I will not start sending you junk mail:)

"Need a Minute?"

2008-07-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! This is a tough one to start because I feel like I am really putting our hearts out there, but I need to write about it because this is kind of like my therapy. I also ask that there be no “advice” left in the comments this is just my feelings today ,words of support are fine just no advice please. I would normally not ask this but that is just how very close to my heart that is this.

Ali and I had a WONDERFUL evening last night we sat on our balcony and just talked for hours. We covered an array of topics from budgets, to work, to the kids school and of course our precious Cate. I had gone back inside to check on the kids and then came back outside to meet Ali. As I sat down she had “that look” on her face. The look that every man knows, “Oh no, here it comes!” We do not usually know what “it” is but we know that it is going to be big and so we clinch our teeth real hard and wait for the question that ALWAYS follows, “Can I ask you a question?” We are trapped, there is no other response than “yes” and this is how quickly a woman can back us simple creatures, men, into a corner so there is no way out. It is like that Twix commercial where the guy is shoving both candy bars into his mouth at the same time and the announcer says, “Need a minute?” That is exactly how guys feel and you ladies do it with such easy and beauty that we are obliged to listen to the question that is about to bring up some kind of emotion inside of us. We do not know what that emotion is going to be so we nod our head in painful surrender in the yes motion and wait.

Finally after what felt like an eternity she asked, “Are we done having children?” It was like a cannonball hit me dead in the chest. The question that has loomed in my heart since all of this began. It is a question that I have asked myself numerous times over the past month, but I sure as heck was not bringing it up, not right now anyway, maybe like it TEN YEARS. I know my wife and I knew that when she was ready to talk about it she would. As the depth of that question penetrated my heart my eyes filled with tears. Ali and I have always been open to children. We had one miscarriage and three kids in five years. That means that Ali was pregnant more than she was not in the first five years we were married. Pregnancy, although unexpected at times, was always a joy for us, well I say “us,” I really did not have to do much during the whole thing, but we love each one of our gifts that our God has given us, even our little Rachel, she was our first that we miscarried. On the anniversary of her passing we go out to breakfast in memory of her and to celebrate the very short time she was with us.

After Cate’s death, things have felt real different, pregnancy feels unimaginably scary. I remember when Ali was pregnant with Ella, God began to reveal to my heart that I was going to experience a new love, one that I had never experienced before, the love of a father and boy did I! I remember seeing each of my children when they were seconds old and LOVING THEM, I mean lay down my life kind of love and I did not even really know them yet. They had not “done” anything to make me love, that fact that they existed provoked love in my heart.

Love is always a risk. It is honestly a crazy reality if you think about it. You put all of yourself out there to be hurt, rejected, and let down, but at the same time you also open yourself to the opportunity to experience real joy, peace, comfort, encouragement, and life. If we do not ever make ourselves vulnerable to love then we will never experience these wonderful realities that spring forth from the act of loving. When Cate died I felt as though a part of my fatherly love was just crush, robbed, and obliterated. If you can remember back to your first “love” and your first break up, do you remember swearing off the opposite sex? Whether it was, Boys are stupid! Who needs them? or Girls are just ridiculous, hanging out with the guys is more fun away. All because you put yourself out there in an act of love, as young as it may have been at the time, and you were hurt, you were let down. As silly as it sounds that is the way I feel RIGHT NOW. I feel hurt, I feel let down and so my reaction is to avoid what hurt me, a baby. I am honestly scared to risk loving again right now. I do not want to try to “replace” Cate and I am scared out of my mind of hurting this bad again. I know that in no way was Ali asking to get pregnant today, tomorrow, or next week, but I know there will come a time when I think she will want to get pregnant again. My stomach is tightening even as I am writing these words, but I know that in time God will heal this hurt and feelings of being let down. I know that in time He will ease the fear of loving again.

After talking to Ali last night I realized that I have to begin to invite God into this specific hurt. That I cannot and will not let there be a wall built that protects this hurt. If I do that then I do not allow God to take me into the middle of that hurt and show me that He is and has been in the middle this pain the entire time. I know that this is what I must do if I am to allow the healing to begin. I believe that there is a new love to be experienced from all of this, just as God revealed to me that I would experience a new love with the birth of Ella. I believe that this pain will birth a new love in my life and so I open my heart, broken as it may be to the Divine Healer and the one who IS Love. Please pray for this specifically for Ali and I for this healing as well as if and when it is time for God to bless our family with another child we are ready, eager, and welcoming. We love you all so very much and continue to ask that you remain with us in prayer. Much Love, The Cantrells

The Long Ride Home

2008-07-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! We just arrived home from a weekend at my sisters’ camp in Mississippi. It was an awesome weekend with family! We just hung out, rode four wheelers, fished, and ate like kings. There has always been something about the woods that sets my heart free. I do not feel trapped by a fence and suburban living. My mind and heart are free to roam where they may. My cell phone was dead and my computer was in my briefcase in my truck, and it was wonderful. No thoughts of work, bills, or anything else that ravages my mind on a daily basis. I thought about Cate often, but they were different thoughts, they were peaceful thoughts. Our families have truly been such a great blessing during this time, they let us talk if we want to talk and they do not ask us, “how we are doing?” They know that if we want to talk about Cate or about our hearts we will.
As we began our drive home my heart began getting heavy. The memories and the pain of Cate’s absence grew stronger. When I was a kid, as I wrote about in a previous blog, my mom and I would fight like cats and dogs mainly over her drinking. It would usually end the same way every time with me slamming something and walking out getting on my bike and riding away. I would just ride for hours, sometimes I would end up at a friend or a family member’s house, or sometimes I would just ride. The whole time I was riding the world was “good,” but when I would turn my bike back towards home I would be filled with all the emotions I had before I left, anger, sadness, and helplessness. It would all come flooding back, filling my heart and soul like a levee break. I have experienced that same occurrence many times over the last year. When I would be at work everything was fine, but when I would turn my truck back towards home all the emotions over Cate, her heart defect, her upcoming surgery would rage in my heart and I usually would arrive home in not the happiest mood. My poor wife, she has to deal with me ALL the time, that girl is going straight to heaven for sure.
This morning as we were driving on the interstate heading back home I felt so sad. I missed Cate, I missed her car seat being in the middle of our other two hooligan’s seats and them talking to her and making her laugh. Oh how Dude could make her laugh, at times he would make her laugh so hard that the rest of us would start laughing too. I knew that we were coming back to a house that was full of her memories that would just fall out like an overstuffed closet when the backdoor opened. I had just had this wonderful weekend with my sisters and brother-in-laws filled with laughter, scrabble, celebrity gossip, stories, and horseshoes, which I am sore from, aint that ridiculous. It was just an amazing weekend and not an hour after leaving I was right back to where I was on Friday before we left, heartbroken and helpless.
It is hard to believe it has been a month since Cate’s passing. It feels like it has been an eternity and a blink of an eye since she filled, or should I say overflowed her baby swing. Reality has set in that is for sure and if you read Ali’s blog then you know of the pain that she is experiencing. Our kids are still hurting, even yesterday sweet little Ella woke from her nap in a rather melancholy mood and of course I do not handle whining well so I was quick to fuss at her about trivial things that she could not do because she can be hard headed like her daddy. She went in the camp and sat in a chair and just cried. I went in to see about her and FINALLY asked what was wrong, to which she looked at me with tear-filled eyes and said, “Daddy, I miss Cate, I didn’t want her to leave us.” My heart was immediately filled with pain as I watch my little girl grieving over the death of her sister. I pulled her close to me and told her that I missed Cate too and I didn’t want her to leave us either. They all are hurting and as I watch and pray ferverently for them and try my best to lighten the cross that they are all carrying I know that this is just part of the process and it is just the road that we must walk right now, but it is a painful one. We are and will be a stronger family because of Cate. We are still and will continue to cling to the Cross of Jesus Christ right now. Someone included a quote of Mother Theresa of Calcutta in a card they sent us and I wanted to share it with you all as right now I find a real comfort in knowing that Christ is very close to us during this painful time. Mother Theresa said, “Pain, sorrow, suffering is but the kiss of Jesus. A sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you. May God give you all the courage to accept your cross with resignation and love in union with the passion of Jesus. God Bless you.” We will accept and embrace this cross knowing that our God loved us enough to lower Himself to become Man and to endure the Cross to pay a debt that humanity could not. We will let Christ kiss us and be close to us right now because we need him more than we need our next breath. Please remain with us in prayer, and know that we love to hear stories of how Cate has impacted your life or how you have used her for an intercessor in Heaven, it truly helps us bear this cross knowing that there is a bigger picture that God is still creating through the loss of Cate. We still have some prayer cards if you would like one please just send us your mailing address to catecantrell@gmail.com. We love you all and pray for you often. Much love, The Cantrells

I also am sad to say that I will be attending the wake tonight for sweet Baby Cooper, he passed away last Wednesday night. I asked Cate to meet him at the gates of heaven and show him around. He and Cate are now causing a ruckus together in Heaven. I am saddened for his parents and his family who now have to walk this road that we are on. I wish this pain on no one. Please pray for his parents and family as the mourn the loss of their precious Cooper.

Life in the Here and Now...A Mother's Heart

2008-07-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

Matter of the heart come easily…however, putting them out there for the world to read is quite a stretch for me. Thanks for listening.

A dear friend, who has recently lost a daughter, shared with me that the grief process is not one of those things that you can check off your list and say…yahoo, I am finished with the anger stage, what is next…she told me that she learned that we won’t get a gold star at the end, and that we will continue to jump back and forth from stage to stage because… well, you never really finish. This grief will continue to be a lifelong process, but she did promise it gets better.

We have heard it before, that “time” will heal you. And to “them...whoever they are” I say that on Thursday it will be a month since Cate died, and “time” is sure taking a long time to show up. Days seem to go on forever, and the tough moments take an eternity to pass. I sit and sob through this soul-shattering experience and wonder what the lessons to be learned will be. And, I am trying to be open to learning them. Charlie asked me the other day if I was praying; he wanted to make sure that I am inviting God into my heart, and to be open to His healing powers and graces. I told him that I really wasn’t praying, and that I was really pissed off at God. I had never been so faithful, I had never been so devoted to prayer, nor had I ever been willing to sacrifice so much for His greater glory…only to feel completely let down. I was quick to tell Charlie that it is so painful to pray, and that I fear that praying right now might actually require even more out of me…and that God would ask even more of us. “I can’t do it,” I told him. With all of the intense anger and grave sadness, it takes all of my physical and emotional energy that I have to just get out of bed in the morning. I told him that often my day of suffering is offered up, and that is really all the praying that I can muster.

It is difficult and trying each day to answer the same questions from Ella & Dude, about “why can’t we see Cate?” and “why do Jesus and Mary get to take care of her?” and “where is heaven…is heaven in the clouds” … AAAHHH! I can hardly understand any of this myself, imagine trying to explain it our children. It gets tough somedays to be available to two kiddos who are struggling to “figure out” their way through this grief. Ella, in her sorrow, cries often and wants to spend countless hours at the cemetery coloring with chalk on Cate’s grave, blowing bubbles for her, and bringing her flowers. She and I spent the morning there on Saturday, we walked and looked at flowers, and every so often we would happen upon a child’s grave, and she was so delighted that Cate would have a friend. Precious to come from a four year old, and devastating that she should need to know of death and grief so young. For Dude it is a bit different, he can be both raging and soft-hearted…He will throw play dough and kill lizards in the yard one minute, and the next he wants to be hugged and held. A friend of ours brought her infant son over to our house a week ago, and Dude just wanted to take care of him, and rub his head, and talk to him like he was so accustomed to doing with Cate. My heart broke, and I cried for days after. Our kids are definitely our greatest joys and our greatest distraction right now, but I feel it is such an unfair journey that they are forced to walk. I believe that no child should be robbed of their security, as ours have unfortunately been. And unless you have walked this road as a young sibling, you can’t begin to imagine how much innocence is lost.

What is also so unnerving about this process is that it isn’t “pretty, and it can’t be hidden.” I have worked a long time to try to shelter my heart from the “ugly & messiness” that life can show. I would chose to focus my energies on the positive and the “neatly packaged” lessons that life was teaching me. With friendships I would often skim the surface of issues, and seldom let others deep into my heart. My tried & true way of “guarding” my heart is, however, starting to unravel. I originally thought that getting back to routine and staying focused on the “positives” in life would keep me moving forward. But grief had a way of showing up and slowing me down to an almost standstill, and let me tell you it isn’t “pretty.” It has shaken me down to my core and even to do the everyday “usual” stuff is so unbearably painful. Changing the toilet paper roll means opening the cabinet where Cate’s diapers are, putting away dishes means seeing her empty bottles. Simply going into our bedroom, means walking through her nursery. I still sit in her nursery’s rocker and rock most days, and sing to no one but myself. I glance into her bed each morning trying so hard to remember what it looked like to see her there. There are days that I take out her clothes and refold them, not to torture myself, but to hang on to the scent of her and the memory of the days she wore them. At moments I cling to every picture I can find, and other moments I have to turn them upside down and can’t even begin to process it. I am so deeply saddened, and so visibly hurt by her loss. I find myself with little energy to answer the phone, check emails, pay bills, or fold clothes. I can’t bring myself to be with (or even talk to) friends who have babies, or who complain about trivial stuff, and I am tired of having to answer… “How are y’all…or better yet…are you having a good day?” So, I avoid the grocery store, the post office, the bank, etc… at all cost, but when duty calls, and I must go I usually wear my trusty UL baseball cap, keep my head down, and avoid eye contact at all cost. Grief is a very lonely place to be, but the energy that it takes to make small talk or to share is incredibly draining.

This grief journey is so different and so individual. Although Charlie and I both witnessed the same child suffer, and we both watched the same doctors perform the same tasks, and we both left the hospital together, we are mourning Cate so differently. I mentioned to Charlie that being back home and having to get back to the business of life is much harder than watching Cate struggle in the hospital. It was easy to feel God’s graces during her hospital stay and the funeral services. I felt that God showed up BIG for us (during her burial) and allowed us to truly celebrate Cate’s life. And even though I know of His presence now it does feel so far away and so less tangible. It is a whirlwind of emotions and we are ALL experiencing them, at different times and in different ways.

Along with this time of never knowing more misery, I, have also never know more love. In the midst of this terribly trying time I still cling to Charlie, and we cherish our kids more every day. I have finally learned to lean into the wisdom of my parents. I have shared with my mom that I have never needed her as much nor appreciated her as much as I do now. She has become one of my best of friends. I pray that my sisters, my children, or anyone else will never need to know this wisdom of hers and now mine. It is not my parents’ experiences or pains, but rather their hope and joys that continue to renew in me a peace that … time and God will heal us.

And still through all of this pain…like it or not… there is still a real life to be lived. I don’t want to look back in ten years and think that I just existed through this time. Most days it is a decision to live well and search for the beauty that life still offers. Other days it comes a little easier and I can buy milk and cheerios without a baseball cap. But to each day that has passed so far and to all that are to come… I am committed to welcoming the daily joys and will continue to attempt to graciously invite in the grief. I don’t desire to run from this time & I sure can’t make it pretty or tie it with a bow, but I choose to not to just exist. So, here’s to living life, living it well, and inviting God in!

To my friends, I ask you to be patient with me. Unlike Charlie, I often don’t hold my heart up for others to see. I shelter it carefully and I have protected it for a LONG time. It has been bumped and bruised before, but never shattered. I am still searching on the ground for any remaining pieces, please be patient. I will come up soon, and need your help mending & reassembling. I can’t thank you all enough for your supportive love, your respect, and your continued prayers. I love you dearly, Ali

Stay TUNED!!!!

2008-07-22T07:24:00.001-07:00

Greetings to all! I just wanted to let yall know that Ali is almost finished writing her Blog!!!! The heart of Mommy will be coming to your screen soon! Give your refresh buttons a break, it won't be until this afternoon before we post her blog. Ali is working in her classroom this morning. On top of everything else we have going on she is starting teaching at a new school which means taking ALL of her teaching stuff that she has had stored at home and setting up a new classroom. Yall keep her in your prayers right now. We love you all PLEASE keep praying for us we need it!

My Wordless Spirit

2008-07-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

Romans 8: 26-27
Brothers and sisters: The Spirit comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because he intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will.

