tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43455436177419899422024-02-20T07:22:59.690-08:00Baby Cate's FamilyA Family's Journey Into Hope: We are not searching for an outcome, but a way of life.Charlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.comBlogger103125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-58450387769720333662015-10-06T17:26:00.002-07:002015-10-06T17:26:44.243-07:00Untitled MemoriesI am not sure what led me to Cate's page today, there is a part of me that if I am honest, it is still to painful to re-live those moments in my life, but I know they are out there and I am drawn to them like a moth to flame. I know she is in a "better place," but am I? Ali was making plans this week for us to celebrate Cate's birthday next month, it is hard to believe she is going eight years old. There is such a part of me that wishes I could see her, hold her hand, hear her sing country music in my truck, just like her big sister Ella does so often. Ali and I often laugh, not always joyfully, about how "busy" we are, although truthfully no quotation marks are needed or how tired we are at this stage in our family's life, running kids from school, dancing, football or baseball games, but I'd give anything to be a little more "busy" and have to make one more trip to the dance studio to pick up another leotard wearing cutie pie.
I was having lunch with a dear friend of mine the other day and as we sat in a busy lunch spot in Lafayette we talked about life, love and family. I shared with him that sometimes I still wonder if it was all real, did it really happen that our sweet Cate was gifted to us, even as briefly as it was. I also told him that it's a wound that I have not allowed to fully heal because the pain/lonesomness is sometimes the only thing I can still "feel." It was the first time I had admitted that out loud to anyone besides Ali. My friend gently reminded me of words I had shared with him after a tragedy in his own life, "Be gentle with yourself." I know its not "right" or "healthy" but it is what I have experienced and I don't know if you ever "fully" heal, until the day you are reunited with your child in the loving embrace of our Heavenly Father.
I looked today at the statics of who has viewed this blog, what countries they are from and what posts were read most often and I have to think that this is one of Cate's beautiful legacies. That mothers and fathers from around the world can read her journey and hopefully know that if they find themselves in a similar situation/storm, that they are not alone. Have we done it perfectly? NO, it has been a winding, zig zagging, backtracking and sometimes crawling on our hands and knees journey of hope. I look especially at my two big kids, now almost 11 and 12 years old, and what wonderful, loving, compassionate and strong kids they are and I have to believe that is another of Cate's legacies. She taught us to pull together as a family and to defend each other's hearts with a fury second to none. I also look at my bride and wonder how a woman of her...her...I can't find a word that encapsulates "her," she is a special occurrence in God's Creation and poor thing chose to pick me, but that is another time and place. Her mother's heart is a beautiful realm, one of fierce love, untamed compassion and an ability to be most honest with herself, with myself, our kids and her close friends. I have more respect and admiration for her, than she will ever know and she is the person I am most thankful for in my life on earth, because her presence in my life challenges me to be a better person.
I am not sure why I felt the need to write this blog or what the purpose of it is, I just wanted to do it. It connected me with Cate and a part of the journey that was really special and powerful. I love you sweet Cate and await the day I see you again.
Much Love,
Charlie Charlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-16512779109043038582010-11-16T10:24:00.000-08:002010-11-18T08:09:40.823-08:00Sunken FootstepsSometimes it feels surreal, sometimes I sit in our backyard and look at the spot where the baby pool sat and the laughter could be heard so sweetly and it all seems like a dream that just continues to replay in my mind's eye. I often ask Ali, "do you have days where you ask yourself, was that all real?, Did that really happen to Cate...and to us?" Sometimes it seems so far away and then some days, the pain is so fresh and tangible it’s like the days and months after our sweet Cate left her earthly body and began a life that we thirst for.<br /><br />Cate's birthday was on November 7, she is 3 years old...it's weird to think about sometimes. It's weird to think about what our life would be like if she were still alive, what would she be like, what would she sound like, what color would she have and then other questions arise in my heart, what would I be like? What would Ali be like, What would Ella and Dude be like? Sometimes death can leave you with more questions than answers, we, as believers, have heard all the clichés and they don't seem to sit right with you...when they are directed at you. As a husband I always knew that mother's had a connection with their babies, that term is regardless of age believe me, I was my mother's baby until the day she drew her last breath, but it was not until we began this journey through our grief that I began to see the depth of a mother's love, commitment and unity with that miracle that she carries every so gently in her womb. <br /><br />I have often thought about Mary at the foot of the cross but to be honest never really pondered the depth of her sorrow and agony that she must have experienced that dreadfully beautiful day. As I watch my precious bride journey down this path it is one of the most difficult things that I have ever experienced. After 2 years, I know there is nothing I can say, there is nothing I can "do" and that I simply have to trust that if she feels like talking she will and if she doesn't...she won't...so STOP ASKING CHARLIE! I often see our sweet Mother Mary shine through her as she continues on in her daily routine as her eyelids can barely contain the flood that wants to just rage out of her broken heart. She quietly puts her face to wind and continues on this journey showing our family what it means continue to serve even when it hurts, when you don't want to, when it almost seems like you can't even lift your hands up. <br /><br />One of the things about Ali that has always intrigued me and really drew me to her was her simplistically beautiful spirituality, it wasn't heady, overly pious, overly traditional or overly complex, it was simply...beautiful. I can remember her talking about praying when we were dating, she said, "You know Charlie, I don't pray like you do, whenever I am walking (exercising), I picture Mary walking along side of me with her hair in a ponytail. She said, I pray my rosary and I just talk to her, like a friend." I remember that day, thinking WOW, I wish I could stop all my overthinking and start simply participating. Through Cate's death, well let's be honest, I still haven't stopped, it’s not in my nature. I overthink EVERYTHING, which is probably why my stomach is a wreck, but my stomach problems are another blog. I have thought about who did this, who didn't do that, who said this, who said nothing, why God did this, why God didn't do that, should I have made this decision or that one and on and on and on. All these thoughts can completely preoccupy my time, attention, and even my energy.<br /><br />On the other hand, I watch Ali, who may at times have the same thoughts and questions, but she handles them so differently, she is a mother. She will love on our kids, do their homework with them, get them bathed and ready for bed without saying a word, then I’ll ask her how her day was and you’ll see the pain flash like lighting in her eyes and she’ll say, “I was real lonesome today.” I’ll wrap my big goofy arms around her and just hold her, sometimes, it’s the only thing there is to do. If that would have been me, I would have come home sat on the couch, felt sorry for myself, probably yelled at Dude and then felt bad and gone to bed, but not my sweet precious wife. She encompasses what it means to be a woman of God, I believe she treads in the sunken footsteps of our Mother Mary. She would never say anything of these things about herself, so I’ll say them for her because I am so proud and lucky that she is my wife and so grateful that she is the mother of my children. <br /><br />So this is a thank you to you Ali, you are amazing and I love you more than words, to my mother, and all the mothers out there who choose to follow the selfless path of the Sweet Virgin Mary, may she take you by the hand and guide you down whatever paths you may find yourselves on in life!Charlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-80531159181272959292010-02-26T10:32:00.000-08:002010-02-26T10:33:14.646-08:00Only the LonelyLet me start off by asking you an honest question and do not just answer right away, really take a minute and think about it, are you lonely? When we hear the word lonely we think of someone sitting in front of the television with a pint of Bluebell ice cream, some of it on their shirt, some of around their mouth, most of it already in their belly, watching a sappy romantic movie or maybe star trek and wishing they had a significant other to do something with. That is usually the picture modern day media paints as someone who is lonely, but that is far from being the only definition of loneliness. As you think about that question, are you lonely? You might think, “no, I’m not lonely, I have a great spouse, great friends, great kids, a great job, a great social life, a lot of friends on facebook…I’m not lonely.” You might have all of these, any combination of these or even one of these and think I’m not lonely.<br /><br />In the meditation book I am reading right now Nouwen talks about two types of loneliness. The first being an “emotional loneliness” which is important but more on the surface, i.e. “the need for friends, family, and home.” The second is a little deeper it is one that is there even if we have some or all of the above mentioned things to fill the “first loneliness.” The second loneliness is one that cannot be filled by any of these things because it can only be filled by one thing, the love and intimacy of a relationship with God our Father. As I read the reflection this morning and began to pray, the question that popped up in my heart was, “What am I filling that loneliness with?” There is a natural desire in all of us that when we feel a sense of loneliness to begin to grab at things that this world provides to either distract or numb this yearning that is deep in our hearts. Honestly, I think most of the time, because it has become so habitual for us, we do not even realize that we are doing it to fill that void. It become such a part of our life that whether it is getting on facebook every five minutes to see what other people are doing as not to feel lonely, eating as to fill a spot in our hearts that yearns for comfort, pornography to satisfy our loneliness, empty sexual relationships that leave us feeling more empty the next morning than we felt the night before, the use of alcohol or drugs in order to just completely numb this feeling of loneliness, or it might even be buying things we cannot afford in order to feel excitement and fulfillment, when in two months when the “next great thing comes out” we will need whatever that is too. <br /><br />The list can go on and on and it is a very personal list. It is something that if we step back from our lives and take an honest look and ask ourselves the question, “Am I lonely” the answer is ultimately a resounding YES. Here the thing though, the loneliness that I speak of is NOT a bad thing, in fact it was placed in our hearts by our loving Father in order that our hearts may always have a longing for Him. Nouwen says in the meditation, “It is important for us to dare to welcome the fullness of our second loneliness…In a way, this loneliness opens us to personally know the true God.” Our effort should be that we begin to readjust our thinking from a fear of loneliness to a welcoming of it. As we begin recognize this loneliness not as a bad thing but as a stepping stone that allows us to touch the heart of God, we can begin to transition “from Fear to Love” as Nouwen put its.<br /><br />As we end the second week of Lent journeying towards Easter can we stop for a few minutes and take a long hard look at the loneliness that permeates from the inner depths of our hearts and not be afraid of it? Can we be honest with ourselves and really ask the question, what am I filling this loneliness with? And that question is followed by, is it truly working? The priest who celebrated Mass on Ash Wednesday at the Church I attended posed the question, “Will I be the same person on Easter Sunday that I am on Ash Wednesday?” It is during this time of Lent that we concentrate on purifying our hearts and our lives from the things that keep us from truly experiencing the fullness of God’s love and acceptance. May we take this time to rid our lives, not all at once, but a step at a time, of the “things” we are trying to put in place of a true, deep and intimate relationship with our loving Father!<br /><br />Much Love,<br />CharlieCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-52665232946899754162010-02-25T09:18:00.002-08:002010-02-25T09:21:34.850-08:00Leaving and ReturningAs I started this Lenten season to be honest it was the beginning of “returning” for me. It is funny, not haha funny, more God funny, how certain things get put in your path at just the right time to be aids in the “returning” process. On this returning process it has been a little Lenten meditation book given to be my mother-in-law. It is called “From Fear to Love, reflections on the Parable of the Prodigal Son” by Henri Nouwen. I have always been a fan of Henri Nouwen’s writings but this time it seems as though God has hand picked one to be an aid/guide as I begin yet again the returning process. Over the past year, as I said in the first reflection, I feel like the efforts or lack there of to deal with these issues has not truly gotten me anywhere. As a result I have often felt unworthy and honestly scared to return to the Father, whose infinite love waits patiently for the return of his son. A couple of things that I have stood out to me in these reflections that I wanted to share because I think the are applicable to each and everyone of us prodigal sons and daughters whether we find ourselves in the younger or the older son’s role. <br /><br />“The Love of the Father embraces not just the return of the son but also the leaving of his child. That is really important: the whole movement of leaving and returning is a movement done under the loving eyes of the father.”