Greetings to all! As I was reading over the Mass reading in preparation for Mass this afternoon these words that Paul wrote to the Romans really ministered to my heart and gave me consolation in my own lack of words I so often feel. Yes, at times I actually am at a loss for words as crazy as that sounds. As I watch my wife grieve I realize that there is nothing that I can “say” to make it any better and the times I do open my mouth I do the typical husband thing and say something stupid that makes her angry or sad.
As you can imagine the past year of our life has been very difficult. We have found ourselves in places that we never would have thought we would be in our short marriage. The whole pregnancy was VERY difficult on both of us and there was a quiet disconnect that had taken place. Yes, we lived under the same roof, we parented the same kids, but as a husband and wife we lacked “connection” with each other’s heart. After Cate was born and she did so well in the first few months Ali and I truly began to reunite our hearts and it was wonderful. We enjoyed each other’s companionship, conversation, friendship, and really just connecting on the deeper level of being a husband and wife.
Well, here we are again. Another very difficult spot and it is not always a fun ride right now. I am watching the woman that I love the most in this world, hurt, and I mean hurt bad. As, THE MAN, of the house, I want to fix it. I want to take out my tools of the trade that I have done for years and help her “work” through this, but I am STINKING IT UP at times. There are a lot of times that we are just not ready to be around other people yet. So, who do we have but each other? Two people who have said just about everything they have to say to each other right now about where they are at and how they feel. Therefore we just sit in silence a lot of the time. It’s a difficult silence, at moments it can be a deafening silence. It does not make me angry, it just makes me hurt more. I feel like I could not “fix” Cate, I cannot “fix” my wife or my kids and at times I just feel useless and helpless. I know that they only thing that I can do right now
is once again find myself at the throne room door, just knocking on their behalf, because I
do not know what else to do.
On Thursday when I wrote the blog, “Taking Off the Old Yolk” was a particularly tough day. I had called Ali and could tell by her voice that she was just hurting and I sat there on the phone in silence, not knowing what to say. This was mainly because the night before we were on our way home and I tried to offer her my words of “wisdom” and as Dude says, “It’s not working so well.” Thursday morning I had decided to go to noon Mass and I knew that Ali was at her moms just hanging out. I called over there to ask her what I could pray for her for, but she was indisposed at the moment and I was walking into Church so I would not be able to talk to her before Mass began. As I knelt in Church just “groaning” to the father, not know what to say the words, “lighten her yolk” came to my heart and I just prayed for that over and over before Mass began. I had not had a chance to look over the readings before Mass and what was the Mass reading but the exact words, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
The Spirit was taking the wordlessness of my heart and turning it into the exact prayers that He knew needed to be brought to the Father. Even in the Homily the priest said, “God is For Us!” which is what I read in a book and wrote on a piece of paper and nailed to the backdoor of our house so that we would see it every time we walked out the door. As I read this reading this morning I was reminded that the, “Promise of the Father,” the Holy Spirit is in fact with us. It may not make it any “easier” but it makes me want to continue on. I know that we are not alone on this journey that all of you are with us and praying for us, but it is nice to be reminded that God is on our side too. My prayer is that we all might know and be reminded “that the one who searches hearts” knows our hearts even if we do not know what to say or how to pray at any given moment. We love you all, remain with us and pray that we might be reminded often, that God is with us.
Much Love, The Cantrells

Prayer Request

2008-07-18T13:41:00.000-07:00

Greetings to All! You all have been so faithful in praying for us and now I ask you to step up to the plate again. Dear friends of ours little newphew is another heart baby who had surgery just about 3 weeks ago now. There are have been many complications and I am asking you once again to storm the gates of heaven on behalf of Baby Cooper, he is almost five weeks old. Please pray for him and his family!
Baby Cate, Pray for Baby Cooper! You still have to listen to your dad you know!
Much Love, The Cantrells

Cate's Account Information

2008-07-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! This is just information that we needed to pass along to you all. First and foremost to all those who have supported our family financially and contributed to Cate's fund so generously we want to again say THANK YOU! Due to Chase bank policy because the account was opened while Cate was at Texas Children's Hospital we had to close the account due to her passing. There are still people making deposits in the account and we did not want anyone to think that we were trying to pull a fast one when they got Chase to make a deposit and the bank tells them that the account as been closed. We had to close it because of Cate's death. If you would like to still contribute to Cate's Memorial fund you may mail your contribution to the address below. We are NOT asking for contributions we just wanted to make everyone aware of WHY we had to close the account. Again, thank you to every who has generously given to our little family in our time of need. Once all Cate's medical and funeral expenses are paid any proceeds remaining will be used continue Cate's legacy. We love you all! Much Love, The Cantrells

The Cantrell Family
P.O. Box 52978
Lafayette, La 70505

This is in Addition to New Blog Posted yesterday afternoon 07/17/08

Taking Off the Old Yoke

2008-07-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

In the Letter to the Romans, the Apostle Paul deals still more fully with the theme of this "birth of power in weakness", this spiritual tempering of man in the midst of trials and tribulations, which is the particular vocation of those who share in Christ's sufferings. "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit which has been given to us"(Romans 5:3-5). Suffering as it were contains a special call to the virtue which man must exercise on his own part. And this is the virtue of perseverance in bearing whatever disturbs and causes harm. In doing this, the individual unleashes hope, which maintains in him the conviction that suffering will not get the better of him, that it will not deprive him of his dignity as a human being, a dignity linked to awareness of the meaning of life. And indeed this meaning makes itself known together with the working of God's love, which is the supreme gift of the Holy Spirit. The more he shares in this love, man rediscovers himself more and more fully in suffering: he rediscovers the "soul" which he thought he had "lost" because of suffering.
Pope John Paul II The Christian Meaning of Human Suffering#23

Greetings to all! It is amazing how the Spirit that unites us all flows similar themes through all of us at the same time. Pope John Paul II has always been a hero of mine. He was our Holy Father for the majority of my life and his passion for the gospel and his ability to make tangible what is so often mysterious in the world was always amazing. His writings have always inspired me and still do. The above quote was sent to as part of a mass email that Fr. Stan Fortuna sent out in the past few days. As I read it I felt as though the words were jumping off the screen and into my heart and I felt compelled to share them with you and what I felt like God was telling me through some of them.
My interpretation of this quote is that life and suffering is a two step process, seems simple enough right?? Step one is admitting that it is bigger than we are, this is where admitting our weakness comes into play. We must admit that we cannot do this on our own in order to receive help, right? If we cannot admit that we are in need of assistance than we simply try to “solve” it ourselves or as I mentioned in the previous blog, “self-medicate.”
Step two is the turn and this is where Pope John Paul says, “man must exercise on his own part.” God is great and huge and ruler of the universe, but He is NOT pushy. He respects our free will and desires for US to turn to Him. He will ever so slightly give us a nudge, a sign, a word in order to say, “Hey I am here, let me help you,” but he waits for us to turn to Him and invite Him in to our life and the situations that we find ourselves in. I think a lot of us see “Holy” people and their life looks perfectly put together. They are in Church all the time, the pray a lot, they have a great marriage, great kids, great lives and we say to ourselves I could never be like that. If that is what God is looking for, then I am not it! Am I right? Just look at the Gospel reading for today, it comes from Matthew 11: 28-30, Jesus said: “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.” Did Jesus say, “Come to me all who are perfect and I will give you rest. Come to me all you have your lives in perfect order and I will give you rest. NO, He said COME TO ME ALL YOU WHO LABOR AND ARE BURDENED, and I will give you rest. He says, “Take my yoke upon you” He is not talk about an egg yolk. A yoke is the harness that they put around ox as they plow the field so they can guide them. He is saying to each one of us, LET ME GUIDE YOU! He is saying to us if you just let me guide you, I will give you rest, in the midst of your suffering.
The individuals who choose to take the yoke of the world off of their shoulders which by the way is driving them into the ground out of exhaustion and put on Christ’s yoke he will “unleash hope” into our hearts. As this hope is unleashed we will realize that this suffering will not get the best of us and I think Pope John Paul says it beautifully when he says that when this hope is unleashed it, “maintains in him the conviction that suffering will not get the better of him, that it will not deprive him of his dignity as a human being, a dignity linked to awareness of the meaning of life.” Whatever situation we find ourselves, no matter how painful it may be we will still realize that it WILL NOT get the best of us because of the grace of God.
As we follow the gentle guidance of Christ through these storms in our live we will find meaning and purpose, but most important we will find ourselves. The true self that has been covered for so long by the masks of perfection that we have placed on ourselves so we can “fit in.” Christ was not afraid of the outcasts, in fact that is who He spent most of His time with. He hung out with tax collectors, prostitutes, cripples, leapers because they were the ones WHO KNEW they were weak. They knew they were in need of assistance and there was no hiding it. May we too, not be afraid to admit our weakness and turn to our loving God, our Church, and our brothers and sisters in Christ so that we might all experience a “birth of power in weakness.” We love you all and ask that you continue to pray for us! Much Love, The Cantrells

P.S. We have had an overwhelming response in requests for Cate’s prayer cards and we are getting them out to you all. If you have not requested one and would like one please send me your mailing information to catecantrell@gmail.com we still have some and will be having more printed.

Waiting in Jerusalem

2008-07-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

Sirach 2: 1-6
My son, when you come to serve the LORD, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, undisturbed in time of adversity. Cling to him, forsake him not; thus will your future be great. Accept whatever befalls you, in crushing misfortune be patient; For in fire gold is tested, and worthy men in the crucible of humiliation. Trust God and he will help you; make straight your ways and hope in him.

Greetings to all! As I was making my two and a half hour commute to work yesterday morning my heart was just breaking, the pain was so intense that I could physically feel it. Instead of running from it, turning up the radio, thinking “happy” thoughts, or making phone calls, I just sat in it and I began to simply invite God into that hurt, to join me in that place of suffering. I know that He is always “with us,” but He is still a very respectful God who will not force Himself on us but will quietly wait for our invitation.
The question that Ali and I get asked the most is, “How are you doing?” Although we know it is being asked out of genuine concern, we also know that a lot of times, the majority of people could not handle our answer. Let me give you an example. Now, remember this is all figurative language here for all you animal lovers out there. If someone catches me in the middle of a heart wrenching moment and asks the question, “How are you doing?” And I truly answered them, my answer would sound something like this, “I want to stomp on kittens, punt bunnies across the yard, I want to throw cute puppies are far as I can, I want to unleash the fury that is in side of me by punch something until my arms and my body cannot physically move anymore.” Now, is that the answer that “most” people want to hear, No. What most people want to hear is that we are doing “good, we are doing good.” Unfortunately at the moment and in the days and weeks to come, we will not always be doing, “good.” Does that mean that we are falling apart all day long, No. Does it mean that we find no joy in our life, no. What that means is that we just feel like we got the wind knocked out of us and could cry at ANY given moment sometimes because we are in pain right now.
In the society that we live in today, especially the one that I grew up in, we want to avoid pain at ANY COST! Just watch TV for an hour and see how many different medication advertisements there are on TV today. Our world has become afraid of pain, so instead of dealing with it we so often “self-medicate,” by alcohol, food, shopping, money, celebrity gossip, or whatever our poison might be, so that we can feel better about ourselves and our life or the other option is that we just simply pretend that it is not there and go about our daily lives like “nothing is wrong.” We are afraid in general of looking at the reality that we find ourselves in, instead of embracing it, allowing God to be present to us, walk us through it, and heal our broken hearts. In “crushing misfortune” we want to do ANYTHING but “be patient” and “Trust in God.” Unfortunately the reality of it is there is truly no other way around it, no other way that will last, no other way that will truly satisfy us, no other way that will give us REAL solace, comfort, and healing.
As I began my long trek home yesterday afternoon from work I turned my radio off and just prayed, prayed for my wife, prayed for my kids, prayed for myself and I just tried to be patient in the midst of the pain of Cate’s loss. The scripture that came to my heart was of Holy Saturday, the day after Good Friday. Let me set the scene for you and it is pretty bleak one at that. The apostles, disciples, and Mary are locked in the upper room. Mary is mourning the loss of her son, the apostles and disciples are mourning the loss of their Messiah, their friend and their lives. Think about this for a minute. These followers of Christ had given up EVERYTHING, family friends, and careers to follow, this “Jesus,” and now He is dead. They had to be feeling like they had just lost everything, not to mention their reputations, because now they just look like a bunch of idiots. Can you imagine what that Saturday must have felt like? Gut Wrenchingly horrible!
You see, we know something that the Disciples of Christ did not know on that painful Holy Saturday, we know what happened the next day, Easter Sunday, Jesus was resurrected from the dead and after His resurrection He spent forty days with them. In Acts 1:4 the scriptures say, “While meeting with them, he enjoined them not to depart from Jerusalem, but to wait for "the promise of the Father.” To wait, did you hear that, He told them to WAIT on “The Promise of the Father.” That Promise of the Father that Jesus told them about was the Holy Spirit, the one who would empower them to leave the locked upper room and go out into the world and proclaim the Good News of Christ. Can you imagine what that waiting must have been like? When they saw Jesus they must have thought, Jesus is BACK! Whoopie Hooray, we are not IDOITS! And then He tells them to wait. They must have thought, Hold on, what did you just say? You want us to what? You want us to WAIT? Are you kidding, do you know what we have been through? Our people have been waiting for thousands of years for the Messiah, you are here now and you want us to Wait? Yes, WAIT. I believe it was worth the wait, their waiting is what enabled Christianity to be brought to the ends of the earth and be brought to you and to me.
I was talking with my mother-in-law the other day, who as I mention before, has had to face her own “Holy Saturday” when their son Phil died. I was telling her that Ali and I are not running from this pain, we not acting like it doesn’t exist, that right now, we are just experiencing it, in all of its fury, knowing that it will pass. I told her that either we deal with it now or we deal with it later, but it must be dealt with. She said something that I thought was very profound, every once in a while mother-in-laws can come out with some good stuff, wink wink. She said that right now, the pain is in your face, you know what it is and you can clearly identify it. If you deal with it now, it is a lot better than if you wait for years and the pain and anger gets intertwined into other things in your life and it becomes much more disguised as other things and is a lot harder to identify and deal with.
So, as all of us do at different times in all of our lives, Ali and I and our kids find ourselves experiencing our “Holy Saturday” and that is just what we are going to do, experience it. But, we will wait, like the Disciples of Christ, waited in Jerusalem for, “the promise of the Father” we too will wait in our Jerusalem. May all of us, not be afraid of the “crushing misfortune” that this world can bring to all us, but embrace it and allow it to refine us. We love you all, wait with us in Jerusalem.
Much Love, The Cantrells

I will leave you with a quote from the movie the Count of Monte Cristo that I think sums this up very well:

“Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you as we know you: as Albert Mondego, the man!”

Cords of Love

2008-07-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

Hosea 11:4
I drew them with human cords, with bands of love; I fostered them like one who raises an infant to his cheeks;

Greetings to all! My father-in-law stopped by my office this week to check in on me. We sat and talked for a while. He said that he just wanted to come by and to see how I was doing. You see Ali’s parents lost a child as well. Ali’s younger brother Philip was five when he went home to be with God and so their family knows all to well what it is like to be Minus One. Ali and I have talked many of nights about her parents and the loss of Phil, long before Cate was ever born or even a twinkle in Ali’s eye. Bill and Cheryl are a happily married couple and have been for almost thirty years. There is a picture of the two of them on their refrigerator that was taken on a boat off the coast of Italy somewhere, apparently when you get older you actually have money to travel, I am not sure, mine all goes to diapers, daycare, and MILK! Anyway, in this picture they both have the biggest cheesiest smiles on their faces and over the years I have often wondered how they could be so happy, and I mean genuinely happy, after losing their only son. I have always had a special place of respect and admiration in my heart for the two of them. Are they perfect, No. Do they do everything right, No. Do they bug me as in-laws do some times, I will not answer that:) They have three beautiful, wonderful, not to mention absolutely STUNNING daughters, who are all well rounded, spiritual, and fun girls. This just always kind of baffled me. Now, Ali and also have talked about how difficult it was after Phil died, how heartbroken her parents were and Bill and Cheryl have both shared these stories with me and this was all long before Cate. They have been blessed to have me in their lives for QUITE a while now, sometimes they probably thing a little too long.
As I mentioned in a previous blog three years ago my mother passed away. Now, my mother and I, put the FUNK in dysfunctional, but man did we love each other. We could fight like nobodies business, but in the end, we knew that there was nothing that would ever come between us. We had been through too much together to give up on each other. After her passing my heart was broken and I mean broken. Ali endured a lot during that time after Mom’s death. I really just checked out on her. I spent a lot of time alone, I spent a lot of time in silence, even with Ali around, and I spent a lot of time very angry at God, because, “How could He take my mother away from me at only twenty-seven years old? After all the work I had done for Him for all these years this is how he treats me!” It took me along time to work through all those feelings that were raging inside my heart. I remember one night sitting outside our home in Houston drinking a nice cold beer and suddenly I had this image in my head of a Phoenix rising from the ashes and the words, “You will rise” were spoken quietly into my heart. That day began a resolve for me; I knew I would be ok, I knew that Ali and I would be ok and that our hearts would mend.
As my Father in-law and I talked in my office I told him that we would be ok, there is a confidence in my heart and in the faithfulness of our God that assures me, we will be ok. Will it be today, tomorrow, next week or next month, probably not, but we will! I went on to tell my father-in-law that I feel like we have all the necessary pillars in place to succeed. We have our Faith, we have our Family, and we have our Friends. It is like God has set us up for success. I am a pretty self-aware person and as long as my family unit, Ali, Ella, Dude, and I are moving forward, then I will allow us to continue on the path I see working for each of us. If we start to waiver, then I will step in and get a little more involved on the individual level. If I am not aware that we are falling back, then our family and our friends will be very aware of it. As you might have noticed I don’t have hard time sharing my feelings of what is going on in my heart. Our friends are all walking in sync with us right now and if we begin to waiver, they WILL notice and none of them, Family or Friends, are shy about calling a spade a spade, Thank God!
On this Christian journey that we all walk I believe that those are some of the pillars that we must cling to in times of distress. I believe first and foremost we must draw close to our God and our Church for strength and wisdom. I believe that we must draw close to our families for experience and solace. And finally I believe that we must surround ourselves with friends of like mind, heart, and vision, true brothers and sisters, who are not afraid of the messiness that this world can bring into our lives and who know our hearts inside and out, that we can sit and cry, sit and laugh, sit and share a good glass of wine or a cold beer, or any other type of beverage you choose, maybe a coke or something. As the first reading from the Prophet Hosea says, “I drew them with human cords, with bands of love; I fostered them like one who raises an infant to his cheeks.” These three things are the cords that He holds us close to His cheek with and it is because of these cords that I have confidence that my family, although Minus One, will be ok, in fact, we might just even be better. I just encourage each of you to utilize these three pillars in your life. We love you all very much and ask that you continue to journey with us towards healing!
Much Love, The Cantrells

Heart-Filled Hands

2008-07-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

Matthew 10: 5-7

Jesus sent out these Twelve after instructing them thus, “Do not go into pagan territory or enter a Samaritan town. Go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. As you go, make this proclamation: ‘The Kingdom of heaven is at hand.’”

Greetings to all! When I heard this Gospel reading at Mass yesterday the words, “The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand” reverberated in my head, over and over. I kept hearing these words echoing down deep into the recesses of my shattered heart. The image that came to my mind was a picture that Ali had taken where she placed the “famous” red rhinestone heart pin that someone had given her in Cate’s little hand. We did not put any pictures on the internet of Cate from when she was in the CVICU because we did not want people to remember her in that condition, but this one I will share with you all and I have added it to the profile picture on the blog.
This image of a rhinestone heart in my dying daughter’s little hand connected to the scripture quote, “The Kingdom of heaven is at hand.” Sounds kind of odd, but just hear me out. For many of us, including myself, sometimes “Heaven” seems like such a far away place, especially when someone we love has gone there or we are in a very difficult time in our lives where we feel like we have just had enough with this dumb old world. Yet, I love Jesus’ words to us, “The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.” It is “at hand”, I know that this may be a stretch of what Jesus was saying, but the Kingdom of Heaven can be revealed to our world in a simple way, by the work of our hands. Whether it is extending a hand in forgiveness, extending a hand in peace, extending a hand in aid to the less fortunate, or the feel of a hand on someone’s back as you embrace them in love. Stop just for minute and think about instances in your own life where a hand was extended to you to bring peace, comfort and the hope of Heaven to you. It is a small gesture that has the ability to bring such powerful emotions, powerful strength, and powerful healing. It is a moment where I truly believe that the Kingdom of Heaven is, “at hand.”
Although Cate never extended a physical hand to any of us, she extended a very powerful spiritual hand and her life brought about the Kingdom of Heaven in a very powerful way. A way in which it showed all of us that Heaven, is not a far away place, that Heaven in not up in the clouds, but in fact that Heaven is all around us. This is exactly what Christ accomplished, in His suffering, death, and resurrection. In that through His life, death, and resurrection the chasm that original sin had made between Heaven and earth was filled, and that we, all of humanity, once again had the opportunity to taste, to feel, and to experience Heaven, in the here and now. We can now experience Heaven, in our Churches, in our cars, in our living rooms, in parks, in hospitals, or even sitting in front of our computer reading some silly little Cajun’s blog. Where ever we have had a hand extended to us in love, there is the Kingdom of Heaven. God used His little vessel, Baby Cate to extend that hand to all of us, to bring us faith, healing, peace, comfort, forgiveness, hope and with these a glimpse of what is to come in the fullness of Heaven.
“The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand,” and that hand is at the end of our arm. So, as we go through our lives today, let us be reminded that we can bring a taste of Heaven into people’s lives. Whether it is the check out person at the grocery store, our next door neighbor, the attendant at the gas station, or maybe it is our parents, our spouses, our even our children. We will always remember the little heart-filled hand that was extended to each one of us through Cate. A little heart-filled hand that brought all of us, each in our own way, the Kingdom of Heaven. May we in turn go into the world and make the Kingdom of Heaven, truly be “at hand.” We love you all very much and ask that you continue to pray for our family during this difficult time. Also, we still have some prayer cards from Baby Cate’s Funeral and if anyone would like one just send Ali and I your name and address to catecantrell@gmail.com and we will be happy to put one in the mail to you. As Ali and I sat stuffing envelopes with prayer cards last night I told her, “I guess we are kind of like the Presidents of Baby Cate’s Fan Club.”:)
Much Love, The Cantrells

To the Fields

2008-07-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

Matthew 9:36-38

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; pray therefore the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest."

I went to daily mass today because a friend of mine who had lost a child said it was a place where she was able to feel close to her daughter, Rachel. I didn’t go cause I wanted to be holy, to be feed or to look cool, I went because I wanted to be close to Cate. The priest proclaimed the gospel which is where the above quote comes from and then went on to give his homily. Well, I did what I typically do and started giving myself my own homily in my head, I know, its weird, but it’s what works for me.
Throughout Cate’s whole ordeal when people were flocking to the blog, flocking to churches, flocking to the throne room door of heaven, it was a huge witness to the fact that the Harvest IS abundant and that all of us often feel like sheep without a shepherd, just kind of wondering through life, until something worthwhile comes up to get behind, this time, that being Cate. I was reading an email that a friend sent me who quoted Pope Benedict XVI, who said:

“We are not some casual and meaningless product of evolution. Each of us is the result of a thought of God. Each of us is willed, each of us is loved, each of us is necessary. There is nothing more beautiful than to be surprised by the Gospel, by the encounter with Christ. There is nothing more beautiful than to know Him and to speak to others of our friendship with Him.”

So often we feel like we are just walking through life, day in a day out, getting the routine chores done so we can go home, go out, go to the lake, go fishing, go do whatever it is we do, but at the end of the day when all is done we still don’t feel like we really accomplished that much in the big scheme of life. We wake up the next day and we do it all over again. Cate never had the opportunity or the burden of running the rat race that we all run. She didn’t have to go school, do homework, do chores, go to college, get a job, do the mundane occurrences that we all call life that make this world “great.” Yet, look at who God called from birth to be a laborer for His harvest, someone who NEVER SPOKE A WORD. He used this baby girl to surprise people with the Gospel and for people to have a real encounter with Christ. Did we achieve the outcome that we or the world desired? No, not at first glance, but I challenge you to look deeper. It is bitter sweet without a doubt but yet still the outcome is greater than any of us could have EVER imagined.
I ran into to a friend of mine after Mass today who said, “Man, you have a Saint, for a child!” Wow! I do, Cate in her short time on this earth accomplished everything I want my kids to accomplish, to love their God, to love their family, and to lead other people to Christ, and she did all of this without ever saying a word. Now, I have to be honest, I felt a real kick in the pants as I was returning to my truck. As I walked I was thinking to myself, if God has to use a seven month old on her death bed to tell the world of His great love, he must be running out of people, kinda being funny, kinda being serious though. The Harvest is abundant, the laborers are few, and my little girl just ran CIRCLES around me, my life, and my ministry in only twelve days, and I have been doing this for years, I pride fully thought to myself.
All of us have an opportunity to be laborers and we are all NECESSARY, in God’s plan and we all have a story to tell of the saving power of Christ. And if you cannot think of one, think of CATE, tell others what God did throughout the World during Cate’s short life. We can all continue Cate’s legacy by telling people, those people who are looking for a Shepherd about what our Shepherd did through this little girl’s life, and death. It’s a simple story, you don’t have to remember scripture quotes, you don’t have to know doctrine, you just have to know what God did in your heart and what you saw and read about Him doing in the hearts of others. It’s that easy to become a laborer. You don’t have to go to college, seminary, bible school, or anything like that, Cate didn’t! If God can use Cate as a laborer for his Harvest, than He can and will use ANY of us. Thank You Lord for being our Shepherd, Thank you for calling us into an active role in bringing the message of your Salvation to the World and thank you for your messenger Cate who brought all of us closer to You! Much Love, the Cantrells

United We Stand

2008-07-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! Well, as Ali and I approach our six-year anniversary and the birth of our family, on July 12th it’s hard to believe it’s already been six years. I know for a lot of you that may not be along time, but for me in my youthfulness, wink wink, it is one-sixth of my whole life, and that is a lot to me. I am married to the most amazing woman that God has ever kissed this earth with. She truly embodies everything it means to be a woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. She does it with such love, grace, gentleness, humor and sincerity that it is very easy for anyone, but especially me to love her and desire to serve her everyday. It has been a true honor, joy and blessing to be able to journey hand in hand for the last few years and I look forward to many more to come. God has taken us on a variety of road trips over the past six years that we were unprepared for at such a young age, but with each situation God always provided us with the grace and love to weather each storm, which is what gives us our confidence today as we stand in the midst of this new road and new squall. Which leads me to my feelings of the day, or the past couple days I should say.
As I woke up yesterday morning my heart was heavy, just missing and longing for Cate. I was in the shower and I just couldn’t get her off my mind. Ali walked in, my family has NO issues with personal space or busting in on people in the bathroom and Ali began doing whatever women do in the bathroom that takes FOREVER and I said to her over the shower, “I really miss Cate today,” to which she replied, I have too. She went on to say that the past two days had been very difficult for her. We went throughout our day yesterday in a quiet respectfulness of each others processing time. There is not much to “say” right now, we have said we miss her, we have said we’re sad, we have said we’re angry. We are beginning to run out of “new” words to describe the way we feel right now.
I woke up this morning, LATE, rushed out of the door and began my morning commute to work. The passage that kept returning to my mind was from Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man leaves his father and mother, and cleaves to his wife, and the two become one flesh.” Pope John Paul II called the sacrament of marriage the “primordial sacrament,” because the purpose of a sacrament is reveal, to make known, or to make present a hidden mystery of God. Ali and I’s marriage, some days more than others, reveals a hidden mystery of God to each other first and secondly to the world. She and I are united in a similar, yet far reaching way, as the Holy Trinity is united. Therefore, our hearts will feel the same, will beat in unison, morn in unison, and hopefully heal in unison. But, for this to happen we must create an environment for that to happen. We must take time to nourish our marriage.
The other night Ali and I got the chance to go out to dinner in Lafayette to one of our favorite restaurants. We ate EVERYTHING that we enjoyed to eat, shared a GREAT bottle of wine, but as good as the food and wine were, it was not was those ingredients that made the dinner wonderful and life giving. What made the dinner wonderful for me was that Ali and I got to sit in each other’s company and not have to talk about Ecmo machines, blood transfusions or funeral preparations. We just got to enjoy each others companionship, laughter, and life. It was truly an Oasis in this desert time and reminded me that we must continue to do this for our sanity and for our marriage. It is difficult with children, as many of you know, to take time for yourselves, but it is a necessary ingredient for us to have a solid marriage, especially as the storm winds blow hard against our unity. I don’t want the winds to tear apart what we have works so hard to unite and by the grace of God they will not. We will cleave to our God and to each other during this storm knowing with confidence and hope that His Grace is sufficient. Summer is fading fast and Ali, being a teacher, knows that hers is coming to an abrupt end VERY quickly, but we are trying to sketch out a weekend where we can “retreat” just her and I to refocus our marriage and our family so that our vision might be united as we travel down this path together as a husband and a wife. Please pray that our destination may be clear and our time relaxing, refreshing, and visionary.
We have started the “Thank You Note” process, which will take a while, but we have started. We are extremely grateful for everyone who has sent flowers, food, and financial support for our family with medical and funeral expenses. We are; however, unable to find out the names of all of you who have so generously contributed to the account at Chase in honor of Cate and our family. We have tried, but the way that they handle deposits at the Chase it is impossible. If you have contributed and would like to make us aware of your donation you can either send me an email at catecantrell@gmail.com or send me something in the mail to
P.O. Box 52978, Lafayette, La 70578 with your address information. We do not want people to think that we are ungrateful for your generosities we just are unable to get anymore information from the bank. We hope that you understand.
We love you all very much and are extremely grateful for the continued support and prayers for our family. May God continue to lavish on each one of you and your families: let us all stand united! Much Love, The Cantrells

Mutual Admiration

2008-07-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

Greetings to All! These pass few days have been getting adjusted to our new "normal" life. For those of you who know us personally, you know that we have never been, "normal." It has also been a time of becoming aware of how each of us as Husband and Father, Wife and Mother, Son and Brother, as well as Daughter and Sister are dealing with this grieving process. We all are doing it very uniquely although we are all walking the same road. We have had to come to understand and to respect each other's personal process of dealing with our loss.
I want to back up a few years to when Ali and I first were married. We had made a decision that we would always be a family of gratitude, with others, but even more consciously, with each other. We always say "please" and we always say "thank you" ALOT! And we do not only say that we are "sorry" if we hurt or offend someone in our family. We also ask for their forgiveness. Sometimes, it’s given quicker than others:) Even with our children if we lose it with them we will go back to them apologize and ask their forgiveness.
My mother was diagnosed with Cancer four years ago, I am an only child, and Ali and I were living in Houston, TX at the time, while my mother was still back here in Louisiana. Once diagnosed, she moved in with our family while she was receiving treatment in Houston. For those of you who knew my mom, she could be a tough old bag when she wanted to be. She was very honoree and stubborn MOST of the time, I can't imagine where I get it from:) And it took some adjusting for all of us, her having lived alone since I had moved out and us being newlyweds, new parents, and having two mothers in the house, but we continued our families tradition of gratitude and asking forgiveness during that whole journey. As you can imagine there were moments for all us being, stress, tired, a little put out, but we strived for it anyway. As time went on I saw a softening in my mother. She began to say please and thank you, and asking for forgiveness ALOT! One night her and I sat outside my home in Houston and she ask for FORGIVNESS, for things in the past that had happened between her and I, both us sat there with tears streaming down our faces, and I told her, that I had forgiven her years ago, but I was SO GRATEFUL, to hear her say that. She died only a month later, but there was nothing left unsaid between her and I. All wounds had been healed between us and I don't wish there was anything else that I should have said.
Here we are again only three years later, walking the road of mourning once again. As I sat back the other night reflecting on my family and how each of us was mourning differently, I realized that we must do, what we have always done. Be gracious and be willing to ask for forgiveness. As a Father, the things that tug on my heart strings or make me angry over Cate's death are going to be VERY different than what pulls on Ali's heart strings or makes her angry about Cate's death. And the same goes for Ella and Charlie. We are all processing and coping with this time VERY differently and we cannot become impatient with one another, for that will only create a divide and set us back. There must be a mutual admiration and respect for one another, something that we have always strived for, but now it is a little more important. I truly believe it is part of the glue that continues to unite our family as the storm rages on. So, if right now, Ali struggles seeing little babies, I have to allow her “her mourning” and strive to not get impatient with that. If the kids want to carry around a framed 8x10 of Cate and talk to her and sing songs to her, Ali & I can't get frustrated with their processing. If I want to shoot guns and hang out with the boys from time to time, Ali strives to allow me my time to mourn and process. We all are going to do it differently and that is ok. And when we get short or impatient with one another, we need to simply ask for forgiveness and not let anything get a foothold in the door of our family. We must remain a united front that is moving forward toward our goal of being reunited with our girl one day in Heaven and we will not let anything, including our pride, mine especially, get in the way of that.
I know it may sound like a small thing but "please", "thank you", and "I ask your forgiveness" are some of the key things that keep our family what it is today and will continue to keep it that way as we walk this road. Small acts that have a big impact on the life of a family! We ask that you pray that we remain in mutual admiration towards each other as we mourn our beautiful Cate!
I want to leave you with this story that Ali told me last night that LITERALLY, I was like WOW, from the mouth of babes. Ella, our oldest is quite the little artist, she get ALL of that from her mother. She loves to draw pictures of our family. There is actually one on the flicker account that she drew the day we brought Baby Cate home from the hospital, www.flickr.com/photos/cantrellkids. In Ella's drawing Cate has ALWAYS been a little swaddled up baby in the picture down around our feet. The other day Ella, was at my in-laws, and was drawing pictures of the family. She drew one of the family and Nana, Ali's mom, was asking her about it. Ella told her who everyone was, Daddy, Mommy, Dude, Ella, and Cate, but this picture was different than any picture Ella had ever drawn before. You see in this picture she and Cate were holding hands and they were the SAME size. She told Nana, that Cate wasn't a baby anymore that she was a big girl like Ella and that she could now run and play! Wow, tell me that God doesn't speak to the heart of Children!!! If you would like a prayer card from Baby Cate's Funeral please see the Previous Blog Post "In Addition" Much Love, The Cantrells

In Addition

2008-07-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

Ali and I were talking last night and I was telling her that if people who were unable to attend the Funeral would want one, we have plenty of extra BEAUTIFUL prayer cards that we had a graphic designer buddies of our make for Cate and would be happy to mail you one. Just let me know. You can email me at catecantrell@gmail.com with your address and we will put a prayer card in the mail to you. If you haven't already check out our newest blog below. We love yall!

Quiet Hopefulness

2008-07-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all. The formal celebration of Baby Cate's earthly life have all ended. The outpouring of love for our little girl and our family was just amazing. The Mass was beautiful and I mean beautiful! Our little girl packed the church in Rayne, which is a fairly large church. Ali and I were very intentional about the readings and the music for the Mass. We truly wanted it to be a celebration of Cate's life, not a quiet and somber ceremony, but a ceremony that was filled with joy and hope, just as Baby Cate's life here on earth was. The first reading was Isaiah 49: 1-6 and the Psalm was Psalm 33. The Songs were "Never Let Go" by Matt Redman, "Who is to Come" by Kelly Pease, "Mother's Song" by Kelly Pease, "Set Me As a Seal" by Matt Maher, "Amazing Grace" by Chris Tomlin, and "We Stand and Lift Up our Hands" by Chris Tomlin. Fr. Michael Delcambre, who baptized Cate delivered the homily and knock it out of the Park! John Ray Perkins, Cate's God Father and I were pallbearers and at the last minute, "Dude" Cate's big brother ran up and helped walk is sister down the isle. The whole thing was absolutely perfect in Ali and I's opinion. It has been quiet around our house the last couple of days. Strangely quiet. I can't put my finger on it and am obviously still trying to process it, but life seems much slower. I enjoy our kids more, I enjoy my wife more, I enjoy the little day to day activities that once irritated me, just a little more. But there is an emptiness that is left in our hearts, there is an emptiness left in our home, there is an emptiness left in the swing that Cate once sat in, there is emptiness in her baby bed that I look in every time I pass it. In my head I know that she is in a "better place" but in my heart I just long for her smile, her smell, even her dirty diapers. I know that in time God will console this emptiness, I don't know if it will ever, "go away." I didn't really see very many people at the Funeral Mass itself. I was focused on Cate, my family, and giving all praise and thanksgiving to my God for allowing us to be the parents of such a wonderful little girl. But, I did notice the faces of two people, parishioners of the Church that I worked at in Houston for a few years. They are just wonderful, and I mean wonderful people, and about a year and a half ago they lost their teenage daughter very suddenly. She was a teen in the youth group that I had the privilege to run, while we were in Houston. I talked to them both at the reception that my in-laws had at the after Mass and I said, you all know what this feels like and told them of one person's comment to Ali and I that, "she wishes she could tell us that it gets better, but it only gets worse” they said that was not true, the pain doesn't go away that God just helps you to deal with better. Those were words that I could hold onto, they were words that strengthened my hope. I won't ever forget Cate, stop loving Cate, or even missing her. We will always be, Minus One, in the Cantrell house, but our God is faithful and his word tells us, Blessed are those who Morn, for they shall be Comforted! Yes, we shall be comforted, we already are comforted and I know with confidence that our comfort will only increase as we allow God to heal our broken hearts. It is a process, it is a journey, one that we must and will take, because of our Faith, Hope, and Trust in our God. My heart just aches right now, as it should, if it didn't then that means we wouldn't have loved and been loved by our precious Cate. Many of you asked at the Funeral home and after the mass that we continue this blog, that we continue sharing the Cantrell's journey into the heart of our God and so Ali and I will, as long as you all want to come along. Thank you to all of your generous prayerful, physical, and financial support to our family during the difficult time. We love you all and remain in Hope, remain with us in prayer.

I want to leave you all with something that God put on my heart this past Thursday as we were preparing for Cate's Funeral. The day after Baby Cate's surgery when she was on the ecmo machine Ali and I were talking about God and about Him "showing up" to heal Cate's heart. I told Ali about something that I had read in a book years back about God kinda having a hero-complex. Look throughout scriptures, He always like to show up big and sometimes He would kinda drag out the story to make an even bigger finish." I was reflecting on these words I had spoken to Ali when I realized, God SHOWED UP! He showed up in a HUGE way! He brought together and is still bringing together people from every nation under His banner. That He, through the suffering of Baby Cate and our little family, He is drawing thousands and thousands back to Him. He did a MIGHTY MIGHTY work in only twelve days, we keep saying seven months, including myself, but in all actuality, He did this mighty work in twelve days! He drew people from the corners of the earth to His feet in prayer for Baby Cate, in TWELVE DAYS! Our family is humbled and honored that we got to play a small role in God showing the world how He can make Good out of even the worst situation. So, please don't feel like God didn't show up, because we, our family, feel like He showed up BIG TIME! Isaiah 49:6, "It is too little, he says, for you to be my servant, to raise up the tribes of Jacob, and restore the survivors of Israel; I will make you a light to the nations, that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth." He used a little baby girl, our Sweet Baby Cate to be a light to the Nations that His salvation might reach to the ends to the earth! Thank you God for Showing up! We love you!

Plus many, Minus one

2008-06-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! Well, the Cantrell's arrived home today, not quite how we expected. The journey that we had mapped out did not exactly turn out the way that we had planned. We never thought that thousands and thousands of people from around the world would come to know our family and the journey of our precious Cate so intimately.