<br /><br />As a father myself, this reminds me of something that my son, Dude, says all the time, “Daddy, don’t see me,” He will say this when I am standing right in front of him and it usually involves one of three things, either he is mad at me about something I have just told him, he is doing something he should not be doing or he is trying to “surprise” me with something special. This is the exact same thing we try to do with our Father in Heaven. When life hurts us in a way that throws us for a loop and all out of wack we usually ask one of two questions, God why did you do this? or God, how could let this happen? And the reaction that follows is like Dude’s, “God, don’t see me” and we go off to try to “figure it out on our own.” Am I right? And to be honest I believe God’s response is similar to my response to Dude, “Ok, buddy, I don’t see you, said with a loving grin and all the while keeping a watch eye on what he is doing. The loving eye of the Father never leaves us, even though we think we are “out there on our own.” When Dude is upset with me he goes off and does his own thing and usually, being the big soft hearted lug that he is, like we all are whether we act like it or not, he comes back in to me in a matter of minutes and says, “Daddy, I’m sorry for not listening, do you forgive me?” And my response is the same every time, I wrap his little body up in a big hug and say of course I forgive you and I love you so much. If I, an imperfect father, have the ability to do this for my child, how GREATER is our perfect Heavenly Father’s response when His child returns. So the question is “Why do we leave?”<br /><br />Nouwen’s response to this is:<br /><br />“I believe that in a very deep sense, one has to be convinced of God’s love in order to take the risk of leaving once in a while…It is important to understand that God’s love fills you and surrounds you whether you are leaving or returning, and that God waits with longing love to welcome you on your return.”<br /><br />If Dude was not certain of my love, would he walk away or would he return? If he didn’t know with confidence that he was safe to get upset and angry with me and at the same time know with certainty that upon his return he would be met with love and forgiveness, would he leave? Or more importantly, would he return? I think these are interesting questions for all of us to ask ourselves. I think written deep in our hearts is a confidence in the love of our Heavenly Father. Even with all that life has thrown our way, somewhere underneath the pain and rubble of what was once our innocent and pure hearts remains the confident love of a son or a daughter in the powerful love of their Heavenly Father. I think what Nouwen is saying is that if we can begin to realize that the love of God is not ONLY with us when we are doing everything right, but with us ALL the time, it begins to make our return a easier and quicker. If today we can try to connect with that confident love in the Father that was woven into our hearts when we were created we can begin to experience life in a new way. A new way in which our “leavings” and our “returnings” do not have to be filled with resentment and guilt, but that we can begin recognize that they are surrounded by the acceptance and love of our Heavenly Father. If we can begin to do this then the leavings don’t have to be years of hurt, anguish, and loneliness, but can be times of, Ok, God, I need a minute here to think about how I feel about what just happened, knowing that His loving eye is on you and your return can be like that of Dude, quick and confident in what is waiting for you, that being perfect acceptance, love and forgiveness.<br /><br />I think that the question that poses itself naturally right now is what are we waiting on…RETURN! <br /><br /><br />Much Love,<br />Charlie<br /><br />Its been a while since I've been inspired to write but I think its returning, below is another one that I wrote recently.Charlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-84029252898218543592010-02-25T09:18:00.001-08:002010-02-25T09:18:41.078-08:00Lenten RecognitionAs this Lenten season begins I find myself in a place of longing. It did not begin today, it has been stirring in my heart for sometime and to be honest I did not know what to do with it. Though I knew the “church answers” I still found myself unsure of what it was I needed to do, but more importantly I was unsure of where God’s love was in the midst of this confusion. After the loss of our daughter Cate, my family and I went into survival mode. We just had to figure out how to survive the immense grief and confusion we found ourselves in the days and months that followed Cate’s passing. It was difficult to understand how this could happen and even more difficult to understand how God could let this happen. There was real sense of being ALONE, and this sense permeated through our marriage, friendships, and even my relationship with God. It was difficult to see how or if at all He was working and moving in my life because all I could see was the pain, hurt, anger and resentment. Although from the outside we may have looked like we were “moving on with God’s grace and assistance,” there was and sometimes still is, another life being lived in my heart that very much felt and still feels stuck sitting in a pool of pain and confusion. <br /><br />After the year anniversary of sweet Cate’s passing there definitely felt like a lighting of the load of which we had been carrying, but the pain and confusion still lay so deeply in the hearts of my little family and myself. A few months ago I began to just feel like it was time for me to begin a process of slowing trying to sift through this darkness that I had been in for so long. I felt like because of past experience I knew in my head that God was not separated from this place I found myself in but that in fact He was in the middle of it, even though I did not “feel” He was anywhere near me. One day back in December I shared in a nutshell with a brother of mine what was going on in my heart and asked him to pray for me. He of course agreed to pray for me, like a good little Christian brother, and then he asked me when the last time I had met with my spiritual director was? I honestly told him that it had been quiet a while since I had seen him so he encouraged me gently to call him and set up an appointment to meet with him. About a week later my brother sends me an instant message, asking if I had called my spiritual director yet? To which, I honestly answered, no. The next day he call my cell and left a rather strong message of encouragement that told me to put on my big boy pants, get off my rear end and call my spiritual director, this is a very loose translation of what was actual left on my voicemail.<br /><br />Due to his persistent encouragement I called and set up an appointment with my spiritual director. The appointment went well as they usually do and the direction that I was pointed in was to recognize my own helplessness to get through this pain, resentment and abandonment I find myself, which is VERY hard for me to do. I am the kind of guy who says, no one is going to do it for me, so I have to get it done myself, this is a lie comes from an old wound in my heart, that I struggle with often. Well, here I am a year and half after Cate’s death and I am STILL trying to do it by myself and needless to say, it has not worked very well. What I believe God is calling me and all of us, is to actively recognize where He is, where is HAS been, and what He has been doing all along. He is the reason that I began to recognize that something was not right in heart, He is the reason my heart was moved to share with my brother about where I was found myself, because HE lives in my heart, He is the one moving me back to Himself, not because of what I can do for Him, but for the simple fact that He loves me.<br /><br />My sweet wife left a Lenten reflection booklet by Henri Nouwen, under the keys to my truck this morning. As I went to walked out of the door I grabbed the book and thought, “you know, I can take few minutes to read this in the morning and pray at my desk before I start the work day. God in all His divine persistence, chose to continue shining His light on my heart and to continue revealing his love for me this morning and to remind me that the only reason that I know that I am lost is BECAUSE I know His love. Here is a few excerpts from the reflection for you to chew on:<br /><br />“If there is no parent, we cannot be lost. If we have no parent to return to, there is no experience of being lost. We are only lost, when we can be found. Only in the light of goodness and forgiveness do we discover that we are lost.”<br /><br />“The love of a parent makes the child aware of being lost.” <br /><br />“We only know that we’re in darkness when we come into the light of God’s love. It is only in the light, in the fullness of the sun, that we know there is a shadow.”<br /><br />These simple words remind us that our Father in Heaven is the one who even helps us to see that we are lost, so that we may choose to return to the safety, comfort and love of His arms. The two things that really jumped out at me in my own life were: 1) the only reason I knew I was lost was because I knew the love of our Father in Heaven, otherwise what would I have noticed was missing? and 2) It was only through God shining His light in my heart to help me to realize that I was lost and then shining His light through my heart to my brother to encourage me to meet with my spiritual director did God not begin, BUT continue the process of drawing me back to Himself.<br /><br />My prayer is that this Lent be one of recognition. That I truly begin to recognize how God has been working in me and around me over the past year and half, that I begin to recognize that it is not ME, but HE who lives in me, who will heal the hurt and confusion, and that I also begin to recognize again His movements in my daily life. May this Lenten draw us all into a deeper understanding of God’s immense Fatherly love for his children! <br /><br />Much Love,<br />CharlieCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-29291609549182775512009-11-11T10:55:00.000-08:002009-11-11T10:59:49.355-08:00Jacob William CantrellGreetings to all!<br /><br />Well, #4 entered the world last night! Jacob William Cantrell entered the world weighing in at 8lbs 11oz and 20in long. Mom and Jacob are doing great! Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers, God Bless you all!!!! I uploaded some pictures to my flickr account. If you would like to check it out go to www.flickr.com/photos/cantrellkids We love and appreciate all you have contined to pray for our little famly!<br /><br />Much Love,<br />The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-30068215776854965202009-08-18T13:50:00.000-07:002009-08-18T13:51:39.710-07:00Jacob's EchoGreetings to all! Well we just finished up with the second Echocardiogram and the doctor has said from what she can see Jacobs little heart has no major anomalies and for Ali to go and enjoy the rest of her pregnancy!!!! Praise God, Praise God, Praise God! Work is crazy so I can’t write more but I will have a more detailed update here tomorrow. Thank You Thank You Thank You for all of you prayers!Charlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-13614475330765502722009-08-18T06:43:00.000-07:002009-08-18T06:48:05.330-07:00Prayers TodayGreetings to all! Just a reminder that today is Jacob's cardiologist appointment. We will get the hospital between 1:30-2:00. I will update the blog this afternoon once we are all finished. Thank you for your continued faithfulness to our little family!<br /><br />Much Love,<br />The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-21315989362662950552009-08-06T11:25:00.000-07:002009-08-06T12:37:47.176-07:00Jacob's EchocardiogramGreetings to all! Wow, the emotion that today has brought was a little more than we expected to be honest. We went in today for an echocardiogram of Jacob's little heart with the cardiologist, Cate's old doctor. As I drove into the parking lot there was the eerie feeling of nostalgia and fear. I missed having a car seat in the backseat of my truck with a little girl in it and at the same time I was faced with the fear of the possibility of having to do this all over again with Jacob. As Ali's van pulled into the parking lot I could tell that she had been crying. She got out and as we starting walking towards the building I asked her, "you doing ok?" and right then she fell apart in my arms. We stood in the parking lot of a hospital holding each other as we had done so many times before and my heart once again felt so helpless. The only words I could muster to pray were, "Jesus, we trust in you" and then to hold my wife close to me as her motherly heart relived so many painful experiences that it had endured over the past two and half years. I asked her if we could pray, to which she said yes. We stood in the parking of the hospital once again, asking for protection, peace, and healing. Then just as we had walked out of the hospital the day Cate died, we walked into another one today, hand in hand.<br /><br />Ali laid down on the bed and the doctor came in to begin in the echo. It was as though all of time hung in the balance as the computer screen became black and white with movement and small little Jacob's body parts coming in and out of focus. Then the four little chambers of Jacob's heart came in to view and it was go time. It felt like this was going to be the deciding moment that would determine what the next few months and possibly years to come would be like. As I stood peering over the doctors shoulder with my hand on Ali's leg I felt like I knew a little more this time about what I was looking for and what questions needed to be asked. The doctor was able to look at all the chambers and the size of each one. She was able to see the blood flow in and out of the heart. She then started looking for the aortic arch which felt like it took her about five years to find and just built anxiety in the room that could be cut with a knife. It seemed like the exam took hours when in all actuality it probably took twenty to thirty minutes. <br /><br />The doctor then explained to us that from what she could see the heart was growing and developing as it should be and that he had a strong heart beat. She explained to us that this procedure due to the baby size and the fact that he was in utero could not possibly see everything. She also said that she was not able to see the entire aortic arch or the entirety of the artery itself, SO, we are having to scheduling ANOTHER, echo at an LSU hospital in order for her to be able to look at his heart on a bigger machine. I asked if we should be freaking out and not sleeping over this second appointment and she said no, that if she had been able to see major issues that we would be going today. She also told us due to the fact that the heart performs differently outside mommy's tummy because right now mommy is breathing for the baby, that we would have to bring him back after he was born for her to look at him again.