This past Monday as I drove to the hospital for another of Baby Cate's procedure I was praying as hard as I could, I was begging Jesus to fix Cate's heart, and I quietly heard the words, "Not today, I am not finished my work." I knew that it was God, there are few times in my life that I have audibly in my heart heard the voice of God, but over the past two weeks I feel like he spoke to me everyday, most of the time I didn't want to hear it, but it was the truth, again, just another little props to Baby Cate, she made God talk to her Dad ALOT! That afternoon after they finished the procedure Dr. Salazar came and met with us, he informed us that her little body was beginning the process of shutting down, her lungs were filled with fluid, she was starting to have a bacterial infection in her kidneys, and indeed her heart was not going to be able to recover from the surgery, due to the complex anatomy of her heart. A lot of tears and snot ensued, and then Ali and I went to Baby Cate's room and knelt by her bed and we prayed. We prayed in thanksgiving for the wonderful and joy-filled seven months that we had with Cate. In her prayer, Ali thanked God for the opportunity to have Cate as long as we did, because, if you have followed us all along or gone back to the beginning of this blog, Cate was not supposed to make it past five months in utero. We called my parents who were watching our kids, and had them bring the kids that night to Houston. We brought them into the hospital waiting room, and with the help of a wonderful, faith-filled child life specialist we began to talk to them about Cate, about her sickness, and about everyone’s feelings, and then we had them make cards for Cate. After they headed back to the hotel for the night, and Ali and I stayed at the hospital. The nurses moved Baby Cate over to one side of the bed so Ali could lay on the bed with her, and of course she did! She lay there with her all night long, and I sat in the rocker on the side of Cate's bed and kept vigil, enjoying the last night of my little girl's earthly life. It was about 3 or 4am that I was woken up by the sound of a voice saying, “She is already gone,” I looked at the monitors and they were still going, I was like, no she is not. And I closed my eyes and went vigil-ing again. We got moving around 6am and it was like all we could do was to keep looking at the clock, because 8am we were storming the beaches and it was going to be either, make it or break it. Before we walked out of the room around eight and we prayed again and I told Ali, what I had heard earlier in the morning and she said that she had in fact heard the same thing throughout the night. They made one more attempt to ween her off of her machine, but nothing in her little body was working right. They called us in, and told us the news, we cried, we felt let down in our miracle. The gentle nurses, dressed Cate in her hospital gown, and covered her with her own yellow blanket. They were able to remove as many monitors and IV tubes as they could. She looked beautiful and peaceful. We then began circling family through Baby Cate's room to say their good byes. After the family was done, we brought, Ella and Dude into Cate’s room. We wanted them to see that Cate was sick, and that she didn't just leave with mommy and daddy one day and then they not come back home with her. We wanted them to know that Cate was very sick and that she was not going to get better. Dude, sat her on bed and rubbed her hair and kissed her forehead over and over. Ella cried, she cried hard, and she took it a lot harder than I expected, but it was part of the journey that they are being forced to walk down. After the “big kids” kissed her, gave her the cards they made for her, and said their good byes. They left with the child life specialist and our family, they went and played and Ali and I stayed in the room. We talked to Cate, kissed her, and then around 12:20pm they began taking all the tubes out so Ali could hold her. The last thing they did was to turn off the Ecmo machine and the Ventilator, she never took a single breath on her own, because as God had told us, she was already gone, which was such a comforting feeling. They wrapped her in her blanket and gave her to Ali. We just sat, quiet, no beeping, no hum of the Ecmo, no ventilator, just quiet. We cried and we talked, but we knew she wasn't there anymore, that kid was already causing a ruckus in heaven. After a long while, we laid her on the bed in her yellow blanket, and we went down to get our other two kids and we left the hospital to get some lunch at McDonald's, cause he let us stay in his house for almost two weeks, gotta support the team right? We took the kids to the Zoo that afternoon, we just wanted to spend time with them. You know, we always have enjoyed our children, we make it a priority of our family, but with Cate's passing, there is even a more renewed sense of the day to day. To literally slow down, to listen when they talk, to play paper dolls, and to shoot spider man webs all over the room. And so that is what we did, we enjoyed the beautiful gift that God has given to us, what we call our family.

When Ali and I reflect on Cate’s life, we agree that it was an AWESOME seven months, Ali and I do not regret one single thing. We treated Cate, just like our other two children, with a LOT of love, a LOT of fun, and a lot of "tough-it-out" kid attitude, and she did. For a child being born with such a serious heart defect, we did not spend much time at ALL in Doctor's offices or hospitals. Cate's progress surpassed our expectation.

I told Ali, that I was not sad for Cate, that she was going home, to the place that we all long for, a place where there is nothing to "need" because we are completely and totally satisfied in our loving God. That she would NEVER have to experience the wages of sin, the shame that often comes with it, or the guilt that so many of us drag around our WHOLE lives. That she would leave this world, HOLY, PURE, and PERFECT, the worst thing Baby Cate probably ever did was poop out of the back of her diaper, and last time I checked that wasn't on the ten commandments. I wasn't in any anyway sad for her, I was sad for us, for Ali and I, who would from this time on have a hole in our hearts that was taken out when little Cate left this earth. I was sad for her brother and sister, who at such a young age would have to experience, sickness, dying, death, and the grieving process, (which is hard enough for most of us, "Grown UPS" and I use that word lightly because I know some of the people reading this blog:).

There are a few things that we have learned through this process that I wanted to share with you all. First, God can use ANYONE to reach out to the world, literally, the WORLD! Our little girl lay on her deathbed, almost lifeless and she still united the world in prayer, Ali and I are so humbled to be her parents, and we proudly stand in her shadow. We have learned that hope is not based on a certain outcome. That hope is what gets us through everything. Just because the prayers of many were not answer in the particular way, that we thought they should be, doesn't mean that WE, all of us, should give up HOPE. My hope is that we will be better people, that we will be better evangelist and allow God to minister through us to get His message out. My Hope is that my wife and I will be a better husband and wife because of Cate, that we will better love each other and continue to honor and support each other. I hope that we are better parents; soaking up lavishly the love, the beauty, and the joy in situations that God continues to reveal Himself in through our kids. WE, my family and I, are HOPE FILLED! We are not letting up on our faith in God, in our prayer, or in our hope, because if we do Cate's life was in vain! And I can't let that happen, and I ask all of you who have come back into relationship with God or allowed God to renew your relationship, to not let this shake you, this is life! God DID NOT GIVE CATE THIS HEART CONDITION, He DID NOT GIVE CATE TO ALI AND I BECAUSE WE ARE RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE, nor did He give us Cate because HE THOUGHT WE COULD HANDLE IT. This world is imperfect, it has been since the fall of mankind and we are still living with the consequences. The consequence of sin is death, everyone dies, all at different times. What matters is what we make of this life. God can allow good to come from any situation. Look at Cate, a little seven month old girl laying on a bed DYING, and people are RUNNING back to their faith, is that not Good being made of a very difficult situation. Ali and I are honored that we got to be a part of that Good, we are proud that we got to watch the mighty works of God through our daughter, so if you give up, then Cate's journey was in vain, don't give up because WE, her family, are not, we are HOPE FILLED and plan on remaining that way for a very long time.

If you would have told me two weeks ago that there would be over 50,000 hits on Baby Cate's Blog in less than 4 days I would have laughed so hard, but God did a mighty work, Wow, praise to you Lord Jesus Christ! This Blog isn't ending, the Cantrell's plan on continuing to share their Journey, through the grief and the laughter, through our trials and victories, as we continue to press into the heart of God with all of you… if you want to stay tuned it will be quite a ride.

We will continue celebrating Catherine "Baby Cate" Francis Cantrell's life in the next couple of days, Friday, June 27th, will be the Wake from 10:00am to 10:00pm at Martin & Castille Funeral Home on St. Landry St. in Lafayette, LA and the Funeral Mass will be on Saturday June 28th at 11:00am at St. Joseph Catholic Church in Rayne, La, we would love for you to come celebrate Baby Cate with us.

We love you all so much and thank you for journeying with us, and running this marathon. The race is over, and Cate was victorious. We all win that way. We do ask that you remain, Hope Filled, with us as we stand together, plus many, minus one.

Hope Filled

2008-06-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

Blog coming soon. Stay with us. We love you.

A Mother's Love

2008-06-23T08:31:00.001-07:00

The heart of Cate: June 23, 2008, 8:26 am
To those who battle & to those hope,
I must begin by first addressing that by my calling I am a wife, and a mother, but a teacher by trade. So, with that being said, it is no surprise to many that my “bedtime reading” with Cate (The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe) comes with a character analysis. Hang with me here… in Narnia; there is a deep magic that goes back to the dawn of time…

In Chapter 10, Father Christmas arrives bearing gifts for the children. For Peter (a.k.a. Charlie), Son of Adam, he presents tools not toys. He said, “…the time to use them is perhaps near at hand. Bear them well.” With these words he handed Peter a shield and a sword. For Lucy (Baby Cate), Eve’s Daughter, Father Christmas gave her a little bottle that looked like glass and a small dagger. “In this bottle,” he said, “there is a cordial made of the juice of one of the fire flowers that grow in the mountains of the sun. If you or any of your friends are hurt, a few drops of this will restore them. And the dagger is only to defend yourself in great need.”

“…Peter did not feel brave, indeed he felt he was going to be sick. But that made no difference to what he had to do. He rushed right up to the monster and aimed slash of his sword in his side…and Peter’s tired army cheered and the newcomers roared, and the enemy squealed…then they found Edmund, he was covered with blood, …and then almost for the first time Lucy remembered the precious cordial. Her hands trembled, and she looked eagerly and wondered if the cordial would have any results. When at last…she found him standing on his feet and not only healed of his wounds but looking better than she had seen him look….”

And there you have it…Charlie, our Peter, stands guarding and protecting our family and our hearts, his shield and sword are ready to face the battles and defend us all. We know his strength through the Lord will prevail, no matter what befalls us. And then Cate, our Lucy, is the one who really saves the story. She is the one that is restoring all of us. Her little life is restoring us in our faith and in our hope in the Lord. Her dagger is ready when the greatest need emerges.

And so, to steal a few lines (and paraphrase them ‘cause I like it better this way…no offense St. Paul) from Ephesians…We, as a family, have put on the full armor of God. We are rooted in our Lord’s faithfulness, and we stand firm with the belt of truth and the breastplate of righteousness. We have each taken up our shields of faith and our swords (or daggers) of the spirit. We remain steadfast in his truth and vigilant in our hope.

The day has already begun for Cate, she begins her daily exams at 4:00 am, and her doctors have already started their rounds. We, also begin our day praying for her, waiting for her, and waiting on good news.

In the midst of waiting come the struggles of the anger, frustration, and true sadness, yet there is still joy and goodness to be found. She does continue to improve slightly some days, and we continue to be encouraged by those moments of progress. I couldn’t help but rest my head on her bedside a few days ago after her mornings procedure and sob uncontrollably, I miss holding her and rocking her to sleep, and what I wouldn’t give to have her cry at three in the morning and stumble downstairs for a bottle. Again, I take comfort that she can hear us, early a few mornings ago, before Charlie had arrived, I went to her room and as I began to whisper to her she opened her eyes and looked at me, I cried instantly. I wept because there is a longing that comes from being a mom and in finally surrendering your children… blindly, with no guarantee of return.

Charlie and I do find support in other parents of heart patient children and we lean on each other in moments of “humanness.” A very cool eclectic mom gave me a rhinestone heart pin …oh yes, you heard me a pin, you know the kind that your first grade teacher wore with her denim jumpsuit, layered socks, and white canvas Keds…yeah that kind (no offense to any teacher, I too, have worn my share of the cheesy “teacher gifts”)! But you know the beauty of the pin was that it spoke of the common bond of our children, and that we are all in this together. God really is good…even if he does show up through red rhinestones.

Thanks for remaining with us, for praying with us, and for battling with us. Now…You boys go get your swords…we girls will get our daggers (and our rhinestones), and we will meet you at the battle lines and march onward to the prize!

my love to you all, Ali

You know How I Feel

2008-06-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! Thank you all for you of your thoughts and prayers, Ali and I continue to lean into them, sometime in minutes, hours, morning, afternoon, nights or whole days we lean into them harder. I am back at the hotel for the night, my mind is mentally exhausted and my body is struggling this evening. I type this message as a group of people gather in the center of our hometown of Rayne, Louisiana to pray for our family as we walk this unknown path. If you went tonight to the rosary or prayed a rosary at home, at school, in your car, on a plane, train, a bus, well you get the picutre, We thank you and I know for me I am leaning HARD into them tonight! I truly feel like Ali and I make a good team, beacause whenever she is falling apart I have the strength and whenever I am falling apart, she sends me back to the hotel, wait a minute! Totally kidding, God, really seems to balance us out in terms of breakdowns and strong moments. Again last night we had an unexpected visitor, another disciple, showed up, RANDOMLY! We were sitting in the section of the waiting room that we always sit and I saw a gentleman and a young lady walk in, they kinda meandered around and then left. I found it a little odd, the ICU waiting room is not typically somewhere where people just kinda stumble in and then leave. A while later the "Black Phone" rang, I walked over, answered it, and the receptionist said, Mr. Cantrell, there is a man here who would like to go upstairs and pray with Cate, I said, I don't think so, hold him RIGHT THERE, I'll be there in a minute. I walked toward the front desk and saw a man sitting on the couch, he stood up and said, Mr. Cantrell? I said Yes, He introduced himself and we sat down. He began to tell me the story of how he had gotten there that night. A gentleman from Louisiana had called him, and told him that he had to go check this Blog out online, that there was this Baby girl that really needed prayer. So, the man told his friend who had called, let's pray right now, so they prayed then. Well, yesterday morning, the man from Louisiana called again, asking if this guy had gotten a chance to go online and look at the blog, to which the gentleman replied, no my internet is still down. He said, then then Holy Spirit told him that he need to go and pray with this little girl or her family. So, he found out that we were at Texas Children's, got in his car and drove all the way from Victoria, TX, which is two hours from Houston! He did not have our last name, what floor cate was on, he just drove. He made his way to the waiting room we were in somehow and then receptionist wouldn't give him any information, so he made is way up to the ICU and sat outside the doors and prayed for Cate, and prayed, for while. Then he came back to the receptionist told her his story and that is when she called me. I told him that we could not go up to Cate's room because her chest was still open and we were only letting grandparents and Ali's sisters in there for sanitary reasons, but I said you can pray with me. So, we bowed our heads and we prayed together, He prayed, I prayed, we said AMEN. He then got up gave me a hug and his card with his contact information, and left to go back to Victoria. Amazing how God works!!! Yesterdya afternoon I decided to put a counter on Cate's blog, because Ali and I have been very overwhelmed by the amount of comments and emails we were getting from all over the country and around the world. So, at about 4:00pm yesterday I put a counter, that counts how many times this page is viewed, as of 9:00pm tonight there was over 8,000 hits on this blog, UNBELIEVABLE! I told Baby Cate about all of you all this afternoon, she was SPEECHLESS, literally. Two, funny stories for yall, There has been a couple that we have seen around the waiting room for the past few days, there little boy just had his second heart surgery and still has to have one more. Ali got to talking with the Mom last night and mentioned that we had a blog, the mom said, "Baby Cate's, I know I have been reading it, everyday" and then Cate had a new medical personel in her room tonight that we hadn't met before, I said, Hi, my name is Charlie, I'm Cate's dad, He said, Hi, my name is so and so, I have been reading your blog. I was like WHAT! I mean I didn't say that out loud, but I was like here are two people in twenty-four hours that I have NEVER laid eyes on in my life, that are reading my daughters Blog. Cate's reach, her heart, and what she is doing for the power of God are unbelievable, I am so proud to be her daddy, my little evangelist! Ok, this is what i want to leave you with tonight to pray for us. First, i want you to pray for Baby Cate, that her lungs dry out, that her valve stop leaking, and that whatever bacteria has developed in her kidneys just be due to the cathader(sp?). Also that if they do the operation tomorrow that it be SUCESSFUL, it would start around 8:00, I will let you know. Second, I ask that you pray for Ali and I, this afternoon, I will be real honest, after I heard that she had bacteria growing in her kidneys, I felt like I got kicked in the chest, actually, you know what it felt like? Do you remember your first love? Do you remember what it felt like when that person dumped you, well, maybe some of you cool people out there never got dumped, I was chubby in high school, and that hasn't changed much, and had a really bad hair cut, so I experienced these feelings first hand. So, let me put it to you another way if you haven't every been dumped, Do you remember the first time you got your heart broken? There was that pain in your chest, that physical hurt! I felt like tonight, like my heart was breaking physically. I sat in the Target parking lot with Ali, and cried, I told her that, I can't imagine going home without Cate. But, I am am tired of hoping, I didn't say I was hopeless or that I am giving up hope, I said I am tired of hoping. This morning friends of ours brought us communion at the hospital. I asked if they had brought there magnificat book with them, figuring they had, knowing the "good catholics" they were. They had, so I asked if we could read the readings and pray before receiving communion. There was a little meditation in the book after the reading and it was entitled, "Do Not Be Afraid" and this was the last paragraph of the meditation:

It seems to me this is what courage of faith is: it comes from the Lord himself, when we welcome his Word and his sacraments as our light and our truth. It is at the same time audacious and humble, wholly concrete in its works and spiritual in its source, profoundly human, sensible and sweet, and yet resistant and hard as rock.

Lord, BE Ali and I's hope, We seek your sacraments often and have even kicked it up a notch because we feel like we need them even more right now. We are audacious enough to beg you to spare our daughter's life and if necessary to change Your mind if we have to, but we are humble enough to accept whatever befalls us with grace and hope. We have seen hope concrete in the friends who are dedicated to prayer and the random strangers who have showed up to pray with us. We have also seen hope spiritually, where you have spoken to the quiet of our hearts and made us aware of the spiritual battle that rages on. It is as sensible and sweet as our little girl who lay in that bed, waiting on Your healing. And it is resistant and hard as rock and the determination of her Mama and Daddy and the meriad of people who stand with us in your hope for your immediate healing of our Baby Cate.
We love you Lord, BE OUR HOPE! Amen

Bring Out the Big Guns

2008-06-21T16:49:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all. Today was a day of rest for our little family. They left Baby Cate alone all day, well, I say they left her alone, I mean they did not try any operations. They are constantly working her 24 hours a days for the past eight days. Dr. Salazar, her Surgeon, came by today to check in on her. The plan was to try again to ween her off the machine again tomorrow, but he said her lungs still look pretty bad and that her valve needs to stop leaking. He said he can't do anything until her lungs get better, he said he can possibly work on that valve if necessary, but the lungs are going to be up to Cate, with a little help from the staff. He said that he is going to let her rest again tomorrow and to be honest that is fine with me, I don't know if Ali and I can take another stressful day of waiting on news and being let down if its not good, it is just a very difficult thing to go through. He also seemed different today in the way that he talked about Baby Cate being on the Ecmo machine, he said that he has known kids on the machine for up to 30 days, AGGGHHHHH! Doctors, you love them one minute and could squeeze them VERY hard the next minute. Everything else (besides her lungs) on Cate looks fine, her brain is good, well she is a Cantrell, so she does have superior intelligence and is extremely strong willed. Ali said today that we have pulled out the BIG GUNS and we have a "small" altar growning at the head of Baby Cate's bed. It now contains First Class relics of Blessed Seelos and St. Therese (thanks Missy), it also has a really pretty crucifix that one of our couple friends gave us for Cate. I got word today that news of Baby Cate has reached Rome, the Mother Superior of the Congregation of Our Lady of Sorrows was called by one of this sisters that we know. Mother Superior said that she would spread the word and told the sister to get a First Class relic of their Foundress Blessed Elisabetta Renzi and to send it to us, it will be arriving tomorrow, and so the altar grows! Dr. Salazar said he would recommend St. Rose of Lima, that's his personal favorite, I don't know anyone who has a relic of her, so if anyone out there wants to add to Baby Cate's reliquary (just let me know:) My goal is to get is all the way to the top, THE POPE! Ali continues to decorate her room. She has now started take quotes from your comments and putting them on scrapbooking paper and putting them around Baby Cate's room. Becca, Ali's youngest sister, brought Cate a pearl braclet and the nurse put it on Baby Cate last night, so Cate is stylin in the CVICU! Today, was a huge day of confirmations on the spirtual attack that was occuring. It was happening throughout our spiritual family, and I got so many comments and emails about it, so we must remain vigilant and aware of the attacks on our hope and pray strongly against it. Baby Cate is a very strong force for the Kingdom of God at the ripe old age of 7 months. I got an email today from someone who said they had not been to church in a few years except on certain occasions to keep their family happy and because of Baby Cate's journey, went to Church last Sunday and is anxious to go again this Sunday. We also had a comment on the blog from someone who had never prayed and they have started because of Cate, and just so you know whoever you are, your doing it right!!! and that they would be going to church for the first time this weekend. Praise be Jesus Christ now and forever for Baby Cate, she is bring us to our knees and to the love of the Father. I say this because I want to reaffirm the fact she is a powerful force for God and therefore her little life will be under attack, so continue to pray for her protections and healing. Also, the prayer request for tonight, please pray that Baby Cate's lungs dry out SOON and that her valve stops leaking. Thank you for continuing to run this race with us. We love you all.

Awarness

2008-06-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! First and foremost I want to thank each one of you for you dedicatedness to this blog, to our family, to prayer, and to our loving God! Before I can go into what I have to say tonight I need to give you a little background because there are many of you who do not know me and my wife personally or our spirituality. My wife and I believe that the God of all creation reigns in each of our hearts and that if we are to truly and I mean truly live, then we must live out of the freedom that can only be found through that God, who lives in each one of our hearts. Therefore, Ali and I have been on a journey into our hearts to find that God and that freedom for the past few years, and it has been a ride, one that I am glad we have taken and one that we still walk. Now, with that being said, if we believe in God, then we must acknowledge that there is a force that is fighting against that God, and therefore fighting against us in our journey to find that God and our freedom. Ali and I believe that in the life there is spiritual realm that we do not see, but plays an active role in our day to day lives. This may sound strange to you or it may not be part of you spirituality, but it is part of ours and I want to show you, in the unfolding of todays events how an assault can happen and did happen. Actually, let me back up to yesterday, Ali shared with me yesterday, that she did not think it was any coincidence that it was Baby Cate's heart that was not working well. She said, "Charlie, you and I strive to live out of our hearts, to listen to what God is saying in our hearts and to follow that and lead our family from that. It's not her kidneys, its not her lungs, NO, its her HEART." I said, wow, I had never really thought about that. As we got to the hospital this morning, there was a different feel in the air, don't get me wrong, its been a week now, and its been a long week, but up until today we had pretty much been a united front. Ali went and laid down to get some rest and my in-laws showed up as they do every morning, but there was something different about them this morning. I noticed that my mother-in-law cried more than she had in the days past. My father-in-law came up to me and said, "I sure am glad there are alot of people praying, cause I am done, I am pissed off Charlie," too which I understood and felt very similar. As the day progressed and news got worse, I began to see things falling apart. My mother-in-law and I had what you would call a bit of an exchange of words, not really so much an exchange, more me unleashing pure fury on her, my wife and I lossing it at our Baby Cate's beside to the point that my eyes hurt, alot of blank stares all around. I found myself praying that God just take Cate, I asked the Perfusionist if her organs could be used for someone else, I think there was a part in all of us, who threw the towel in, and as I sat in the waiting room I heard the words, "you can't maintain this hope, this is ridiculous, she is going to die," spoken in my heart. Ali, finally went back to the Hotel to shower and have some alone time. I went outside the hospital and just walked and prayed asking God, "what happened today?" And I heard the words, "you were attacked," to which I responded, "ok, I know how to handle this," and I began to pray, I prayed against any evil spirits there were at work in our hearts to steal our hope, I prayed that Christ send down a legion of Angels to surround my wife and defend her heart and that He send down another legion to surround my daughter's bed and fight for her life." I continued praying and thinking and realized, YES YES, there is an attack on us, LOOK AT THIS BLOG PEOPLE, go back and read comments, there are so many comments that are from different people who say they are coming back to Jesus, through this situation. Baby Cate is bringing people to CHRIST!!!! She is uniting a small, but not really that small nation, under the banner of God, and that does not make, the opposing team happy, I don't name him, cause he is not worth the text. Of, course there would be an assault on her life and her family. If we give up hope in her and her recovery then WHO HAS IT!!!! I got back upstairs to the waiting room and there was a large envelope on my computer. It was filled with T-Shirts that a family in Crowley, I believe, had screen printed. On the front it says, Baby Cate's Team and on the back it has the scripture verse "For in Him our hearts have joy; in His holy name is our hope." Psalm 33:21. I pulled my shirt off in the waiting room and put this shirt on. I thought you know what if I give up, if I give in, then I give over the power, and to HELL with that, literally! I am her dad, and I will fight for her to the end, I am going to be her biggest defender and cheerleader. So, I marched into her room, I sat and I talked and laughed with the nurses, we told funny stories, because I wanted her to know that her dad was there, he was by her side and he had HOPE! I got word that Ali was waiting outside the ICU because I had been inviting our family in one by one to talk to Cate and sit and laugh and to enjoy hope. I walked out of the doors and Ali was sitting there, we chatted for a minute and she said, "I feel like I was robbed of hope today" I had not told her any of what I had experienced earlier in the day, THERE WAS THE CONFIRMATION, that what I had prayed against was true! And she said I feel different tonight, I feel like my hope is returning. THE POWER OF A HUSBAND AND FATHER is so important and that has been proved to me over and over in my marriage and in my fatherhood. So, I told her what had happened when I had prayed early in the day and that I felt like I needed to pray against, the opposing team, and that if we lose hope then he wins, and that aint happening under my watch. So, Ali went in to see Baby Cate and to bring joy and hope into that room and I went down and called a team meeting. I gathered our parents up, mine came today, they have been keep our other two crazy kids, and I told them what I felt had happened, that there was an assault on our hope and that we must reclaim it. No matter what happens to Baby Cate, we are a people of hope and NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY. Our reconvened under the same banner tonight, united in Hope and united in the Love of Christ. My prayer request is specific tonight, PRAY AGAINST THE HOPE STEALER!!!! This may not be something you do or have ever done, but I ask it on behalf of our family. And so I end this message of hope by praying; That we, all of us and all of you, come under the banner of Jesus Christ tonight, the hope of the world! We rebuke Satan and all his spirits who prowl the earth, seeking the ruin of souls. We come under the authority of Jesus Christ and the power of the Cross and break any bonds, chains, or agreements that we have made with the evil one. We command them to the foot of the cross where they shall receive judgment and be sent back to hell where they belong. We love you Jesus, you are hope!! And we lift baby Cate up to you tonight and we stand vigilant in that Hope. AMEN
Please pray for us!

Hands shaking

2008-06-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

Its hard to type my hands are shaking so bad. Cate is still on the machine and we didn't even get a base hit today. The valve that brings blood back to Cate's heart is now leaking and her right lung has fluid in it. Its three steps back for sure and a kick to the gut, hard. The fact that Cate's lung has fluid in it takes her off the transplant list all together. Dr. Salazar said that everyone is telling him to not give up on her, he is not, they are not, and we are not either. He believes that Cate will tell us what she is going to do in the next few days, either she is going to come off the machine, or she won't. Ali and I were talking after the meeting and we feel like we now know what Mary must of felt like sitting at the foot of the cross. I now know what it feels like to be completely abandoned to, not by, but to God. We are not at the end of our rope, we can't even see the rope. We are remaining in Hope, we believe in our Girl and we believe in our God, and we know that no matter what we will stand as a family. Continue to pray...

In it to Win It

2008-06-19T20:33:00.000-07:00

Warning Grammar probably stinks, I am exhausted so please bear with me.

That is the saying that our surgeon repeats often and right now that is what we are living by. Let's go on and get the day's news out of the way, Baby Cate is still on the machine, there were improvements, her "squeeze" or the pumping of her heart was better today than yesterday, but her volume of blood was not that great. The problem that still remains is the thickness of her septum wall, which is the wall of muscle in between the two ventricles is very thick, due to its thickness it still remains stiff from the surgery. The cardiologist, Dr. Dreyver, who was in the room today with our surgeon Dr. Salazar said that the stiffness is the last thing to work itself out. He is very hopeful that Cate can kick this on her own, which is very good news, and we are grateful for good news, I told Dr. Salazar as long as she is improving I want to continue with this course of action. The main concern is that she has been on Echmo for six full days now, and although Cate has been compliant for the most part it still is not good for her to be on a machine and so many medicines. They will try again tomorrow morning to ween her off the machine and I ask for hard core prayers, harder than ever before. The reason why I ask for a more intensified prayer is that the clock is starting to run out on us unfortunately. There is only so long that they are comfortable with a baby being on the Echmo machine due to the high risk of strokes, brain bleeds, and complications with her other major organs. Baby Cate's Surgeon and the Cardiologist that was in the room today are still optimistic that she can do this on her own, but the window is beginning to close, BUT THERE IS STILL TIME, and I told both of them that I believe in two things 1) my daughter, she is a Cantrell, so she is a bit stubborn and she will fight like hell before she throws in the towel and 2)I believe in a God who is bigger than all of us and bigger than any medical complication, so I know that He could literally just pass his hand over Baby Cate and she would be healed, to which they both agreed. Now, Ali and I have talked about this for the past couple of days and have decided its time to share it with all of you, our spiritual family. The cardiologist who was in Baby Cate's room this morning was Dr. Dreyver, he is the head of the Transplant Team at Texas Children's Hospital. He was there to take a look at Cate and her heart and to see what the likelyhood of her being a potential Transplant receipiant. We knew that the possibilty of this was coming and have just been pondering it in our hearts. We cannot wait until Cate's heart is not working anymore to start this process. The other issue is right now her brain is good, her lungs are good, her liver is good, her kidneys are good, if something goes wrong on the Echmo, the chances of her being a transplant recepient drop dramatically. So, we must start now, remember the hurricane analogy, well we are at home depot loading up on supplies. Now, with that being said Dr. Drevyer was very encouraged by what he saw Baby Cate's heart doing today and is not giving up on the fact that she may pull through this on her own. He said the best transplant there is today, is the one we never do. As parents, guardians, and decision makers for our sweet little girl we must start looking ahead in the event that her little heart just cannot function on its on. So we met with Dr. Drevyer for over an hour this afternoon, just learning all about heart transplants, what to expect and how drastically our life will be different if this is the road we must walk down. There are alot of issues that go with heart transplants, time of stay in Houston, family seperation, financial issues, rejection of the transplant heart, the possiblity of Cate's life being much shorter than the average kids, things that we never thought we would be facing, but we must, and we are, with hope. I do not want to go into all that transplants entail right now, because honestly we are focused on tomorrow, we are focused on praying for Baby Cate and that she has a full recovery and never has to endure all that comes with a transplant. The reason Ali and I felt like we needed to go to share this with all of you is that if this situation comes to be, I want you praying NOW for a new heart to be made available quickly and a good heart too, not a mean angry heart. If we must cross that bridge I will share more at that time, but for now Ali and I want to concentrate our prayers and attention on the next seventy-two hours, that is what we need. I know that all of you have been faithful to us and to our family and I ask that once again you kick it up a notch, we are now down to the wire and I believe that we can and will be faithful to the call that God has so so deeply place in so many peoples hearts to pray unceasingly for our Baby Cate. Let's make sure that Cate doesn't have to have a transplant, we believe in the God of Hope and Faitfulness and we stand firm in that belief and ask that you stand with us. The operation to ween her off should begin around 8:00am tomorrow morning and will be a couple of hours. As soon as I know something I will let you know. We love you guys very much!

Family Request

2008-06-19T11:05:00.001-07:00

Greetings, We do not mean for this to sound rude to anyone who has come by to visit and offer support, but right now Ali and I are asking for no visitors at the hospital. We have just had very dramatic news given to us over the past few days, and all the energy that we can muster is dedicated to Cate, each other, and making decisions that will effect our family. We ask that you please honor our request at this time. Thank you so much. I will be writing a blog later this afternoon after we have received and processed some more information from the Doctors and Surgeons. It is very important and we will need your prayers to strongly continue.

Pray Hard

2008-06-19T04:22:00.000-07:00

Greetings from the TCH 17th Floor waiting room, its 6:22am I am sitting watching a huge sun rise of the city of Houston. Everyone elses life if beginning out there, there are more cars on the streets and more horns honking. It feels like everyone elses life is going on as normal and ours hangs in the balance. I don't have many words this morning I really just wanted to ask you to pray. I am sure you get tired of hearing me say that, but we are running out of chances. I woke up this morning saying, This is the Day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad and that is my Declaration of Hope this morning. They are going to attempt again to ween her off the machine around 8:00am, this will be one of the last chances from what I can tell. Please brothers and sisters in Christ pray just a little harder. Know that Ali and I love you and as soon as I hear something I will let you know.

Big Sigh, but not of Relief

2008-06-18T14:41:00.000-07:00

That's right, she is still on the machine, let's go on and get that out of the way. Now, with that said, Dr. Salazar said there were alot of improvements today. He said that he is very encourgaged by what he saw, but still does not feel that her heart is able to pump on its on and wants it to rest more. I believe that they are going to try again tomorrow morning, so we need to continue the rally, I have my rally cap on as I write this message, literally, I think the "new" people think I have lost my mind, but who cares, I am still rallying. It was a hard pill to swallow today, but our chins are still high and Dr. Salazar is hopeful. He said he has seen kids get better on the fifth day, seventh day, and even the eighth and so Ali and I stand knee deep in hope and we must wade out just a little farther. As they looked at Baby Cate's heart again today, everyone that has looked at it has said they have never seen anything like her heart before, that's comforting uh?? There have been numerous cardiologists and even the chief of surgery said they have never seen a heart quiet like Cate's. The average kid Baby Cate's size would have a heart the size of a plum, her heart is about the size of an orange due to the thickness of her muscle tissue that has built up over the past few months. This is part of the problem with her heart not pumping correctly, because it was in surgery for so long and not beating for so long, what they call "klamp" time the heart became very stiff. Dr. Salazar believes that with another day or two or three it could very well do the trick. Now, with that being said I have to once again call for some serious prayer and I mean serious. We had to have a hard talk with Dr. Salazar today. He, as the Surgeon must look beyond today or tomorrow. He informed us that they have to start looking at other options if Cate's heart does not recover. They cannont wait until day seven and then start preparing for these other options. The best analogy I can give is, and you Louisianians will probably better understand this. It's June, which means hurricane season is upon us. It's the time we start getting batteries, bottled water, gas for our generators, and canned good in case a hurricane hits, we may have a quiet season and not need any of those things, but we have to be prepared in the event that one would strike our area. Well, that is what is going on with Baby Cate right now, they are having to get other options and other teams lined up in case Baby Cate's heart does not recover. So, we are going to have start meeting with other Doctors and Surgeons to prepare for these possible events. These are options that no one wants, but options that we are forced to start considering and planning for. Please Please pray that Baby Cate's heart will kick back in and these plans will never have to be put into motion. If these events are put into motion we will, at that time, then begin to keep you all informed on the new procedures that we will be pursuing.
Now, my two God stories for the day. First, We were planning on attending Mass here in the hospital because they have it on Wednesdays at noon, but due to the length of Cate's operation today and meetings that followed we were unable to make it. We were a little dissappointed that we were unable to receive the Eucharist, especially today, but we were called into duty as parents so unable to attend Mass. Ali and I sat and had tearful conversations for a while after meeting with Dr. Salazar and then proceeded to go upstairs to see our precious Baby Cate. We rounded the corner heading to the elevator and we nearly ran into the Catholic Chaplian of the hospital Fr. Noble. He was shuffling some papers through his hands and asked, Are you the Cantrells? I immediately figured he wasn't with the IRS, that would be low, even for the IRS. We said yes we are, he told us that he had just come from praying with Baby Cate and asked us if we had a good support network, I kinda laughed to myself, thinking Father, if you only knew. We told him yes and that we had friends who had been bringing Communion to us. He told us that they had Mass on Wednesdays here in the hospital, we told him that we had all intentions of going, but due to consultations were unable to make it. He asked, Do you want to receieve Communion, Our eye's lit up, Ali and I both said in one voice, YES, he pulled the pyx out of his pocket and said, well, let's do this. Again, Jesus coming in the middle of the storm! The second run in with God, was after we went to see Baby Cate we were heading down to get some lunch in the Cafeteria. We got on the elevator and there was only one gentleman on it, which is odd, the elevators are usually full during the day. I stood looking at the buttons on the elevator because I couldn't figure out where we were going, so my lovely bride hit the button for me, to which I replied, I don't even know where I am going in life. The guy behind me looked at me and said, "Then you need to strike a match, light your candle and get back on the path, and if your on the path that everyone else is on, your on the wrong path." Ali and I both just stopped in our tracks looking at this guy and him looking at us. The door opened and we got off. There was a resolve that fell into my heart, not an easy resolve, but at least a resolve. God is in our midst and we are seeing Him move. Just continue to pray that we may be sustained by Him during this time. We love you all, thank you for your continued support and for running this marathon with us, please do not let Baby Cate or us go, you will never know how encouraged we are by your messages and support. We love you all!