<br /><br />In many aspects it felt like one of Cate's doctor's appointments, good news tempered with the reality of the fragility of life. So once again we are laying our trust and hope at the feet of Christ. There was NO BAD NEWS today, but when you so wanting so badly to hear, "everything looks great, go enjoy the rest of your pregnancy," and you don't, it does take some of the wind out your sails, you know? I want to thank everyone for the out pouring of prays for Jacob, Ali, and I in the days leading up to today and today. We ask that you continue to be vigilant in intercession for Jacob and our little family. Our next appointment will be on Wednesday August 19th as far as we know. If anything changes we will let you know.<br />Much Love, The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-14166383961004623702009-06-25T08:43:00.000-07:002009-06-25T08:44:18.166-07:00A Cate Sized HoleGreetings to all! As yesterday had gotten closer and closer my feelings have been a mixed bag of tricks. It is extremely hard to believe that it has been a full year since our precious Cate left this earthly life and began her eternal one. Our little family has been on the ride of its life over the past 365 days. There were truly days where I did not know if we would make it through as a family and then there have been days that I cannot imagine how much more I can love my wife and children and I know that they are an essential part of my healing. <br /><br />As I drove to Thibodaux, Louisiana the other morning for work there was a true feeling of freedom and even a true sense of happiness. These two feelings are not ones that I have had in quite a while so I began to explore them by simply asking God why I was feeling like this. It just had come out of no where so I was not really sure what was initiating the sudden onset of a joyful experience. The words, “You’ve made it” came to my heart, oh, yes, the sweet words that I have wanted and needed to hear. Is all well? No, not completely. Do I not miss Cate dearly? All the time! But I truly feel like with yesterday brought a true sense of freedom from that “first year.” I feel like as I look at my family I realize that we are not the same Cantrell’s we were a year ago, but I like some of the new aspects that I see in who we are as a family unit. I enjoy that I truly try to say yes to my kids more than no, not in the spoiling sense of “things” they may want but when they ask to do puzzles, swing, or play chase in the backyard. I enjoy that after struggling, clawing, fighting, crying and yelling, that Ali and I are beginning to come to a new place in our marriage that we have never been before, a place of deep honest mutual love and understanding. <br /><br />One of the greatest joys that Ali and I have experienced over the past year is the love and resiliency of Ella and Dude. They have had their little worlds turn upside down and yet they continue to amaze me at the joy they possess and how loving they are! Ali and I were sitting outside the other day watching the two of them play on the slip-n-slide in our backyard when we realized that it was a year ago that we were playing in the backyard with Cate and we took the pictures of her in the pool with the kids and the ones of her sitting in the bumbo seat with food all over precious little face. I told Ali that the thing that I feel like is the largest testimony for me of who our family is, is who our children are today even with all they have been through over the past year. During the summer I speak at a series of Catholic youth conferences that are held around the country. I spoke at the first one two weeks ago and my family got to come with me, WHAT A BLESSING!!! After the weekend the coordinator of the conference called me on the Monday morning just to tell me how special our children are and the way that they love is so special. That phone call was such a confirmation for Ali and I from God that we are “ok” that our kids are “ok” and that with all the heartache over the loss of Cate that Ella and Dude have experienced that God has filled their little hearts with love. <br /><br />Yesterday on the anniversary of Cate’s passing we did the same thing we did on the day Cate died, we celebrated our family. We all loaded up in the truck and went to our favorite local flower shop where the kids picked out the balloons and flowers that they wanted to give to Cate. After leaving the flowers shop we went to the cemetery to “Cate’s sign” where we released the balloons and gave her the flowers that the kids had picked out for her. The sweetest thing happened while we were there, Ella had gotten back in the truck because she was hot and Dude was wondering around looking at other people’s signs and Ali and I stood there having a quiet cry. I hollered at Dude that it was time to go he ran over to us, stopped in front of Cate’s sign, blew her a kiss and continued on the way to the truck. Wow, the tears just streamed down my face and my heart hurt for that little boy, but I was so proud of him for still loving on his sister! <br /><br />We have made it through this year as a family and we will remain a family. As we prepare for our new arrival in November we know that Cate is still and always will be an active member of our family, in fact, Ella is so excited because now there will be three girls, Mommy, Ella, and Cate and three boys, Daddy, Dude, and Baby Boy Cantrell #2! We want to thank all of you who have and continue to lift our little family up in prayer, we would not be where we are today if it were not for those prayers and still need them alot. All of your cards, letters, gifts, and emails that you all have sent over the past year have reminded us of how loved and supported we were and are and you will never know how much that has meant to us. <br /><br />On June 24, 2008 a Cate sized hole was left in the heart of our family and though she will never be replaced, God has poured a whole lot of love and grace into such a broken place. We have not done it perfectly by any means, but there is such a joy in my heart to know that we have done it together. Our family is stronger, our family is more loving, our family understands that God never abandoned us through this process and we remain a family journeying in hope. Thank you God for Cate’s life, for her love, and thank you Cate for all the prayers that your innocent little mouth has whispered into the ear of the Father for your family here on earth. We love you and miss you kid and we can’t wait to see you soon!<br /><br />Much Love,<br />The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-80522030400613351642009-04-03T13:42:00.000-07:002009-04-03T13:43:58.546-07:00Back in the SaddleGreetings to all!! Well, we are back in the saddle guys and gals and you all may be thinking I am talking about the blog, well that too, but one week ago today I found out that little Cantrell number four has made its entrance into the world, that’s right, Ali is PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!! Ok, I will give you a minute to go get some tissue if you need to gather yourself. You read it right the first time, the Cantrell’s are having another baby!!!!!! Wow, is right, as the words “there is something I need to tell you” came out of Ali’s mouth last Friday night as we sat waiting on friends to meet us, the absolute last ones that I thought would follow would be, “I’m pregnant.” I was expecting, our electric bill was real high, the cats pooped on your favorite shirt, dude ate your favorite shirt. As the words I’m pregnant rolled off of her tongue, I felt all the blood leave my face, I took a long sip of the cold beer that sat in front of me, still not sure if it was mine, and said, Wow, I am so excited, not really meaning that at all, I just didn’t know what else to say at that very moment. And then she followed it by and you can’t say anything to our friends yet, WHAT!!!! Ok, now I have to act like everything is normal when my head is spinning around on my shoulders. Women, that is so typical of you all to do something like that in public that way we can’t freak out and then say, and oh yeah, we can’t talk about it. You are such interesting creatures.<br /><br />We went to the doctor on Monday for an ultrasound. I saw the little blob on the screen and immediately saw the little beating heart, WOW, what a miracle uh, 8 weeks old and I am watching its little heart beat on a black and white screen. I told Ali that it couldn’t be mine, it looks nothing like me. I asked the nurse if she could print me out a picture to carry around in my truck to remind me that my wife is PREGNANT, and yes we know how it happens, apparently we just like how it happens, especially in February, now that three of our four children will have November birthdays. New rule in the Cantrell house, in February mom or dad moves out, for the MONTH. We met with Dr. Rose and she said that everything looks good right now and that the chances of us having another heart baby are low, but around twenty weeks she wants us to go see a Cardiologist for her to look at Baby Cantrell’s heart, so we need you guys again to be praying for a healthy heart please!<br /><br />We told Ella and Dude last night, they screamed and hollered at the dinner table. Ella laughed hysterically but you could tell it was with a twinge of nervousness. She quickly proclaimed that it was a boy, we reminded her that we did not know yet what God had given us, but daddy was really hoping it was a PUPPY. This morning Ella wanted to bring the ultrasounds picture with her to school to show everyone her new sibling. Can you picture that a bunch of pre-k’ers huddled around an ultrasound picture of a Uterus trying to figure out what it is! We had not even gotten off our street before she had told someone that, “Mommy has a baby in her tummy!” and when the lady who was opening the doors in the carpool line opened the door, there was Ella standing up tall, holding the picture declaring loudly that, her mommy was pregnant. I am sure by this afternoon our small town will be buzzing with, “Did you hear, the Cantrell’s are pregnant!” <br /><br />Is there fear? YES, there is fear, but I cannot and do not want to let that fear run my life. I write this blog almost two years to the day that we found out when Ali was pregnant for Cate that we might lose her in Utero and that there was something developmentally not right. The past two years have been a long road for this little family. Is this a little sooner than I would have liked to welcome another child into our family, maybe, but, maybe it is the perfect time. Maybe as we begin to close the chapter of mind numbing pain from the loss of Cate, God can open the next chapter of fruitful love in the life of the Cantrell’s. I am ready to get back in the saddle of love and new life, I am ready to welcome this baby knowing that its big sister Cate has her hand on its every move. As I sat on the back step the other night crying to Cate, telling her that I didn’t know if I was ready to move on and that I was scared of the possibilities of this baby have heart problems to and asking her, “Cate, please pray for me, but pray and watch over your new little brother or sister.” I kid you not, in my heart of hearts I heard her snicker at me and say “Dad, I am so sure! I am not going anywhere, your not “moving on” and stop worrying I am already on it” and I had a vision of her rolling her eyes! It was AWESOME, I love that little girl.<br /><br />Well, here we go again, back in the saddle of welcoming children into the world of the Cantrell’s. We need you guys, I know you all have been praying even though we have not been writing and you will never know how encouraging it is to get comments on the blogs just saying that you are still here and still praying even though we haven’t written in months. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Please add this new Baby Cantrell to your list and we will keep you up to date as we journey through this pregnancy and as we prepare our hearts to meet this new son or daughter and welcome them joyfully into our little family. God bless you all and thank you for the prayers.<br /><br />Much Love,<br /><br />The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com74tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-86549875112270524942009-03-17T08:38:00.000-07:002009-03-17T08:42:48.663-07:00Healing House/Ella and DudeGreetings to All!<br /> <br />I know its been a while, please pray for our little family as we continue to trudge through the muck and mud of grief, we appreciate yall, sorry its been a while since we have written, just not much to say right now, hang with us, we love you. Below is a little request if you are interested. <br /><br />I hope this note finds you all well! As all of you know this year has been a challenging one for our little family. One of the things that has brought our family, especially Ella and Dude, hope and comfort over the past few months is the Healing House. The Healing House is a non-profit organization that helps children to go through the grieving process who have lost siblings or a close loved one with other children who unfortunately find themselves in the same situation.<br /> <br />Ella and Dude attend a group session every other Thursday night where they have group time with a social worker for a while and then they have "free play" for a while. While the kids are in the back having their time, the parents can be a part of a group that goes on simultaneously in the front. The Healing House provides all of its services for FREE, everything they do for us and our family, they never ask for a single penny, what a GIFT to our children and to us, who so often don't know how to find the words to comfort them, during these challenging times.<br /> <br />The Healing House in conjunction with a Golf Tournament here in Lafayette is having a raffle. The Healing House receives 100% of the proceeds from the tickets that it sells to go towards continuing the wondering and necessary services that it provides. The Grand Prize of the raffle is $5000 and the tickets are $10.00 a piece. I know that many of you live out of state, but I will mail your ticket stubs once I receive your check. Here is the other great thing, you make the check out directly to the Healing House and therefore it is tax deductible. I ask you to please consider supporting this extremely important organization that is so important and necessary to our little family and our kids. <br /> <br />If you choose to support the Healing House and the services they provide to us please shoot me an email with the number of tickets you would like to purchase so that I can get the necessary number of books from the Healing House and if I could ask that you send your checks as soon as possible, but by the end of next week at the absolute latest so that I can get them turned in to the Healing House. Please do not forget to make your checks payable to the Healing House and mail them to me at the address below my name.<br /><br />THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU from the bottom of our little family's heart.<br /> <br />Please feel free to forward this on to anyone who knows our little family and who has followed our family's journey.<br /> <br />Much Love,<br />Charlie, Ali, Ella, Dude, and Baby Cate<br />P.O. Box 52978<br />Lafayette, LA 70505Charlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-1989717581306932432009-01-19T18:41:00.000-08:002009-01-19T18:42:20.264-08:00Embracing the "new" me“... pay close attention to the times that God calls you away from the valley and invites you to tiptoe quietly back into the light. It is still there, waiting for you.” <br /><br />I received an email months ago from a dear friend who was to undergo surgery for cancer later that day. She spoke these words with a peaceful wisdom that comes both from life’s experience and a God fearing heart. Her encouragement and sweet invitation to tiptoe back to the light were initially met with resistance from my fortressed heart. In the months since Cate’s death, I have learned to guard my heart even more and to protect it at all cost. So, to step out “into the light” was much more than I desired to do. But the email stuck with me, and a day or so later another sweet woman gave me permission to ... fight for the happiness I deserve. And then I got it ... If I want to somehow start getting my life back together than I have to start embracing small steps to wholeness.<br /> <br />I will be the first to admit that the stages of grief are all consuming in moments and sometimes days. The stage of anger was and is one of my biggest struggles. I have unleashed my furry on a few dear friends, who thankfully still love me. My anger comes from a place of honesty and although it is somewhat uncomfortable it helps to continue the softening of my heart. They are small steps in a powerful direction, allowing me to not hold so tightly to my fears. Anger is not one of those “pretty feminine” attributes that I “do” well, but I am learning fast that it does have a place in a mother’s heart. And if you channel it well, anger can be both liberating and productive. And although I will admit that “angry Ali” is not an enjoyable place to be, (or enjoyable to be with) she does have a valid place in this process. <br /><br />Yet through the anger, the months have unfolded, life has continued on, but the reality of Cate’s death remains the same. What I am learning is that there is no finish line on this journey. There is; however, an embracing of the “new” me and my “new” family. The marathon race we began with Cate’s surgery has continued on without her, and the load we carry now is more than we anticipated. I changed the day Cate died, we all did. Our family is not who we were seven months ago, and I don’t anticipate being “those people” again. We will continue to develop and grow, hopefully for the better. However a part of each one of us died that day. Along with grieving Cate, we also grieve that part in ourselves, which we buried with her. <br /><br />Trust is harder to come by, and faith in God is often a decision, rather than a way of life. The “new” me hurts more often, cries more easily, and often ungraciously lashes out in anger. But the “new” me also take pleasure in great conversations and delights in hardy laughs. The “new” me has learned that evenings with grade school friends are some of my best treasures, and that my own children can give the most honest advice. The “new” me is learning that I find more solace in chocolate milk rather than wine, and new shoes take a back seat to worn-in boots.<br /> <br />The “new” me is learning that (if you allow yourself to listen) God shows up to comfort us when we least expect Him. A good friend invited me to attend a support group a while back for grieving parents of infants/babies. I felt much resistance to go. My heart felt filled with anger, not from her invitation, but from the sheer fact that by way of Cate’s death, I even needed to know about this support group. I didn’t want be counted among “them,” I wanted my baby girl back and to pretend that I never knew this group existed. Yet, when the group was over, there was a great sense of unity to be joined with others, who feel just as lost, confused, and left-behind. I felt a great sense of relief when others shared wisdom or expressed concerns that were similar to mine. One of the greatest gifts I received from the group is that I do not feel that I need to rush to complete Cate’s headstone. Her precious grave is still the humble concrete with fresh dirt. It brings me great comfort to “play” there many afternoons with the kiddos. We draw all over her grave with chalk and we blow bubbles. We walk ALL OVER the cemetery and the kids find comfort in bringing flowers to other graves that are “flowerless.” It does hurt my heart to know that an aspect of their innocence has been robbed by Cate’s death, and yet their resilience is inspiring, and hopeful. They continue to remind me that love abounds in our life, even when, and if it hurts.<br /><br />So for now, I am embracing the “new” me. I embrace all that I have learned and will continue to learn on this journey. I embrace all of the hurts, loves, and new joys that we are experiencing through all of this. They are all incredible teachers. And I also embrace all the …peace that today offers… as I place one toe out of the valley and feel the light that waits to shine on us again. <br /><br />All my love, AliCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com43tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-90563412638731064922009-01-10T11:45:00.000-08:002009-01-10T11:55:10.720-08:00Beautifully UglyGreeting to all! As Ali and I were driving through Lafayette the other night heading home from a spontaneous date night this really attractive billboard caught my eye. On the bottom there was silhouettes of what appeared to be people in worship with hands raised and the silhouettes where outlined on the top with this really bright green color and the words Live Love Worship. As I drove to work the next morning that billboard popped back into my head and then scenes from worship events that I had been to over the years.. All the scenes were beautiful, the lighting was perfect, the stages were elaborately decorated, and the sound was done just right. All of this to create a perfect environment to worship our God.<br /><br />The more I allowed my mind to journey into these various events and the feelings associated with them I began to think that my life does not even remotely resemble the beauty that flows out of those nights. Lately, I have felt so distant from God and whenever I pray it surely does not feel like any of these Spirit filled occasions. When I pray it feels dry and void of even words, believe it or not, but I continue to sludge through these valleys of prayer in search of refreshment. I began to wonder if I had not unknowingly conditioned myself to think that worship has to be “pretty,” that it must have the right “sound,” that it needs to be “inspired,” and have the perfect “words.” I thought to myself, that right now, my life and my prayer seems “ugly.” It doesn’t look like anything a “Good Christian’s” life “should” look like, even under the circumstances I find myself. <br /><br />That day I stopped by one of my closest brother’s offices. Ironically, He runs a very successful ministry putting on nights of teaching and worship. His nights are always first class, they really create an environment which enables people to enter into worship through song, scripture, and the Eucharist. I felt like I could possibly be insulting what he is called to do but at the same time we are close enough that I felt like I could freely share these thoughts that had been flowing through my heart all day. I explained to him that as I was having these thoughts about worship the image of a bloodied crucified Christ kept coming into my heart and how “ugly” that scene must have been. He went on to say that we have to be authentic that our lives are not always as neat as a worship event. He shared a story with me about an encounter he had with an older prominent couple in the town that he works in. One of their children was having some personal struggles and ended up needing to get professional help and it had all been kept real hush hush. He ran into them at a gathering and asked them how they were doing, him knowing what was going on with their child, and they responded with some canned “good Christian” response and he thought to himself, “your lying to me.” <br /><br />As a Christias we often feel that we have to hide behind our fig leaves just as Adam and Eve covered themselves out of their own embarrassment. These feelings are even more pronounced by the times that we live in when everything has to “look” perfect. I think even as a Church we have in someway begun to fall into the trap of thinking and unknowingly teaching that worship looks a certain way. Yet, if we are to really examine the Life of Christ, it didn’t look anything like that, it was real, it was raw, and the finale was one of the ugliest things that this world has ever seen, But guess what? That magnificent cross, was beautifully ugly, it was a physical embodiment of everything that had and would happen in this world. It was our Christ who willingly, honestly, and OPENLY took on the ugliness of this world and made the eternal statement, “you don’t have hide anymore.” I feel like He was saying to all of us, bring your ugliness to me, bring it out in the open, and I will make it beautiful. Unfortunately what happens is we try to hide our ugliness, dress up our ugliness, or just down right deny that it is even there, because if we are honest with ourselves we do not feel that our life is appropriate for the dressed up worship services that we attend or that our life is in and of itself worship.<br /><br />Please understand what I am saying, I am in not in anyway putting down these incredible nights of worship, heck I love them as much as the guy. What I am saying is that worship is not a canned action. What I am saying is that worship is does not always feel good. What I am saying is that worship is not always pretty. Worship IS our life and I don’t know about you but my life is not always, not even most of the time, pretty and you know what, Christ’s life wasn’t either. His life was filled with rejection, disappointment, and in the world’s eyes, failure. The question that my heart asks is, why should I not feel like these valleys are worship? I had wondered the other day if the humanity of Christ thought to Himself as He hung on the Cross, “Father, I hope I am doing this right because this does not look like any Jewish sacrifice I have ever seen,” That is exactly how I feel right now. I feel like my prayer is often, God, I hope I am doing this right because this is not the kind of worship that I have experienced before. I desire a transformation to take place in my heart that will enable me to realize that my life is worship, the good, the bad, and yes, even the beautifully ugly. <br /> <br /><br />Much Love,<br />The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-25515741836566453862009-01-05T11:23:00.000-08:002009-01-05T13:27:12.935-08:00Wise Men are FoolsGreetings to all! As we sat in Mass yesterday celebrating the feast of the Epiphany, in other words, the wise men’s arrival. I got to thinking about these so called wise men. Could you imagine if one your friends would say to you, “Look, I been doing a little research about this religion and from what I can tell they are all waiting on a king to arrive. I have been monitoring the stars through my looking device I invented and I found this star that was not there before. I have a feeling that if I follow that star it will lead us to this new king, wanna come?” There were three wise men, right? My question is who was the first one to see this star? And my second question is how on earth did he convince these other two fellas to go with him? There are a few things that I love about the wise men and I will elaborate on these each in a little detail. <br /><br />First, angels did not appear to them singing Hallelujah and telling them to come over to Bethlehem the King is born. It was not some mind blowing spiritual experience that lead them to this newly born king. It was NATURE! I think a lot of times we can box God into such a small package as to not realize how much HIS creation all points to Him. Also, we continue to concrete ourselves in as our cities grow larger and so we get to experience less and less of His creation. I remember a few years back I had finished reading this book about men’s spirituality called, “Wild at Heart” by John Eldridge, it is an amazing book that truly continues to change my life, can you tell I highly recommend it? After reading the book I found out that John Eldridge and his team put on men’s retreats in Colorado and I decided that I wanted to go. I signed up for the retreat, bought a plane ticket and booked my rental car. The weekend was awesome, hands down one of the most powerful weekends thus far in my life, but do you know what was the most soul freeing experience of those four days was? The drive to retreat center believe it or not! I remember leaving the airport and the concrete jungle of Denver and the further and further I got into the mountains the more I felt my heart being freed. As I rounded this one corner traveling through the mountains, the whole landscape just opened up into the HUGE beautiful valley completely surrounded by the majestic Rocky Mountains. I literally pulled my car over onto the side of the rode, got out, walked to the edge of the side rail, and jumped off, ok, no I didn’t, that just added dramatic effect to the story. No, I just stood there and experienced all of God’s majesty, power, and beauty and I let His creation lead me into His heart at that moment. These wise men knew that God could use anything to lead people to Himself and so they followed His creation right to the feet of the King!