The Ride of our Life

2008-06-18T05:22:00.000-07:00

Warning this is kinda raw:
Greetings, I wanted to write to you all with a prayer request, again. I know that you are all praying and I ask you to continue, but today I ask for an intentional prayer for Baby Cate's mom and dad. Are we faithful, yes, are we full of hope, yes, are we tired today, yes. This has truly been the most scary, exhausting, and emotional experience of our lives and marriage. You always see commercials on TV or read article about this kinda of thing happening to people, and you never think it could or would happen to you. Its different to be the one sitting in the waiting room, waiting, waiting on news, waiting on change, waiting for improvement. Everytime the "black phone" rings in the waiting room, you throw up in your mouth a little bit out of fear of the worst. Everytime you have a consultation as you walk in the consultation room you begin immediately trying to read the face of the Doctor or Nurse who is meeting with you. It is tiring, last night I think Ali and I both hit the wall in terms of emotional exhaustion. I went back to the hotel and she went down to the Ronald McDonald House and we both had the same experience, anger, sadness, desperation, each alone, crying to Father, cursing at imaginary people who frustrated us during the day, and wishing this was all over. As a parent, you just want to see you child smile, you want to hold your child, you want to smell their sweet breath on your face, and you can't, and you don't know when you will be able to again and the possibilty is more prevelant than ever that you might not, don't mistake that as a loss of hope, understand it as when you are face to face with lossing a child, it is a horrifying experience, one that I hope you never have to experience, and if you have you understand. I don't have the energy to hear that people "understand" or "know" how we feel or make some comparison to some activity going on their life. I feel like I am incapable of "bull-" you know what, I don't have the capacity at times to be gracious and so I don't answer my phone because I don't want to say something to someone that I will regret. Please, I know this is pretty raw, but Ali and I were talking earlier this morning, and she was saying I don't won't to give people a false impression of where we are at, we are not always raising our hand and praising God, that there are moments that we are face down on the floor in the waiting room crying and begging for the little bit of comfort, peace, or good news. This is a road that I never thought I would have to walk down and one I hope I never have to again. Ali and I are a united front, but there are moments that we lose it with each other or those around us. As we sit in the waiting room this morning, waiting to hear if our child's heart will be able to work on its own, we are tired and its only day six. Knowing that we have weeks ahead of us is incomprehensable right now. We miss our other kids, we miss the day to day activities like cutting the grass, washing dishes, doing the laundry, sitting in the living room with the roar of our kids running and laughing around us. I know that this may be hard to hear, and I don't want you to take it as a loss of hope, because its not, but it is reality and Ali and I don't want to be anything but honest with all of you, because we need you. Ali asked if you, our spiritual family, could pray for her for stamina and energy. As far as daddy goes, I want peace and graciousness to those who reach out to us. We love you guys and we need you. Ali and I both felt like this needed to be said, we did not want to project any false sense of reality, but always want to be truthful with who we are and where we are at. Again, I reiterate this is not a loss of hope nor a lack of faith, it just the road we are walking and the marathon we run.

Short and Sweet, But Very Important

2008-06-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

Greeting to all we are just quieting down for the night, Ali and I are emotionally and physically whipped today, but trying to not complain about it, there are alot of people who have been here ALOT longer than us, so please pray that our hearts may continue to be gracious, it doesn't come easy after 6 days with little sleep and the emotional ride of you life, and seeing your child lie motionless on a table, but we truly desire it and so Ali and I ask you to pray with us for graciousness and peace. Dr. Salazar is going to try again in the morning to ween Cate off the machine, he is more confident than I have seen him in a while. So, we are once again petitioning you to pray, to knock harder, to tell God that we are really think that this a great idea and there are ALOT of us who think the same, so jump on board! Ok, folks exhaustion has now offically set in, I just told God to, "Jump on Board." Please Please pray I will write more when my brain is functioning at its normal capacity of 37.5761%. I love you, PLEASE JOIN US IN PRAYER tomorrow morning at 8:00am. I will update you as soon as we hear something. God Bless you all!!! Good night!

Crack in the Throne Room Door

2008-06-17T07:30:00.000-07:00

YOUR PRAYERS ARE WORKING, but we are not done yet!!! The procedure this morning went very well. The surgeon is very encouraged, by Baby Cate's progress. He said that the left ventricle looks ten times better than it did on Sunday. He is not ready to take her off the Echmo machine yet. He said that he could, but she would only limp along and the amount of medication they would have to give her in order to strengthen her heart, he is not comfortable with. All the medical staff in Baby Cate's room for the procedure agreed that another day on the Echmo is the best decision for Baby Cate. Dr. Salazar said that Babies who are getting better, get better. He said that her brain, kidneys, liver, and all her other major organs looked great and that she is responding well to the Echmo. He told Ali to continue reading to Baby Cate, that it is good for her, needless to say that earned me a slap on the shoulder and a, SEE I TOLD YOU SO, from my lovely bride. He is very encouraged by todays results, but we are not out of the woods. We will need to bang just a little hard tomorrow morning on the throne room door and let God know that we are not going anywhere, that like many who have gone before us, we are standing firm in faith and in Hope! They will try to ween her off the Echmo again tomorrow morning so let's remain vigilant in prayer and once again convene at the door to Throne room and push in harder. Thank you, Thank You, Thank You, be ENCOURAGED by today's results and do not let your hearts be trouble for today is a day to Rejoice in God's faithfulness, Ali and I are rejoicing and we ask that you rejoice with us and We thank and praise you God our father for your faithfulness to your people. The message of Baby Cate has reached the ends of the earth, literally, thank you to all of you in Australia, Croatia, France, England, Hawaii, China and Ireland who have joined us in prayer for his beautiful little child. God Bless you all today, know that Ali and I are praying for all of you, we are offering this time of suffering for you and your intentions. We love you and ask again, remain with us and Baby Cate, let us finish this marathon locked arm in arm. We remain in His Love.

Converging on Heaven in the Morning

2008-06-16T20:10:00.000-07:00

WOW WOW WOW, I was telling Cate this afternoon how many people are praying for her and that she is a pretty famous little girl, she just laid there humbly and took it all in:) You really don't know how encouraging it is to Ali and I to read your messages of prayer, support, and encouragement. In the moments where we have to just sit and be quiet, both of us are at our computers just reading your words of love, usually crying, saying did you see the one from so and so, or did you see the anaymous prayer from anaymous, funny, whoever you are, and thank you for praying. Ali and I are beginning to get a pace, just beginning, but at least we are beginning, more and more people are telling me I look tired or just bad, things get real honest in the CVICU waiting room, one of the mom's even told Ali today that she noticed that Ali's hair was getting rather oily, it really is the funniest thing. Its like a common bond that you form with these people who are walking the same road you are walking. Its kinda like being at a retreat, your tired, your emotional, you sleep really close to people you really don't know to well, you eat junk that you normally wouldn't or shouldn't, you are VERY honest with people, and there is always coffee, that tastes REALLY bad by the end of the day. Ali came back to the hotel for most of the morning and afternoon, showered, to which everyone noticed when she got back, and slept. I pulled the day shift with the aid of, the mother-in-law, and I even got to take a nap at the Ronald McDonald House in the hospital, God Bless Ronald McDonald, please go by a Big Mac tomorrow and support the cause, and Ali got a room there tonight so she will be able to sleep in a bed ALL BY HERSELF!!!
Ok, so prayer request then a couple of God showed up today stories. Ok, folks, we need you to put your rally caps on tomorrow morning. We need you banging on the door of the throne room. Let's let God know that we are not going away until he hears our prayer. They are going to try again tomorrow to ween Cate off the Echmo machine. The procedure should start around 8:00am and go till about 12:00pm. This is Cate's second swing at this. She still is having some irregular firings of her electronic system in her heart so we are just going to have to see how this plays itself out. But, we need you praying and praying hard for her little heart to kick back into motion on its on. So, tell everyone you know to please be praying at 8:00am, you definitley can start early, she wont mind and we won't either, but let's focus our energy and attention on the time she is in the procedure.
God showed up big in two ways today, that we saw, he probably showed up more than that, but due to exhaustion He has to YELL in our face or we don't notice. First, a dear friend of mine sent me a text message last night, I think, days kinda bleed into each other, asking what do we need, that she was willing to bring anything, I asked for a sleeping pill and a forty ounce bottle of Old English, to which she asked if I was serious cause she had both at her house, just kidding. I really took some time and thought about what we really needed right now...the EUCHARIST! I sent her back a text message and said asked if she could make sure to have the eucharist delievered everyday to the hospital. What more could we need than the Bread of Life! So, I got a text message this morning from another friend of ours saying that he and his wife were going to bring Jesus in the Eucharist to us this afternoon! They showed up, we sat and visited and then he pulled the pyx, which holds the eucharist out of a little case. We stood and prayed and recieved our savior and calmer into our bodies and hearts, it was awesome! Later in the evening Ali and were sitting with some friends who came to visit and these two ladies approached us and asked if we were the Cantrell's, to which I replied, it depends, are you with the IRS, they said no, so we pulled up chairs for them. They explained that someone they knew in Arkansas had called them and told them about Cate and us and that they felt compelled to drive from Magnolia, Texas, which is probably about an hour away, to PRAY WITH US. These ladies did not know us, they did not know anyone who was related to us. They just felt called to come and pray with us. That sat and talked and prayed with us for probably 30 minutes. They asked us if we had any intentions that they and their Church could pray for. We had a few, but one of them was that they pray for all of you who are supporting us through your prayers, so know that you all have a Church in Tomball, Tx praying for all of you and your intentions. When we were all finished we all hugged and they got up and left. What disciples! Thank you Jesus Christ for the many ways that you are making yourself known to our family, you are faithful to us and we will be faithful to you!!!
Please remember to pray tomorrow morning from 8:00am-12:00pm. As soon as we know something we will update you all. We love you more than words for your love for our little girl and your love for us! We remain faithful to our God as we run this race!

Day of Rest for Cate

2008-06-16T06:47:00.000-07:00

Greeting to all of you! Ali and I are sitting in the CVICU waiting room both typing on our computers, kinda feels like we're back in College, tired, wearing the clothes we had on yesterday, drinking bad coffee, but not to much, just a cup or two, not a POT or two, feeling like we just got hit in the face with a two by four. Today they just want to let Cate rest, they really poked, proded and moved her alot yesterday. The plan is today to just leave her alone and let her rest. Her oxygen levels in her brain dropped over night, still at a safe level, but about twenty points lower than it was yesterday morning. They said it was probably just due to the amount of stress she went through yesterday. Its back up this morning to where it was to before they messed with her yesterday. She has developed a little arythmia and her heart rate has dropped pretty low and they can't figure out why. They are talking over the possiblity of putting her pace wires in so that they can regualte what is going on with her heart. Ali has taken to decorating Cate's room. It really is quite funny, there are pictures EVERYWHERE, I keep waiting for her to ask the nurses if they could moves their equipment so she could bring in some potted plants and a fake ficus tree. Yesterday, after decorating Ali took to reading to Cate, because Cate is very advanced for her age:) the reading selection is, The lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, by C.S. Lewis. Yesterday when Ali was reading to Cate, Cate started moving and was trying to open her eyes. Out of all of our children Cate is the most OBSSESSED with her mother. It really is the most endearing thing to watch when we were at home, Ali could walk in the room and Cate would literally hurl her body towards her mother so she could just watch Ali. She would just sit and stare at Ali until she could catch Ali's eye and then she just erupts into the biggest smile. It really is one of my favorite things, Cate can't even concentrate on eating when Ali is around, which for a Cantrell is a very strange occurance. Ali, had the opportunity to witness to one of the nurses last night, thats my girl!!!, We have a 1st Class relic of Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos on Cate's Bed right next to hear hed. Cate's nurse asked last night what it was, so Ali told her the whole story of who Father Seelos was and how we got turned on to him, and why we ask him for his prayers for Cate. It was awesome, the nurse was tearing up and she told Ali that she was going to go do research on the computer to find out more about Fr. Seelos, my wife ROCKS!!!!! I wanted to share with you all a vision that I had last night. After i posted the blog yesterday afternoon I was was just reflecting on my words and request that you remain with us because we need you. I was immediatley taken in my mind to Garden of Gethsemani, where Jesus spent his his Agnony in the Garden, and I could hear the words, Will you stay awake with me for one hour. He knew it was his hour and he knew the road ahead. We don not know the road ahead but we know that their will be life and resurrection, but we must remain in the garden of agony for now, and so I know that my sweet Jesus, understands our agony. I know that he knows our hearts, the pain, the fear, the surrender, and he understands my plea to my friends, because He too uttered the same words. Isn't our God awesome that he can come to us and has experienced what we go through in this temporal life? We are comforted to know that there is Ressurection, that there will be life again. And so we wait and we pray for this is our Hour.

Please sign your name at the bottom of your post, so we can know who you are, unless you have a need to remain anoynamous

And the Storm Rages On...

2008-06-15T13:23:00.000-07:00

Greetings all, I have to be honest I write this blog with tearfilled eyes. First I want to say that our faith is unshaken and our Hope is strong! Disappointed, Yes, but not Afraid! The operation this morning did not go as we had hoped. Cate's heart is not ready. Neither one of the ventricals are pumping like they should. The right ventricle is not pumping correctly due to the large amount of muscle that was removed, but the left vetricle could have been one of two things: 1) its just simply exhausted from the surgery or 2) that there might be some coranary artery issues. He ordered a Heart Catheterization which is where they inject dye into her blood and take pictures of her heart. He said Coronary Artery is fine, which is really good news, we don't need another surgery right now, but at the sametime its frustrating cause it means that we have to wait longer and we are still not completely certain what is going on. Yes, Cate is still on the Ecmo machine and a ventilator and will be for the next couple of days for sure. The surgeon wants her heart to rest for a couple of days before they try anything again. The words its a marathon are ringing very true right now. We have only been in this for 3 days now and it feels like a month. We are tired, dehydrated (by our own doing, DANG YOU STARBUCKS) and hungry, something that I don't frequently experience, and this is only day 3. This afternoon Ali and I's emotions have been running wild, I sat on the bed at the hotel and cried, LOUDLY, for fifteen minutes, I just want to see her smile, I want to hear her laugh, I want to feel her little hand on my face, but I can't and that is just hard right now. I know that we are in the best place we could be, so I have to take some comfort in that. I know that all of you are praying deligently, and I am grateful for that. Our friend who is a fellow here at TCH came by on his day off when he heard about how the morning went, He has been calling getting updates on her. He took one look at me and said, no more coffee, 2 large bottles of water, 2 larger bottles of gatorade, and you need to go to bed right now. He asked me how much sleep i have gotten since friday, I thought about it, 6 to 8 hours, he said GO TO BED. He said, your little girl is on the "circuit" that is shoptalk for the Echmo machine, he said she is on cruise control right now, does it suck, yes, is there anything you can do, no. He reminded us again that this is a marathon and we must pace ourselves. I think we are going to take the evening to rest, thank you all for your comments, you really don't know how much they mean to Ali and I, they truly give us encouragement right now. I have to be ask a huge favor, Please do not forget about Cate or Us, we need you, in a day, a two, or three, we will still be here and we will still need you praying for Baby Cate and Us. Ali and I have said on many different occassions that we have truly felt your spiritual support and we will continue to need it in the days and weeks to come, so that is my request, please be deligent with us, because we NEED you! Our faith is not Shaken by todays events, Our hope is not weakend in the least bit! Today as we got the news that Cate was going to have to stay on the machine and tears filled my eyes I looked through the glass doors of the waiting room and there stoody Deacon Ed Gosline, a dear friend of mine's dad, and he had in his hand a pyx with the Holy Eucharist in it, it was like in the midst of the the waves crashing in, there was Jesus, my calmer. I walked over and just cried on Deacon Ed's should as he held the Eucharist close to my heart. So we will remain faithful to our faithful God. I got to see Cate a few minutes ago and she looks beautiful. They cleaned her up and put a little blanket under her, so you know what, the world is good. My girl is resting, her heart is resting, and before long her mommy and daddy will be resting. We love you guys, please stay with us during this time!

Quick Update

2008-06-15T07:02:00.000-07:00

They just called from to let us know that they are just getting started, its 9:00am

Good, just a little Tired (physically that is)

2008-06-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

Well, day 2 is coming to a close. Your prayers were answered it was a pretty "boring" day, just what the surgeon prescribed! Our parents got to go in and see Baby Cate for the first time today, she remained steady throughout the day. I made the mistake of saying she was "stable" while in her room and the nurses looked at me like I was stupid and that didn't notice that my child was on a ventilator and that her pulse was a flat line. They said, "Charlie, I would'nt say she "stable." So, I simply explained to them that if she wasn't stable, they weren't doing their job and I was cutting their pay by 50% until they could get her stable, to which they laughed and kept on working. Cate has two full-time nurses at her bed 24hrs a day. She kinda has alot going on with her all at one time. The Doctors and Nurses at TCH in the CVICU are some of the most knowledgable, deligent, patient, and encouraging medical personel that I have ever met. If the surgeon says he was her blood pressure at 40/over whatever, if its 41 they are frustrated with themselves until they can get it right, and they usually figure it out within a couple of minutes. Cate had some blood drainage problems from her chest today, probably from when Ali was singing to her and Cate about flung herself out of bed, to which she got a quick shot of sedative, needless to say Ali didn't sing to her again today. They did an ultrasound on her brain this afternoon and everything was CLEAR!!!! I am not sure if that means they did not see a brain, which she is my daughter, it might just be hard to see, or there was no swelling or bleeding, I am going assume it was the latter of the two. Dr. Salazar came in this afternoon to see about the bleeding problem, he and his crones cleaned house in Baby Cate's chest and then left her alone. Now, here is where the serious prayer request begins so pay close attention. Tommorrow morning Cate will be with the Surgeon and his team again. They will begin around 8:00am. They are going to try to ween Cate off the life support and see what happens. They will allow her heart to fill with blood because right now it is completely empty. Our hope is that it will begin to pump! If it does they will sit back and watch it pump for about an hour, monitoring it very closely. Most kids who are on the Echmo machine are on it for 3 to 5 days, by tomorrow morning Baby Cate will only have been on it for a day and a half. The surgeon turned the machine down a little this morning to allow a small amount of blood into Baby Cate's heart this morning and it began pumping, so he wants to see what will happen tomorrow. He said he will not leave her off the machine if he is not 100% confident that she will be able to manage on her own. He also said that we should not be dissappointed if she is not ready yet, she may need more rest. This procedure will take about 4 hours. So, from 8:00am-12:00pm we ask that you pray and you pray HARD!!! When the procedure is done I will post an update on the blog to let you all know what the outcome was. Dr. Salazar told Ali and I that we needed to take a break this evening and rest, I think he could see that we were both exhausted and he has confidence in the team in the CVICU to take care of Baby Cate. Ali and I got to go to dinner, OUT SIDE THE HOSPITAL, our family stayed back in case they called the waiting room for us. Ali and I relaxed, had dinner at one of our favorite resturants and then headed back. We stopped in kissed our sweet angel good night and are taking the night to get some sleep. Before I go I wanted to tell you all what happened today to Ali, because it is too amazing to make up and we both know that it was a confirmation from our Loving Father! As you know the title of the blog this morning was "Let the Storm Rage!" Ali's sisters, Jenny and Becca, showed up this afternoon from Louisiana. They went in to see Baby Cate and then they made Ali go outside and take a walk with them, just to get out of the hospital. They were walking down Main Street in front of the hospital and there was a Bible on the ground a ways in front of them and the wind was literally ripping the pages out the Bible. There were pages of scripture just blowing in the wind. Ali stopped and picked ONE page off the ground and this is the first thing that she read:

On that day, as evening drew on, he said to them, "Let us cross to the other side." Leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat just as he was. And other boats were with him. A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat, so that it was already filling up. Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion. They woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Quiet! Be still!" The wind ceased and there was great calm. Then he asked them, "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?" They were filled with great awe and said to one another, "Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?"

Praise to you Jesus Christ, Our Calmer of the Storm! As the seas rage in the life of our family we know with CONFIDENCE that you are at the head of our boat. We love you with all of our hearts and we place ALL of our trust in You! And most of all we place our sweet Baby Cate in your hands. Thank you!