<br /><br />Secondly, can you imagine how crazy they looked to everyone they knew? In a day and age where we are probably more self conscious than society has ever been, can you imagine if you or I set out to follow a star because we thought it might lead us to a king? We are afraid to bow our heads in a restaurant to bless and thank our Heavenly Father for the meal He has sat before us, can you imagine if we were to do something radical like follow a star? These guys must have looked like complete and under fools to everyone they knew. We call them “wise men” NOW, but can you imagine the conversations about those fellas back in the day, “hey, you heard about Johnny, Danny, and Billy, they went looking for a king cause they saw a star! HAAHAHAHAHAHA what fools uh? But guess what? They found one! They not only found one, they found THE ONE! I think that the wise men present a challenge to us all to step out of our comfort zones in search of the King. I think that the wise men call ever single Christian out, by not what they said, but by what they did! They put everything on the line for this King and their actions present a very loud question to all of us, what are we willing to do to find the King? In the end, they were not fools, they went down in HISTORY as Wise men! That my friends is a legacy, wise men, in search of the King, that’s what I want to be and I don’t care how foolish I look!<br /><br />My final thought on these wise men is that they may or may not have been Jewish. These guys could possibly have been the first Christians sorta of. Now, this is not a theological point so please don’t go to your priest, pastor, or whoever and tell them that I am calling the wise men the first Christians, I am not trying to make some new theological point, what I am saying is that Christ called everyone to Himself! And I think that these guys recognized something special about this child, something different. I think that is the reason they did not go back to Herod to tell him where they had found the child. The priest at Mass yesterday said that from the very beginning of Christ’s life even in the manger He was drawing people to Himself to adore Him. People from all walks of life from Sheppard to wise man from Jew to Gentile and from Sinner to Saint, He desires to bring us all to Himself! What an awesome thought that our God wants us ALL!<br /><br />As we begin our Christmas Year, may we allow God to use His creation to draw us to Himself, may we not care what we look like to others as we follow Him, and finally may our hearts be filled with gratitude that our God wants us ALL! <br /><br />Much Love,<br />The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-81058850073599419232008-12-24T12:32:00.001-08:002008-12-24T12:32:35.506-08:00A Christmas LifeGreetings to all! The stockings are hung by the chimney with care and thoughts of sugar plums will soon dance in my children’s heads. As I sit here on the eve of the birth of Jesus Christ I am reflective on this holiday season and also on this past year that will soon come to close next week. I have never really been the “Christmas” type, I don’t like large crowds of people, traffic, Christmas Carols, or elves, they kind of freak me out. On the other hand, I married Ms. Christmas, I believe that if you tract Ali’s genealogy that she is distantly related to the Clauses. She loves to decorate, she loves to have Christmas music on in the house, and her little heart goes pitter patter when the Egg Nog is put on the grocery store shelves in November. As the years have progressed I have made small steps to partake in my wife’s Christmas joys, more for her than for myself. I try to do things that let her know that what is important to her is important to me.<br /><br />This year has been different for me. This year I found myself turning on Christmas music and singing along. I noticed just the other day as I strolled along a shopping center sidewalk doing a little Christmas shopping I caught myself whistling the tunes to popular Christmas Carols. I even succumb to my wife’s pleas to get the kids two kittens for Christmas. I am not sure what has happened to me this Christmas, especially with the year we have had. This Christmas season has had a real longing to it, there have been many tears shed between Ali and myself over the “missing” of our sweet Cate. But even with the “missing” there has been a lot of LIFE in our house. This morning I was thinking about Christ’s humble entrance into the world and how His life has brought us ALL the opportunity for real, true, and lasting life. Isn’t that was Christmas is about? LIFE!<br /><br />Today makes six months since our precious Cate departed from this earthly life and began the celebration of her eternal life. It has been a painful six months yet even with that pain there has been so much LIFE brought into our family. There have been so many little “Christmases” in the past six months. Some small and some large instances where so many of you have humbly brought Christ into the life of the Cantrell family. So, as we approach tomorrow and the celebration of our Savior’s entrance into the world, my heart is grateful to all of you who have realized that Christmas is not something that we celebrate one day a year but something that we actively live.<br /><br />There have been countless examples of how you all have brought the life of Christ to us, whether it is through your financial generosity, dinners you have dropped off at the house, gift cards so that we could take the kids to McDonald’s, Masses that are being said for Cate or our family, gifts that have been sent to our houses from you the readers that we have never met, and how after I wrote the blog about Ali and I liking La Crema Pinot Noir, you all brought bottles of La Crema to the house (I am thinking about mentioning in my next blog how I like beach houses, just kidding), or the group of anonymous women who have somehow banded together from around the country and world to spiritually carry my wife with prayers, cards, flowers, and gifts. You women whoever you are have touched my heart so deeply. I love my wife with all I have and I think she is such a special person, so to know that she has touched you in such a special way and that you all love her and are so committed to her means more than words to this humbled husband. I get emotional as I type this just thinking about how much of the life and love of Christ has been poured out on our little family. All of you, our family, friends and complete strangers have made this challenging time just a little easier. You all through your acts of kindness and generosity have truly decided whether you realize it or not to LIVE Christmas. <br /><br />You all have inspired, encouraged, and challenged our little family to realize that once the carols have all been sung, the presents have been all unwrapped, the food has all been gluttonously devoured and the tree has been taken down, that Christmas does not end. Christmas is to be lived everyday in our hearts and in our actions. You all have shown us over the past six months that the opportunity to birth Christ into the world everyday in small ways and sometimes in big ways is always there. We do not have to wait until the toy drives or the giving tree in our Churches go up to bring the life of Christ into the world around us. Everyday there are opportunities to reach out to family members, neighbors, or in our case, as some of you have done, to complete and total strangers. <br /><br />Maybe this year instead of New Year’s resolutions, which we don’t keep anyway, we can have “Christmas Decisions.” Decisions that we make as individuals and/or as families to not let Christmas be one day, but instead, be a lifestyle. On this eve of the birth of our Savior know that the Cantrell’s will carry you all in our hearts as we celebrate with our family this tremendous and spectacular event that happened so many years ago and that Christ continues to let happen through each one of us. From our family to yours we truly and whole heartedly thank you and wish you a Merry Christmas YEAR!<br /><br />Much Love,<br /><br />The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-38467102296185688432008-12-11T10:27:00.000-08:002008-12-11T10:50:38.700-08:00Snowmen ChalkboardsGreetings to all. Wow, it has been a long time, I know. The months immediately following Cate’s death were very slow, painfully slow at times. Our weekends were not committed to anything or anyone just because we could not make commitments. Well, as we have begun to make our re-entry back into society our calendars and lives have filled up rather quickly. It has been nice though to have “stuff” to do and to interact with other families. I feel as though I have been in a place of progress, moving forward, not moving on, simply moving forward and in a good way. I found that I had not been crying as much, yet still missing her. I truly believe having my counselor to work through these issues has been very helpful. <br /><br />Before I get started with what I want to share with you all today I want to tell you a funny story. Living here in South Louisiana our winters are mild. We will get a few cold days here and there but rarely see snow. I remember growing up it snowed once when I was eight or nine and there was only enough snow to make a pathetic snowman about two feet tall and that took every flake of snow that had landed in our yard. Well, we had a strong cold front come though two nights ago with a lot of precipitation. Last night the weatherman they said that there would be a possibility that we would have some flurrys in the early morning hours before sunrise but nothing would stick because the ground was too warm. Around five o’clock this morning my phone starting beeping like crazy with text messages. It was friends and neighbors sending me messages to tell me that it was snowing. My first thought is WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! and then I quickly fell back asleep. <br /><br />Well, when Dude and I rolled out of bed a little after six thirty and I looked out the bedroom window and sure enough it was still snowing. There was snow on the ground and snow on the rooftops. As Dude and I stumbled our way downstairs I told him that it was snowing outside he quickly slide down my arms, ran to the front door and pulled the curtain back. He stood at the door just staring out at the white world that he had never seen before. I told him that if they wanted him and Ella could put there shoes on and go in the backyard to see the snow. They started screaming as they franticly ran around the house looking for their shoes. They located their shoes, half way put them on, and headed for the backdoor with lighting quick speed and in a single motion that I couldn’t stop Dude ripped his diaper off threw it on the kitchen floor and ran out the back door into the snow covered yard. As I watch my half naked son and my beautiful daughter experience snow for the first time I knew that it would be a good day. Boys, what do you do with them???<br /><br />Now, on to why I write today after a long hiatus from writing. Over the past few weeks I have noticed a regression in my feelings about Cate’s death. I feel like we had been moving in such a positive direction for quite sometime but over the past few weeks I feel like I have been taking three steps back. I find myself sad more often and missing her almost every minute of everyday. As Christmas quickly approaches as Christians we find ourselves in the season of Advent, a time of expectant waiting. Unlike the season of Lent where we take an active role in offering sacrifices, Advent is simply a time of waiting. I think that is exactly where my heart is right now, it is in a time of waiting. I am waiting for the pain to subside, I am waiting to find the new “normal” that we are now beginning to get glimpses of, I am waiting on the day when Cate will be reunited with our family and we will be whole again. <br /><br />Waiting, it is such a hard thing to do when we desire something so much isn’t it? As Christmas gets closer Ali keeps asking me what I want for Christmas and honestly there is nothing that I want that anyone can buy. What I want cannot be bought, it must be given and there is only one person who can give it to me. What I want does not come in a pretty box with pretty paper and it does not come all at once. It is a big gift that comes in many small and often inconspicuous packages over time. <br /><br />As I read the readings from daily Mass the other day it talked about the gentleness of our God. All I keep hearing in my heart was, “Charlie, be gentle with yourself, I am being gentle with you.” In a culture of cell phones, drive thrus, and microwaves, waiting is not something that we do very well and gentle waiting is not even in our vocabulary at times. Gentle Waiting is what I want for Christmas. I want to gently wait as my wife and children’s hearts mend and I want to gently wait as my own heart mends. Just as the Jewish people waited and longed for their Messiah, I too wait and long for my Messiah’s healing touch. There was nothing they could do to make Him come any quicker and there is nothing I can do to make this come any quicker. There was already a plan in place, a plan that God knew from the beginning of time. I know that He has a plan already in place for me and my family, the question is will I gently wait on Him? It is so difficult not find comfort in the things of this world but instead to say, Lord, I know your word is true. I know that you will be faithful to your people and I WILL wait on You.<br /><br />Unlike the snowman chalkboard that hangs in our kitchen counting down the days till Christmas there is no chalkboard counting down the days until healing, wouldn’t that be nice? All of us are waiting on something, whether it is healing with our parents, reconciliation with our spouses or children, the healing of past hurts from friends, the healing from the death of a loved one, or the healing of our 401K, just a little economic humor for you. We all find ourselves in our own personal Advent. We all find ourselves waiting just as the Jewish people did over 2000 years ago. The question is how will we wait? Will we wait with an eager gentleness or will we grow weary and simply give up and give in. I want to choose to wait with that eager gentleness but I need help. I ask that as the holidays grow closer and we prepare to celebrate them minus one, that you, our many, who Cate has brought into our lives pray for our family, that we continue to gently wait on the healing touch of our loving God and as we wait on that special gift, that we be gentle with ourselves and each other as our God is gentle with us. <br /><br />Much Love,<br />The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-3486079754509929122008-11-10T12:40:00.000-08:002008-11-12T12:27:14.340-08:00A Celebration of LifeGreetings to all! This past Friday, November 7th, was Cate’s first birthday. It is hard to believe that our precious Cate was born a year ago. It feels like ten to be honest after the road that we have been down over the past year, but especially the past four and half month. As her birthday began approaching Ali and I started talking about what we wanted to do to celebrate her birthday. How could we honor Cate as a family, what could be do to commemorate her birthday without her physically being here? How would we do this with Ella and Dude without throwing more confusion into their little brains with all that they have had to process over the past four and a half months? <br /><br />Be a family, celebrate the life of our family is what we decided is what Cate would want for us. It just so happened that Sesame Street Live was going to be in town the weekend of Cate’s birthday. Ella and Dude live for Sesame Street Live, they have been able to go the past two years that it has come to town and ask when can they go back for the next 364 days it feels like. Every time we past the Cajundome, where Sesame Street performs, they tell us, “Look, look, that’s where Sesame Street lives!!!” So, Ali though that going to Sesame Street Live as a family would be a fun celebration for our family and so one night after we put the kids to bed we were both in the kitchen and she was on the computer booking the tickets for the Friday evening show. I suggested instead of the Friday evening that we go the Saturday morning that way the kids would not be tired and cranky, even though it was actually the day after Cate’s birthday. She agreed and proceeded to buy the tickets, when all of a sudden I heard her say, “OH NO!” I asked what was wrong, she said I accidently booked them for the Friday morning performance and once you book them there is no switching it. I said well, let’s not worry about it, we will take the day off and just spend it as a family. <br /><br />The next day I was thinking about Cate’s birthday and the show and thought, you know what, let’s get out of town for the weekend. A few couples in our home town had gotten together and given us some money for a getaway weekend with the family as well as some passes to a zoo. I talked to Ali and she loved the idea. The bed and breakfast that one of the couple had originally suggested was booked for the weekend, but they recommended another place, so I called and they were open. Plans done!<br /><br />Ali’s family called early last week and offered to have the kids sleep over at their house on the Thursday night before Cate’s birthday so we could have a couple ours to ourselves on Friday morning before Sesame Street. It was really nice, Ali and I woke up, kind of let the moment, the day, the “missing” sink in and then left to pick up the kids. Ali had bought really nice seats to the performance so the kids screamed, ate cotton candy, and got to high five all of their favorite Sesame Street characters. It was awesome to see the pure joy and excitement in their little eyes. Ali and I throughout the performance found ourselves just looking at each other smiling at the fact that our children were having such a wonderful time. After the show we bought each of them a ridiculously overpriced nicnac as well as a cd of the WHOLE show we had just watched. Looks like we will have all new songs drilled into our heads over the next year, but hey at least it is a change and that’s good I guess.<br /><br />We then loaded up the van and headed off to the cabin, or as the kids call it “our camp” for the weekend. By the time we arrived it was dark, so we were unable to see the grounds, but when we walked in our cabin we were all blown away at how beautiful it was. It was big and spacious with two bedrooms, floor to ceiling windows overlooking the river, and a huge deck with chairs and a barbeque pit. The kids ran around exploring, claiming and decorating their bedroom, and then they hopped in the Jacuzzi tub for a nice warm bath with, as they called it HUGE BUBBLES. I went outside and fired up the pit for some good ole hot dogs. We put the kids to bed and Ali went and took a VERY long bath in the huge Jacuzzi tub and while she was bathing I fired up the wood burning stove so the living room would be nice and toasty for her when she got out. Once she was good and pruned she got out and curled up on one the beds that was right next to the fireplace to read her Tim Gunns, “Guide to Style” till she was fast asleep.<br /><br />The next morning we woke up and headed off to Global Wildlife Center, which is like a zoo without cages, don’t worry, not carnivores, just herbivores. We loaded up on the covered wagons and road around the 900 acres feeding the giraffes, long horns, deer, camels, and all the other animals that stuck their head in our wagon. The kids had a blast, I looked over at one point and Dude was literally face to face with a giraffe that was eating out of his cup. The night before I had talked to dad on the phone and he told me that Global Wildlife was having one of its annual parties for its members and if we wanted to join he would go in halves with us, so before we left we join the Global family so we could go to the bonfire that night. After feeding all the animals we left to go feed our two little animals at a local pizza joint for lunch and then went back to the cabin for naps. <br /><br />When the kids woke up we went exploring the grounds of the bed and breakfast, which were absolutely gorgeous. We did some fishing, played croquet and horse shoes, the weather was beautiful and we were just enjoying being all together. Once it started getting dark we headed back to Global Wildlife for the bonfire. What an awesome night! They had a HUGE bonfire, hot chocolate, marshmallow roasting, a live band, and SANTA was even there. The kids ran and played till they were totally exhausted. We woke up yesterday morning enjoyed the grounds some more and then headed home. It was truly a spectacular weekend.<br /><br />It is hard to believe that our Cate would be a year old. Ali and I truly feel like we celebrated her birthday in a fashion that was honoring to her. She loved her family, she LOVED her brother and sister so I know to see them enjoy life, each other, and our family is what she would have wanted for her birthday celebration. We want to thank everyone who prayed for us this weekend, your prayers are appreciated and were strongly felt. Ali and I both shed tears of longing over the weekend, we miss that little girl, we wish everyday that she were still here, but the mark that she left on our family remains strong and makes us a stronger family. We have now officially had our first “anniversary” to get through, one behind us, a few more to go, but we are united as a family and we will continue to walk this path that has been set in front of us with hope. If you would like to see pictures of the weekend I uploaded them to our flickr account you can check them out at www.flickr.com/photos/cantrellkids <br /><br />Much Love, <br />The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-49190427878863264992008-11-07T06:48:00.000-08:002008-11-07T06:51:19.816-08:00Turning 1Happy Birthday, Baby Girl. May your day be filled with rainbows, roses, and butterflies! We love you, Mom, Dad, Ella & DudeCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-83560816064564306862008-10-29T12:49:00.000-07:002008-10-29T12:50:18.566-07:00Candy for DinnerGreetings to all! It’s been a big week around our house and a lot of fun too. Last Friday I picked Ella and Dude up from their after school care and was delighted to see that Ella was proudly carrying Ribbidy in her little arms. Ribbidy, is Ella’s pre-k class’s mascot and the student who has been chosen as “student of the week” gets to take Ribbidy home for the weekend. Well, needless to say Ribbidy has been the focus of my four year old daughter’s world since she started pre-k this year. Every Friday afternoon was met with a tinge of disappointment that someone else had been chosen as student of the week. Now, as wonderful a child as Ella is, she is also my wife and I’s daughter and if you have ever meet my wife and I then you know we are a bit animated and very vocal people. Well, needless to say our daughter is a perfect blend of my wife and I and therefore can be quite the busy bee in class sometimes. We had already planned a family outing Friday night to take the kids to the movies and then out to dinner, so we were very excited and then for Ella to be picked as student of the week was just the icing on the cake.<br /><br />As student of the week at the next school Mass, which was today, you are given the class cross to take home and to pray for all the students at the school for the week. Well, today was also Grandparents day, so it was a double whammie for Ella, not only was she getting the cross at Mass, but both sets of Grandparents were going to be there for her to gloat just a little more. I went to Mass as the proud dad and sat in the back while Ella sat in the front with her grandparents. As the kids were filing into church they had music playing. All of a sudden I recognized the beginning notes of the song that was starting. It was, “The Mother Song” by Kelly Pease, the one that was sung at Cate’s funeral and the tears immediately started streaming down my face. Here I am sitting in the Church where we celebrated my daughter’s funeral with the song that was sung at her funeral being played. I pulled it together the best I could and then Mass began. Well, wouldn’t you know it, for the communion meditation they played it again and again the tears streamed down my face as I watched Ella singing the words of the song to my parents. She loves that song, her and Ali sing it almost every night before she goes to sleep. After Mass she was very excited to see me and to show me her cross so I walked her to her class where the grandparents where hanging out with the kids and then I headed off to work.<br /><br />That song has continued to play in my head all day long and with it so many images of Cate have flashed through my head of her short life here with us. The last one was of the night before she went in for surgery. The room was filled with love ones and you could tell that she was so happy to see everyone. As each person held her she would just stare at them with this big ole cheesy smile and it was if she was soaking them up. There is a part of me that wishes I would have never put her down that night. There is a part of me that wishes I would have held her all night long and soaked up every second that I would have with her if I only knew then what I know now. As I write these words the pain falls from eyes in the shape of tears, the longing that I have for that little girl hurts to the core at some moments. I miss her today, I miss her a lot. <br /><br />It really got me thinking this afternoon about my marriage and about my fatherhood. I want to soak up every minute I have with my wife and my children. I want to savor it deep in my heart knowing that we don’t know what tomorrow brings. I want to try to be a little more patient than I have been over these past few months with Ali, Ella and Dude. I want to hold them more, kiss them more, and listen to them more than I have done lately. I want to be quicker to listen than to get frustrated. I want to laugh more than fuss. I want have candy for dinner some nights just because we can and it means that we get to hang out as a family enjoying the moment and each others presence. When they crawl in my bed at 3:00am I want to pull them close to me, feel their little arm around my neck and smell their little breath even if it smells bad. I want to play outside, inside, in the car, in my truck, wherever they want to play, because there really isn’t anything else that is THAT IMPORTANT.<br /><br />Unfortunately, we have had to learned all to close to home that life is short. We are not guaranteed anything except this moment that we find ourselves. My prayer today is that God allows me to be in that moment, experience that moment, and savor that moment. Also, that those moments be written on the walls of my heart, my wife’s heart and on the walls of our kid’s hearts forever. Thank you Lord for my beautiful family! Thank You Lord, for our precious Cate, though her earthly life was short, through You may her little life continue to teach us about what it means to truly live. Amen<br /><br />Much Love, <br />The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-19647968926525017192008-10-20T20:52:00.000-07:002008-10-20T20:54:27.404-07:00Every Hill Has a BottomGreetings to all! This past weekend we had a great family weekend! Friday night Ali and I got to go on a date night and then Saturday we participated in “Family Adventure Day” to raise money for the Healing House, which is the place that we asked people to donate instead of sending flowers to Cate’s funeral, there are pictures of the day at www.flickr.com/photos/cantrellkids . Friday was the first date night since the huge falling out that Ali and I had two weeks ago. I gave my spiritual director this analogy today over lunch to describe the time that our family finds itself in right now. Have you ever watched little kids run down a steep hill? It’s funny because at first they are in control but the further they get down the hill and the more they pick up speed the more they loose all control of their little bodies. They eventually can no longer maintain their balance and what do they do? Fall, and then they continue to roll down the hill until they reach the bottom. Well, I believe this is exactly what has happened to our little family over the past four months. After Cate died we started running down this hill of grief and at first we could “control” it, but the further and further we got down the hill and the more and more speed we picked up and the more out of control we got until eventually, we fell. It was probably about three to four weeks ago that we fell and two weeks ago that we reached the bottom of the hill. Now for the past two weeks I truly feel like we have begun the ascent uphill and we are doing it together, all of us even the kids. They have been putting into words their feelings about their sister in ways that they have not over the past four months. Are we out of the woods, no not in the least bit, but I do feel like we have at least started walking back up the hill and we both know that it is because there are a lot a prayers heading our way from all of you faithful sojourners on this road in which we travel. <br /><br />Now on to the reason I blog tonight. This weekend I did what any good South Louisiana native does in the fall, watched the LSU Fighting Tigers football game. Saturday afternoon a friend of mine called and said that he was going over to another buddy of ours to watch the game and wanted to see if I wanted to join them. The friend that we were going to watch the game at just had his first child a few months back, a beautiful baby girl. Long before Cate went to have her surgery Ali offered his wife all of Cate’s clothes that she did not fit into anymore. His wife was so delighted and I remember that she washed, folded, and had them all put away months before their daughter was born. We were glad that the clothes were going to be put to good use and that the person who got them was so very grateful for them. Well, after Cate died there was one particular night gown that Ali wanted to keep, so she called his wife and asked if she would mind giving that one night gown back, of course she completely understood and offered everything back. Ali insisted that she keep the rest, it was just this one little night gown of Cate’s that was very sentimental to her.