We love you all! Please keep praying! Our Heavenly Father is confirming your prayers today!

Let the Storm Rage!

2008-06-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

"Be relaxed and resigned. Let the storm rage until it is raged out, even if the waves break over your head. You will merely be washed, not drowned. To be sure, you must accept it graciously, if you have to swallow a few mouths full of bitter sea water. Afterwards, God will again give you sugar." Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos

As the storm of medical personel hover over Cate's bed and the storm rages to keep her stable, her mom and dad, family and friends will stand firm and let it rage. Her Fr. Seelos relic was in surgery with her yesterday and is next to her head in her bed right now. We wait and we ask for the sweet taste of that sugar from God, however He chooses to deliever it, right now I would take it in a Starbucks Coffee to be honest, but however is fine with me. Ali and I got to "sleep" from about 3:30am till about 6:00am. Then we were back at Cate's side, we have to pace ourselves, its a marathon as I said, and we are at the beginning. Cate is still on the Echmo, which is the life support machine, so she is not having to do anything on her own, it is all being done for her. She did wake up this morning and they quickly put her back to sleep, but the surgeon said that her waking up is a good sign of brain activity. There were 10 doctors in her room this morning meeting about Baby Cate, they used more letters and numbers than I could count or keep up with, but our surgeon tells us to keep our eyes on the Big Picutre, not the shop talk, that they do. Cate got her gums and tongue brushed and a quasi wipe down by one of the sweet little nurses this morning. The surgeon wants a "boring" day today, so that is your prayer request for today. He wants Cate's heart to just relax and lay completely flat today, it went through so much yesterday that he is just not ready to ask it to do anything on its on. He said possibly tomorrow morning they will bring her back in the operating room and slowly take her off the support machine to see how her heart responds, it just all depends on how the next twenty-four hours go. I will let you know if it happens and what time that will be and ask your full prayful attention to that time. Ali and I are doing well, seriously. Our confidence is in our God and we are not afraid of this storm. We stand hand in hand, with each other, and all of you. Your comments of love and support are extremely encouraging during this time. We laugh ALOT, its the only way to stay sane right now. We feel the grace from the prayers of all you, so please keep them coming, and as I said this is a marathon, please stay with us, we NEED you, and I mean that! As I sat in Cate's room this morning I prayed for all of you and offered this time of suffering that God may hear the intentions of your hearts individually. We love you very much!!! I will update again today.

Clinging to Jesus

2008-06-13T23:22:00.000-07:00

Wow, if you would have asked me last night how tommorrow would go, I would have told you, without a hitch. Its like taking tonsils out at this place. They do this all the time. As many of you know my last request was a begging, and Ali and I are still on our knees. Cate's surgery, which was supposed to last about 4 hours total, from pre-op to post-op, ended up being 12hrs. Dr. Salazar said in all the surgeries he has done which is about 250 per year, he has never seen anything like this. He said that when they did the echocardiogram this morning they had a much clearer picture of what was going on in Cate's heart, then they had ever had before. And it wasn't a simple procedure he thought he was facing. I will not go into all the details because of lack of sleep and pure shock, but Dr. Salazar had to work on Cate's Pulmonary Veins, Pulmonary Artery, the two holes in her heart, work on the pulmonary valve and carve, literally carve out her right ventricle because it was almost completely shut because the muscle in was so thick. By the time he got finished doing all of this, Cate's little heart was absoluted in shock. He put her on a machine called and Echmo machine, which is the same as life support. He does not want her heart to have to work at all, because of how much it went through today. His hope is that she will only have to be on this machine for the next few days. They left her incesion open instead of stitching it up because they will have to go back in there to remove all of the tubes and to reconnect her sternum. He said he is confident in the surgical part of day, he said the rest is up to how Cate's heart will respond. There are some very serious fears, of which I will not metion, but believe me when I say they are serious, she is no where near out of the woods. We need your prayers for her now more than ever, this will be a marathon, and not the sprint we were expecting. Your emails, text messages, comments on the blog are so appreciated and your prayers are felt, and I mean that. Ali and I are holding up, as I said, I truly believe we are just in shock right now and we need our spiritual family shaking the gates of heaven on Cate's behalf, our behalf, and our other two beautiful children at home. I want you all to know that Ali and I will be remembering all of you and offering up this time of trail for you, our family and friends. As I went to laid down last night, I prayed for every person the uttered a word of petition to our loving Father on our behalf. We love you all more than we can put into words and our gratitude for you is placed at the feet of Jesus. I will keep continue to keep this blog updated so please keep up with Cate's progress. We remain clinging to Jesus in sweet surrender.

Hit your knees please

2008-06-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

Cate is still in Surgery there are complications with her ventricles, they are not responding properly. She will be in surgery for another couple of hours. Please pray...Please call anyone and everyone you know and ask them to pray. We will update you as soon as we know more.

3rd Consultation Update

2008-06-13T15:44:00.000-07:00

We just got a call from the operation room. Cate is doing well. The were able to leave her valve alone!! Praise be Jesus Christ! The had to put a piece of conduit in her pulmonary artery to widen it. HER HEART IS BEATING ON ITS OWN!!!!!!!!! She is still on the heart/lung bypass. They are now putting all her chest drainage tubes and pacemaker wires in, just to get and keep her heart on a natural rhythm, until it gets used to beating again, it has not beat for almost 7 hours now. Dr. Salazar is complete with the repair and should be finished up with all the finishing touches and sewing her little chest back up in about an hour and half. We will have a consult with him when its all said and done. Praise be Jesus Christ, Thanks sweet Loving Faithful Father, and thank you wonderful Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos! Once we talk to the Dr. and Cate is in the CVICU I will update you all.

2nd Consultation Update

2008-06-13T13:52:00.001-07:00

Alright, we met with Doris again just minutes ago. Everything is still going well. Cate is still on the heart lung/bypass machine. They have closed the two holes in her heart and were able to use her own pericardium, which is the sack which her heart sits in, so they did not have to use any artificial material. Dr. Salazar is looking at the Pulmonary Valve right now. He is concerned that it might not be work well enough. He is not sure. So there is a possibility that they will take her off the bypass machine to see how the valve will work now that the holes are repaired. If it does not function at a level he is satisfied then they will put an artifical valve in. The bad thing about that is that putting an artifical valve increases the chances that Cate will have to have another surgery in the years to come. The nurse said it will definitely be 6:00pm or after before they are finished up. We should get another update around 5:00pm. Ali and I are doing very well! Our Father is faithful and Cate is a fighter, we have alot of faith in BOTH of them!!! Love you guys....KEEP PRAYING!

1st Update Consultation

2008-06-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

Doris, Cate's nurse came to give us the first update at approximatley 2hrs 30min into the operation. Cate is now completely sedated, the have opened her up and she is now on the heart/lung by-pass machine. They are now assessing Cate's defects visually and how they plan on repairing them. They are giving 6pm as the approximate finish time. We will have another update in approximatley 2hrs. Pray HARD PLEASE! Love you!

Game On

2008-06-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

Cate was taken back into surgery at 11:15am. Will give you all an update soon! Pray for Dr. Salazar, other doctors, and nurses!

Circling the Airport

2008-06-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

The nurse came in about 8:45am and told us that Cate got bumped from 1st up to 2nd spot. So it will be at the earliest between 10:30-11:00am before they even bring her in to pre-op. Please pray for her, she is hungry and she is a Cantrell,
we are not pleasant people without food in our bellies! Love you guys

Waiting Game

2008-06-13T05:23:00.000-07:00

hey guys,

Just wanted to give you brief update. Its 7:30am they came in
at 6:15am and told us they were coming to get us. So, we are
running a bit behind schedule. Once Cate is in surgery I will give
yall an update. Thanks for th prayers keep them coming. Baby
Cate was doing good till about 20 minutes ago when she realized
that she hasn't eaten since 11:30pm last night and that her crying
is not getting her feed, so she is a little upset right now. Pray for
a full belly for her sake!

Good Day

2008-06-12T17:03:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all, we are quietly sitting in our room before our families show up for a visit so I thought i would send you all an update about Baby Cate's day. We arrived at Texas children's hospital at 8:00am this morning. We were immediately taken and given massages and spring facials, SIKE. We were immediatley taken to get an EKG, then Chest X-Rays, Bloodwork, meetings with the Nursey Practioner for anastesiology, a Physicians Assistant to the surgeon, a childlife specialist, and went on a tour of the 3 floors that we will be on while Cate is here at TCH and this was all before 12pm. So, needless to say it was a very busy morning. We ran into a friend of ours who is in his Fellowship in Cardiology here at TCH, just a great connection with a close friend who could explain everything and answer anything us dumb cajuns still didn't understand. He even stopped by our room tonight just to make sure we were feeling good about the day and to give us his number in case we had a freak out session during the middle of the night. God is amazing, he has gently calmed our fears and reminded us that again he is here and we need not worry. Ali, Cate, and I went and got some lunch down in the food court and then went back up for our 1:30 appt. with Dr. Salazar. While waiting on Dr. Salazar, Cate's favorite nurse of the morning came and got her, took her around to everyone that was working to show them how cute Cate was. Everyone we met today said, we're not supposed to say this, but she is absolutely beautiful. We were like, yeah we know. Then Dr. Salazar came in, I think my wifes heart went piter pater. He was awesome! Very clear, very calm, told us like it was. He said you know I can say with 97% certainty that everything is going to go smoothly tomorrow. He said, would you like a 1 to 3% chance something might go wrong or 50/50. I said I would chose the 1 to 3%. He agreed, so I think we are going to go shoot some hoops later and we will probably be friends. Yesterday as we were driving here I got to thinking about Blessed Xavier Seelos and how he has been with Cate for almost her whole life now. I decided that I was going to go out on a limb and ask Dr. Salazar if he would take our 1st Class relic of Fr. Seelos into the operating room with Cate. So, as we were wraping up our meeting today, he said, You can send Cate into surgery with her favorite blanket, bear, bunny, whatever, and I am thinking HERE IS MY CHANCE! I said Dr. Salazar my wife and I are devout Catholics and Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos has been our intercessor for Cate since we found out there was complications in Utero. We have a relic that we would like to send in to the operation room with you all so that he can physically be there with yall. He smiled, he said, "In the morning ask the anastesiologist (sp?) if that would be ok, actually just kinda insist that it has to go in with her. In fact, tell them that Dr. Salazar said that he is going to put it on his Loups Box, which is the instrument that holds the magnification glasses I wear during surgery. And you've got to tell me what they say." I was like YES, mission accomplished, Fr. Seelos, will be with Cate in the operating room! Fr. Drew Wood, my old boss/pastor from St. Laurence Parish in Sugar Land, Tx, came by tonight to see us and Cate. We gathered with our family in the hospital room and we all prayed for Cate, the Surgeons, Doctors, and Nurses who will take care of Cate during this time. it has been a great day and a great night. Ali and I are truly at peace right now and out trust is in our Heavenly Father, who has had Cate in the palm of his hand, since the moment of her existence. It has been a long day and we are all tired, but NOT CATE, she is wide awake, pulling on the IV that is in her foot and rattling the metal bars of the baby bed she is "resting." The phone calls, emails, and text messages are ALL appreciated and encouraging! We are keeping track of all of them so that we can tell Cate in a few years from now all the people who were thinking and praying for her. So, if you were her to know that you care about her at all you better send her a note, hehe. We love you all and ask that you say a special prayer about 7:45am tomorrow morning this is when the surgery will begin. The surgery should last until about 12:30pm. I will update you all as soon as I can. With that I sign off in sweet surrender of our beautiful family to the arms of our Loving Father.

Alas!

2008-06-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all! Wow, its been seven months already! Its hard to believe that we are in Houston, just a mile away from the Hospital. Its as though we are on the edge of the battle ground, waiting for orders to proceed. The order have come and the time is now. This is what our family and all of you have prepared and prayed for for the past seven months. Today was a little more difficult than I expected. We talked to our kids on Sunday evening about Cate's operations and they were fine with it, in fact they asked if we could leave the next day. I wasn't sure how to take that, so I decided it was that they were just excited about "sleepovers." As my mother inlaw showed up this morning I was compeletely overwhelmed with emotion, of course holding it together until they were down the road and I was in the bathroom by myself, then the floodgates opened. They were fine, happy as could be on their way to a playdate and a couple of weeks without the ironfist of their dad. We are staying at a very nice hotel just down the street from the hospital thanks to the generosity of some of our wonderful family members! Ali unpacked everything and I went to the grocery store, you know, good cajuns can't be without their essentials: Coffee, food, cold beer...Ali, I can't get her off the stuff...hehe. Today is my bride's 30th Birthday, so I am taking her out to her favorite resturant in Houston with a couple friends of ours. Cate begins the process of approval for surgery tomorrow morning at 8:00am. All goes well, they will admit her tomorrow afternoon and begin to give her fluids for surgery Friday morning. I will be updating the blog at least daily . Please pray for her, Ali and I, and our two other wonderful loving kids, Ella and Dude, and the wonderful team of nurses, doctors, and surgeons. Off to dinner, love you guys, check back tommorrow!

So Close!

2008-05-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

Well, we got a bit of frustrating news on Friday. Texas Children's called and said that they were going to have to postpone Cate's surgery until the following week! I am a bit frustrated but what are you going to do. The surgery will be on the June 13th, as far as I know. I won't be able to talk to anyone about it till tomorrow. They were smart and called the house on friday instead of calling my cell phone, which the ALWAYS do, and no one will be back in the office until tomorrow. I guess they wanted me to have time to throw stuff and get my anger out before I talked to anyone there. Please pray for our little family as surgery gets closer things have gotten a little more tense around here. We are trying our best, but its just time to get this under our belt! Thanks Love you guys!

Breathing a Little Easier

2008-05-13T13:05:00.001-07:00

Greetings to All

This has been a journey as many of you know, is one that has had its ups and downs,
sometimes it feels like we are running down hill, more that up, but God is good and has been so faithful to our little family that we will continue to give Him thanks and praise for his faithfulness. I wanted to give you all a little update on my day today. I had found this organization called, "It's My Heart" about a month back. It is a non-profit organization that is out there to support children, adults, and families who are living with Congenital Heart Defects. They have a great website if you would like to check it out it is www.itsmyheart.org they also have a forum where people can post messages and get feed back from survivors and families. As many of you know my luck on the internet has not been very fruitful in terms of positive feed back or stories, well a guy named Jeff responded to my post concerning any advice or good things to know about going into surgery at Texas Children's hospital. Jeff has a 14 month old son who has had two open heart surgeries at Texas Childrens, so Jeff has had his fair share of experiences at Texas Children's. Our children have different heart defects, but we will share similar expereinces and emotions in the fact that we will watch our children being rolled off into an operation room and having to trust them to someone else care. Jeff sent me a message explaining his situation and said to give him a call that it would be easier to explain over the phone. WOW, what a blessing this guy was, is and probably will continue be to our little family. Just very down to earth, very clear, and very very informative, not to mention very positive! God plucked him right out of the sky for this little cajun boy! He walked me through the process step by step and gave me some really good, "what to expects." He also told me that he had heard Dr. Salazar, who is the surgeon who will be operating on Cate, speak at an "It's My Heart" monthly meeting and he said that he was awesome. Extremely intelligent and very empathetic. I thank God today for Jeff and his family!
I had called this morning to find out what EXACTLY they were doing in the surgery, because Ali and I still didn't totally understand, as terrible as that sounds, its simply the truth. We have just kinda put our faces to the wind lately and tried to just keep our family above water, but Ali and I were talking last night and we both were like, I don't really know what they are going to do, I mean, I know they are going to "repair" her heart, but what does that mean? So this morning I called our nurse Laura and she explained as much as she could to me, and said that she would have Dr. Salazar contact me later in the week, well, he called me within 2 hours of Laura and I talking. He has a WONDERFUL bedside manner and was very clear and very positive on Cate's condition and surgery. Dr. Salazar said that on a scale of one to ten, ten being the most severe, Cate is a three or four, he said, "Now, this is a serious surgery, its still open heart surgery, but we have alot experience with this and our success rate is one of the top in the country. He said that the surgery should take around 4 hours, half an hour of prep, three hours of surgery, and half an hour tear down. He said that he is very hopeful that this is the only surgery Cate will ever have to have. Now, there is no garuntee to that but he seems pretty confident in his work and the success he has seen with this operation. He also said that Cate might only be in ICU for one or two nights, then on the cardio floor for a three or four days and then she would be discharged. He said that he would want us to stick around for three or four days and then we go home. He said, "Look, you know if your baby is sick, if Cate is not acting right, just call me and if you need will come back here and see me. It was a wonderful conversation and I feel just a little more at peace about trusting this total stranger with the precious gift of our daughter.
Jeff, the dad I spoke to this morning, told me about a website that he found very helpful and after looking at it I had a MUCH better understanding of what Dr. Salazar is going to do on Cate's heart. I wanted to share it with you all
so that you too could have a better understanding of Tetralogy and the surgical repair they are going to do. Above the diagram of the heart their are the words Flash Movie, if you click that you can actually see a a diagram of a normal
heart and a diagram of a Tetralogy heart right next to each other. There is an arrow button at the bottom that points to the right, this will move you through a series of slides that shows the repair that the surgery will do.

http://www.cincinnatichildrens.org/health/heart-encyclopedia/anomalies/tof.htm

It was wonderful to have two very positive experiences today. Are we still nervous, YES, are their days that I want to shake my finger at God and give him a piece of my mind YES, and if I could spare a piece I might, but I can't I need every little bit of it I have right now, so I don't. But today God, you gave this little family another break, at least for today, and you know what, I'll take it! Thank you for your faithfulness to our family and for knowing what we need to hear and hand picking the people to deliever it. We praise and thank you again for your faithfulness. I surrender my family to you and we, Ali, Ella, Dude and I, lift our daughter and sister Cate to you in sweet surrender! Amen

Surgery Date Set

2008-04-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

Greets to all! Well, we have a surgery date set!!!! Texas Children's got back with us recently and said that June 6th will be Cate's surgery date. It was a joyful and difficult day with just the reality of what our beautiful little girl will have to go through, but at the same time knowing that we have a date and the first leg of this journey will be through is comforting. The nurse that I spoke to said that we will go in on June 5th, we will meet the surgeon, they will do some testing on Cate to make sure that she is up for surgery, and then they will admit her in order to begin preparing her for surgery the next morning. After surgery she will be in intensive care for 2 or 3 days and then moved to the cardio floor for another 4 or 5 days for monitoring. After that she will be discharged and we will stay in Houston for another week, just in case something should happen we are close to the hospital. Our hope is to stay at the Ronald McDonald house which is just right down the road from the Hospital, it is very inexpensive, close to the hospital, they have shuttles to and from the hospital, and hey, who doesn't like McDonald's? So, it looks like we will be in Houston for a couple of weeks at least at the beginning of June. Cate is doing wonderful! She is eating baby food now and loves it, and again, she is a Cantrell, we all love food. She is getting bigger by the day, kinda like her dad, and is probably our most joyful baby yet. She is such a special kid and so joyful, we are blessed to have her as a part of our family. While in the hosptial I will be undating Cate's Blog on a daily basis so please keep up with her progress and keep her and her family in your prayers. I spoke with a Family life specialist at Texas Children's who gave me some really good suggestions on how to talk to our other two rugrats and I feel much more confident in how we will handle them regarding the sisters heart defect and her surgery. I put up some new pictures of her and the other two on our flickr account, www.flickr.com/photos/cantrellkids check them out if you get a chance. Thank you for all the prayers and support, we feel them and appreciate them. She is not out of the woods yet, so please do not stop. We love you all and appreciate you so much!