<br /><br />The other night before I left to watch the game Ali asked me if I would not mind picking the nightgown up while I was there. When I got over to their house I asked him if he knew where that nightgown was because Ali had asked me to pick it up. He called his wife and found out where it was, but did not bring it outside right away. We then proceeded to hoop and holar as we watched the Tigers play ball and after the game when the night was winding down he brought out a plastic grocery bag and gave it to me. Not remembering that I had asked him for the nightgown earlier in the night I opened the bag and saw my little girls clothes in it and it tugged hard at my heart. If you remember from the last blog, it is the “missing” that can sneak up on you. In that moment I realized that I had no one to bring those clothes home to that would wear them. I said to my friends, “wow, that’s kind of weird you know, those are Cate’s clothes, but I don’t have Cate to wear them. His eyes welled with tears and he quickly turned his back and looked at the sky, the field, whatever he could to not make eye contact with me. I said, hey bro, what’s up, are you ok? At first he would not turn around so, I said it again, hey man, what’s going on? He said, “I realized that as I handed you that bag, that you don’t have a daughter to take those home to. He went on to apologize for crying and said that he has never wanted to breakdown in front of me, that I had enough to deal with and that I did not need him crying in front of me adding to what I was already feeling.<br /><br />He is a former football jock and was quite the head cracker in his high school football days. I asked him, “When you played ball in high school did you have one guy that you loved playing football with?” He responded yes with a smile and named his teammate by name. I said those plays when he got hurt were you worried about him, was there a part of you that hurt cause he was not out there playing with you? He responded with a smile, yeah. How do you think that made him feel, that you loved playing with him that much and that you cared about him that much? I said, I bet it made him feel pretty dang special to you. Well, brother your tears don’t add to my grief they lighten it in some way, because they show me that you love me, my family, and my daughter. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hold them back anymore around me.<br /><br />As I sat on my back steps tonight reflecting on that conversation the scripture that came to my heart was Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who Rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” This in a nutshell is what it means to be a community, this is what it means to be brothers and sisters in Christ. There are times that we will all rejoice together, and there are times that we will all weep together. Ever noticed that kids often run down hills with other kids? When one of them falls it is like dominos, they just start taking each other out, rolling down the hill together. When they get to the bottom, they ALL get back up and starting running back up the hill to do it all over again. We have some amazing brothers and sisters in our life who have run down this hill with us and are going to run back up with us and for that we are eternally grateful! Thank you, to all of you who are still with us and as we hopefully and hope-filled begin the walk back up this hill, hold our hands and laugh with us, hold our hands and cry with us knowing that one day we will all be back on top of the hill! Much Love, The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-20110264668922280482008-10-16T12:37:00.000-07:002008-10-17T06:47:39.511-07:00Crushed GrapesGreetings to all! This week I attended the funeral of another precious heart baby that went home early to be with our Heavenly Father. This is the second heart baby funeral I have been to since our precious Cate passed away. When I went to the first one in July I was still in a place of numbness and the reality of Cate’s death had not sunk fully into the depths of my heart and mind. This one was different, this one brought back a lot of memories of Cate’s funeral. Although I was at someone else’s child’s funeral it was though a movie was playing in my head of all the scenes from Cate’s funeral. From the rain on my face as we took her little casket out of the hurst, to the image of my three year old son without being asked taking his role as his little sisters escort as we walked her casket down the isle the church, the scene of the small wooden box that contained such a priceless treasure under the tent at the cemetery. It all was so vivid and so real, I did not go to this funeral to inflict unnecessary pain on myself I went because we have become friends with the parents through mutual friends about a year ago and then when they found out that they too were having a heart baby there was even more of connection. I just wanted them to know that we loved them and that with each other and with their God, they would make it, that they too would still be standing in the months to come.<br /><br />They named their precious daughter Cana and so fittingly the gospel reading of the funeral mass was the wedding at Cana where Jesus performed His first miracle. Let me briefly summarize the story if you are not all to familiar with it. Jesus is at this wedding reception with his mom and the bride and groom run out of wine. This would be a huge embarrassment to the hosts if they ran out of wine to serve their guest, I am starting to wonder if the Jewish people and Cajuns aren’t second or third cousins to each other. Mary, being the good mother that she is cannot let this happen, so what does she do, tells her Son, Jesus, you better do something and do it quick, we can’t let this happen. Jesus says, Mom, it is not time yet for me to start doing things like this. Mary being the typical mom totally ignores him and tells the servants, to do whatever Jesus tells you to do. Jesus being the good son, listens to His mother’s request and tells the servants to fill six big jugs full of water. Then He tells them to take a cup to the head server for a little sampling. The head server is clueless to the events unfolding in the kitchen so when he tastes the wine that the server brings him he is a bit perplexed. This wine is far better than the stuff that they had just run out of so he goes to the groom and says, You know, normally people serve the choice wine first and then once people have been drinking a while, that’s when you serve a lesser vintage, but you have kept the good stuff till last. (John 2:1-11) Now this is my paraphrasing here, it is worded much more eloquently in the gospel of John but this is in a nutshell what happened. <br /><br />Ali and I sat on our balcony one night last week talking and of course the conversation moved towards Cate and how we were feeling about her. The main thing that we both felt was that we were missing her. The shock and the pain have begun to subside although not gone completely of course. Lately it has been more the reality of she is really gone and she isn’t coming back and we miss her. I read on another parent’s blog that has lost a child about a meeting that her and her husband had with their pastor, who had also lost a child. The pastor talked about “the missing” and how it snuck up on him at times. As I reflected on this Gospel reading and sweet babies who go to heaven earlier than we anticipate, I got to thinking about those words, “the missing.”<br /><br />What I came to realize is that with “the missing” comes “the longing.” You see this life is like the lesser vintage wine that was usually served first at wedding in Jesus’ time. It is good, there are things that we are truly going to enjoy in this life that will bring us great joy and happiness but there is a greater wine to be had. If you have had a taste of the greatest wine, i.e. heaven, then you long for that even more. The glimpses that I have had in my life of an intimate connection with God make me long for that greater wine even more. Its like when Ali and I go out to eat for a special occasion if they have it on the wine list we will get a bottle of La Crème, it’s a pinot noir that runs about thirty bucks a bottle and it is delicious, I strongly suggest you try some if you are a wine fan, but anyway. We have tasted great wines, but on an average night if we want a glass of wine we will pop the cork on just a five to seven dollar bottle of good wine. We enjoy it, but we have tasted better and that memory lingers in the back of you mind, man, if this were a glass of La Crème it would be even better, hence the longing. <br /><br />We have always longed for heaven, for a day when we are in perfect relationship with God, there is no more sin, guilt, and shame, and we will be completely happy for all eternity. We long for that greater vintage wine. Well, now that the fruit of our love, Cate, has become a part of that finer wine and in my humble opinion making it all the sweeter, now we long for it even more. Our prayer is that we can still remember to enjoy the wine, i.e. the life, which we have now, with each other and with our kiddos. That we can accept the lesser wine knowing that there is a greater wine to come and that when we get there our precious Cate will be there waiting with a big smile and couple of glasses. Much Love, The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-67903132253554570552008-10-07T09:04:00.000-07:002008-10-07T09:51:20.830-07:00Wood and NailsGreetings to all. I just want to start out by thanking everyone, especially our family and friends, who are in our everyday life, not to exclude all you readers in far away lands, but in a way fortunately you only have to read my words of messiness and don’t have to be knee deep in them. Ali and I hit a big wall Saturday evening and it was not a pretty experience and that is putting it lightly. Close friends and family were around and unfortunately they got dragged into the middle of our chaotic grief explosion. Though it actually ended with what will be a fruitful outcome, for the people left in our wake my heart hurts and all I can say to them is, “I ask your forgiveness?” As I met with my counselor last Friday we talked about the messiness and chaos of my life right now. A metaphor came to me to be able to put into words what I feel like and I wanted to share it with you all. <br /><br />As Hurricane Gustav approached South Louisiana one of my brothers and I shipped our families off to other states and decided to ride out the storm with another close brother of ours and his family. We all stayed at one of their houses for the storm because there were not any big trees threatening to fall and crush the house we were sheltered in. In front of his house, his cousin is in the process of building his home right now and on the side of his new house he is building a large wooden outdoor storage shed. It was all framed up with two by fours but no walls and no roof were put on yet. It was the skeleton of what was to become a really nice outdoor storage shed. My brothers and I looked at the shed and shook our heads because we knew the storm was coming and that there was a really good chance that the frame of this soon to be really nice shed was probably not going to make it through the storm. As the storm’s eye approached us the winds began to blow like nothing I have ever experienced in my adult life. The walls of the house were making cracking noises the cars outside where actually shaking from side to side. I walked to the window and saw that in fact the shed had been blown completely down, not a single board was left standing. It was a pile of jumbled lumber, some broken, some not, nails sticking out everywhere, simply, it was a mess.<br /><br />I told my counselor that the shed represented my life. I finally felt like I had a vision of where God was leading me and my family long term. I had a great marriage with a wonderful wife, we were setting our eyes on the future. We were about to start a new decade of our lives truly moving into a more “adult” time. We had three beautiful children with plans for one or two more down the road. I was no longer in full time youth ministry so I was being able to spend a lot more time with my family. I was in a job that I not only enjoyed but financially we were doing ok for the first time. I had the best friends a guy could ask for and this group of guys was really moving in a direction of life long friendships. <br /><br />Our building was getting framed up, the plans were being laid out and we had a skeleton of a great life framed up, knowing that we would continue to add on to it as the years went on. Well, my little family experienced its own hurricane and it has blown our little studded up shed completely down. Ali and I found ourselves standing over the splintered plans, dreams, and visions just starring in disbelief, anger, and sadness. We keep walking around it wondering, “what do we do now?” We don’t have any tools, energy, or expertise to even begin rebuilding, at least not right now. We get so angry that everything that we had worked to build has been lost, we get angry because we really liked that shed and what it was going to become. We could see ourselves in 20 years playing with our grandkids in that shed and now we are realizing that we are going to have build a new and different one. <br /><br />When people come around to help us take nails out of the boards so we can stack them to get a new plan, we don’t know how to act sometimes. We are so angry that we are even having to do this that we turn on each other and/or whoever is there to help. We know it’s not right, we just can’t control it at times. It is scary to think that the people who want to help the most and who aren’t afraid to come in to the danger zone of broken boards and sharp nails poking out everywhere are the ones who often get the brunt of our anger, through little or no fault of their own. Lately I fear that eventually people will just stop coming around to help us because it is just too messy and too big of a project. The foundation is still there is just hard to see right now because it is covered up with debris from a storm that we never saw coming and had no time to prepare for.<br /><br />There will come a time in the future, hopefully nearer than farther that we will begin to rebuild this little shed we call our lives. Our vision and our plans will have to be different than they were before. Maybe this time instead of a wooden building we will rebuild a nice strong metal building that will be able to withstand storms that comes our way. I ask that you all, especially those who have shown up to help us in the rebuilding effort be patient with us. We truly and whole heartedly ask forgiveness for the messiness of our life right now, it just is what it is, but I thank you for your continued perseverance and patience. We will rebuild and we will be stronger with God’s grace, strength, and forgiveness. Much Love, The Cantrell’sCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-65577669192138825822008-10-01T14:01:00.000-07:002008-10-02T06:45:36.310-07:00Tears are Pain Leaving the BodyGreetings to all! Lately it has been a real emotional rollercoaster for me. I can be completely fine one minute and then pissed off, ashamed, lonely, or sad the next. I am for the most part a pretty passionate guy whether it be passionate about my wife, hey get your minds go out of the gutter, I said passionate ABOUT, not with, I want to keep this blog G rated people. I am passionate about my work, when working I strive to be quick, accurate, and irreplaceable. I am passionate about competition, I don’t care what it is, BRING IT ON, I like to compete and I LOVE to win! My newest passion is fantasy football, you would swear my children were playing each Sunday by the way I get so nervous and loud. When I get to cheering or yelling at the inanimate object I call my TV set Dude and Ella coming running in because they immediately think they have done something wrong. Often times I just find them standing there waiting for me to fuss at them. When I ask, what are you doing? They usually say either, “We don’t know” or “We thought something was wrong.” To which I have to explain to them that daddy’s overpaid football player looks like some third string high school running back who is not quite sure which way down field is apparently. They usually just roll their eyes, give me an, “Awe dad,” because I interrupted their important game of “Extreme Tent Makeover” and scurry back to their important renovations. I am passionate about my God and preaching the Gospel, just ask anyone who has ever had the pleasure of to sitting in the front row of one of my talks. Poor things often have a few drops of spittle on them and have been pulled up on stage to act out an eighth grade dance scene that I am using to elaborate a point in my talk. I am passionate about life, is what I am getting at if you have not caught on yet.<br /><br />My passion runs deep, wide and in a variety of directions to say the least. These are passions that I have grown to love over time and these are passions that at the same time have also had a large impact on my life in someway and over time have begun to change me or aspects of me. There is one passion though that the moment it entered my life or should I say “they” entered my life, CHANGED me in that very moment. The moment that I became a father and I am not going to get into the whole moment of conception I was a father argument, I know that, but remember guys are visually stimulated. Although I saw my wife stomach getting larger I could not see my child and the one that I saw on the ultrasound machine kinda freaked me out. The moment I laid eyes on Ella, she being our oldest, I was changed, my heart was changed, literally, spiritually and passionately. I was a different man and my heart overflowed with a passionate love for this little child who was “mine.” With each new addition that followed Ella my heart filled with more and more passion, as well as more and more debt, just kidding.<br /><br />When they noticed in Utero that there was the potential that something might not be developing properly with Cate my passion went into overdrive. My passion to be strength, love, and stability to my wife and family as well as to be a passionate prayer warrior for my unborn daughter was squared to the infinity power. Therefore with Cate there was a different connection with her in Utero that I did not have with the other kids. They were “normal” pregnancies, boy there are two words that should never go together in one sentence, normal and pregnancy, there is not ANYTHING normal about pregnancy, totally speaking from a man’s point of view ladies, I am just a spectator for the most part and only get brought into active participation when I am called upon, yelled at, threatened to within an inch of my life, or at the point in the pregnancy that she can no longer reach her shoe laces and have to tie them for her. So, with Cate for me being the passionate person that I am I was dedicated and intense that Cate was going to make it and that she would be alright. And gratefully she did make it out of Utero, but we all know that her story ended very differently than we all pictured it would. Still to this day I can’t believe at moments that she is not “here” with us anymore, though I know in spirit that she is VERY here with us. <br /><br />The past few weeks I find myself just welling up with tears to the point the dams, that I call my eyelids just can’t hold back the floodwaters. You know how when it rains real hard, and people say, “Wow, those are big drops!” I don’t know, maybe I just say that, well that is what I feel about my tears, they actually make sounds as they hit my chair they are so big. I am a self admitted crier long before this ever started, you get me watching an episode of Extreme Home Makeover with Ty Pennington and you would swear that he had showed up at my house and redid all that for me. I can sit there and cry and cry over that show, it is quite weird, but that can be a whole other blog. The tears over sweet Cate seem to always be right there behind or below my eyes, wherever tears hang out until they stream down my face. At any given moment they can come out, whether I be walking past the fridge and see her picture or reading an email from someone sharing with me what Cate has done or is presently doing in their life. <br /><br />As I met with my counselor two weeks ago to journey with me through this grief process I cried almost the whole time we talked. He said you seem like you are in the place you need to be right now. He said if you would have walked in here acted like you had it all together with no problems then I would have been worried, but your not, your hurting, it sucks, it really does, but it is where you have to be right now. There was such validation and permission hidden in his words. All of a sudden a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and it was suddenly ok to just be hurting right now, missing Cate right now, and to not feel the need or rush to be anywhere else as much as anyone in the grief process knows, you want to rush out as fast as you can. I was reflecting this week on how often I find myself crying and I make it sound worse than it is, it is not like I cry all day long, but when you are used to not crying everyday or every other day sometimes you feel like an emotional basket case. But I was reflecting on my tears and for some reason I remembered a poster for the military that I saw one time years ago, the poster said, “Pain, is weakness leaving the body.” As I reflected on those words I thought, you know what it is ok if I cry a little everyday or a lot some days, I am going to let it come out because for me right now, “Tears, are pain leaving my body” and I don’t want to keep that pain bottled up any longer than I have to.<br /><br />What I have decided is that my passion for Cate I want to remain and this blog allows me to continue to be passionate about her, her short life, the powerful mark that she left on this world and the work that to this day she continues to do in this world. But, as for the pain over the loss of Cate I will let that flow out of my body as the tears fall from my eyes. My God wash me clean of this pain in YOUR healing and perfect time and I ask you to help me not keep it bottled in any longer than I have to. Much Love, The CantrellsCharlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4345543617741989942.post-14229682866459775622008-09-26T08:43:00.000-07:002008-09-26T08:44:01.571-07:00Surprised by DesignGreeting to all! Man this week has flown by its hard to believe we are up against the weekend again, but I am very grateful for it at the same time. There was nice breeze put back into our sails this week due to an overnight excursion that Ali and I got to take last weekend! Yes, we got to get out of our house and away from our crazy children for a night! It was spectacular, we knew we had a limited amount of time so we chose New Orleans as our destination because it was close. Because we were staying one night I decided to pick a nice hotel for us to stay in. When we arrived at the hotel Saturday around one in the afternoon and I ask the manager what the next room upgrade would cost me. He said, “Sir, it is already taken care of, I have put you in the nicest suite our hotel has, I have gone up and inspected the room myself, I also put a bottle of wine for you and your wife to enjoy.” I literally had to pick my chin up off the counter, I looked at him and said buddy, you don’t know how much that means to my wife and I. We got up to the room and to say the least it was phenomenal next to the bottle of wine there was a handwritten note from the manager welcoming us to the hotel and letting us know that if there was anything less than exceptional to let him know and he would take care of it. WOW! How does God take care of His children uh? <br /><br />Ali and I partook of New Orleans to the fullest! It was the first time in what feels like a very long time that we just fun together. There was no schedule we had nothing to do so we laughed, we sang along with the bands, I even embarrassed myself by attempting a little Karaoke, with the emphasis being on the word attempt and an even a bigger emphasis on the word embarrassed. We woke up the next morning had breakfast at one of New Orleans local hang outs and then headed home to pick up our kids. After we pick them up, the noise of life returned quickly, but there was a difference in the air. There was a breath-ability about life again, I don’t know how long it will last but I will take it as it comes!<br /><br />Well, this week made three months since our precious Cate departed this earthly life. The pain, the hurt, the tears, the snot, the anger, and the loneliness all seem so overwhelming at times that we are not sure how you will make it through the day. We all have plans of what our life will look like and we all work very hard to design our lives, our futures, our marriages, our children, our friendships in order to move us in the direction of that plans. When our designs get tossed out the window by this thing we call “life,” it truly puts us into a world wind of confusion, desperation, and even hopelessness. There are plans that we have, though we may never say them out loud, the “in case of emergency” plans, the how we will react plan, what we will do plan, the who will be there plan, the who will do what plan, can often get thrown out of the window because life is not always as we design it, though we think it should be and we try to buffer ourselves as much as possible in order that we may live safely within the lines of our design.<br /><br />Over this past week I have been reflecting on the people who have pushed through the awkwardness of grief to be close to us, to reach out to us, to take their place in a design that was not mine and probably was not theirs, but God has surprised all of us by HIS design. I have reflected on people who we have never met who have sent cards, gifts, sweet comments, and prayers our way. On people who have left dinner on our doorstep in a Styrofoam ice chest with a pretty red bow rapped around it. People who have called to go run errands, grocery shop, take the kids for the afternoon and I stand in awe of the design that God has been orchestrating through this catastrophe we find ourselves in. To be real honest with you, I think I got so focused on my design and my emergency plan and saying, where is so and so, why aren’t they doing whatever, that I have truly failed to recognize that God has been trying His best to provide for our every need. The other night as I reflected on what “I” thought should be happening and “who” should be doing it, I truly found myself being surprised by God’s design. All the phone calls, emails, comments on the blog, cards came flooding into my mind and God just said I have been trying to provide for you all along. <br /><br />So, I have decided that my design for my emergency plan may not have been the way that it was supposed to work and that once again I need to sit back and allow God to be God. I need to ask Him to make me more aware of His designs and how they are playing out in our daily life on this road we find ourselves trying to navigate. A good brother of mine has a ministry that is centered the paragraph from the Catechism of the Catholic Church number 2097. The last sentence of this paragraph says “The worship of the one God sets man free from turning in on himself from the slavery of sin and the idolatry of the World.” When we fix our eyes solely on ourselves and our designs and life doesn’t go “our” way our hearts can quickly be filled with jealousy, angry and resentment, but if we can keep our eyes on God and His designs our hearts can remain grateful, joyful, and hopeful. We ask that you pray that we may be aware of and submissive to God’s design as we continue this journey of grief and we thank all of you from the bottom of our hearts for accepting your role in God’s design for our life. May we all continue to be Surprised by Design. Much Love, The Cantrells <br /><br />And by the way I met with a counselor last week and have another appointment next week thanks for the prayers and keep praying!Charlie Cantrellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12615670463955127364noreply@blogger.com20