Just some feelings

2008-03-13T12:17:00.001-07:00

Greetings all, I am sitting at my desk trying to work and just having a difficult time focusing. Its just one of those days, they don't come that often but when they do they are difficult. To be honest this blog is not going to be that informative as much as it will be expressive, probably more for myself than for you the reader of just what is going on in my heart.
Ali and I had a date Tuesday night and it was AWESOME, good food, good wine (always a great ingredient to a date night), amazing company, and great conversation. We were sitting outside one of our favorite restaurants chatting about our kids, how much we love them, how different they are, how much they love each other, how different they love each other and how differently (not in a less than more than sense) we love them. We got onto Cate and her relationship, as simply as it is, with Dude, and my heart was just overwhelmed with love. I love my children more than words will ever be able to express. I love them very uniquely because they are very unique individually and require to be loved in different ways. Ella, just makes me laugh, she is all girl, and ALL my wife made over. Dude, is what my mother probably prayed I would have as retribution for the years of hell I put her through. And then there is Cate who I just feel a special connection with right now. Her and I can sit up in bed and "talk" and she just smiles and coos back at me. I feel like I can make her smile like no one else, whether that is true or not is irrelevant really. I can't get enough of her right now. I want to kiss and hold and love on her all the time, not to say I don't want to do that with my other two, but they are often too busy with "their own lives" or each other. For the sake of ending this rambling I just love that little girl!
Today I took her to get her ridiculously over priced shot that she must get once a month to prevent RSV and as I sat in the Doctors office my heart was just overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of what this precious little girl will have to endure. It’s difficult to think of doctors stopping her heart and putting her on a heart/lung bypass machine to keep her other organs functioning and for hours operating on her little heart and then the weeks and weeks of recovery she will have to endure. I went looking on the internet for solace, probably my first mistake, and found some book of mother’s essays of children with Congenital Heart Defects. There was this one story I knew I shouldn't have started reading as soon as I read the title, but I did anyway. This woman’s child was born with a serious heart defect and the child ended up not making it. As I sat at my desk with tears streaming down my face, ok more like a quiet sobbing, my heart just broke at even the thought of having to say, "goodbye." Now, Cate does not have the same defect as that child nor is her case severe by any means. But it is a potential reality we must face.
The only thing that continued coming to heart repeatedly was, "My grace is sufficient" and I know this, I want to believe this with all of my heart, but today my humanity struggles. It does not struggle with the, "Why Cate?" or "Why me?" it just hurts and is fearful of what is to come. But, what Cate has taught me and what I am wrapping my life around right now is to just enjoy today. I have today, the surgery is not today, we don't have to make any drastic decisions today, we just have to enjoy our family, today, with all of its craziness.
God has been revealing to my heart that I need to give Cate back to Him, not only in death, but in life. I have wrestled with this thought for quite a while now, but its time I start. My spiritual director posed the question to me as I shared these words that I felt God was telling me, "When was she ever NOT His?" To which I said, that looks real good on the pages of a Theology book, but when it’s played out in real life its different, but in the end his question was true. I think God is trying to teach me something about my fatherhood, that I must on a daily basis give my family back to Him, not only in moments of crisis, but everyday, so that when those moments of crisis come, I respond not in fear or desperation, but naturally. So, today Lord, I give my family to you today, I give Ali, Ella, Dude, and yes even Cate over to your divine protection and love. I entrust them to you and I trust that you will give me what I need to be a husband and father to them. I love you Lord, help me to Love you more.

Good News Tempered with Reality

2008-02-27T09:52:00.000-08:00

Greetings to all! Well, we arrived home from our appointments at Texas Children's hospital yesterday evening and I promised you guys an update. First and foremost, thank you all for the prayers and support, our family could not do it without yall. It is truly overwhelming to Ali and I the way that our family and friends have rallied with wagons around us during this difficult journey.
We got to the hospital about 8:30am and we're quickly brought to the back where Cate would be sedated for her testing. She was a little cranky because she hadn't eaten since 4:30am, you know us Cantrell's, you can take alot away from us, but don't mess with our food. She took the medicine like a champ and within minutes was sleeping like a baby, haha, cause she IS A BABY! We were then taken to the room where the Echocardiogram would be performed, the gentleman who did the testing was very nice and explained everything we were looking at, and somehow we still didn't always understand his medical lingo, but we definitely had a better idea of what was going on. Cate was originally diagnosed with Tetralogy of Fallot and an Incomplete AV canal. After the echo yesterday they were able to determine that she did not have Incomplete AV canal and the her Tetraology was a mild form, all good news for which we thank and praise God, who is so faithful!!! After about an hour of taking pictures of her heart they finished up the Echo and quickly did an EKG on her. By this time the sedation was starting to wear off and she was waking up. We brought her back to the room where they gave her medicine originally and she was able to eat. She quickly sucked down a cold bottle, bless her heart and went back to sleep. They then took a couple of chest X-rays and ushered us into and examination room where we were going to meet with the Cardiologist. He came in and sat down with us and began explaining all the results of Cate's tests. He was very clear about what was going on and like any good cardiologist drew us some pictures on a napkin. He then said we could begin the process of scheduling Cate for surgery. Because she is doing so well there is no immediate rush to surgery, which we were grateful to hear. We asked what surgery would entail and he began explaining the process. Since, Cate's birth we have always "known" that she would have to have surgery. It was just alot different yesterday hearing the seriousness of the surgery. It’s hard to hear the stark reality of what will happen to your child and what she will have to go through at such a young age.
We felt good as we left that we had a plan and that things were going to get rolling to get baby Cate's heart working better. But, it was a quiet ride home for Ali and I. It is just so much to rap your head around that it truly seems overwhelming at moments. We learned yesterday that Cate will spend 3 to 4 weeks in the hospital in Texas and that is if everything goes smoothly. That the shock on her body will take longer to get over than we had originally thought, realized, or allowed ourselves to think about. We have sheltered Ella and Dude from Cate's condition because we did not feel that it was something that they needed to worry their 4 and 3 year old minds about, right now. Well, now we have to let them in, age appropriately, because Mommy, Daddy, and Cate, will not be around everyday, as they have been. Questions began to fill my mind, Where will we stay, what will I do about my job, what about our other two children, how will they deal with this, how will Cate's little heart and body handle the surgery? All questions that have to be answered in due time. Ali and I sat in the quiet of trying to process all of this as we drove home yesterday. We know that the answers will come in their right time. We know that God will give us the wisdom to make the right decisions for Cate, for Ella and Dude, and for each other. It is a gift that we are not having to make these decisions in an emergency situation, but we have time to seek the face of God and what His plan is for our family. We have time to seek counsel, from people who work with children whose families are in difficult situations. We have time to talk to our parents about how the logistics will work with Ella and Dude. All in God's time the questions will be answered. He has brought us and Cate this far, our Faith and Hope are in Him who strengthens us and makes all things possible. The path was laid out for us yesterday, know it is time to start coming up with a strategy.
We ask of you, our family and friends, to pray for Ali and I, that we may seek God's desires for our family first and not act on emotion or pressure. That we may seek His wisdom and the wisdom of others that He puts into our life to aid us on this journey. I ask that you pray for Ella and Dude, that they can wrap their little heads and hearts around what our little family will endure as we journey together through this. And finally I ask that you especially pray for Baby Cate, that this surgery go well, with no complications, and that she can return to our family quickly and healthy. We know that we have a tough road to travel ahead of us, but we know that no matter what, God's grace is enough. We love you and thank you for your support and encouragement of our family!

I know I know I know

2008-02-07T10:19:00.000-08:00

My wife has been on me for a LONG time now because I have not written a blog. And to be honest I don't know if anyone is even reading it anymore, but I figured I would write one anyway, just to have peace at home. Baby Cate turned 3 months old today! I can't believe how time flys, it seems like only yesterday we were in a world wind of confusion, fear, and the unknown. Now, we are still in a world wind, but it has change quite a bit. The adjustment of going from 2 kids to 3 kiddos has been relatively smooth. Although, I often have moments of sheer panic as I think we have forgotten Cate at the house, grocery store, a family members, or friends. In our house if you don't speak up for yourself you might get left behind, unfeed, unchanged, not put to bed. Of course I am just kidding...a little. On a more serious note Cate has exceeded everyone's expectations. She is truly a delightful child, mainly cause she can't talk back or demand to wear stockings instead of socks, because the "lines hurt her toes." But truly she is a wonderful baby! She eats like a Cantrell that is for sure. She is up to 7 or 8 ounces every 3 hours and when she is hungry she begins the battle cry for attention. Its is kinda like a car starting, she turns the crank just a few times to see if anyone will notice before kicking it in high gear. Like I said around our house, you HAVE to make yourself known! She is weighing in at a whooping 12 pounds and is growing like a weed! She looks just like her Big Sister Ella, so I am going to have SERIOUS problems in about 15 years. If anyone is interested in contributing I am starting my own version of "homeland security" for the Cantrell House complete with Booby Traps, Tazer guns, and Gun Cleaning supplies because it looks like I will have to clean my guns EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT!! Baby Cate has started responding to you when you talk to her, she gets so excited kicking her little chubby legs and showing all her gums. Her last cardiologist appointment was great! She is consistantly gaining weight, her blood oxygen levels are 99% and her EKGs look wonderful. We are in the process right now of trying to get her an appointment at Texas Children's Hospital for a second opinion and even to start seeing a Cardiologist on a regard basis there, before she has her surgery.
As most of you know who have read this blog before Baby Cate, whose full name is Catherine Francis, was named after Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos, who was a redemptious (sp) priest who worked in New Orleans. The Blessed Seelos Shrine has a newsletter that goes out monthly and includes stories from people who have had prayers answered through the intercession of Blessed Seelos. I got a call from the friend of ours who told us about Blessed Seelos, saying that Cate was in the Newsletter. I was like, Really? That's cool. Andrea said, "Charlie, you didn't send it in?" I was like no, I sure didn't. Someone who had read this blog, especially the one about Blessed Seelos's intercession for Baby Cate, had copied it and sent it in to the Newsletter. It did not say her name or anything, I guess cause no one asked, but I could tell by my spectacular writing style that it was in fact Baby Cate. We were so honored to know that so many people from around the world know of Blessed Seelos's intercession for Cate and the miracle it is that she is with us today. His candle still burns in a kitchen everyday and we attribute her doing so well to his constant intercession for little Cate. Ali and I attended a healing mass that they had a the Shrine in New Orleans, where Baby Cate was anointed and prayed over! Thank you Fr. Seelos and all the wonderful people at the Shrine of Blessed Seelos! And to whoever sent in our story!
Please as Blessed Seelos's intercession that we can get an appointment soon at Texas Children's Hospital. We don't won't to have to be making any quick decisions if something were to happen to Cate. Our hope is to get an appointment soon so that we can get under the care of a physician there.
So for a few funny Cantrell Family stories. My little boy, "Dude" is in the middle of potty training right now, which is quite and experience. Little boys are SOOOOO different than little girls. When our little girl Ella was being potty trained I simply pointed to the potty, she got on and that was that. Dude, on the other hand can't seem to locate the bathroom. I leave cherrios trails from every room in the house all leading to the bathroom, I know he will follow food, but even that doesn't work. The other day we heard crying coming from the bathroom and out from the bathroom emerges our son, yes, with his training potty STUCK ON HIS HEAD! Now, what posseses a 3 year old to stick his head in his potty, I have NO CLUE, but he had managed to wedge his fat little head in there, thank God it was empty. Dude, LOVES his little sister, ALOT, it really is precious how he just delights in her. I do fear the day she is in High School and boys won't ask her to a dance because they are scared of him. I always picture the conversation to go like this, Boy 1 says to Boy 2, "Hey, You gonna ask Cate Cantrell to the homecoming dance" to which Boy 2 says, "I've been thinking about it, but have you seen her brother? Jimmy told me he eats light bulbs." Dude, loves Cate, he often wants her to be near him so we have to keep a close eye on him at tall times. The other day we found him dragging Cate by her blanket because she wasn't close enough to the toys he was playing with, thank God her mother swaddles her tightly and we no longer put her on the floor and she is always buckled into to something heavy. Ella, on the other hand is still growing into the fashion diva and is a 17 year old trapped in a 4 year old's body. Its hard to believe we will be registering her for preschool this weekend. This past weekend was Mardi Gras and we, as any good cajuns would do attended, da parade. We were at a friends house that was toward the end of the parade route, so it took a while for the parade to get there. The kids played in the yard and in the van until we saw the first police motorcycle go wizzing by. We gathered up the kids, grocery bags in hand, if your not from Louisiana, you put all the "wonderful" beads you catch at the parade in a grocery bag, and we headed down the street to the parade route. Ella asked, "Daddy, what are all these people doing here?" I told her they were waiting on the parade like us. Well, in good parade fashion, it was no where near close to getting to us. One rouge police motorcycle got us all excited. After about 15 minutes Ella was bored out of her 4 year old mind and the grocery cart man with all the junk that will cost you an arm and a leg for something that mommy and daddy will "lose" in a couple of days, was coming towards us, so I asked her, "Baby, do you want to go back and I will come and get you when the parade gets here? She said yes, and we started walking back to the house hand in hand. She looked up at me and said "Dad, all those people are waiting so patiently for the parade, and I just want it to be here already! Will you come get me as soon as you see the parade." I assured her that she would not miss one float of the parade. Well, needless to say, put a cute little Blonde on the side of a Mardi Gras parade yelling "Throw me something Mister" and they did, we literally had mounds of beads at our feet, by the time we left we had a kitchen bag FULL of beads, stuffed animals, you name it and they threw it at Ella.
The Cantrell's are doing well over all. We have our moments of tiredness and exhaustion as anyone with 3 kids under the age of 4 has, but we are savoring every minute we have with all of them. They are a riches, they are what make us laugh the most, and what we delight in. I apologize for it being so long since the last Blog and it won't be as long before the next one. As soon as we hear some more from Texas Children's I will update yall. I also will be getting some new pictures of Cate up in the next week. We love you, we thank you for your continued prayers and support as we walk this new journey with Cate. Blessed Seelos, Pray for Us!

Just so you know

2007-12-13T06:57:00.001-08:00

I just put up new pictures on the flickr account from Ella's 4th Birthday Party and some new pics of Baby Cate. Also there is a new (by new I mean I wrote it Monday) below. To check out the pictures go to www.flickr.com/photos/cantrellkids

love yall

Hard to Believe

2007-12-10T17:32:00.000-08:00

As I sit and listen to the noise of a baby swing going back and forth and the sound of little feet running upstairs, with the occasion scream, both from my wife and my other two deliquents, trying to wrestle them into the bath tub, my heart is at peace with the world. Well, Baby Cate turned a month old on Friday. It doesn't feel real, since she has only been home for 2 weeks. She is adjusting FINE to the craziness in our house. Yesterday (Sunday), I was cooking some deer meat for my family to feast on and she was in the kitchen in her swing screaming, at the top of her little lungs, nothing was wrong, she was crying, hungry, dirty, nope, just screaming for the sake of screaming, all DNA testing that I thought about went out the window at that moment, I knew that that was a "pure D" Cantrell kid. She really has been doing very well, she is eating well, sleeping well, well any parents out there know that the word "well" is completely relative and changes tremendously when you become a parent. She seems to be gaining weight, don't know for sure, just because we do not have a scale here, who needs one, they just stress you out anyway. She really is just a great baby, the kind of baby I like, can't move, sleeps alot, doesn't talk back, and eats whatever you stick in their mouth, without complaints. I wish all kids stayed that way, till 21, now there's an idea, I might start a novena for that one. But, seriously, Cate is really doing well, it seems. We go back to the Dr. next week, so I will be updating you on her condition again soon. Ok, so what most of you come here for besides Cate. I seriously get so many comments about our family, and I do not make any of it up, it is to good to make up, and I am a pretty creative person.
The other night we were at a surprise birthday party for a friend of Ali and mine, when Ella asked if she could go to the potty, I said sure let's go. We are sitting in the bathroom, Ella, taking care of business and I am sitting on a stool, when she looks at me and said, " You know Dad, I love these shoes, this skirt, and this shirt together" at that moment I realized that I was going to broke in the next few years, I have a daughter who is EXTREMELY fashion conscious, at FOUR, and another one who came out costing more than my house, just kidding.
Dude, has taking a liking to his sister, one that we must watch CAREFULLY. He has this wooden sword that my mother-in-law, GOD BLESS HER, I love you Cheryl, bought him at the ripe old age of 2. Now, I realize that the many books I have read on raising boys and the masculine heart are true. We found our son the other day, stabbing his ONE MONTH OLD sister with his sword, saying, "I kill Baby Cate," people, we don't watch violent cartoons or movies or regular tv for that matter, I have never threatened to "kill anyone," I might say "damn" every now and then but, I have not been known to threaten to "kill" people, so I have NO idea where he gets this stuff.
Dude was running through the house the other day with his toy gun, yes he has toy guns, he is a boy. Going BANG BANG, Ella and I were sitting on the couch watching this fiasco and I asked Ella, "Ella, what do you think he is shooting at?" She responsed saying, "Deer, daddy, he is shooting deer. I like to eat deer. Sure wish you would kill one soon" Yes, my four year old gave a serious shot to my pride as a deer hunter. So this past weekend I finally killed a deer, brought the head, only the head home. The kids come running to the back door to see the spoils that daddy has brought home. Daddy, is proud of his kill, to which my loving daughter says, "Daddy, that is a small deer, sure wish you would kill a big one" Typical woman, NEVER SATISFIED, they are hard wired from birth, just like little boys.
Final one, then I have to call it a night. I get home the other day and am greeted by the usual screams of, "Daddy's home!" Give hugs and kisses, they go back to playing, Ali and I are chatting in the kitchen, when I see Dude pass heading towards the laundry room, no big deal, nothing sharp, deadly, poisoness, or bone breaking in there, so Ali and I continue talking, after a few minutes I notice its pretty quiet in there. I proceed to the laundry room to find our cat eating quietly out of her bowl and our son, laying down on his belly, licking the water out of her bowl. To which Ali and I did the good responsible thing, laughed, to which he thought was funny, therefore it will happen again! Well, my wife just yelled that my son is peeing down the stairs.
If Baby Cate can survive here, no heart defect will even have even the remotest effect on her! Well, until next time, thank you again for the continued gifts that have flowed into our house and all the thoughts and prayers. We love yall!